Have You Seen My .......

Yesterday Hay and I came up with the most oft-used phrases men use with women. They are as follows:

• Have you seen my (fill in the last word with any noun), and
• Where did you put my (fill in the last word with any noun).
  

Damien Hirst, the enfant terrible of British art was in the news recently for some half-arsed work he ‘created’ involving a conservatory, some garden furniture and a vat of maggots – the kind of stuff I think about in my nightmares. I find that the words ‘enfant terrible’ usually translate into ‘pretty shite at doing what he does’.

Some say he’s a true artist, as he was the first to conceive of the work. No he bloody didn’t, he merely copied it from a Wyevale garden centre; you can go to any local garden centre on a Sunday afternoon in July and see this work of art yourself. Blatant plagiarism!

An ex undercover policeman has offered to give evidence on behalf of the group he had infiltrated, resulting in the collapse of the Crown Prosecution Service’s case against a bunch of climate protesters. Now call me old fashioned, but I didn’t think climate protesters were on the international hit list of terrorist organisations. What a ghastly waste of public money! Furthermore, had the ex policeman been summonsed to give evidence on the part of the defendants, then surely he would have no choice in the matter anyway? I suspect he was a double agent - an eco-warrior who managed to infiltrate the police.

It’s somewhat ironic that while public service jobs are being decimated due to the spending cuts and the private sector is tasked with replacing those jobs, the only jobs I see in the Sunday papers’ appointments supplements are public service jobs.

That Sarah Palin is getting some flak about something or other (I wish).


Off to the London Boat Show today – not to buy a boat, but to see a man from Korea about a job. Have to leave on the 6 o‘clock train to avoid having to take out a small mortgage for the rail fare. I think Hay has synaesthesia; she said my ties was loud. I am wearing my lucky underpants and my lucky interview socks. Pray for me.

By the way, is it true that of you play Whole Lotta Love backwards there’s a hidden message that says ‘Shop at Tesco’s’?