Thursday, 31 March 2011

Shakespearian Dictator Protected Origin

Chairman Appalled by Star Trek Acting Standards

Having watched the final series of Deep Space Nine over the last few months on CBS Action, Chairman Bill is appalled at the standard of acting in the current re-run of Star Trek – the Original Series.

The acting is sufficiently wooden to be made of well-seasoned, air-dried oak and the special effects / scenery make Crossroads look positively Hollywoodian by comparison.

Chairman Bill is convinced that, following the debut of Sir Patrick Stewart in The Next Generation, all sci-fi actors should in future be RSC trained.

When interviewed, Chairman Bill said: “How did we ever put up with it in the 60s?”

Another Middle East Dictator Threatens Himself

Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, has vowed to bring to justice those dastardly people who want democracy and to overturn his beautifully crafted police state paradise.

The people of Deraa will "eliminate whoever is behind the violence", the Syrian leader said. Well, given he’s the one who first started shooting peaceful protesters, he can only be talking about himself.

Point of Designated Origin – Again

Last night Chairman Bill was watching a TV programme called The Great British Food Revival.

Some Brummie chef was waxing lyrical about English cheeses and how we should be supporting British cheese producers through the PDO system and eschewing foreign imitation muck.

He then went on to praise a plethora of British camemberts, ricottas and parmesans, which the Chairman thought the height of hypocrisy.

The Chairman said: “Let the market decide - allow regionally named cheeses to be made anywhere in the world and simply put the country of origin on the packet in large lettering. PoD does not signify quality in any way, shape or form; it’s merely protectionism in its lowest manifestation.”

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Chairman Bill Goes it Alone

Yesterday Chairman Bill went to London to see a man and a woman in a large company he last worked for some 11 years ago. The subject under discussion was a 6 month consultancy assignment, which might extend to a year.

On the basis of this opportunity, The Chairman has decided to set out on his own.

There’s many a slip betwixt cup and lip, but you have to make a decision at some stage in your life as to what you really want from it all.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Executions with Crossed Fingers

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman: “What’s that ming of burn in the loo?”

Hay: “A snuffed out candle – best air freshener in the world.”

Chairman: “I thought Kitty had taken her flints into the straw under the caravan and had lit her mouse BBQ.”

Cameron to Redress Decline in Executions

According to Amnesty International, the number of executions world-wide has suffered an inexplicable decline.

David Cameron has pledged, with Nick Clegg’s approval, to address this deplorable state of affairs by forcing through a law to execute the 149 people accused over the unrest in London on Saturday, which followed an anti-spending cuts march.

It is not thought many would object.

NATO Secretary General Crosses Fingers While Making Statement

The secretary general of NATO has insisted that it is "impartial" and coalition forces in Libya will not arm the rebels to attack Col Gaddafi.

Our correspondents suspect he had his finger crossed when he said that.

Crossed fingers, as every schoolchild knows, bestow legal immunity from the consequences of anything said while the fingers are crossed – at least that’s what the world (except for the Russians) hopes.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Decimal Crowd Control at the Yacht Club

Japanese Confused Over Decimal Point

Following the Fukushima Daiichi power company saying the radiation at one of its damaged plants is 10 million times normal, and then saying it was a mistake, pundits suggest that the company has a problem with the concept of the decimal point.

35 minutes past 10 million o’clock?

British Police to Consider Use of Snipers

After anarchists hi-jacked Saturday’s 250,000 strong peaceful London protest over government cuts (interpreted by Gaddafi's propaganda machine as a pro-Gaddafi rally), British police are now considering replacing the controversial kettling system of crowd containment with the Gaddafi-influenced use of snipers on tall buildings to take out masked protesters who are clearly out to cause nothing but vandalism.

Innovative crowd control method?

Chairman Bill Joins Yacht Club with No Boats

Chairman Bill, intrepid sailor and master mariner, has joined the Chipping Sodbury Yacht Club, one of the very few inland yacht clubs where it is mandatory that members do not own a vessel of any description.

He urges readers to have a look at the website, which is somewhat amusing and cocks a snook at some of the more up-your-arse and ridiculous rules that regular yacht clubs have.

Not allowed.

Friday, 25 March 2011

Paleolithic Design & Technology

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “Have you put something in your hair?”

Chairman: “Mmm, some of that serum you have in your cupboard for fly-away hair. The Barnett won't do as it's told today.”

Hay: “How much did you put in?”

Chairman: “2 squirts.”

Hay: “Far too much – makes your hair look greasy.”

Chairman: “You mean like Bryan Ferry?”

Hay: “More like Mersey Ferry. I think you have reverse body dysmorphia; when you look in a mirror you see Johnny Depp - when I look at you in a mirror I see John Prescott.”

Flint Knapping Passé, Says Ofsted

Ofsted has criticised Design & Technology teaching in British schools, saying that flint knapping and fire making were excised from the continental curriculum about 5,000 years ago.

While children in France and Germany are being taught robotics and Computer Aided Design, the UK’s children are still being instructed to make wobbly wheels and hideously misshapen clay jugs fit only for decorating their grandparents’ living rooms.

Chairman Bill, a D&T teacher from Old Sodbury with a master’s degree in Palaeolithic hand axe design, said: “You never know when you’re going to need a good stone axe or a flint arrowhead to kill a sabre-toothed tiger.”

What my son brought home from his D&T class.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Identity Isues for Gaddafi Asylum in UK

Arab League Has Identity Issues

The Arab League is in a bit of a quandary.

The organisation has 22 member states – 21 since Libya’s membership was suspended.

Only 2 of the member nations have made it to the list of top 100 democracies, and one of those is Palestine, which isn’t even recognised internationally as a state. That leaves just Lebanon.

The remaining states are having their own problems regarding the enforcement of authoritarian rule and some Arab League countries are actively engaged in Libya-style repression of popular democratic uprisings, or even assisting in the repression of same in a neighbouring member state.

Can anything the Arab League says be representative of the views of the average Arab on the street who is being shot at by his government while exiting the mosque on the way to catching the Clapham omnibus?

Clapham omnibus.

Gaddafi Should be Offered Asylum in UK, Says Chairman Bill

Chairman Bill has astonished both the military and financial worlds by suggesting Muammar Gaddafi could be offered asylum in the UK in return for say £20bn of his ill-gotten gains.

This would solve the Libyan crisis, offset a part of the UK's significant national debt, boost UK jobs and inject some much needed liquidity into the moribund housing market.

Analysts have suggested Bill be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, as well and the Nobel Prize for Economics and the Wimpey Prize for Palace Building.

Chairman Bill commented: "Gaddafi would only be the start - if we offered asylum to every tin pot dictator in the world we'd soon have the deficit fully under control. The government could also capitalise on them by renting them out for opening church fetes and the like.

"As it stands, places like Saudi and Venezuela benefit from dictator immigration. We need to change this and offer a complete service; removal and asylum - a complete package deal."

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Strategic Sutee on Mothers' Day

Everyone Now a Military Strategist

Since hearing military types throw around phrases like ‘lack of clear objectives’ and ‘strategic intent’, British dinner party talk has shifted from how much everyone’s house is worth and the disproportionate cost of boarding school fees toward the nature of the balance-of-power mechanism and the asymmetrical relationship between attack and defence. This is usually followed by a quick game of Call of Duty (Black Ops Libya) on their kids’ PS3s.

Armed with their new arm-chair strategy skills gained from 24 hour news channels, millions of middle class office drones are busy buying up Amazon’s stock of Carl von Clausewitz’s seminal book, ‘On War’ and casually dropping sentences like; “War is not merely a political act, but also a real political instrument, a continuation of political commerce, a carrying out of the same by other means,” into canteen conversations and hoping to sound very clever.

A clear trend has also been seen in marketing departments cornering the trade in redundant generals in order to ‘strike fear into the enemies’ hearts’ and ‘win the hearts and minds of customers’ through ‘surgical strikes in the field’.

It their battle with the government cuts, the NHS and BMA in particular are showing an unhealthy interest in the latter phrase of ‘surgical strikes in the field’.

Chairman Bill, armchair military strategist, raconteur and market gardening expert said: “I wouldn’t bother spending all this money on no-fly zones – just put a £10m price on Gaddafi’s head, dead or alive, and have him topped by a bodyguard. That’s got to be lower than the cost of a dozen missiles or keeping several hundred planes in the air for months on end. Turning Tripoli into an organic butternut squash farm would be prohibitive in fertilizer cost alone.”

He continued: “I learnt that from Sun Tzu – kill one butternut squash, terrify a thousand.”

Meanwhile, secretaries and PR account executives all over Britain are putting forward coherent and well-reasoned strategic analyses of why the Libyan rebels should be left to be slaughtered by Gaddafi while they are desperately crying out to the West for help in dealing with a vicious dictator lacking any public mandate.

UK Democracy Protesters Hope British Army Will Support Them

With the upcoming referendum on a change to the voting system, the British public is wondering whether it will get support from the British Army for UK regime change, like the protesters in Egypt did.

Defence analysts suggest there may be an initial bit of fence-sitting on the part of the British generals, but eventually they will come over to the demonstrators’ view, especially if the public allow them to build a massive army and both the Navy and RAF are given permission to go after Gaddafi with a few very expensive ships and shiny new high-tech bombers.

Chairman Bill assures us that he has family in London and they all want Cameron out, despite Cameron’s use of human shields. Chairman Bill commented: “The human shields are actually Cameron’s LibDem bodyguards, and no-one gives a toss about them anymore, so take them out.”

The first action required by the Democracy Protesters will be the imposition of a No-Bullshit Zone over London, for which they could appeal to Col. Gaddafi’s propaganda machine.

Incinerate Your Mother on Mothers’ Day

Seen in the window of a Chipping Sodbury beautician.

Perhaps more suited to the quaint Indian funeral rite of sutee (or widow burning), but if you must immolate your mother in paraffin, ensure she catches light the first time or else it can be very messy, not to say expensive.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Fiscal Windfall on Protected Designated Origin

A happy birthday to our founder - Chairman Bill.

Calls for Government Windfall Tax

Following allegations of the government profiteering from its programme of cuts, there have been calls for the government to subject itself to a windfall tax on its £8bn windfall.

Institute for Fiscal Studies and BBC State the Obvious

The Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) and the BBC have published a report which suggests that the old and the poor are worst hit by the recession.

They may just as well have produced a report stating that 1+1=2.


Chairman Bill thinks he’s found a sensible solution to the vexed question of Protected Designated Origin that has been taxing him of late.

Bill says that all produce having a location in its name should have the actual location of manufacture and the true place of origin of whatever goes into it placed conspicuously on the packaging in letters twice the size of the location name it goes under.

Thus Cumberland sausage may be made anywhere, but the fact it was made in Grozny from pork sourced in Gdansk will be displayed in huge lettering. Similarly Genuine Glasgow Tikka Marsala could be made in Madras, if a market could be found for it in India.

Chairman Bill said: “That way we facilitate competition, reduced carbon wotsits and increased consumer choice, not to say evolution of the product to possibly a higher or alternative standard to suit regional taste.”

Monday, 21 March 2011

Cheddar Gorge, Orkney

Orcadians Take the Piss Over Cheddar Cheese

Orkney Island Cheddar is made using milk from the Orkney Isles, ‘following a traditional recipe and process’. The makers are seeking another one of these damned ridiculous protected name status thingummies.

Chairman Bill has never even heard of this cheese and the ‘traditional process’ mentioned originates from Cheddar in Somerset. Rather than going for name protection, the makers of Orkney Island Cheddar should be prosecuted under EU legislation for misappropriating the Cheddar name.

Why would anyone other than an Orcadian even want to buy, let alone make an Orkney Island cheddar? I would imagine that outside of Orkney it would have all the allure of genuine imitation plastic.

When will someone take these Eurocrats by the neck, give them a damned good slapping and stop all this nonsense?

Here's a question for you - when does a human shield become a bodyguard?

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Crusader CT Scans for David Icke

Gaddafi ‘a Bit Confused’

Gaddafi accuses the Libyan rebels of being Al Qaeda while simultaneously asking his adoring public to believe these supposed Al Qaeda rebels are in an unholy alliance with what Gaddafi calls ‘crusaders’. Make up your mind, Muammar.

Following the air strikes by the Alliance, Walid Madjdali, a computer engineer, said: “We want to die for our President. We will stay here [in Gaddafi’s compound] all night. Even three or four nights if we have to.”

One wonders why Walid won’t spend a 5th night there. Presumably it’s because that’s when he expects someone to come gunning for Gaddafi and he doesn’t want to be around when that happens.

Official, a Few Americans are Congenitally and Irretrievably Stupid

Americans, panicked into thinking that radiation from Japan is about to hit them, are buying up stocks of iodine tablets, gas masks and pet shelters.

In the USA you can pay $160 and get a whole-body CT scan as part of a medical check-up. That can deliver a radiation dose equivalent to being 1.5 miles from the centre of the 1945 Hiroshima atom bomb explosion.

Americans undergo 70 million CT scans each year (up from 3 million in the 80s), most of them totally needless and done purely to protect doctors from law suits in case they miss something with an X-ray. The US National Cancer Institute has estimated that 29,000 Americans will get cancer as a result of the CT scans they received in 2007 alone.

Why then are they worrying about radiation from a small leak from all the way across the other side of the Pacific Ocean when they don’t give a second thought to the consequences of all these CT scans?

“Who Funds David Icke,” Asks Chairman Bill

Well, who does? And for that matter, who the hell attends his speeches? Someone must.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Really Annoyed PDO Dressing Footballer

Public Really Pissed Off that Gaddafi Calls Ceasefire

After all the hand wringing, procrastination and sabre-rattling over the no-fly zone, millions who had hoped to see Col. Gaddafi blasted to kingdom come by a few jets are really, really annoyed he’s called a ceasefire.

Chairman Bill, strategic analyst and second hand car salesman, said; “This is just so typical of Gaddafi – he leads you up the aisle to the altar and then does a runner. I was really looking forward to going down to The Bell on Saturday and seeing him getting seven shades of shit kicked out of him live on Al Jazeera. Bloody cretin!

"Looks like I'm going to have to watch some damned fool footballer trying to dress himself instead."

David Cameron, the British PM, said; "I know what you're thinking. 'Did he launch six Vulcans or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Vulcan, the most powerful aircraft in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

The Germans decided not to play, probably due to memories of their last time in North Africa. Perhaps it's them dropping bombs around Benghazi, hoping it can be blamed it on Gaddafi so as to justify a strike against him.

‘EU Filled With Cretins,’ Claims Chairman Bill

The Cumberland sausage has been given British Protected Designation of Origin classification under European Union rules. This follows hard on the heels of the Cornish pasty having been given PDO status in 2010.

Instead of being able to buy locally produced Cumberland sausage in Gloucestershire (by the way, the Cumberland pig died out in the 1960s and Gloucester Old Spot is now the standards filling), Chairman Bill is now forced to consume Cumberland sausage that is probably several weeks old, as well as having to pay for the privilege of having it transported several hundred miles by lorry, which obviously adds to the overall cost, consumes scarce resources and throws out tonnes of CO2.

When interviewed for this column, Chairman Bill articulately ranted (in a very long sentence); “One the one hand the EU is meant to be opening up competition and encouraging the Union to have less reliance of fossil fuels through carbon wotsits, and on the other it’s engaging in rampant protectionism on the whim of some avaricious bastard of a butcher from Barrow-in-Furness, while simultaneously encouraging the transportation of food over increasingly vast distances and burning up road miles like there was no tomorrow and global warming was a total and utter myth.

“This is preposterous – I shall write to my MP, if he isn’t busy burying his snout in a money trough somewhere - or having his moat cleaned at my expense – or dithering over what to do about Libya. Why isn’t he doing something about this travesty? Probably a bloody LidDem, or in the pay of the Cumberland sausage lobby.

“I wouldn’t mind if the sausages were made from local produce, but the chances are they’re made from Gloucestershire pigs originating a stone’s throw from where I live, or some imported, flaccid, porcine gristle from Poland that chuckles and leers at you while exuding a filthy, milky, antibiotic and hormone infused fluid when fried.

“By all means enshrine the recipe in tablets of stone so as to ensure standards, but why this madness of declaring it can only be made in bloody Cumbria? What next – black pudding to be manufactured only in the Black Country? I’ll have to go to Hawaii for one of those bloody filthy Hawaiian pizza soon. If anything, these things should be called Gloucester Old Spot sausages.

“Good Lord - it’s not even as if Cumberland still exists – it hasn’t damned-well existed since 1974 – it was subsumed into Cumbria, for heaven’s sake. Bloody Cretins! If we’re to have cuts, then sack the bloody EU and save us all a packet.”

Footballers’ IQs Plunge to New Depths in Dressing Crisis

As the video below demonstrates, highly paid football stars are increasingly unable to dress themselves. This has led to calls from Chairman Bill for footballers’ mothers to be present on the touchline in an advisory capacity.

Footballologist, Chairman Bill, said; “Bloody cretins! Sack the lot of them.”

Friday, 18 March 2011

Peace in Our Working Lives

Calls for No Fly Zone Over Parliament Square

The forces of London dictator, Col. Boris ‘Mad Dog’ Johnson, have reoccupied veteran peace campaigner Brian Haw’s camp in Parliament Square.

Haw has responded that this is no more than propaganda and his rebel forces are still keeping Col. Johnson’s forces at bay.

Haw has called on the Green Party to support a No-Fly zone over the square, but fears that all the hand-wringing and procrastination will mean that nothing will actually happen – especially if, as expected, the Conservatives and LidDems decide to abstain or use their veto.

A man called Brian directing his troops while under fire in Parliament Square

Workers Should Start Younger, Says Chairman Bill

One of the problems facing employed people these days is that they will have to work longer to get their pensions.

Chairman Bill, raconteur and eminent sensible person, has suggested that people could still get their pensions at 65, providing they started work at the age of 10, as they did in the good old days.

Putting such as system into place would enable Britain to once more regain its lead position within the international chimney sweeping and cotton industries, as well as shortening the increasing lifespan of British citizens, which itself is causing problems with the pension system.

Additionally, this system would overcome the problem of the high cost of a university education at the precise time it can be least afforded by the simple expedient of putting it off till after retirement at 65.

Back to the 'good old days'

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Murder of Unemployed Roman Republican

Grisly Murder in Old Sodbury

A major investigation is under way in Old Sodbury following the grisly discovery of the eviscerated remains of a robin under the bed in a caravan and feathers all over the place.

A cat, known as ‘Feathers’ Kitty is the prime suspect, having been arrested in a dawn raid and caught red pawed, smothered in DNA evidence comprising red and brown feathers in her mouth.

It is thought that, if charged, she will ask for 200 other offences to be taken into consideration.

Tories Do it Again on Unemployment

Unemployment levels have reached an 18 year high. They have not been this high since …. well, since the last time the Tories were in power.

Hull Poised to Become Bastion of Republicanism

Following hard on the heels of Wooton Basset becoming Royal Wooton Basset, Hull City Council is set to declare Hull a republic after not having received a single application to hold one of those hideous street parties to celebrate the marriage of Prince William.

Our analysts suspect this is because no-one can afford it due to peak unemployment and suicide rates, leading to the suggestion that Hull City Council could empty the prisons in the area and have an enforced party somewhere in a semi-secure location.

Ninth Legion Delayed by ‘Wrong Kind of Snow’

5,000 blokes claiming to be Roman soldiers from the ‘Lost’ Ninth Legion have arrived in Scotland some 1,984 years late. They claim they were delayed by the wrong kind of snow and leaves on the line.

While wandering around the new house building site yesterday evening, I noticed this ancient Roman mosaic that Colin, our builder, had uncovered while constructing the parking place.

Ancient Roman mosaic

Obviously, the Ninth Legion had passed through Old Sodbury on their way to Scotland – by the look of the mosaic, probably around 1960.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Midsomer Tesco to Border Cox

Microsoft to Include Loud Music Option in PowerPoint

Following the huge success of Professor Brian Cox’s TV program, ‘Wonders of the Universe’, Microsoft is set to include annoyingly loud background music within its PowerPoint templates.

It is rumoured that tracks will include Mars from the Planet Suite, the Star Wars theme, Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture and Orffe’s Carmina Burana, thus ensuring maximum complaints and the inability of the audience to hear a single word of the presentation.

For those who favour David Attenborough’s presentation style, there will be an option to use a looped version of John Cage’s 4:33 throughout the entire presentation.

Microsoft has pointed out that, in keeping with the modern predilection for dumbing down, the use of loud music will enable a simple five minute presentation to be padded out to a full and excruciating 30 minutes.

Dr. Toynbee Hall, a researcher at the Lorenzo Ferrero Institute of Incidental Music, said: “There’s nothing quite like walking to the podium to the strains of Carmina Burana for dramatic effect and putting the fear of God into your audience.”

Typical Brian Cox fan

UK Border Agency Staffed by Migrants

The UK Border Agency has said that up to 181,000 migrants 'may have overstayed visas'.

The word ‘may’ is an auxiliary modal signifying possibility, not probability. It could therefore equally be said that 181,000 migrants 'may not have overstayed visas' without changing the meaning of the sentence one iota.

However, the latter statement is not a news headline and therefore one imagines they consider it likely that a large proportion of the 181,000 migrants are still here, else why mention it at all?

This signifies that the UK Border Agency is probably staffed by people lacking an in-depth knowledge of English - in all likelihood some (or none) of the 181,000 foreigners who may, or may not, have overstayed their visas.

Typical Englishman engaged in typically quaint English traditions

Sir Terry Leahy Guilty of Doublespeak

Sir Terry Leahy, the erstwhile CEO of Tesco, was interviewed on the radio on Monday extolling how Tesco provides employment for the long-term unemployed and portraying Tesco as a paragon of civic virtue.

What he neglected to mention was that Tesco’s relentless pursuit of efficiency assisted in the creation of a long-term unemployment problem in the first place by the wholesale elimination of many of the jobs that used to exist in the high street shops Tesco and its ilk replaced.

To be fair, most of the responsibility for this sits with the UK consumer and his or her relentless pursuit of cheap and shoddy convenience food. Ironically, the pre-prepared and heavily marketed food available in supermarkets is more expensive than home prepared food of better nutritional value.

On the continent towns are filled with small shops selling all manner of quality produce – but sadly not here.

Global domination - but so convenient

Midsomer to Have Ethnic Minorities Bussed In

Midsomer, that last bastion of English rural life since The Archers went hip-hop, stands accused of lacking racial diversity.

However, given the disproportionally high number of grisly murders that occur in the country of Midsomer, it’s hardly surprising no ethnic minorities live there – they’re afraid of being lynched by a bunch of white supremacists.

Seething hotbed of radical Englishness

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Scargill Listens for Aid

Downing Street Rules Out Listening to Voters

David Cameron has ruled out any dialogue with voters in the run-up to the mass sell-off of the NHS from a stall on Petticoat Lane market.

Nothing much to add then, is there?

Arthur Scargill Looking to Make Comeback

Following in the wake of the Japanese nuclear accident, this organ asks whether there is scope for Arthur Scargill making a comeback.

Catholic Church Wants Conditions on Aid

For aid to be given to countries where people are in dire need of it (Pakistan is the country in question), Cardinal Keith O’Brien wants conditions attached, such as the ability of Christians to practise their religion.

One asks whether Jesus ever put conditions on His love.

The answer, of course, is no He didn't - He used unconditionality as His weapon of choice due to its power to embarrass.

Additionally, Cardinal O'Brien, as a religious person himself, should be aware of the inability of logic to persuade deeply religious people to change their ways. O'Brien's request will be seen as an attack, with the obvious consequence of retrenchment and hostility.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Fatty Pang Cronyism for Luvvies

Fatty Pang Appointment to BBC Heralds New Era of Amateurism

Career politician Lord Patten’s appointment to the Chair of the BBC Trust, at a salary well in excess of £110,000, heralds a new era of rank amateurism, gross unsuitability and rampant cronyism in British business/politics.

The House of Commons committee responsible for selecting Patten expressed surprise at his lack of knowledge of the BBC’s output and was additionally worried that he already had too many jobs to perform his duties effectively.

Those problems, generally considered insurmountable for anyone who is not an ex-MP, were viewed as positive attributes in the case of Patten and served him well as Governor of Hong Kong. In fact, pundits are shocked Patten wasn’t selected to head a major bank and repeat the success of the last lot.

It is now expected that this wonderful example of arch-cronyism will lead to British business becoming more open to all manner of eminently unqualified candidates, thus enabling Britain to once more regain its crown as the laughing stock of Europe.

Stars on Big Salaries Warn of Dire Consequences of Arts Cuts to Their Salaries

Famous luvvies, including Kenneth Branagh, Jeremy Irons, Maxine Peake, Michael Sheen, David Tennant, Helen Mirren, Julie Walters, David Threlfall, Adrian Lester, Sam West, Miriam Margolyes, Peter Capaldi and Imelda Staunton have warned that cuts to the arts could end up meaning cuts to their salaries.

Pundits wonder why luvvies should be any different from the rest of us.

Professor Ramada Park Hall, emeritus professor of dramatis personae at the Dame Anna Neagle University of Dramatic Luvviedom, said: “They should perhaps start the cuts with that bastard Jonathan Ross and his grotesque salary.”

The immortal Dame Russell Brand as the definitive Hamlet – under threat?

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Sunday Supplement on Saturday

Once more, Gurt Lush is gracing our readers with his spookily inaccurate horoscopes for the week ahead:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will be very lucky this week. It’s next week you need to be worried about – be sure to lock your doors and windows.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Gattux is once more about to move into the sign of the Tongs. This usually augers great upheaval among breeders of rare toads and fishing boat skippers. Beware of people bearing gifts – especially if Greek.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Unfortunately, your chance of ever having an orgasm again will from now on involve only something operated by batteries.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you wake up one morning this week with your head impaled on a stick, you will finally understand how irritating you have been.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Your view that you are attractive to the opposite sex is totally delusional. You’d think your work colleagues’ nickname of Boat Hips would be a clue. Oh, sorry - you didn't know that's what they call you - not very intuitive, are you?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you feel so inclined (which you usually are), dwarves, colonic irrigation and bondage equipment may be put back on the menu this week with no fear of repercussions.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are inventive and resourceful, which probably explains your compulsive lying and cheating.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Climbing atop your gates and baying at the moon is a strange manner in which to deal with your recent problem – but don’t worry, the drugs will kick in soon.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You laugh in the face of adversity, which some would see as a positive attribute. However, it stems mainly from your warped view of reality.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I see you have social plans arranged for Saturday night involving a secluded car park. Take heed of the fact that it will be cold, and thus a vest would be recommended, as well as a mask.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You have dogged determination – but why can’t you simply get it right first time?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
There’s a big promotion heralded at work this coming week – but not for you.

Chairman Bill will return on Monday (or possibly tomorrow... or maybe never).

Friday, 11 March 2011

iPhone App for Fostering Afghans

New iPhone App Tracks Muslims, Gays and Paedophiles

A new iPhone App, allegedly developed in association with the Daily Mail, has been released onto the market. The App tracks Muslims, homosexuals and paedophiles within a 100 metre radius of the user, sending out a high pitched whine of self-righteous indignation if they should dare to come within the detection radius.

Early adopter reviews suggest there may be a slight bug in the App, as it also tracks paediatricians, people using homophones in their speech and anyone wearing muslin.

An update is expected within the next few weeks that additionally tracks Eastern Europeans, evolutionists and benefit claimants, as well as ensuring the App can only be used by those with overt fascist sympathies.

Get in touch with your fascist side

Aztecs Must be Allowed to Foster, Say Campaigners

Daily Mail readers who are outraged by the recent judicial decision to not allow a Christian couple to foster children due to their irrational Bronze Age views on homosexuality, have argued that the ruling discriminates against deeply held religious morals, morals which are supposedly the foundation of British law – despite only commandments 6, 7, 8 and 9 having any real relevance to morality and none of them mentioning homosexuality.

A bunch of Neo-Aztecs are similarly campaigning that their deeply held belief that they must rip out and offer the still-beating hearts of human sacrificial victims to their gods should not bar them from fostering impressionable young children.

The Neo-Aztec campaigners pointed out that the Orthodox Aztecs were wiped out by Christians with deeply held religious views on morality - a vastly superior morality based on guns, white supremacy, genocide and the Daily Mail.

Religion dressed up as morality

NATO Endears Itself to Hamid Karzai by Mistakenly Killing His Cousin

NATO is going out of its way to win hearts and minds of Afghans by accidentally killing relatives of the Afghan President, Hamid Karzai.

Military strategists are of the opinion that NATO should go further in ensuring a close relationship with Afghans by selling guns to the Taliban, providing them with advisers and assassinating Hamid Karzai.

Shrinking family

Thursday, 10 March 2011

A Little Something For the Weekend in Soweto

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “You know those health warnings on packets of cigarettes – the ones showing people with bad teeth and deathly pallors?

Chairman: “Yes.”

Hay: “You could become a model for them.”

Nanny Government Knows Best

Most smokers want to give up but simply can’t without ripping someone’s head off several times a day and threatening to sell their children for a fag, research shows.

A little something for the weekend, sir?

The most obvious reason for the recent sharp drop in smoking has been the incessant and gnawing whining on the part of smug, self-righteous do-gooders.

The remaining hardcore group is totally resistant to traditional messages, packaging or threat of imprisonment. Let’s face it, if you’re willing to die a hideous death for your habit, then a patronising message or blank packet is going to have as much effect as a no-fly zone on Muammar Gaddafi.

Crack addicts do not give a damn whether their fix comes in a red packet or a blue one – in fact they couldn’t care less if it was laced with strychnine and prussic acid. Ciggie smokers similarly have an almost superhuman disregard for their health.

People telling hardcore smokers to give up may just as well have Wernicke’s aphasia and be spouting gibberish.

Modern Humans Came From Soweto

Research suggests anatomically modern man is descended from early humans who came from a shanty town in South Africa, probably Soweto.

This has understandably upset the BNP and many Christians, the latter being convinced man originated somewhere in a Middle East dictatorship / theocracy.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Cause & Effect of Diets on Pensions

Overheard in the Car:

Hay: “I remember when this field was covered in houses.”

Vast Swathes of UK Public Can’t Grasp Cause & Effect

A new study shows that a huge portion of the UK’s public is incapable of linking what they do with the consequences of what they do, or as the experts call it, cause and effect.

This has been borne out by the observation that many people, when voting for a political party that says it will decimate public services if called to form a government, cannot subsequently understand why services are cut when that party is voted into power.

Stonehenge Domino Theory

People with Crap Diets to Die

The toxic printing inks in the recycled packaging of pre-prepared foods will ensure that those who eat such crap will die an early and painful death, according to new research.

Firms have reacted by packaging their salt-laden, fat-infused, sugar-saturated products, which lack any semblance of nutrition and are likely to ensure that the people who eat them die an early and painful death from type 2 diabetes and heart attacks, in healthy, virgin cardboard cut from unsustainable forests.

Companies firmly believed this will portray them as responsible and cognizant of their customers’ health, thus tricking consumers into believing they will not now die an early and painful death.

The irony is that this strategy will succeed.

Health warnings on food can kill

Government Fails to Understand Concept of Saving

On a more serious note, the Work & Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan-Smith, wants to reward people who save for their old age.

The UK state pension system is one where people contribute to it through mandatory National Insurance contributions in order to receive a pension at retirement age.

A private pension system is one where people contribute to it through voluntary contributions in order to receive an additional pension at retirement age.

One system is mandatory, the other is optional. By any definition, both are old-age savings schemes.

Mr Duncan-Smith appears to think they are radically different and that the former is not a savings scheme but more a sponger’s charter, despite contributions being mandatory and at a level set by the government itself. It’s as if we’re being led to believe we’re not actually entitled to our own savings.

Not only that, but despite men and women individually contributing exactly the same proportion of their salary into the scheme, married couples receive less in pension than two separate individuals, which seems rather unfair. Can governments be found guilty of mis-selling pensions? I doubt it.

The words 'state-sposnored Ponzi scheme' come to mind.

Call for Assistance

If anyone can assit me in putting a Facebook Like button within my template (which doesn't seem to follow the standard template HTML nomenclature) for individual posts, please get back to me.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Following Botched SAS Mission, Hague to Send in the Banks

Following the UK’s elite SAS reconnaissance force being captured by a bunch of amateurs who hadn’t lifted a rifle before a fortnight ago, William Hague has decided to send in crack units of bankers from the Queen’s Own Royal Bank of Scotland, the 4th Armoured Lloyds TSB and the HBOS Commandos.

It is intended that they wreak havoc with the Libyan economy through targeted bad investments, consequent government bail-outs and huge bonuses.

The UK public hope there will be a ‘serious misunderstanding’ and that Gaddafi or the rebels shoots the lot.

Intense training regime involving obscene amounts of your money.

One thing learnt from the SAS debacle is that Call of Duty (Black Ops) is no substitute for proper training.

Had a bizarre dream the other night – woke up mumbling about Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s Psychic Shopping Mall.

Any psychoanalysts out there please get back to me.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Going Down the Pub to See the Libyan Game

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “Are these jocks yours?”

Chairman: “No, I think you’ve managed to mix my jocks with your father’s in the washing machine.”

Hay: “I’m going to have to sew name tags into your clothes – both of you.”

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman: “If there is a purpose to the universe, I think it is to ultimately become conscious and thus contemplate itself. We, through our consciousness, are the start of that – possibly even the end of it.”

Hay: “How do you work that out Einstein?”

Chairman: “The pure energy of Big Bang became more ordered when converted into matter. Matter became inexorably more ordered through the creation of galaxies, suns with their heavy elements and planetary systems, with simple and then complex life eventually arising. The next stage was for the universe to become self-aware, which was achieved through us.”

Hay: “If everything is becoming more complex, how do you account for men?”

Chairman: “Good point.”

Britons Take a Deep Interest in Islam

Friday is the new Saturday.

Instead of watching football matches on Sky Sports at the local pub on Saturday afternoons, millions of football fans are now opting to go down to the pub on Friday lunchtimes to watch Al Jazeera in the hope of seeing something far more exciting kick off somewhere in the Middle East or North Africa following Friday Prayers.

Fans are separating into pro and anti government supporters, sporting their favourite teams’ keffiyehs instead of football scarves. Less sartorially minded supporters are wearing chequered tea towels from Bon Marche or Tesco on their heads. As a consequence, the nation’s pubs now resemble Al Qaeda reunions on Friday afternoons.

For obvious theological reasons, drinking is not allowed, but loud cheering of the violence is entirely acceptable, as is attendance at post-match war crimes tribunals. While the loosing of shots into the air after a game is generally frowned on in the UK, it is entirely acceptable within the safety of an inner-city pub.

Some are hoping Jose Mourinho can be brought in to manage the Libyan Rebels and improve their defensive strategy against the Gaddafi Rovers – perhaps moving to a 4-3-2-1 formation and substituting tanks for Molotov Cocktails early on in the game.

Gary Lin-Akbar, Professor of Neo-Classical Islamic Footballology at Leicester University, respected Al Jazeera Sport pundit and crisp franchisee, is concerned that Gaddafi’s team is engaging in high tackles and has suggesting that FIFA should introduce a no-high-tackle-zone over Libya – especially as the Libyan Rebels are not very good in the air. He is also concerned about the large number of foreign players in the Gaddafi team.

Lin-Akbar is also critical of Gaddafi Rovers’ Zawiya manoeuvre. He stated: “A typical Gaddafi move and one he has never had success with yet after 40 years in management. When will he learn that there have to be two rebel strongholds between the attacker and his goal to stay on-side. If the opposition have a decent goalkeeper (or phalanx) the move is doomed to failure.”

He continued: “Also I don’t think it sporting for Gaddafi Rovers to have camouflage as their away strip, especially when the Libyan Rebels only have a motley assortment of flip-flops, jeans and Led Zeppelin T shirts as their home strip.”

Britons Incapable of Understanding English

The MHRA (Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency) is considering changing the instructions on medications that say ‘avoid alcohol’, as millions of illiterate Brits seem to think this means ‘do not knock the medication back with a double scotch chaser, but it’s perfectly OK to then go out and get totally flattened on 12 pints of larger immediately afterwards’.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Sunday Supplement on Saturday

There will be no Sunday edition of the Chairman’s blog, and thus next week’s horoscope by Gurt Lush will appear today.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The DNA evidence will be misplaced, so you can breathe a sigh of relief; however, a bit of witness intimidation would nonetheless be advised as backup.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well, I did warn you last week!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you do not send me £500, I cannot be held responsible for the misfortune that will befall you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
That feeling of self-loathing you’re currently experiencing, that wrenching feeling of worthlessness, that gapping chasm of emptiness - it may be a direct result of having sold your soul to Satan last Saturday.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
That report you were waiting for from the STD clinic will arrive this week. Be prepared for a surprise – and for God’s sake have a bath.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Much as it may prove an inconvenience, avoid doing anything next week that involves dwarves, colonic irrigation and bondage equipment.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your humour could be described as quirky, which is probably why no-one can stand to be near you this coming week.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Do something totally out of character – phone a relative and tell them you like them. They’ll never believe you, but at least you’ll derive the perverse satisfaction of confusing the hell out of them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your self-confidence has suffered of late – give it a boost by going to evensong on Sunday, pretending you have Tourette’s and seeing how understanding the congregation can be.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If I were you, I’d wipe your hard disk using an industrial grade data scrubber - your ISP is on to you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Drinking all day is not going to solve your problems. To get real relief you’re going to have to combine it with mindless violence and revenge. Perhaps a trip to a football match may do the trick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You also have a reckless tendency to rely on luck – this is because you lack any talent whatsoever. As a consequence you have been led into becoming a substance abuser - it may be time to stop drinking this week, or at least reduce it to half a bottle of vodka a day to give your liver a chance.

Disclaimer: Gurt Lush cannot be held responsible for these events coming to pass or not happening at all - he is merely interpreting the cosmic karma, or some such nonsense.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Octogenatian Footballing Neanderthal Clergy

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman (reading from VS Ramachandran’s ‘Phantoms of the Brian’): “’Temporal lobe epilepsy patients tend to be pedantic, argumentative, egocentric and garrulous. They also tend to be obsessed with abstract thought.’ Who does that sound like to you?”

Hay: “You.”

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman: “What worries me more is that every previous warming event has been followed by an Ice Age. How would we survive that?”

Hay: “What, with your massive lungs and body hair? On an evolutionary basis you’re barely out of the last Ice Age.”

A well prepared Chairman

Scotland’s Alex Salmond Sadly Mistaken

Alex Salmond, the Scottish First Minister, yesterday called footballers ‘role models’.

Which ones would that be then? Danny Blanchflower, Stanley Matthews or Pele perhaps? Can’t think of a member of the current crop who I’d like my son to have as a role model.

Footballing heroes?

80 Year-Old Bloke Proves Octogenarians Have a Use

Rupert Murdoch, an 80 year-old (in a few days) Australian and sometime American, has proven that an octogenarian can still have enough brain cells to run a vast business empire that makes huge amounts of money and run rings around young whippersnappers.

It is thought that the government will use this as justification for pushing the state pension age to 80.

Christian Sect Disenfranchises Computer Programmers from Clerical Hierarchy

Everyone is familiar with the antediluvian argument that the Church should not admit women as bishops due to Jesus not choosing women as disciples.

A new Christian sect, The Latter Day Church of Pedantry, is taking this biblical exegesis to its logical conclusion by only admitting to its priestly class those whose occupations match those of the disciples.

Arch Grand Hierophant, Daniel Birdseye, a former fisherman, said: “Jesus did not employ computer programmers and thus they cannot be admitted to our clergy. There is an argument that Doubting Thomas may have been a systems analyst, as doubting is essential to getting a system working correctly; however, we have no direct proof of this. Similarly telephone sanitisers, call-centre operatives and particle physicists are forbidden entry to our ranks.”

He goes on to say: “Former members of the IRA and Al Qaeda are permitted to join us, along with criminal Supergrasses.”

The occupations allowed are as follows:

Peter – Fisherman
John – Fisherman
James – Fisherman
Andrew – Fisherman
Philip – Fisherman’s Friend
Bartholomew – Unknown
Thomas – Unknown
Matthew – Tax Inspector
James, the son of Alphaeus – Unknown
Thaddeus – Unknown
Simon – Zealot, or Terrorist
Judas – Police Informant

Given than Philip is listed as the friend of a fisherman - or Fisherman's Friend – it could be interpreted that he was a maker of lozenge shaped sweets, although this is unlikely, as Fleetwood was not at that time an integral part of the Roman Empire. That is not to say he couldn’t have migrated there as part of the Jewish Diaspora and had the surname Lofthouse (an upper room where a Last Supper could be held).

There is a tenuous Jewish link with Fleetwood in that Peter Green, the Jewish guitarist, is a former member of the iconic popular beat combo, Fleetwood Mac.

A small splinter sect, The Church of the Utterly Literal Interpretation, has forbidden any but Jews to the clergy on the basis that Jesus chose only Jews. A rider stipulates that such Jews must have Anglicised Greek names. Naturally, the sect is extremely small.

Bishop Rebecca and Revd. Tabitha - members of the clergy.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Oops For LMD Defence Cuts

Cameron to Go on the Offensive Over Libya

Given his low standing at home, David Cameron knows he needs to pull off a ‘Thatcher’ in order to regain popularity.

However, virtually all the UK’s front-line troops have been handed their P45s in recent weeks and are in training for supermarket security jobs as mercenaries.

For this reason Cameron has decided to bring out the big guns by declaring a strategic ‘no library zone’ over Libya, with all Libyan libraries being picketed by crack regiments of redundant British librarians.

Nexus 6 Combat Librarian armed with heavily camouflaged copies of Carl von Clausewitz’s ‘On Libraries’ and Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of Librarianship’.

It is thought by some that he will persuade Barak Obama to invade Libya by leaking a story to the Daily Mail concerning Gaddafi secret plans to construct Libraries of Mass Destruction – or LMDs.

The Institute of Strategic Studies maintains he should go so far as to impose the English National Curriculum on Libya, thus destroying Libyan literacy for decades to come and neutralising any foreseeable threat from LMDs.

Egyptian Refugees Say: “Oops”

Egyptian refugees fleeing Libya have been angrily demanding that the Egyptian government come to their aid.

It then dawned on them that they overthrew their government a couple of weeks ago in a similar event.

Chairman Bill Solves Problem of UK’s Defence Cuts

The savage cuts occasioned to the UK’s armed forces can be mitigated by strategic use of the brain’s ability to ignore gaps and fill in the detail.

Close your right eye and stare at the black square in the image below. Move your face closer to the screen and at a specific point (around 12-18 inches) the red gap in the line of soldiers will disappear and be filled with a nonexistent and totally imaginary soldier.

Of course the UK’s troops would need to stand on each others’ heads to ensure the success of the illusion, along with exploding a diversionary black square to their left - the enemy’s right - to focus the eyes of the enemy (it will actually work for line abreast, but the line must be short). The enemy would be fooled into wearing eye patches on their right eye through the pre-engagement promulgation of a YouTube video showing the eye patch to be a suave fashion statement for troops.

It is thought that this optical illusion, caused by the eye’s blind spot and the brain’s ability to deceive the mind (a bit like election promises), could also be used for naval vessels.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Discrimination Against Emperor Rothko's New Clothes

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “Are you building a motte and bailey defensive stockade around the stove from the firewood?”

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: “I’d really like to see that Mark Rothko show.”

Chairman: “Emperor Rothko? I thought he’s stopped broadcasting when Radio Luxembourg went off-air.”

Emperor Rothko’s “Dulux Tester Pots No.1”

Ladies’ Nights Banned Under EU Legislation

The recent European Court of Human Rights ruling that women cannot be charged less for insurance than men has provoked uproar in the nation’s clubland, as ladies’ nights will also be illegal.

A ladies' night is a promotional event, often at a bar or nightclub, where female patrons get in for free, whereas male patrons must pay.

Young men have responded angrily to the ruling. Nathan Der Thaal, a whippet smoother from Accrington said: “I don’t mind paying extra to get into a club that’s stuffed to the rafters with hot, drunk totty – well, any totty really – even grotesquely fat totty.”

“'Ere Chantelle, can you remember where I left my knickers?”
"I think they're in that John Lewis bag on the right."

There is a high probability that the provision of cheap travel to OAPs may additionally be declared illegal under EU age discrimination legislation, as well as pubs henceforth being filled to the brim with snot-nosed underage drinkers shouting: “Age discrimination!”

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Price Rises, Franco Awards & Councils

Oil Prices Rise on News of Local Post Office Closure

Gas Prices Rise on News of Rain in Aberdeen

Electricity Prices Rise on News of Arsenal Win

Oil Prices Rise on News of Gas & Electricity Price Rises

Oil Prices Rise on News of Oil Price Rise

Seems like it anyway.

Franco Awards Ceremony Winners Announced

Last night saw the inauguration of the Franco Awards – the equivalent of the Oscars, but for dictators. The Francos are named after Generalissimo Francisco Franco Bahamonde, dictator of Spain between 1st April 1939 and 20th November 1975.

Dictators past and present met in Havana to celebrate truly great oppression and a maniacal disregard for democracy.

The results for the different categories were as follows:

  • Best Dictator – Robert Mugabe, for “Absolute Power”.
  • For Sheer Balls in a Dictatorial Role – Muammar Gaddafi, for “Alamein”.
  • Best Dictator in a Supporting Role - Saif al-Islam Gaddafi, for his news broadcasts in “Alamein”.
  • Fastest Toppling – Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, for “Last Days of Carthage”.
  • Most Convincing Portrayal of a Madman – Kim Jong-Il, for “Mad Max”.
  • Dictator Having Most Power - Wen Jiabao in “The China Syndrome”.
  • Best Newcomer – Hugo Chavez, in “The Cartel”.
  • Best Makeup – Hosni Mubarak, for the documentary “Black Hair”.
  • Best Costumes – Muammar Gaddafi, for “The Great Dictator”.
  • Most Psychotic Dictator’s Family – Saddam Hussein (posthumously) for “The Thief of Baghdad”.
  • Most Creative Use of Repressive Violence – Shared between Muammar Gaddafi and Robert Mugabe for various films.
  • Academy Lifetime Achievement Award – Fidel Castro.

Muammar Gaddafi wore a beautiful powder blue number by Army Navy Stores and styled by Dior. He staggered under the weight of accessories and medals designed by Corus Steel Works. He was visibly emotional on receipt of the Franco award and went into a rambling and delusional speech, thanking the Academy and all the people who love him in Libya.


Millions to Have Their Children Removed following Ruling

Following a landmark ruling that a devout Christian couple is unfit to foster children due to their views on homosexuality, council workers are being instructed to remove the children of all Christians, Muslims, BNP members and Daily Mail readers as a precaution.

Cameron Threatens to Use Force Against Gaddafi

The question is, whose? Didn't think we had any left.

Chairman Uncertain

Chairman bill is reported to be uncertain whether it's "a devout Christian couple is unfit" or "a devout Christian couple are unfit". The latter sounds right, but the former is correct according to the rules of grammar due to it being a single unit of 'a couple'.

Opinions gratefully received.