Modern ABC for Kids

I accidentally managed to cut off the J and T, but you get the general idea.

Sunday Supplement Horoscope

Our special correspondent, Gurt Lush, has returned for today’s one-off Sunday supplement and provides our readers with a 'personalised' horoscope.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Don’t view your impending redundancy as a problem; see it more as an opportunity to tell your boss exactly what you think of him - before he tells you you’re redundant.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will bring good fortune – but only if you get that blackmail letter posted as soon as you can.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Not everyone will appreciate your psychotic humour this week, so rein it in and put the knives back in the cutlery drawer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You need a boost. Go out and buy yourself a new outfit – but use someone else’s credit card.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Remember that little stalking incident? Well it’s going to come back and haunt you this week. It transpires she is a lady Chief Constable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you seem to have a way with the written word; dyslexia does have this effect.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Love could be waiting for you this week in a dimly lit motorway service station toilet or country car park. Learn to embrace your bisexuality.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Don’t let your paranoia get to you, as I’ll be looking over your shoulder all this week and keeping my eye on you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The discovery that your mother and father are brother and sister will come as a bit of a shock this week.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your talents are not being appreciated – up your game and get yourself a job stuffing envelopes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Scorpios are well known for their intuitive insight – but not you, apparently.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You seem to be able to make others laugh. Perhaps a bit of facial reconstruction would help – or an exorcism.

Ben Gazzara's Bonus More Than French Bottled Water

Ben Gazzara in Hiding as Defence Cuts Bite

Octogenarian American actor, Ben Gazzara, famous as the star of 60s TV drama ‘Run For Your Life’, is currently in hiding since hearing reports that the Royal Navy is sending a warship to him in the mistaken belief he’s a coastal town in eastern Libya.

It is believed that the mistake was caused by defence cuts and the axing of the Royal Navy’s GPS satellite navigation budget.

Women the world over are keeping their legs crossed in case the RN makes a similar mistake in finding Libya.



Lloyds’ CEO Daniels Tells Massive Porkies

The outgoing Lloyds Bank CEO, Eric Daniels, told the BBC’s Robert Peston that he had not yet decided whether to take his £1.45bn bonus. Yeah, right!

One thing is certain – he sure as hell won’t be putting it in any bank.



Galliano Stands Up for British Sport

British designer John Galliano was inexplicably arrested in Paris yesterday.

Sources report that at the time he was engaged in combining two traditional and well respected British pastimes, championship binge drinking and hurling abuse at the French.

Apparently he had just downed two bottles of wine, which would be considered by many in Britain as nothing more than a warm-up prior to a really good game of ‘Bar Shelf Shandies’ followed by ‘Spot the Vichy’.

Although of Spanish and Gibraltarian extraction, Galliano is known to be fiercely loyal to British traditions. Despite this he foolishly accepted an invitation into the French Legion of Honour in 2009 with the rank of Chevalier, which some saw as an underhand (and typically French) attempt at nobbling him and getting him barred on a technicality from the All British French Baiting Championships next year in Hastings.


Petrol May Become More Expensive Than Water

With petrol heading for £1.40 a litre, middle-class consumers are facing the ghastly worry that it will soon be more expensive than that other essential, bottled water. Cash strapped middle-class families may be forced to choose between Evian and Shell or BP.

Tabitha Cootes-Brown-Hall, mother of two and professional children’s lunchbox planner, said: “Well, it’s a hard decision. Without petrol I’d not be able to use my Thunder-Whacker GTi 4X4 to travel the 200 yards to drop my children off at school or travel to do my job and thus possibly be out of work; however, without my Evian I’d be shunned within my social group, which is a totally unacceptable social stigma. The petrol will simply have to go.”

Bin Men Mercenaries Extradited for Face Transplant

Gaddafi Blames Bin Men

Muammar Gaddafi has gone on state TV to blame the Libyan unrest on the Bin Men.

He went on to add some other factors:

• The increasing number of lard-arses in the UK,
• Quantum fluctuations in the fabric of space-time,
• Mercenaries funded by Exxon/BP/Shell/Halliburton,
• Julian Assange,
• iPhones that don’t work,
• Cornish pasties,
• Climate change,
• Solar flares, and
• Lord Voldemort.


ExPats Lambast Oil Giants for Not Funding Libyan Invasion

Oil workers stranded is Libya (let’s face it, given Libya’s history they’re the only buggers daft enough to be in the country in the first place) have lambasted the failure of the oil majors to use their billions to fund a mercenary-led invasion to rescue them and secure the oil fields for an Exxon/BP/Shell/Halliburton oilygarchy.

Capesthorne Hall, a drill coddler, itinerant British lard-arse and non-UK tax payer, said: “Given the option I’d have a mercenary consortium comprising Bruce Willis, Micky Rourke, Sylvester Stallone and Daniel Craig leading the invasion. For added gravitas and dramatic effect, I’d have Richard Burton leading the group with Edward Fox doing something nefarious at HQ involving Roman Ambramovich and a football team. Sigourney Weaver might be added so as to appeal to the female oil workers. Fredrick Forsythe could write the script. God knows who the token South African and Cuban mercenaries could be though.”

An anonymous oil industry executive said: "Why should we spend any of our ill-gotten gains on repatriating our staff? Governments bailed out the banks when everything went tits up; now it's our turn. We only have 43 corporate aircraft, after all. However, we will lend some to the government."


Daily Mail Readers Back Assange Extradition

Wikileaks spokesperson, Julian Assange, has failed in his attempt at fighting extradition to Sweden.

It is suggested that the reason is due to a campaign mounted by Daily Mail readers, who thought he looked suspiciously Swedish.

Given enough lack of evidence and editorial, they could even be persuaded that he’s a Guardian reading, gay Moslem with paedophile tendencies and living on benefits.

Said one Daily Mail reader: "The collapse of every major civilisation can be traced to the population reading the Guardian."


Patrick Monahan Has Robbie Williams Face Transplant

Patrick Monahan, Robert Plant impersonator and lead singer of the rock band Train, is believed to have had a face transplant using a donor Robbie Williams.

Williams (left) and Monahan (right)

Train – Ramble On

Don't let the start of the following video confuse you - it's actually a well-put-together medley. There's even a hint of Jay Kay about his performance.

Sauron Mediates Blyton's Heavy Mobile

Gaddafi Clearly Deranged - Declares Led Zep ‘Heavy Rock’ Band

Rock impresario and part-time dictator, Colonel Gaddafi, has stunned the world of popular music by declaring Led Zeppelin to be a heavy rock band, thus confirming his deranged state of mind and seeding doubts as to whether he originated from an M-Class planet.

Music experts the world over have maintained for decades that the legendary and influential band, who disbanded over 30 years ago on the death of drummer John Bonham, defy attempts to be pigeonholed into any specific genre.

Gaddafi went on to threaten Led Zep tribute bands with instant death by air-strikes, which paradoxically made him sound reasonably sane.

Insane dress sense, but very Purple Haze

Divorcing Couples to Endure Another 5 Minutes Together

Divorcing couples will be forced to endure the excruciating pain of a session with disinterested prats from the family mediation services before they are allowed to go to court to trash each other, the government is announcing.

Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly – who is obviously one of those ghastly immigrants the Daily Mail was on about the other day - said mediation was "a quicker, cheaper and more amicable alternative to the over-worked family courts”. Who is he trying to kid?

Divorcing couples interviewed for this channel suggested that a couple of guns and 50 paces at dawn would be a cheaper, quicker and more effective alternative.

Colonel Gaddafi interjected by saying the courts could be saved a lot of time - and coulples a lot of money - by the introduction of the eminently sensible Sunni practice of the triple ‘talaq’, which allows a husband to end a relationship by saying ‘I divorce you’ three times. The madman added: “I doubt whether Daly Mail readers would agree with a sensible idea suggested by a certified madman – although, on the other hand….”

Cheaper alternative?

New Zealanders Blame Sauron

Some New Age New Zealanders are blaming Sauron, servant of Morgoth and Lord of Mordor, for the earthquake that struck Middle Earth earlier this week.

They are believed to be in contact with Sir Ian McKellen and are negotiating with him to cast protective spells and recruit a division of commando dwarves and SAS elves to create a ring of mithril around Mordor to prevent Sauron attacking again.

Sauron is believed to be assisted by Orcs for Aukland.

Adverts have also been placed in the Christchurch Advertiser for some Halflings to undertake a suicide mission to Mount Doom. The job spec stipulates previous experience with Ring Wraiths.

One lembas short of a picnic?

Mobile Phones Make You Annoying, Research Confirms

A study by the National Institutes of Health in the US suggests that mobile phones could have an effect on the brain.

The research suggests that repeated use of mobile phones makes you talk unbearably loudly on trains about fictitious business deals to imaginary contacts, as well as giving you an uncontrollable addiction to upgrading to the newest specification phone every five minutes.

Children, do not do this at home - this man is a fully trained clown.

Lost Enid Blyton Book Unearthed

Publishers cannot understand why the lost Enid Blyton book, recently discovered in a collection of manuscripts, was never published by the famous children’s author.

“Five Lose it in a Warehouse” would have been an instant best seller, they maintain, although it may not have resounded with her traditional readership, who are currently more into the bloodthirsty Call of Duty – Black Ops.

A good film script, perhaps?

Martian Scots Immigrants Given Invisible PGI Status

Gaddafi ‘in Tripoli’, Like Mars500 Astronauts ‘on Mars’

In the same manner as the Mars500 volunteer ‘astronauts’ are on a simulated Mars after a simulated 7 month flight, Colonel Gaddafi is thought to have constructed an elaborate facsimile of Tripoli somewhere in Venezuela from which to beam simulated live footage of him holding an umbrella while dressed in a brown sack.

In an address to the Libyan people, Gaddafi vowed to remain in office either until David Cameron promised a reprieve for England's libraries, or until he was sectioned under the Mental Health Act, or until he was shot (Gaddafi, not Cameron).

Planet Tripoli?

Scots Don’t Understand Time

Like the peasants in 1752 who thought adopting the Gregorian calendar would mean they ‘lost’ 11 days of their lives, Scottish farmers seem to be of the opinion that there will only be 23 hours in each day should the UK adopt double summer time this year.

Scottish farming couple

BA Cabin Crew Aim for Win in Darwin Awards

Commemorating those who yield to natural selection and "remove" themselves from the gene pool, BA cabin crew are entering the Darwin Awards by holding a ballot on strike action designed to ensure the complete eradication of their species.


Canadian Research Team Sticks Two Fingers Up at British Doctors

A meta-analysis of 30 years of research by a Canadian team has shown that while Brits may well die a nasty, painful and needlessly early death from liver disease occasioned by binge drinking, their hearts will be 100% healthy and capable of being used in transplants for migrants and rich dictators, thereby providing a much needed financial stimulus to the NHS.


Daily Mail Readers Incensed at Foreigners Funding Their Pensions

The Daily Mail is livid that 3m totally legal, tax paying migrants (just like your intrepid reporter) moved to the UK in the last 13 years.

Economists estimate that at these rates the tax receipts from them should just about enable the government to keep paying pensions to hideously xenophobic Daily Mail readers for a few years more.

During the same period, about 1m Brits have flooded into the rest of the world, most being non-working pensioners who are a drain on the services in the lands to which they migrated – buying up all the property and pushing prices so high than the indigenous population can no longer afford to live there and have to consider moving to the UK in a 3 to 1 ratio.

The Daily Mail also reports that our schools have had to cope with an extra 500,000 pupils whose 1st language is not English. The Daily Mail neglects to mention that most immigrant children are able to speak English fluently (and spell it) within 6 months to a year of arrival.

English children struggle to achieve that level of competency by the time they leave school, which is why our universities are crammed to the rafters with citizens whose parents were not born here.

Pressing social issues

Cornish Pasty Status Augers Death of Russian Roulette Outside Russia

Cornish pasty barons have successfully lobbied the EU for Protected Geographical Indication (PGI) status.

This has enormous ramifications as producers of various regional products now apply for PGI themselves. Examples include:

• French dressing
• Lancashire hotpot
• Yorkshire pudding
• Chile sauce (OK – let me off with that one)
• Rugby
• China
• Indian ink
• Dutch courage
• Siamese cats
• German shepherds
• Welsh rarebit
• Irish coffee
• Russian roulette
• Axle Greece (and that one)
• Moon cakes
• Mars Bar
• Galaxy
• Milky Way
• Paris Hilton

Free market, my arse!

Castro States the Bleeding Obvious

Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro says the US has no interest in seeing peace in Libya but is solely concerned with the country's oil reserves.

The US Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, said: “So?”


Miliband Still Invisible and Silent

Today, Ed Miliband again said nothing worth reporting.

Google image searches on 'Miliband' still produce page after page of images of David Miliband and no Ed.

Civil War Self-Doubt on Live & Let Live HR Jubilee Presents

Cameron Warns of Civil War

David Cameron has said that library protesters risk plunging the country into civil war unless they disperse from public libraries.

Cameron, who stands accused of attempting to rig the voting system so his regime can remain in power for decades, is thought to have a plane on standby to evacuate him, his family and Nick Clegg to Wales, where they will seek refuge in the slate mines of Bora-Bora if things go tits up.

There again, his destination could possibly be his ancestral lands around Peasemore in Berkshire, where he is thought to have tribal support from the local warlords.

The Foreign Office has advised against travel to Westminster.

How the war could go

MPs Suffer from Self-Doubt, Just Like Humans

The recent spate of policy back-tracking on the part of government ministers shows that self-doubt is not solely limited to humans.

This, however, does not apply to former PM Tony Blair.

Blair and friend

Private Companies Say they Have Enough HR Staff

In a slap in the face to David Cameron’s plans for decimation of the public sector, private sector companies are failing to take up the slack of redundant public sector workers.

Public sector union leaders say the private sector is missing out on a massive talent pool in ….. HR ……… and HR ………. and HR.

Company bosses say that employing people who have as much customer empathy as a north African dictator is not conducive to good customer service. The HR department, however, is a different matter.

They say that, in any case, they already have too many so-called HR staff dreaming up evermore bizarre ways of justifying their existence, such as getting people to apply for non-existent jobs via overly complicated on-line forms which simply refuse to upload after an applicant has spent hours entering totally irrelevant information.

Existing private sector HR staff are additionally already fully adept at not being able to interpret a cv, organising woo-woo psychometric tests, ignoring the fact applicants would like to see a salary and a location attached to the job spec and leaving applicants in limbo after the application. They therefore have nothing to learn from the public sector in this respect - except perhaps the creation of stupid policies.



William and Kate Want No Presents

Except perhaps a palace of their own from Granny England.

A palace?

Cruel Trick Played on Child

12 year-old Katherine Dewar from Chester won a contest to design the emblem for the Diamond Jubilee in 2012 of woman who is currently 84 – 5 years older than the average lifespan for a woman.

Child development experts consider this a cruel trick, as the odds of the old woman concerned lasting another whole year are rather slim, especially if the 62 year-old and 3rd longest serving Prince of Wales has anything to do with it.


Restaurant Review – Live & Let Live, Frampton Cotterell

Another restaurant review – this time for the ‘Live And Let Live’ in Frampton Cotterell, a Bath Ales pub, which we visited on Saturday evening (our 2nd visit).

I have yet to be disappointed with a Bath Ales pub, and this is no exception to the rule. Thus far we have been to the ‘Live and Let Live’ and the ‘Swan at Swineford’. Another three to visit yet.

The staff are friendly and have intimate knowledge of all the drinks on offer, as well as the food - no having to go back and forth from table to kitchen to find out what the soup of the day is. Customer service is exceptional – even if you have a complaint (a woman on our first visit complained about the steak – more from a lack of food knowledge than anything actually being wrong, as far as we could see, with the meal).

We both had mushrooms on ciabatta as a starter – delicious.

Next Hay had a sirloin with all the trimmings, while I had a lamb rump with bashed swede, savoy cabbage and a jus. Both were cooked to perfection with the lamb being crispy on the outside and beautifully pink inside. Can’t say I’m particularly fond of swede, but this was beautiful in the jus.

Drinks consisted of the house red (deep and fruity) and several glasses of Bath Ales’ Bounder cider. I found Bounder a bit sweet and too much like cheap processed cider. Customer opinion is apparently equally divided on Bounder – a bit like Marmite, you either love it or hate it.

Desserts comprised crème brulee – exquisite, as usual!

Including tip, the bill came to £64, of which £23 was booze, thus extremely good value. Fine dining food at pub prices – Bath Ales certainly know how to run a gastro-pub. The Live & Let Live is easily the best place for good value pub food in a 10 mile radius.

Took the photo too late into the meal to give you a full appreciation

Gurt Lush's Beauty Tips

Combining the social skills of John Prescott and the suavity of Compo Simmonite, Gurt Lush is a renowned arbiter of taste, decorum and good manners.

Gurt has kindly consented to give our readers a few tips on how to look great while distributing copies of The Big Issue.

1. Use Berkeley menthol cigarette dog-ends as a quick and convenient breath freshener.
2. A sloosh of meths around your mouth removes the green from your teeth as if by magic.
3. Cheesy sock smells can be prevented by rubbing warm chip fat into your feet last thing at night.
4. To prevent unsightly shaving rash, Gurt recommends shaving only once a fortnight.
5. For bags under the eyes, a liberal application of badger urine works wonders.
6. To hide grime stains on your trousers, simply apply more grime all over your trousers and you’ll be surprised at the results – the stain will disappear before your eyes.
7. If you have unsightly nicotine stains on your fingers, try to get some iodine and soak your hands in it. Not only will the nicotine stains be hidden, it will work wonders on your scabs and kill all the ticks.
   

Gurt will be providing further tips throughout the year. Keep an eye out for his sartorial tips in spring, such as how to choose the best string with which to hold up your trousers.

Facebook Wedding & Lions' Dens

William & Kate Invite Facebook ‘Friends’

Prince William and Kate Middleton are inviting 1,900 guests to their wedding, over half of which are reported to be family and friends. That makes roughly 500 family and friends each.

No-one has 500 family and friends, leading to the inescapable conclusion that the vast majority are Facebook friends - or as we experts call them, people they don’t actually know.



A more serious story:

Laura Logan is a news reporter for CBS, and she also happens to have model looks and long blonde hair.

Film star looks

CBS, in their wisdom, sent her to report live from Tahrir Square during the recent fracas there. She somehow got separated from her team and, surprisingly for some, suffered a sexual assault. Miraculously she was not, however, raped.

Reading various reports about this I am astounded at the number of people who thought she was brave. Let’s be clear about this - it’s not brave to put your finger in the fire, nor is it brave to stamp on a bear trap – it’s foolhardy in the extreme.

Those who have pointed out this obvious fact in various comments areas of news websites are being rounded on with comments such as: “Oh, just typical to blame the victim rather than the perpetrators,” leading to some pretty heated exchanges.

The woman must have stood out like, well, like a beautiful, bleached blonde woman in a predominantly male crowd in a Muslim country in the Middle East where law and order was breaking down and emotions were at an all-time high – and she’s an American to boot!

The least she should have done was to cover up her hair - she’s not even a natural blonde, for God’s sake.

Not a blonde

It was an ugly incident just waiting to happen - it’s like saying that a Tory aristo walking into the middle of the Toxteth or St Paul's riots wearing his House of Lords regalia would not bear some responsibility if he got a bottle over his head.

Yes, the Egyptian men should not have assaulted her – but there’s a maxim in marine law which says no-one in a collision is 100% to blame. Blame always ends up being apportioned according to the level of contribution to the accident, as there are actions that both parties can take to avoid a collision.

I don’t care what anyone says - this woman knowingly walked into a lions’ den and therefore must take some responsibility for what happened.

Reading Misleading Boat Show Video Votes

English Kids to be Taught to Read Gibberish

In the latest ploy to destroy our kids' education, the nation's childred are to be taut to reed gibalrish to cheque pupils' ability to deecode wurds using fonics, the Ejucayshun Sekretery Mikiel Gowve has sed.

At least they may grow up understanding what football managers say in interviews.

At least they may spell their tattoos correctly.

Liverpool Boat Show Cancelled

The prestigious Liverpool Boat Show has been cancelled, just two months before it was to be held, probably due to some scumbag nicking the dock in which it was meant to be held.

Liverpool, playground of the rich and famous and known for its Bootle stock-broker-belt and Wirral tax haven, would have been the ideal venue, being able to host an event six times larger than the Southampton Boat Show and provide the inhabitants of Liverpool with thousands of car wheels with which to sustain the local economy for at least 12 months.

Traditional Scouse welcome.

Mel Gibson to Produce Promotional Videos for Dictators

Mel Gibson, renowned for making historical films with the accuracy and attention to detail of a blind butcher, is believed to have been asked to produce promotional videos and news reports for Middle East dictators, kings and potentates.

The brief is to show them as loveable men of the people and fathers of their nations, rather than the bloodthirsty, corrupt and brutal bastards they actually are.

As accurate as £5 chronograph.

Millions of Children to Sue Parents

Two brothers have been found guilty of misleading thousands of customers at a Lapland-themed Christmas park.

A jury at Bristol Crown Court found both men guilty on five counts of misleading advertising – customers complained the place looked nothing like Lapland or Santa’s home and more like a toxic dump.

Our law experts think this will now set a legal precedent for millions of kids to sue their parents on the same grounds for telling them that Father Christmas actually exists.

There may also be implications for the Church.

Sue your parents - you know it makes sense!

Glegg and Cameron at Odds Over X-Factor Voting

David Cameron and whosisname Clegg are setting out their opposing views over the voting system.

While Clegg favours the X-Factor judges having a transferable vote, Cameron prefers the first past the post system and the judges having no vote at all.

On the important issues, however, Clegg and Cameron remain solidly against the public.

Major constitutional crisis.

Geordie Minister Denies Newbury Plagiarism Cull

German Minister Denies Plagiarism

Germany's defence minister, Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, has denied newspaper allegations that he committed plagiarism in his law PhD thesis.

Guttenberg may have commented: “When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; when you take it from many writers it's research,” although we are led to believe that is a Wilson Mizner quote.


Geordies Fear Being Told to Integrate

An unlicensed taxi driver who had not learned English despite living in Britain for 20 years has been criticised by a judge for failing to 'integrate'.

Hundreds of thousands of Geordies are now fearing they will be next and are enrolling for English courses.

A Geordie who was interviewed for this column said something unintelligible.


Bahrain Protests Boost UK Exports

In a welcome boost for UK Plc, UK exports of tear gas, flash grenades and various associated armaments to Bahrain went through the roof in the last quarter of 2010, which coincided with the local elections.

Arms exports to Saudi are shortly expected to see a welcome boost too.


Workshy to be Offered Jobs at Newbury Racecourse

Following successful trials with horses, a new government initiative to reduce the national benefits bill will see workshy benefits claimants being offered employment at Newbury racecourse.

They will be put to work in the parade ring, be compulsorily made to wear hobnailed boots and soaked in water before venturing onto the ring.


South Glos. Council Cuts Social Services Bill

In an attempt at reducing the social services bill by 50%, South Glos. Council has voted to cull all pensioners from mid 2011.

It is thought this will also provde a much needed boost to the flagging housing market.

Western Democracy Incompatible with Popular Revolt

While Tunisia, Egypt, Iran, Libya, Jordan, Yemen, etc. busying themselves with popular revolt, we in the west are to be incapable of removing unpopular or corrupt governments.

Our investigators say the reason for this boils down to three words – pubs, drugs and X-Factor - they keep the population docile.



I haven’t included the first in the series of the videos below as it’s not that good, but the rest are priceless and well worth watching.

Vermin in No.10

No.10 Downing Street's new cat. Larry, has already spotted a number of rats and vermin infesting the premises.

Chairman Bill's Big Society

A bit like the term ‘intelligence’, everyone knows roughly what is meant by Big Society, but can’t describe it accurately enough to communicate the concept to someone else.

Now David Cameron’s Big Society idea is finally being explained to the public in semi-coherent terms, rather than as an ideological mish-mash of muscular, post Christian, Home Counties, Tory rhetoric.

According to the lady at No.12, who heard it on the radio, it is now (after several iterations by the Tory Gedankenpolizei) the concept of rolling back the responsibility of the state and getting local volunteers to run stuff instead.

If this is indeed Cameron’s vision of The Big Society, then my suggestions are as follows:

1. Mrs Baines from No. 42 to become the Defence Secretary. She is a bastion of the local church and will show those bloody Afghans what’s what. At her disposal she has the massed ranks of the local WI, who will win the hearts and minds of the Iraqis with homemade scones and jam – if they know what’s good for them.
2. Mr Jones at Mon Repos will take over the function of Foreign Secretary and formulate our foreign policy. Mr Jones has a background in the scouting movement and knows how to get people to work together. He’s also good at knots.
3. The economy will be taken over by Mr Williams, who has an O Level in maths and used to be something big in the National Coal Board before he retired in 1985.
4. Mrs Peeves will run the UK’s police service due to the fact she knows everything that happens in the village. She has some quaint ideas on the use of corporal punishment, which have interested Col. Tuffington-Smythe over the years.
5. For running the national education system I would pull someone from the local drug rehabilitation centre or Alcoholics Anonymous – let’s face it, they can’t do any worse than this, or the previous lot.
6. Mr Smith at The Lawns is very keen to run the NHS. He has some ideas about running it as an off-shore trust in the Caymans, repackaging its assets as Toxic Triple A derivatives, selling the derivatives to the banks and putting all the proceeds into currency speculation using a front company based in Switzerland.
7. I will become Prime Minister. It will be tough for a while, what with having to live on expenses alone, but the book deals, speaking fees and non-exec directorships that will accrue following my term will make it all worthwhile.
8. I will choose Mrs Baines’ dog, Rover, as my Deputy PM. Rover just likes to please everyone (but sometimes gets into trouble for it), does what he’s told and wags his tail a lot – excellent credentials for replacing Nick Clegg.
   

Of course we’d need lots of money to set it all up and a good revenue stream to finance it year-on-year, but as PM I’d simply increase the taxes. Mind you, they’d have to go up by more than what could be saved, as we’d have to pay out rather a lot in redundancy payments and the dole to those who were doing all this previously (who would be sacked by email, obviously).

BBC Radio Chopper Porn

Prince William Faces Redundancy

The Ministry of Defence is to cut the number of trainee pilots, including helicopter pilots.

Pundits ask whether Prince William could be the first royal to face redundancy, and if not, why not?


BBC to Make All Radio Stations the Same

Following suggestions from senior BBC executives that Radio 4 should appeal to a wider audience, Radio 4 will appeal more to younger people, Radio 1 will appeal more to older people, Radio 2 will appeal more to both older and younger people, Radio 5 will introduce some intellectual content and Radios 3 will just try to appeal to someone.

The end result is predicted to be that all BBC radio stations will broadcast the same pappy mixture of all-embracing mush that no-one will want to listen to as it does not appeal directly to them.


Scientists Measure Global Porn Stash

Mankind's capacity to store the colossal amount of information in the world has been measured by scientists. The study, published in the journal Science, calculates the amount of data stored in the world by 2007 as 295 exabytes.

It is estimated that 90% of this is porn.

Tahrir Eurovision Braille

Tahrir Square Pop Festival to Become Annual Event

The Tahrir Square Pop Festival, held in Cairo between the 25th Jan and 11th Feb, was so successful that promoters are considering making it an annual event in the pop calendar.

Security this year was provided by the Egyptian Army using tanks, while crowd control was supplied by the Egyptian Police, using an effective mix of bonhomie, tear gas and rubber hoses filled with lead.

Will 2012 see Yusuf Islam headlining at the Pyramid Stage?

The least popular act this inaugural year was Hosni and the Pharaohs, who were booed off-stage. They are famous for starting the new Dictatorial Rock genre, which involves them taking the stage and being forcibly removed 30 years later.

The ever popular Muslim Brotherhood have been approached to do a 1 hour set next year, although it is thought they too may outstay their welcome.


Ireland Makes Determined Effort to Not Win Eurovision

Determined cut its national debt by ensuring it will not host the Eurovision Song Contest for a record 8th time, the Emerald Isle has selected Jedward, an Irish duo with less talent than can be found in a Missions to Seamen in Grimsby on a Sunday night and as much charisma as Hosni Mubarak, to represent it at the song festival.


Lloyd’s Pharmacy Blazes Trail in Disability Support

A Lloyd’s pharmacy shop in Chipping Sodbury High Street is innovatively using Braille to advertise its services to the blind.


Unfortunately, they haven’t yet gotten around to providing the ladder for the blind people to use to access the sign.

Falling Royal Blue Comedy Elephant Man

Mubarak Falls – Gaddafi Crapping Himself - Jordan Next?

Oh, we do hope so!

At least the Egyptians have successfully uninstalled Dictator V 3.0. Hopefully they will not now install Dictator V 4.0 via the army, from whence all the previous versions came. The army is still in charge.

Our political correspondent would not like to be Col. Gaddafi's shoes at this present time.


Blue Screen of Death to Plague Nokia Phones

Mobile phone giant, Nokia, which is suffering attrition from competing organisations, has decided to throw in its lot with Microsoft. This could mean their phones will start suffering from the Blue Screen of Death and require rebooting every few minutes, pundits have warned.

What are you staring at?

Water damaged Painting Sells for £23m

A painting by Francis Bacon that was obviously ruined by having had water spilled all over it has astonished the art world for being sold for the ridiculous sum of £23m.

Who the hell is it?

Our art critic, Brain Sewer, comments: “The work is though to be a painting of Bacon’s friend and fellow artist, Lucien Freud, but there again it could feasibly be a painting of Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man – no-one can be certain.”


Elderly Racist Celebrates His Life

Britain’s favourite undead racist, Prince Philip, will be 90 in June. A photographic celebration of his life is currently being hosted at Windsor Castle.

Organising a Royal birthday party is very expensive, and obviously Her Majesty will want to insure against Philip kicking the bucket before June. However, it will be impossible to get decent odds from the bookies or the insurance industry on him making till then, which probably explains why the exhibition is being held now.


Comedienne Miranda Hart Redefines the Word Comedy

The world’s most unfunny comedienne, who has inexplicably picked up a host of awards for her TV show, has redefined the word ‘comedy’ to mean excruciatingly embarrassing, buttock-clenchingly banal and totally bereft of any semblance of what is normally termed humour. Or is it just me who doesn't get it?

Neanderthal Prisoners Vote For Ferengi Sinners

MPs Vote to Make Us Pay £10m Fine to EU

MPs have risked the UK tax payer being fined £10m for a point of principle, a point of principle which makes not a blind bit of difference to anything. In their wisdom they have voted to contravene an article of EU human rights legislation – legislation to which they themselves, as democratically elected representatives, subscribed – specifically the right of prisoners to vote.

If the population of Liverpool is left out of the equation, the total prison population stands at around 95,000. The prospect of the UK Old Lags Party gaining a seat in parliament for Wandsworth East or Dartmoor could be eliminated by the simple expedient of only allowing prisoners to vote in the constituency they lived in prior to incarceration. That’s hardly likely to swing an election (except perhaps in Liverpool).

This news desk wonders how many libraries £10m would keep open, or how many Meals on Wheels could be delivered.

Additionally, contravening legislation to which one has previously agreed is, ipso-facto, illegal – and, ironically, doing something illegal should send one to prison.

Not a lot of point, really.

Testosterone Turns Women into Neanderthals

Research with man glands has shown that giving women a small dose of the male grunting hormone, testosterone, makes them less able to empathise and more like men.

This spells disaster for sufferers of Man Flu – a deadly virus which attacks only men. Should women come into contact with testosterone while their partners are in the iron grip of Man Flu, it is likely their men will die from lack of care.

Men suffering from this lethal virus are advised to keep their women well away from alcohol, which is known to increase testosterone levels, which in turn increases the desire to eat kebabs and in a biochemical cascade intensifies a preoccupation with cars and tits.

Do not give your woman testosterone – she could end up looking like this. Unfortunately she's not in a car.

Freecycle Infiltrated by Ferengi

Our researchers have noticed that of late the number of Freecycle Wanted adverts have overtaken the Offered adverts. Not only that, but the items being asked for show that Ferengi are infiltrating the Freecycle system.

Items being requested include rowing machines, working computers, wide-screen plasma TVs and IPhones.

The kind of items being asked for appear to satisfy the Ferengi 144th Rule of Acquisition - there's nothing wrong with charity, as long as it winds up in your pocket.

Charity starts at home.

Fake Bomb Detecting Equipment Could Advance Human Evolution

A man who successfully sold what essentially amounts to £53m worth of woo-woo dowsing equipment that purported to find bombs has been called a rogue.

The equipment does actually work, but not as intended. Rather than seeking bombs, it seeks out gullible people and fleeces them of vast amounts of money.

Company MD, Jim McCormick, said: 'We have been dealing with doubters for 10 years. One of the problems we have is that the machine does look primitive. We are working on a new model that has flashing lights.” That should cure the doubters then.

It is thought that the intrinsic value of the device is about £0.45 – without the flashing lights – and it retailed for upward of £2,000. It is rumoured that the Catholic Church may buy a job lot and use them in their woo-woo rituals to identify miserable sinners. Regular church goers have been proven to believe just about anything.

The evolutionary biologist Professor Richard Dawkins thinks the device could be invaluable in advancing human evolution by a half a million years. He says: “All we need to do is identify the people who bought these devices and cull them. This would have roughly the same effect as half a million years of evolution on the average IQ of the human race.”

Sinner detector?

Oxbridge Phone Banking Justice for Police

UK Banks to Lend You Your Money

In a radical departure from its long established business model, the UK’s banking sector is set to lend money to people.

Until now the normal practice has been one of gambling your money on what are called toxic assets and then forcing countries’ treasury departments to bail them out once everything goes tits-up, claiming they are too big to fail.

This old business model has heretofore been a hugely profitable enterprise for banks, enabling their directors to pay themselves large bonuses equivalent to a lifetime salary for the average worker, and having no adverse effect other than on the tax payer.

The friendly face of banking

UK Justice System Run by America

The UK Supreme Court cannot operate independently, it has emerged, as it is funded by a clandestine organisation called The Department of Justice, which sounds suspiciously American, as does the name Supreme Court itself.

Set up in 2009, the Supreme Court replaced the more British sounding Law Lords, who performed exactly the same function.

This has fuelled suspicion that the British justice system has been outsourced to the USA as part of a cost-cutting exercise.

Justice outsourced?

As Expected, Oxford and Cambridge Set Maximum Fees

Oxford and Cambridge Universities have decided to set their tuition fees at the maximum level of £9,000. It is thought the reason for this is because of a complex argument that says they can.

Clayhanger Hall, Professor of Applied Spending at Redbrick Poly told us: “Universities can charge up to £9,000 under exceptional circumstances. These exceptional circumstances include being a place there everyone is called Don and maintaining a film set for police dramas and spy novel adaptations.”

Faced with such impeccable logic, we had to agree.

Police drama backdrops are costly to run

Police Cutbacks Affect Crime Clear-Up Rate

Police in Lancashire have solved a 1975 murder, 3 years after the perpetrator died.

A timescale of 35 years to solve a murder is a dramatic improvement on Victorian murder crimes, where the CPS is still waiting for evidence to prosecute Jack the Ripper.

Our crime correspondent, Jack the Ripper, comments: “At this frenetic pace of improvement, it is estimated that murders will be solved within the lifetime of the perpetrator by around 2060.”

Jack the Ripper - breakthrough expected soon

Nokia Must Sell Useless Crap Too, Warns New Boss

Stephen Elop has warned Nokia staff that they must stop producing reliable phones that work and emulate Apple and Google’s success at selling crap that looks nice, doesn’t work, can’t pick up a signal and requires several visits to the phone shop before it can be used just to take a picture.

Google’s Android operating system and Apple’s iPhone are cornering the market among shallow people who like boasting about how much they paid for the latest, shiny, heap of junk they purchased - and for which the nearest crack addict will knife them with a screwdriver.

Real phones for real men with dodgy hair

Eric Clapton Milks Guitar Riff to Excess




It is good though, and he knew it. If you can't watch the whole track, jump to 1m 33s for the first riff and 3m54s for the 2nd. Steve Gadd is brilliant on the drums too.

Must win the prize for the most random lyrics - as well as title.

The News as Art

Overheard in the car:

Hay: “Well, if you get the job the journey will be only 15 minutes.”

Chairman: “Unless there are ever road works on that stretch, then it’s going to be Nightmare City.”

Hay: “There haven't been any road works there since I’ve lived here – and that’s a long time.”

Chairman: “The law of averages makes it all the more likely in the future then. There hasn’t been a mass extinction event in 65 million years– but another will come and every day that passes increases that chance.”

Hay: “There’ll be a mass extinction event in this car if you don’t shut up!”


The News as Art

Alan Burnett’s mention of the Google Art Project yesterday reminded me that I hadn’t revisited my art appreciation section for some time.

On this occasion I thought I’d use art to comment on the news:

Bank Levy Increased – Bankers Furious



Egypt Protester Says: “Let My People Go.”



Police Accused of Dissing Pathologists



X-Factor Contestant Wears Red



£1bn Overspend on M25 Widening



Pope moves Straight into 21st Century from 16th