Digital Viagra

Went up to Nottingham for a business meeting yesterday and spotted this.

Perhaps they provide assistance with aerial sex.

Gadaffi Compound Gap Year

Apparently Gadaffi has been awarded the Edinburgh Festival Comedy Award for his broadcasts.

Did you see the images from Gadaffi's beach house? Gucci, Armani, Dior, Chanel - the sartorial choice of dictators....

Gadaffi's Compound - it sounds like a medication, doesn't it? Perhaps he can get a job selling it; after all, there aren't many opportunities for unemployed dictators.

A lot of A level students are not able to get on to the course they desire - poor dears. Oxford and Cambridge are known, however, for only wanting the best minds and not someone with A*s in drama, critical thinking and general studies.

Given the foregoing, many of them are choosing to engage in what is called the 'gap year', or what we experts call a parentally-funded, self-indulgent spending spree, before trying again in 12 months time in the forlorn hope that the numbers of competing applicants will have reduced to zero.

I have another proposal; increase the gap year to two years and call it National Service, like they do in Israel (although in their case it's 3 years for men and 2 for women), and make it mandatory for all school leavers. However, the thought of some of our youth with a gun in their hands chills me to the bone.

They Seek Him Here, They Seek Him There

They can't find Gaddafi or his family.

Hardly surprising really - it's the last week of August with a Bank Holiday on Monday. He's obviously on vacation.

Shovelling Loot by Trained Association in a Clouded Mind

Got it sussed - eventually. It took me a while, but I think I have the ideal solution to the riots now.

If we provide free class A drugs (and possibly free trainers too) to all the rioters and looters, they'll be too drugged up to do any more damage. In fact, they might even be too doped up to reproduce, which would prevent anything similar happening for a few generations by breaking a vicious circle.

Having holidayed in the Isles of Scilly, and being a naval man myself, I have become interested in the maritime history of the archipelago, especially the wrecks. I was reading a story about the shipwreck of British naval hero, Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell. They just don't make names like that anymore!

"Anymore" - now there's a word to conjure up an argument among English speakers. Is it 'anymore', or 'any more'? You decide.

Percentages

I was listening to Any Questions on Radio 4 when driving back from Penzance on Saturday and was astounded to hear one of the panellists say (and I paraphrase); “It’s not right that someone on £200k a year should pay the same amount of tax as someone on £20k a year.” Another said’ “Those on higher salaries should be made to pay more in tax, because they earn more.”

Obviously these university educated people are unfamiliar with the concept of what we experts call ‘percentages’ and their impact on what one actually pays in terms of tax.

Now for some Scilly restaurant reviews; I shall start with St Agnes - in fact I'll finish with St Agnes too.

High Tide: unpretentious place with some 18 covers that serves food which can only be described as fine dining. It doubles as a café during the day and Mike, the NZ chef, takes over for six nights a week in the summer. Small menu of 3 starters, 3 mains and 3 desserts – all wonderful. Two x 3 course meals with two bottles of wine, coffees and liqueurs came to just over £100 with the tip.

Covean Cottage: a B&B that serves delicious breakfasts and lunches. Once every blue moon the owner holds a themed dining evening for invited guests. As Hay had stayed there previously and we were staying next door, we were invited to what was a Russian dining experience – and delicious it was too. £65 for the two of us (including a large tip) for 3 courses – bring your own wine.

The Turk’s Head: typical Cornish pub (and the only one on the island). A medium sized menu with some real treasures – like the duck leg and the excellent mushroom risotto. Good value for money at anywhere between £40 and £70 for a full meal with booze. The landlady was a bit miffed by my electronic cigarette, for no rational reason other than being an ex-smoker (which ain’t at all rational).

Right - back to work, summer's over for another year.

St Mary - the Verdict

The final island review is that of St Mary - the main island - being the point of arrival and departure.

St Mary is not my cup of tea - a bit like Rawtenstall made into an island. Full of day-tripping, meaty-armed ladies in floral print skirts munching on ice creams and accompanied by long-suffering, hen-pecked husbands. Too commercialised by far and tainted by the mainland - looks like St Ives must have looked 50 years ago.

I'm sure there are some nice parts of St Mary, but if your first experience of the Scillies is St Mary, then I doubt you'll ever come back.

The photo below is of St Agnes in rush-hour.

Homeward Bound

Coming home today. Want to stay another week.

The Most Dangerous of the Species

The birds on the Isles of Scilly are incredibly tame and will practically feed from one's hand.

Watching them, it struck me that whereas in most of nature the larger the animal the more danger it represents, with humans it's exactly the opposite and birds understand that the greatest danger comes from kids.

The verdict on Bryher is positive. Thus far I'd be more than willing to return and stay on the islands of St Agnes, St Martin and Bryher. Tresco is too much like an up-market Centre Parcs andhu St Mary looks hideously grim from a distance, bit confirmation of that will be made tomorrow.

None of the islands we've visited has a permanent population greater than 80, and the beaches are deserted, even at the height of the season.

If you must have access to broadband, then the hotels on Tresco, St Martin and Bryher all have free Wi-Fi. However GSM reception on all the islands is patchy as it is supplied by the one mast on St Mary.

Yesterday I saw my first tribal football strip in 5 days. I had thought we'd managed to escape all that, but I suppose it gets everywhere eventually.

Investigative Journalism

The islanders suspect that the recent thieving is attributable to some mainlander contractors working on building a school on St Mary. Tyres were slashed on a car one evening too. The locals are in deep shock as nothing like this has happened before - foreigners and their strange city ways!

So far we've done St Agnes, Tresco and St Martin. Tresco is the worst, being a time-share nightmare, but the other two are fantastic. Doing Brhyer today.

I wanted to buy Hay a Fay Page fishy necklace yesterday, but I didn't have enough cash (the islands operate on a cash economy), but the lady allowed us to take the necklace away with a £10 deposit and a promise to transfer the remaining money when we get home. Now that is trust, something lacking on the mainland.

Saw the film critic, Mark Kermode and family, on the boat to St Martin's yesterday (see below). I can tell you that he must black up his hair for TV appearances. Hay joked he was off to do an interview with Jude Law, who apparently is a regular there. A quick inspection of the hotel's dinner reservation list confirmed it. Who needs to hack phones when The Chairman is on the case? Hay thinks I should become a pap.

Communal Community

Looking at the images of the recent riots, it struck me that the standard issue police riot shield has not changed in 4,000 years. However, the police seem to be missing one important element that made the Greek hopelite's phalanx invincible when being charged; a 10 or 12 foot spear.

Rather than coming out with various theories as to why youngsters rioted the other week, perhaps the rioters themselves should be asked as to what drove them to cast aside the wafer-thin veneer of civilization and go feral.

I'm sure most of them have no clue either, but I'm of the opinion a trained psychologist can get to the root cause for most, for what the heart is full of, the man will do.

As to punishment, to quote from a book I'm reading on Marcus Aurelius' Meditations; "The offender needs pity, not wrath; those who must needs corrected should be treated with tact and gentleness. The best kind of revenge is, not to become like unto them."

However, that said, several mobile phones and a collection box on the nearby island of Bryher were raided by some scally on Saturday evening. The local radio station said that if proven to be a local, the chances of the perpetrater reaching police custody would be zero. Perhaps, in a similar vein, the legal system should be left to determine guilt, but the sentence be determined and delivered by the affected local community. That would surely put the fear of God into many crims.

Here's an example of community housing.in St Agnes. If only more authorities were as enlightened as the Duchy of Cornwall - and St Agnes has a population of only 80!

(By the way, I'm unable to respond to comments as my email has gone squonk and I can't even see them.)