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Religion is Official

Malaysia has confirmed it will not change its official state religion from Islam.

What the hell is the purpose of a state religion?

If its purpose is to form the basis for a country’s justice system, isn’t it about time that the notion of justice was severed from a belief in a particular sky god whose existence in unproven at best? Justice should be general, not particular.

Having said that, our interpretation of what constitutes justice seems to be diverging from the notion of what is ethical, as evidenced by those MPs who stole from us through fraudulent expense claims not having apparently done anything illegal (indeed, one has just admitted to a ‘mistake’ in parliament, rather than a fraud – a bit ironic when his name is Laws. His so-called ‘punishment’ is a week’s holiday).

It’s also evidenced by the hand-wringing over whether the invasion of Iraq was legal or illegal, or indeed whether it was legal or illegal to shoot bin Laden. No-one seems to be giving any attention as to whether either of these events was ethically justified, for law, as we all know, is in the pay of the powerful and in many instances, sir, an ass (along with some of its practitioners).


Network Rail Sets Positive Precedent for Criminals

Talking of which, Network rail has been fined £3m for the Potters Bar rail crash, which happened nearly 10 years ago.

At that rate, I could climb into my car today, mow down an entire bus queue and then go merrily about my business while it took the British legal system 10 years to get my case to court.

I’d also get away with a small fine (which I’ll add on to my salary) and no jail sentence.

Flowing the ruling, Network Rail said it was "truly sorry". An organisation cannot be sorry – it’s not bloody well sentient! Only people can say sorry, and those people responsible should be locked up as a public menace, never to be in charge of the safety of anything ever again.


Irish Determined Never to Host Eurovision Again

Ireland has safely continued its plan to never again host another Eurovision Song Contest by selecting Jedward as its entry for this year’s contest.


BA Staff Desperate For Something Else to Moan About

BA cabin staff, who appear myopically determined to destroy their company and their jobs, have apparently agreed a revised offer by BA. It’s probably no more than another 1p on their salary, which, given that the combined intellectual might of Unite and the BA cabin staff is the same as that of a 3 day old chimp, has probably escaped their attention.

For some inexplicable reason, BA seemed quite confident that the cabin staff would accept the revised offer when it was made. It is Chairman Bill’s firm opinion that Unite will eventually come back with some other spurious complaint, like cabin staff needing free toilet paper, just so they can drag the dispute out by another decade and justify their hideously overinflated salaries.


Little & Large

Is it not a tad disingenuous for the Tory party to favour, on the one hand, small government (through their Big Society initiative), and on the other hand to favour their pals in big business (who are their paymasters)?

To be consistent they should favour small government and small business, or big government and big business. To do otherwise is crass hypocrisy and an intellectual fraud on par with claiming AV is complex.

Aged Pockets of Power Language

The Age of Education

People with fewer qualifications are prone to age more quickly, a study which looked at 400 men and women says.

I suspect this has more to do with the fact that people who are less well educated simply can’t subtract their date of birth from the current date and always get it wrong, invariably ending up adding 20 odd years to their real age.


Pocket Rage

I’m certain that pockets in trousers are now being designed by people with low-functioning autism - or women - as it’s obvious that whoever designs them doesn’t have the vaguest concept of their purpose.

Pockets are mystical objects meant to contain men’s jangly bits – and by that I mean keys, coins, pens, wallets, cigarettes, lighters, mobile phones, contraceptives, knuckle dusters, etc – all the usual pack-pony stuff. They are not, repeat NOT meant to simultaneously deposit all these items on your car seat or settee within a nanosecond of sitting down.

It’s not even as if you can easily pick the jangly bits up again – the items are inexplicably attracted by the strong nuclear force to the event horizon of the gap between the car seat and transmission tunnel, or the hyperspatial, abyssal, spring-loaded folds of the back of the settee, from whence they are doomed never to be retrieved - except possibly by a small child belonging to a chimney sweep and capable of dimensional translocation through spacetime using nothing but the power of thought.

Women don’t use pockets and thus seem to think them merely decorative – bloody idiots! Pockets should be designed by 85 year-old men; deep, voluminous and only attached to the trouser at the very top so as to allow maximum torsion and hence retention when sitting.


Pointless Language

Don’t you find that all this spurious language used in American-style coffee shops is totally fatuous and pointless? I spend half my time asking if anyone can translate.

Coffee comes as either black or white, possibly with froth on top or as an espresso. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it can come as large or small, not the myriad sizes offered, none of which you can understand anyway.

Also, when you hear them spouting about the way they aid the local community and use only sustainably mined, Fairtrade polystyrene in their cups, do you just want to tell them to just SHUT IT! as you know it's a cynical marketing ploy.


Power

Doctors are worried about the increasing number of ‘legal highs’ available, the most dangerous of which is one called Power and is used predominantly by members of governments.

Power gives members of governments such a tremendous high that they seem to think they can do anything whatsoever without fear of repurcussions.

Educating Kate

Royal Honeymoon Destination Revealed

After having spotted a heavily disguised Duke and Duchess, Chairman Bill can reveal that the honeymoon destination of William and Kate is indeed – as long expected - Old Sodbury.

Bill swears he saw a woman resembling Kate rummaging through the racks in the St Peter’s Hospice charity shop on the High Street, while William was seen downing a pint of Old Bob in the George.

The couple gave Chairman Bill £1 for a copy of the Big Issue as they wandered past the local Spar shop.

The glare of the media spotlight will now focus on Old Sodbury with this royal scoop. Paparazzi have already been seen cruising along Horse Street (OK, it was a lone Japanese tourist, but more are sure to follow).

Bill will be setting up a stall on the High Street selling high quality figurines of the royal couple, lovingly hand crafted from local organic cow dung and sun-baked. These will also be available by mail-order – Royal Mail, of course.


Education a Bit Rich?

On a more serious note.

On the one hand it has been proposed by Two Brains Willetts that rich parents could buy their kids place at university, with the quid pro quo being that the revenue so gathered would fund more places for kids from poorer families.

Despite the initial knee-jerk reactions from the left (and it being immediately pulled by Cameron), this is all very laudable – a kind of Robin Hood policy. After all, it happens in health, as all private doctors have to devote a proportion of their time to the NHS.

However, on the other hand we would end up with the job market contaminated by graduates who had flunked the path of academic merit at 18, competing for jobs with probably more deserving graduates who got there through their own efforts. That is eminently not fair.

Hot Air's Financial Hypocrisy

Shock News from British Gas

British Gas has announced, contrary to all expectations, that it may have to increase gas prices, although it must be remembered that ‘may’ means ‘will’ in utility-speak.

This time it’s believed to be due to someone issuing a super injunction, or is it because of the dry April or possibly due to the number of daylight hours? More likely because they bloody well can, and there’s nothing we can damned well do about it – so there!

Chairman Bill believes it is now cheaper to warm your house by burning wads of £5 notes.


Banks Give In

That other bunch of rapacious bastards, the banks, have given up pretending they didn’t mis-sell Payment Protection Insurance – you know, that insurance that isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on, because of the small print that absolves the buggers from having to pay out a penny in the unlikely event the claim is lodged on a day with a ‘y’ in it.


Union Boss Made of Teflon

With the announcement from the Tory think-tank ‘Policy Exchange’ that pay for public sector jobs is up to 30% higher than the equivalent jobs in the private sector, Brendan Barber, head of the Trade Union Congress, has accused the think-tank of 'stirring up divisions'.

However, when the boot is on the other foot and public sector pay is lower, the TUC is up in arms and threatening strike action all over the place.

The words ‘double’ and ‘standards’ come to mind, as well as ‘bloody hypocrite’. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, as they say.

Back to the Grindstone

Chairman Bill's posts will become a bit irregular from the 16th May, as from that date he will be once more fully employed.

They do say that the average time between redundancy and securing another position is around six months; well that's just about spot on this time.

They also say that when you get to the Chairman's age and lose your job, the only way is down. The Chairman is glad to report that he has bucked the trend, having secured a better position than his previous one, as well as being much better paid.

The Chairman's recent trip to the Middle East was a resounding success - although his daily commute will be quite tough.

It's an ill wind.....etc.

Innumerate Bins

Innumerate Electorate

Well, the propaganda of the No campaign has won the day – either that or the electorate is more stupid, as a whole, than I previously thought possible. Probably the latter.

How anyone can argue that a voting system used in every popularity contest on TV is inherently unfair is beyond me. How anyone can think it difficult and complex to number preferences illustrates the general lack of intelligence of the populace. I suppose asking the electorate to count beyond 2 is asking a bit too much though.

Or is it, once more, just a fear of change, despite the change manifestly being for the better?

I would ask anyone who voted No to explain their reasoning and logic – if they can!


Osama bin Laden

We all knew it wouldn’t be long before they started. Here are just three that graced the Chairman's inbox in the last few days:

Photo of the proof of bin Laden’s death.

Puts a whole new meaning on the phrase, ‘to take out the bins’.

“Bartender, I'll have a Bin Laden."
"What's that?"
"Two shots and a splash of water.”

FPTP For X-Factor

If, as predicted, FPTP stays and the electorate (mistakenly) decides it to be a fairer system, Chairman Bill demands that X-Factor, and all similar popularity shows, move from an AV-type system to a single programme with just one FPTP round of voting.

This will have the combined effect of the voting being (mistakenly) more fair, and allowing more airtime for some cerebrally stimulating TV.

The reason X-factor, and similar programmes, use a variant of AV is that the makers know (scientifically) that using AV will result in the most popular act winning, with consequent increased record sales, and profits, over a single round contest. What more proof of the benefits of AV is needed?

Having spotted yesterday that the Daily Mail was supporting FPTP, Chairman Bill is amazed that anyone, except perhaps a Daily Mail reader, would vote for FPTP. Bill thinks he shall have to start calling those who supported FPTP 'Daily Mail agreeers' (agreeers being one of the few words in the English language with 3 consecutive Es).

Absent Combat Bins

Combat

Hayley bought me a pair of ‘fashionable’ trousers, which look like combats, but if worn by soldiers would result in them leaving a trail of kit behind them.

The pockets are totally inadequate, being made of various Velcro flaps, poppers and plastic zips which come apart at the most inopportune moments and are incapable of holding anything; my mobile, wallet, change and keys keep falling out.

They have a button fly – the type found on 501 jeans. Personally I detest button flies as they are a pain when you want a pee and you invariably end up dribbling all over your leg.

If that isn’t bad enough, the waistband is held together, not by a button, but by a popper of all things. Undo the buttons to have a pee and the popper can’t help but come undone too, resulting in said trousers falling to my feet in the gents’ urinals.

Hayley said they are a nod to combats – more like a nod to ill conceived design.


Bin Laden

Rumour has it that Bin Laden was identified when seen waving his union flag while watching the royal wedding on Sky in a pub in Islamabad.

Can’t help feeling that, just as al Qaeda is becoming irrelevant in the middle east, the Yanks killing him is going to turn him into a recruitment poster-boy. Martyrs have this effect.

In my humble opinion, the strategy should have been for the Americans to bide their time and effect a kill from inside the organisation when the time was right, thus promoting the idea that no-one is safe, even from their own. Much greater psychological impact!

Strange his body was not put on display. Perhaps he’s still alive and this is a ruse to smoke him out. And on the 3rd day……

Whether he goes down in history as an evil genius or an heroic resistance fighter is solely a matter of perspective (and who writes the history). There are two sides to every story, depending on where you stand. To the resistance fighter and guerrilla, civilians are legitimate targets as they vote in the governments whose actions are being resisted. The electorate must therefore be held responsible for the governments they vote into power and cannot be immune from the consequences of their actions.


Absence

Chairman Bill will be absent for a couple of days – he’s going out of the country (somewhere in the middle east) for a job interview and hopes to return with a new position - and no, it’s not leader of al Qaeda.

Wedding Analysis II - The Photos

Now the photos are in the public domain, here are a few more observations.

Kate’s brother (allegedly). Has anyone checked to see whether he’s actually one of Gaddafi’s sons? Does he have a British birth certificate? Looks Libyan to me.


Why is it that Michael Jackson got it in the neck for swinging a kid from a balcony, whereas Prince Charles can seem to get away with it.


Harry & Pippa to become an item? Duchess or banker’s wife – banker’s wife or duchess? Mmmm – a difficult decision.


I don’t think Rose McGowan should have turned up at the Abbey in THAT dress.


Late News

US special forces have found and killed Bin Laden.

Had the US asked for the assistance of the UK tax authorities, Bin Laden would have been found years ago.

Turbo Monarchy

Vive La Republique

Basically I am a republican, as I believe in meritocracy. However, I can see the benefits of having a monarchy – so long as the monarch is a good monarch – like Mrs Queen.

A presidency is sterile, grey and dull, dull, dull. Beside the presidents of the USA and Russia, I cannot name a single president who is not also a dictator. I’m sure there are some, but their names do not immediately spring to mind – they are grey and invisible and changed at the drop of a hat.

A monarchy, on the other hand, is colourful, filled with pageantry and has a sprinkle of magic. Additionally, once you know who a country’s monarch is, the principle of heredity ensures you will always know who they are - until either you or they die.

Getting down to filthy lucre, the British monarchy is the best marketing tool the UK could have. No president could possibly market UK Plc better. 2 billion people all over the world watched the royal wedding – what better advert for a holiday in the UK? And all that international advertising was free.

Head says republic, heart says monarchy. The time to fix the monarchy, and perhaps replace it with a president, is when monarchy no longer appears to be working. It has come close to it a few times, but it’s been rescued once more by this weekend.


Turbine vs Windmill

I was listening to a debate on wind power and one of the usual arguments against turbines is that they are ugly.

Wind turbines perform the same function as windmills – the generation of power from the elements. I wonder whether the populace was up in arms when windmills first started sprouting all over the country, with local do-gooders complaining about the industrialisation of the landscape.

The real reason people don’t like wind turbines, or new buildings, is that they don’t like change. The familiar breeds calm, whereas the new breeds suspicion and hostility.

No-one will deny that a windmill in a countryside setting is quintessentially rural – but at one time it obviously wasn’t.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.