Chairman-Leaks

WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, has been arrested on a trumped up charge of wilfully impersonating an armchair, raping a bar stool and making inappropriate sexual advances to a stoat. He is expected to have accidentally committed suicide by 5:15 on Friday by throwing himself beneath a passing train in the cells under the City of Westminster Magistrates' Court.

What I can’t understand is why the ubiquitous Shami Chakrabati of Liberty isn’t jumping up and down in protest over his arrest – she’s more than happy to have a go at the UK government for the slightest legal encroachment on the people’s right to eat fish and chips on a Sunday, wear pointy shoes in public places or be a Brazilian student. I can’t find a single Google reference to her uttering anything whatsoever on the issue, nor anything on the Liberty website. It’s probably because Assange isn’t an ethnic minority.

I’m now going to create a bit of a stir:

• Centre Parcs – Longleat
• Robert Dyas – Bishopsgate, London
• Barclay’s Bank – Yate
• Tesco – Easton, Bristol
• Londis – Pucklechurch
• M&S - Southport

All of these locations are critical to the UK’s national security, but to avoid putting the lives of our boys in Afghanistan, Iraq and Blackpool at risk I have refrained from giving actual addresses. I am, however, fully expecting my Nectar Points card and Tesco Club Card to be frozen by dark forces in Whitehall and for Theresa May and William Jefferson Hague to hunt me down with an M16 assault rifle, like an Al Qaeda terrorist.

Those paragons of human rights activism and support, China, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Iraq and Iran, each led by enlightened, liberal ideologues, are refusing to attend the presentation of the Nobel Peace Prize (in absentia) to human rights activist, Liu Xiaobo. Reasons given range from ‘too busy torturing’ to ‘too busy establishing an intolerant theocracy’. It is fully expected that the USA, Britain and Sweden will follow suit once they have locked Julian Assange away for good – or assassinated him (which will be blamed on N Korea and used as an excuse to mount an invasion in search of WMD – Weimeraners of Mass Dining).

I was listening on the radio to some guy who had been stuck in the snow in his car on a motorway in Scotland for about 18 hours. He was moaning that the police hadn’t come down the hard shoulder to help rescue people. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that if he and several hundred other drivers are stuck and no-one is actually using the hard shoulder to escape, then the police would have as much of a problem as him. Why is it people seem to think that police cars have some magical ability to go where other vehicles can’t?