The Farage Cargo Cult

A few weeks ago, I created some perfectly reasonable questions aimed at Farage supporters. I've since been posting them on Facebook – the questions being the sort that probe whether those extolling the virtues of Farage have actually read his manifesto, or merely absorbed it osmotically through the fumes of Greggs pasties and GB News. Actually, I lie, I post it whenever I see some garbage about Reform Ltd. I wasn’t expecting the Magna Carta in reply, but my God, what I get is an education in the sheer density of political stupidity.

I present here, for your amusement and despair, the finest utterances flung at me by the keyboard crusaders of Reform UK - I've saved up some of the better ones. Think of it as a group therapy session for those afflicted by Nigel-induced cranial fog.

Let’s begin with the classics. “We didn’t vote for a deal – just to leave.” That’s it. That’s the statement. Nothing else. No plan, no direction, just a sort of patriotic flounce. Apparently, all modern governance should now be conducted like storming out of a dinner party without your coat.

Then came this corker: “I don’t care about the economy – freedom is priceless.” Yes, well so is chemotherapy, Brenda, but we still need a functioning health service to provide it. Freedom to what, exactly? Queue longer, earn less, and wave at your EU work rights as they disappear into the Channel?

A favourite: “Brexit’s not the problem – we just haven’t done it properly.” This one’s a cult chant. It doesn’t matter how many supply chains collapse or industries atrophy – it’s not real Brexit unless it’s imagined in 4K by someone who’s never read a trade agreement. When I ask how it could have been done better, they go silent, or mutter something about the ECHR, as if leaving it will produce 4-5% of GDP. I do point out to them that Farage has remained stoically silent on the matter, so there's nothing their guru has said that can guide them.

Then there was the one who solemnly informed me, “The EU was punishing us – that proves we were right to leave.” By that logic, if I punch a nightclub bouncer and get thrown out, it’s his fault and my drunken assault becomes an act of heroism.

“Farage is the only one telling the truth – everyone else is bought.” A sentence that would be worrying if it weren’t so childishly sincere. They believe Nigel’s a beacon of integrity because he says things angrily and owns a blazer. Evidence? None. Just vibes and a Union Jack Facebook filter.

And who could forget the flag-shaggers’ favourite: “We should go back to imperial measurements – it’s our heritage.” Yes, because nothing signals 21st-century relevance like measuring things in firkins and fathoms. Meanwhile, the rest of the world looks on, baffled, as we try to sell jam in units last used by the Victorians.

“Don’t worry,” they assured me, “we’ll trade with the Commonwealth instead.” Of course we will, love. Just a 9,000-mile hop to sell bacon to New Zealanders who already make it better and cheaper.

When I pointed out net migration is now higher than it ever was under the EU, I was met with: “That’s only because of the boats. Stop them and it’ll be fine.” It’s always the boats. Never the visas, or the points-based system, or Sunak handing out work permits like party favours. No, it’s the little rubber dinghies doing all the damage.

Someone even said – without irony – “Reform will cut taxes and increase spending. It’ll work if we stop wasting money on foreigners.” We’re apparently living in a magical parallel universe where economics is driven entirely by spite and fairy dust. The numbers don’t add up, but neither does the spelling.

And this gem: “We don’t know what Farage would do – he’s not in power yet.” You heard it here first: total ignorance is now a campaign strategy. Elect him first, then hope he reveals his plan like some sort of fascist advent calendar.

The Trump connection came too: “Brexit meant we got lower tariffs – Trump only slapped 10% on us, not 20% like the EU.” Aside from being factually bollocks, they failed to notice that Trump’s tariffs are temporary, theateric tantrums until inflation hits the US (as it will), whereas Brexit has locked us into permanent ones – like swapping a hangover for liver disease.

Then they began throwing around the word “traitor” like confetti: “Labour are globalist traitors – at least Farage cares about Britain.” Yes, he cares deeply. So much so that he wants to deregulate your water supply, flog off the NHS to the Americans, privatise the state pension and let chlorinated chicken strut across your Sunday roast while stiffing our farmers, who he professes to support. Providing them with proof of his utterances doesn't deter them.

And finally – the cherry atop this steaming cake of nonsense – “I didn’t vote for this.” No, of course you didn’t. You voted for “control” and got chaos. You voted for nostalgia and got non-tariff barriers. You voted for blue passports and got a red face in passport control queues.

So there you have it: a greatest hits album of Farageist Facebookery, all levelled at me for daring to ask what the man actually stands for and pointing out the logical consequences of certain manifesto commitments It’s not politics anymore – it’s cargo cult populism. Say the right words, blame the right scapegoats, and wait for the sovereignty fairy to fix your gas bill.

I would laugh, but I’ve seen their polling numbers.

It's noteworthy that, to date, none have responded to anything beyond the first few questions, which were all under the heading of Brexit. That's what really annoys them - oh, and the boats. They're quite prepared to torch the economy and public services so long as they don't have to look at a brown face. However, call then racist and they become very uppity. I was even told to go back to the Netherlands on the basis of my surname. By that logic, Farage should decamp to France.