Other Channel Dilemma

Hay: "There's a program on the other channel about OCD."

Chairman: "Is it compulsive watching...?"

Sunday Service

Chairman: "So who are the Archangels?"

Hay: "Err..."

Chairman: "Michael, Gabriel and.... what was that third Ninja Turtle's name?"

Hay: "Len McKlusky?"

Danger - Albanian Guns Printed in French

These plastic printed guns could be dangerous - just think of all the phthalates on the handles that those wielding the guns would be exposed to.

Overheard in the House:

Chairman: "Of course you realise that every word in English that ends in 'able' is French in origin - table, formidable, inimitable....."

Hay: " Cat!"

Chairman: "Catable..."


Overheard in the Italian Restaurant:

Waiter: "Besides English, which I have been learning for a year, I speak fluent Italian and Greek, but actually I'm originally from Albania. What I can't understand is that I have two jobs, work all the hours God sends, and yet there are all these English people who have no job and do nothing but live on benefits. Why do you English allow it?"

Russian Roulette

I see the Russian football authorities have denied there were any racist chants at a recent Man City match against CSKA Moscow.

I wonder when the Russians will bring embezzlement charges against the entire City team?

On another 'tack', while I've heard of cow-punching, I believe horse boxing is to become a local sport in Newcastle.

Fast Spin, Please

Like my new recycled fire-pit for the patio? Just 'drum' up some kindling and a few logs and away we go! Toasty warm evenings (well, above eco-wash temperatures) on the patio with a glass of something red in my paw.

The logs have to go on 'pre-wash', of course.

There's No Place Like Roma in the Pink Art League

My mum always told me I'd been nicked by gypsies as a baby, but they returned me once they found out what I was like.

I've been listening to Grayson Perry's Reith Lectures on Radio 4. For all his cross dressing he makes eminent sense when talking about art. I have a new-found respect for the bloke.

I was listening to Oz Pink Floyd on YouTube last night at full belt (Hay is away on a training course in Maidenhead) and No.1 Son came out from his bedroom and asked me to turn down the volume. Kids just don't understand adults....

Rugby League World Cup!? Is rugby league really rugby?

The Great Clothing Plague of 1978

Was watching an advert for Dettol's new product - Antibacterial Laundry Cleanser. It's a liquid you add to your laundry to kill bacteria on your clothing.

Does anyone remember the great clothing bacterial plague of 1978? Millions died from bacteria on their clothing - hardly a family was spared. People simply underestimate the risk of being poisoned by their clothes.... Not.

Talk about inventing a product for a problem that doesn't exist, except in hospitals. If people are frightened of bacteria, they need to analyse their kitchen chopping boards, mattresses, hairbrushes, toothbrushes and hands, not their clothes - alarmist nonsense.

Brixton Briefcase

Was looking at some mobile phones with No. 1 Son at the weekend.

I thought my Galaxy Note 2 was just about at the upper limit of size, but there was one on display that was even larger. It won't be long before we have laptops turned into mobile phones.

South Sea Bubble

Royal Mail share prices were set by some people who know a thing or two about the money markets. The shares were set at £3.30. 

Fuelled by the greed of a public that is almost totally illiterate about corporate valuations (and remembers the last public sector float), the shares reached £5.03 on Friday. This is despite the fact Royal Mail staff seem to have been programmed to self destruct by their antediluvian union bosses - a warning, if ever I saw one. 

Pundits are claiming the shares were under-valued, citing the massive rise in prices. However, that depends on what you're trying to achieve; a realistic valuation, or a South Sea Bubble, which I fear is where this float is headed.

In the Dog House

Hay: "It's strange how dogs can put up with being put in kennels, but it stresses cats."

Chairman: "That's probably because of all the dogs."

Retro Driving

While driving in Denmark last week, I noticed a car behind me with the old-fashioned yellow headlights.

Do you remember the days when if you took your car to the continent you had to paint that yellow stuff on your headlights? Not only that, but if I remember correctly, you also had to put some clip-on diffractor thingies on them so they dipped in the other direction.

Theakston's Brighouse

Spotted this being sold (or rather, given away) at the exhibition yesterday, and very tasty it was too.

Is it a Danish variant of Theakstons Brighouse beer from Danish West Yorkshire (part of the Danelaw that was)?

Travelling back to Blighty tonight with 40 minutes to change terminals at Copenhagen to make my connection to LHR, having to renegotiate airport security in the process. Not very hopeful of making it, but SAS sell it as a ticket, so you'd think it should be feasible.

Automatic Danish Sardine Mediation

Am I right in hearing that the Pakistan Taliban is offering to mediate between the US Democrats and Republicans over the budget?

After a day at this exhibition I'm rather worried about the state of Danish people's feet. They seem to have a penchant for rather poor footwear, mainly comprising trainers or some equally heinous shoe facsimile. The whole nation must suffer from fallen arches. I'm starting to sound like my mother.

Spotted a Chinese guy yesterday who I saw board the flight to Aalborg from Copenhagen. He was sporting a blazer emblazoned with a badge saying; "Mega Sardines." His iPhone was also covered in Mega Sardines stickers. That's dedication for you, well, either that or a very misplaced sense of what comprises sartorial elegance.

A Ford car that takes control of the steering wheel when it detects the risk of a collision is being tested at a research facility in Germany. Given how people illogically seem to prefer "feeling more in control" of a manual car than an automatic, I can't see that ever taking off with the majority of the idiots on the road...

The Battle of Jutland

Am currently in Aalborg for the week at that well-known, international event, the DanFish Exhibition, where I'm showcasing our latest product with one of my distributors.

Due to this being somewhat of a last minute thing, all the hotels in Aalborg are stacked to the rafters with Danish fishermen, so I had to book somewhere out in the sticks and 30km from the city in a place called Dronninglund, near the tip of the Jutland peninsula (ended up with a manual hire car, but that's another story - why in the 21st century to car makers still manufacture the quill pen equivalent of cars? Moreover, why do drivers insist they have more control in a manual car, when that's patently false - you try emailing people when having to contend with a gearstick, especially when driving on the wrong side of the road - nightmare!).

The hotel is a wonderful old building having has a history going back to the 12th century (according to the booklet), but looks more like an 18th century royal hunting lodge in the chocolate-box, Munchausen style.

First class dinner last night in a dining room stuffed with hunting trophies (I had to listen to the waiter explaining all the dishes in minute detail, meaning the food was a tad tepid by the time I tucked in), but I returned to my room to discover breakfast is served from 8am, whereas I have to leave at 7am to stand any chance of getting parking at the exhibition.

I also discovered at 6am this morning that the water doesn't get heated till I guess around 7am, so it was a cold shower with a sliver of soap.

The shower is of the semi-wet-room style, and I have yet to find a wet-room shower that works as intended. Bloody water everywhere! It took 2 towels and a mat to mop up the water from where it shouldn't be. Must cost them a fortune in laundry.

Not looking forward to coming back on Friday evening - I was sold a ticket that leaves me 40 minutes to connect with the flight to Heathrow at Copenhagen, where I have to change terminals and renegotiate airport security, which will be at least 30 minutes. Given SAS sell the ticket as such, I guess it must be feasible.

Education of Society

An ethnic minority Tory party candidate has said that the make-up of the Tory party needs to reflect society. A bit naive, if you ask me; the Tory party, or indeed any party, can only reflect the make-up of its members - that's what democracy is about.

Religious Education or Maths - mmmm, not a difficult decision to make.

The Colour Purple

Apparently Cadbury, now owned by the American plastic cheese outfit Kraft, has filed for a trade mark on the purple colour they use on their chocolate bars.

When the application failed, Cadbury said; "Our colour purple has been linked with Cadbury for a century and the British public has grown up understanding its link with our chocolate."

I've always associated purple with ginger people, not chocolate.

Mourning the Lowest Common Denominator

In these days of gladiatorial, prurient, car crash TV, I think I've found the perfect name for a TV program; "Scenes You May Find Upsetting - But Rather Stimulating". Ace crowd puller! As addictive as Colombian marching powder, or Big Brother.

Does anyone know what you're meant to do on a Day of National Mourning? The more unstable countries seem to declare them at the drop of a hat, but are they national holidays, or what?