Thursday 19/02/09

Today’s blog is a tribute to a good friend of mine – a friend I have never met personally, but with whom I share a number of backgrounds; we went to the same school (albeit 7 or so years apart) and both spent a significant period of our lives at sea.

Richard, with whom I first came into contact through a Yahoo e-Group I set up in 2001 for my old school’s Old Boys, occasionally posts on my Blog under the nom-de-guerre of The Irascible Fairy. He has just been told by his oncologist that he is unlikely to celebrate Christmas this year.

Richard was diagnosed with liver cancer in mid 2006. At the time he was scraping a living as a humble ship’s Master on oil rig support vessels in the North Sea; most of us Conway Old Boys ended up with a seagoing career, as defrocked ministers of religion or as habitual criminals. Occasionally one or two would become a World Cup winning England rugby team manager, or an MP (the latter occupation fitting into the habitual criminal category). Ships’ Masters are considered only slightly higher in the social scale than prostitutes and pimps when it comes to the international courts, where they are regularly tried for deliberately dumping oil into the oceans, barging into and destroying obstacles (such as bridges and jetties) or smuggling illicit substances under the noses of the excise men.

Richard understandably decided to retire on medical grounds and make the best of the time remaining to him. He started to live life in the fast lane, partaking of past-times such as high-impact flower arranging, competitive dog walking, combat cake decorating, investigative genealogy, etc. to while away his remaining time. He entered into a civil partnership with his long-term partner, Gavin, and has been subjecting himself to chemo and various other hideous therapies in an effort to squeeze a bit more life from his tortured body. A firm believer in the simple, yet classic bald look favoured by gay men and Eastern European thugs, the chemo had no effect whatsoever on his hairstyle.

When Richard joined the e-Group I had set up, no-one among the 300 odd members (none of which are under 50), was aware he was ‘that way inclined’, as it were, so to speak, to coin a phrase, not to beat about the bush. He eventually ‘came out’ on the e-Group (having already been out for a long time in real life) and managed to get 300 odd bigoted old farts to reassess the way they viewed homosexuality. He basically achieved it by being himself - which led to respect and friendship - so that once he announced his sexuality, anyone who had a problem with it had to also question the respect and friendship that had been built up – which is very hard for anyone to do as you have to question your own judgement. What he showed the homophobes was that gay people are not outrageous caricatures or perverted monsters, but ordinary people like you and I. He then engaged people in debate about homosexuality – not in an in-your-face crusading way, but politely rebutting misconceptions when they arose.

He didn’t succeed in enlightening all of them, but a goodly number now have a more reasoned outlook on personal sexuality thanks to Richard’s efforts at re-educating them. Those few who still remain bigoted at least have a healthy respect for Richard, even if they can now justify their bigotry only through religious dogma and not rational, logical argument.

Some produced the ridiculous clap-trap fallacy you invariably hear being farted from the arses of the religiously blind, namely ‘loving the sinner but hating the sin’. That’s like saying I love you as a person, but hate you for being black, female, or blue-eyed - as if being gay is something you choose after seeing all the available alternatives and not something that’s inherently part of your make-up. I dare say that a small number of the more right-wing suspected that Richard’s cancer was a punishment from God. Richard, needless to say, is atheist – at least he’s holding out and keeping the faith for the present. I keep telling him he should write a blog about his experience of cancer, but he declines.

Here’s to you Richard - let’s hope you see the New Year in, and some beyond!

Richard sent me this link yesterday, which is well worth a read.

So, if you were told tomorrow that you had terminal cancer and had a couple of years left, what would you like to achieve in that time?