The Wedding - Chairman Bill's Analysis

Palmer-Tomkinson’s striking, electric blue Robin Hood hat (and matching dress) certainly diverted attention from her septum, but bare shoulders were a bit risqué for a wedding. I can say, however, that she knows how to wear a hat – long hair should be worn up.

La Beckham looked like a very heavily made up rabbit caught in headlights and dressed for a funeral; however, an in-depth analysis of who designed her dress was lacking, much to my chagrin. Hubby looked smart and self-confident though, but he was wearing his MBE on the wrong side (it should be worn on the left, not right breast – that’s any K gone for a burton).

Everyone’s favourite scarecrow, Boris Johnson, looked uncharacteristically smart, if somewhat confused by it all. One got the impression he was looking forward to trashing the reception venue with Dave Cameron and other Bullingdon Club members.

Shame about Samantha Cameron – nice girl, but look what she has to put up with. The Queen of Denmark looked as if she’s eaten a few too many Danish pastries, if you ask me. Wasn’t too impressed with the junior Royal Family’s battle buses. Looked more like up-market paddy wagons.

Arch Bish Rowan Atkinson’s red and gold number was quite fetching; you’d almost think he was some kind of religious potentate with that outfit on. You’d never guess he was a comedian. Could have had a shave though – and had a haircut.

I may be mistaken, but it looked to me like Mrs Parker Bowles was recycling an outfit she wears to every event I’ve ever seen her at. And as for Princess Beatrice; who on earth told her that that hat was fashionable – Coco the Clown?

As accurately predicted yesterday, Mrs Queen was indeed wearing a coat and a hat. Kate’s (or should I say the Duchess of Hull’s) dress certainly paid more than a passing homage to Mrs Queen’s wedding dress – and how better to ingratiate yourself with grandmother-in-law? The Chairman's verdict on the dress is - exquisite, a veritable paragon of taste, understated elegance and decorum.

While the happy couple got to choose the hymns, Mrs Queen got her own tune played at the end of the ceremony – good on her! Wills & Kate will surely have the best wedding video in the world. I wonder who the roadie was.

One thing is certain – Kate’s parents will be financially ruined by all the cost. Although I suppose the Middletons could raffle off the dress, and doubtless they did a deal with Hello.

At one point, Hay asked me about the death of Diana and who else was killed in the crash. Told her Dodi died and she then asked where I learned Scouse.

I was kind of hoping there would be a ceremonial burning of a Catholic at the end, but sadly it was not to be.

Fascinators. Now I want to start a debate on these. Personally I’m not in favour of anyone over 18 wearing them, especially if male – they belong on boozy tarts in impossibly high heels, ridiculously short skirts and gratuitously malicious cleavages at Ascot.

Moving Ordeal Added to Disability Snub

Chairman ‘Moved’

Chairman Bill is incredibly moved by the affection shown to him by his adoring public. He just wants to make that clear, despite them all being glued to the TV today.


British Can’t Add Up

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ...
Now add30 .. Add another 1000 . .. Now add 20 ....
Now add another 1000. Now add 10 ... What is the total?

Did you get 5000? I’ll bet most of you did.

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Do it on a calculator and you’ll see.


Disability Benefits Linked to Robust Health

Disability benefits scrutinisers have discovered that the majority of people on disability benefits are actually among the most healthy people in the country.

Chairman Bill therefore proposes that the NHS uses disability benefit as a therapy for those who are in ill health to return them to full fitness.


Snub For Former PMs

The excuse trotted out by Buck House for not inviting Brown and Blair to the wedding is that they are not Knights of the Garter, whereas all of the former PMs at Charles’ wedding to Diana were KGs.

A modicum of research will show that while the wedding was in ’81, Sunny Jim Callaghan was not made a KG till ’87. That’s that argument blown out of the water then.

Seems it’s OK if you are a dictator or thug though.


The Ordeal

Chairman Bill went through The Ordeal yesterday – you know the one – a haircut at a ladies’ hairdresser.

Hayley has always criticised the cut I receive at my normal gents’ barber surgeon, so yesterday I took her along to the local ladies’ emporium so she could tell the hairdresser exactly what was needed.

On arrival the place was empty. I enquired as to whether there was any chance of an immediate appointment for a haircut. The two fat girls on the reception desk took a full five minutes to fit me into an empty schedule before I was sat in a seat.

Another five minutes went by, during which I was proffered two copies of Golf Monthly. Now I couldn’t look more different from a golfer if I tried; I don’t wear pastel coloured jumpers or gingham trousers for a start.

All the while, girls were running around doing bugger all to no-one in particular – as I said, I was the only customer in the place.

I was then taken to have my hair washed, despite me protesting that I wash it every day in the shower – it was tantamount to telling me I was a street dosser and I stank. Not only that, but the girl washed my hair twice, thus ensuring that when dry it would look like a Van Der Graaf generator experiment.

Then she rubbed some gunk into it to make it all greasy again, thus defeating the purpose of washing my hair in the first place.

I was then swathed in towels and voluminous ladies’ things, offered a coffee (which I politely refused) and asked how I want it. I told the hairdresser to speak to Hayley, as she was the boss. Hayley then duly protested that it was my hair and I should call the shots – with me knowing full well that it one snip went awry, then I’d be the one to get it in the neck.

The end result was that instead of paying my usual £10 (including £2 tip), I was charged the exorbitant sum of £20.50.

Next time it’s the barber surgeon for me – a 5 minute wait in a queue with a bunch of baldies requiring nothing more complicated than an all-over No. 1 and no damned-fool questions about where I’m holidaying this year.

Trumping Everest's Sartorial Growth

Prince Harry to Become Double Glazing Salesman

Keen to out do his elder brother’s initiative to ingratiate himself with the hoi polloi by marrying a commoner, Prince Harry has announced his desire to do Everest.

The well known double glazing company maintains it has had no official approach from Buckingham Palace in respect of this, but would obviously welcome Prince Harry into its team and would be prepared to offer Mrs Queen a nice deal on its Dual Turn energy saving windows.

They added that given Prince Harry’s connections, an interview would not be necessary and they would offer him an immediate internship.


Chairman Desperate to Know What Kate Will be Wearing

Along with many millions of men around the country, Chairman Bill will be eagerly watching to see what Kate Middleton will be wearing on her wedding day.

Bill suspects it will be a hideous, big, white, frothy, meringue thing in some unpronounceable material (gabardine?) that looks like it was hacked from the back of a sheep and designed by someone working for a French sounding firm in Greenwich.

Kate’s shoes will be of particular interest to Bill, as he’s convinced they will have soles and heels.

The Queen will also come under Bill’s sartorial scrutiny and he confidently predicts she’ll wear some form of coat and a hat – or possibly a pac-a-mac and headscarf if it’s raining.


UK Economy Grows by £0.03

It has been reported that the UK economy has grown by 0.5%.

The government is wary of transforming the percentage growth into real numbers, as 0.5% of bugger all is still bugger all. However, our economics correspondent maintains this translates to 3 pence in new money.

Of course, this is offset by a 4% inflation rate.


Why Doesn’t Donald Trump Just Shut Up?

Donald Trump, the man whose hair keeps threatening to run away from him and with the largest comb-over in history, has claimed the credit for clearing up the issue of whether Obama is American by birth.

The problem is that Trump was the only person in the world who didn’t believe Obama is American and can thus claim only to have resolved a figment of his own imagination.

Rumour has it that Trump was born in a parallel universe.

Briefly Encountering a Kettled Manson in the Clink

Charles Manson to be Next PM Under AV

Using impeccable logic, the ‘No to AV’ campaign alleges that, in an election comprising:

• Beelzebub,
• Hitler,
• Nick Griffin,
• Nick Clegg and
• Charles Manson,

Charles Manson would become the Prime Minister if the Alternative Vote system were to be used, despite Beelzebub getting more votes than anyone.

Our next Prime Minister?

V&A Museum Rips off Public

Hay bought some thank you cards from the V&A Museum a while ago.

This weekend she had cause to use them, only to discover that the cards are too large for the envelopes.

Were things like this in Victoria and Albert’s day?


Police Kettling

Chairman Bill wonders whether the Metropolitan Police’s assurance that the policing of the Royal wedding will be robust means the foreign dignitaries will be kettled.


The Clink

The Chairman’s faith in restorative justice has been boosted by a story concerning a gourmet restaurant in a British prison, which is turning out fully qualified chefs.

Restorative justice is not for everyone, but for many it can be an avenue of escape from a vicious circle of crime, with benefits for society. A win-win scenario.


Philistines Vote Rachmaninov Piano Concerto No. 2 as Favourite Classical Track

A bunch of Philistines who wouldn’t know a Rachmaninov from a Lady Gaga, unless it was in a film, have voted Rachmaninov piano concerto 2 – known to them as the theme from Brief Encounter – as their favourite classical piece.



Apropos of which:



Leading to:

Propaganda

No Propaganda

The ‘No to AV’ campaign doesn’t seem to have a single cogent argument with which to bolster its cause and is resorting to totally fallacious scare tactics involving the BNP and using the over-worn phrase: “It will lead to the loser winning.”

No it won’t, as AV redefines the term ‘winner’ to mean someone with majority support, as it should, rather than someone with minority support.

The ‘No’ campaign’s PR is beginning to sound like it was written by Gaddafi or al Assad – i.e. repeating mantras completely devoid of the concept of reality in the hope that if repeated long enough the stupid electorate will come to believe it.

Mind you, that strategy does work on the gullible.


Real IRA Propaganda

A member of the Real IRA read out a statement in a cemetery in Northern Ireland yesterday in the full glare of the media spotlight.

Can anyone tell me why the police didn’t know he was going to be there and arrest him for being a member of a banned organisation and making threats to kill policemen?

Anthropomorphism

I was amused by a comment on Facebook yesterday.

A friend had posted a critique of his vet, whose incompetence he was castigating, as it had led to the death of his dog.

One of his friends said: “It's just not good enough; they just don't seem to give a damn. If that happened to a human there would be hell to pay - dogs are people too.”

No they’re not – they’re dogs, which is why we call them dogs. However, I do understand the sentiment, but it is an amusing turn of phrase.

Be Prepared

Saw a chap in the queue ahead of me in Lidl yesterday. He had a certain eastern European look about him.

His provisions were:

• 3 bottles of vodka,
• 6 jars of gherkins,
• 6 jars of herrings,
• Loads of raw meat,
• 6 cartons of orange juice, and
• A large box of toilet paper.

I thought the addition of the last item showed foresight and preparedness.

Royal Wedding Entrance - If Only

British Porn Packages Mean Easter Benefits

Real Meaning of Easter

It would appear that not many are aware of the real meaning of Easter. Incredulously enough, some apparently link it with the death and supposed (and impossible - according to the laws of physics) resurrection of a 1st century Jew who wanted nothing other than to bring the Jews back to true Judaism - and was by all accounts some kind of proto-hippy, high on ecstasy and loving everyone in sight.

The true meaning of Easter, or Eostre (from whence we get oestrogen) is a celebration of the fruitful rebirth of nature following the long winter months.



Porn

Apparently 8 out of 10 men regularly look at internet porn and are worried about it.

Chairman Bill is convinced the remaining 2 don’t look at it because they’re not internet enabled - and secondly, what the 8 are worried about is being caught by the mem-sahib.



Attractive Package

Not sure about you, but the Chairman has noticed that job adverts are increasingly being advertised with an ‘attractive package’.

Hayley maintains these adverts are for those with deep-seated and unresolved self-esteem issues and assures the Chairman that he already has an attractive package.

Package decoration

Britishness Defined

The Chairman has finally determined what it means to be British; to be 1 inch taller (on average) than a Frenchman – and 4 inches shorter than the average Dutchman.

The Chairman is kind of in between, having both English and Dutch genes. He can look down on the average Brit and even further down on the average Frenchman. This is reminiscent of a comedy sketch with John Cleese, Ronnie Corbett and Roy Kinnear.


Cameron Admits He’s Crap at His Job

David Cameron has said that Daily Mail readers will be upset and ever so slightly apoplectic that a small minority of people are on incapacity benefits due to obesity and addictions.

Well, rather than bleating about this state of affairs, why the hell has he done sod all about it? Good grief, the bugger has been in office for a year already. I suppose he’s going to blame that one on the last Labour government too.

Oh, hang on - he has blamed them, despite addictions being very complex and not necessarily resolved by the simple application of a bit of self-righteousness.

NHS Treatment More Desirable Than a Morgan Car

Lifestyle guru, Chairman Bill, has suggested that the National Health Service should capitalise on the increasing waiting list for treatment by portraying the wait as a desirable lifestyle statement.

This is precisely the strategy used by Morgan Motors, where customers face waiting lists of 1 to 2 years for the delivery of a car without batting an eyelid. In fact, potential Morgan purchasers have to fork out a £1,000 deposit simply to go on the waiting list.

Chairman Bill thinks that slapping a £500 refundable deposit on a hip replacement and stretching the waiting time to 5 years will make the treatment the must-have accessory for 2011 (or rather 2016) and eliminate complaints about waiting lists.


Happy Birthday, Mrs Queen!

You mean, she doesn't read Chairman Bill's blog?

Herbidacious Renaissance of Quack Spuds

Spuds Are Out to Get You

If you leave them in the light they go green; if you leave them in the dark they sprout. It’s a conspiracy!


Renaissance Revival

Yesterday someone put a Britax Renaissance car seat on Freecycle. They had no car seats in the Renaissance – they didn’t even have cars.

People will stoop to anything to pass things off as antiques these days.


Middleton’s Family an Embarrassment to Royal Family

Kate Middleton’s father has only gone and commissioned a coat of arms that his entire family can use.

The words ‘has no shame’ and ‘the height of chavdom’ come to mind.

Must be crossed chips rampant on a field of coal sable.


Quackery

This will probably bore the pants off most of you, but it’s a personal hobbyhorse of mine, what with Hay being a biochemist, so bear with me.

There’s a petition doing the rounds on Facebook which is filled with factual errors and misinformation about the EU directive on herbal remedies which is to come into force at the end of April.

The Facebook campaign is sponsored by herbal remedy purveyors and maintains the directive will ban all herbal remedies: nothing could be further from the truth. If you have the time, take a look, but for heaven’s sake don’t sign the petition.

The MHRA exists to police the safety & quality of all remedies, including herbal, which is a multi-million pound market and hides a myriad quacks. The new EU directive gives the MHRA additional powers.

The video maintains chemical remedies are bad and herbal remedies are good because they’re ‘natural’, whatever that means; however, the active ingredients in herbal remedies are also chemicals. A synthesised chemical is indistinguishable from one found in nature – they are what is termed fungible. They have the same atoms, the same bonds, the same molecular structure, the same effect and the same side-effects.

The word ‘natural’ above is used to elicit an emotive reaction which is totally misplaced and unwarranted – it merely indicates the molecule’s source, not its composition. The antonym of natural is unnatural – which elicits a vision of Frankenstein - yet there is no such thing as an unnatural chemical, unless it’s one that’s in the wrong place (like a weed is a flower in the wrong place), in which case just about every remedy is unnatural – herbal or otherwise – as they are generally not present in the human body.

The video also links prescription medicines with another emotive word - ‘petrochemicals’. This is a calculated and cynical scare tactic. Petrochemical derivatives are indeed used in the production of many remedies, for example as solvents to extract the active ingredient into a solution. However, solvents are used in the production of both herbal remedies and prescription medicines alike.

To my (or Hay’s) knowledge there are no medicines actually made from petrochemicals, except topical creams that are applied externally – like Vaseline, which according to herbalist propaganda is a dangerous petrochemical (and clearly a barking mad proposition).

Medicines are regulated for the purpose of safety, and it costs a lot of money to put a new medicine through clinical trials to determine efficacy, safety and correct dose. Herbal remedies currently need none of this. All that is going to happen is that they are deemed verifiably safe and that some of the more ludicrous health claims are substantiated.

Researchers have determined that, in some instances, herbal remedies don’t even contain the claimed active ingredient and are an outright scam. This is not possible with licensed prescription medicines.

No, this is a cynical effort on the part of the powerful herbal remedy lobby to hoodwink the public and gather support using scare tactics and deliberate misinformation to protect their profit margins.

Herbal remedies will not be banned, as the video claims – merely subject to the same regulation as prescription medicines – and why would a herbal remedy seller not want his products guaranteed, so far as possible, to be safe?

Don’t be fooled by the reference to Big Pharma and various conspiracy theories. Some of these herbal companies are far more profitable than many pharmaceutical companies, given they don’t have to fork out for clinical trials and approvals. Big Pharma is just a convenient scapegoat used to pander to popular prejudices.

Note that the video has no facility for making a comment – the site purposely stifles debate.

Would you rather chew on some ground willow bark, or take an aspirin? The active ingredient is identical (salicylic acid), but at least you know the aspirin is not contaminated with beetle poo or a hint of belladonna.

For a well balanced review on the issue read this.

Goodluck Politics of Faith

Goodluck Jonathan Sets Precedent

Dismal Dave and Foolish Nick have taken a leaf from the precedent set by Goodluck Jonathan, the Nigerian President, in naming conventions.

It is thought Attrociousluck Ed may also follow suit in what may well become the most fashionable political trend of the decade.

Looking at the map of the Nigerian results, I’d say the country was ripe for splitting into an Islamic north and Christian south.



Alternative Party Leader

Chairman Bill asks; “If the AV system is so hideously anti-democratic, why do all the parties use it to elect their leaders?”

The No campaigners are protesting that the system would be undemocratic as it could result in the second or third choice candidate becoming MP. This is a logical fallacy, as the selected candidate under AV would by definition have greater than 50% popular (if possibly grudging) support and thus be the de facto first choice of the majority.

Under FPTP, a candidate with the most votes, yet under 50% of them, would not necessarily be the candidate with the most popular support. If he subsequently garnered the supporting votes of the losers in the race, then he may well end up the most popular.

The No campaign seems to gathering the support of sports stars, which is hardly surprising – a race is not exactly a popularity contest; politics, however, is. To compare a political race with an athletics race is disingenuous, to say the least.

The news today suggests that pensioners are twice as likely to vote ‘No’ as students, which surprises me.


God Botherers at it Again

Some Christian with a death wish has fallen foul of his company rule that company vans should not have any personal property on display.

Rather than abide by the rule, this chap decides to exhibit a whacking great 8 inch cross on his dashboard, claiming it’s a display of his faith. Display of his faith? More like a display of his self-righteousness.

Why can’t he just wear a cross, a crown of thorns or a nail through his hand, rather than deliberately flout company rules which everyone else manages to abide by?

Andrea Williams, CEO of the self-righteous Christian Legal Centre said: “When a man can't display a palm cross in his van in a historically Christian country, it should give people serious pause for thought." She just doesn’t get it.

Why do these people constantly feel the need to push their religion into others’ faces? Are they so unsure that they need constant reminders?

If I, as an atheist, were to put nothing on display, would that be a display of my faith and thus contravene the rule?

Alternative Culinary Voting

Chairman Makes Startling Culinary Discovery

The Chairman was assisting Hay in making a salad for the first BBQ of the season, with The Caravans (Hay’s parents) as guests.

Chairman Bill was sent inside the caravan to chop up some bacon which had been crisped on the BBQ and was intended as a garnish for the salad.

Not having his glasses to hand, the Chairman blindly grabbed a nearby open Tupperware box into which he put the bacon bits before taking it outside to scatter on the salad.

Later, when Hay and the Chairman were doing the washing up, Hay enquired how the Tupperware box for the cat’s kitty crunchies had gotten into the washing up.

Anyway, the upshot is that kitty crunchies make excellent and economical salad croutons and no-one can tell the difference.


Alternative People

Some ignorant bugger in a recent debate on AV suggested that elderly people had enough of a problem getting out to vote without the additional burden of having a complicated system foisted on them.

If being able to list three candidates in order of preference is complicated, then God help X-Factor. This is a patronising and facile argument from the No campaign that dredges the barrel of intellectual bankruptcy.

All the usual logical fallacies are being trotted out in this campaign, particularly within the ‘No’ camp. It’s high time the less intellectually endowed portion of the electorate had an independent adjudicator of the respective claims of politicians and their parties. Much of what they say is nothing more than unsubstantiated opinion totally bereft of any semblance of fact.

That Damned PDO Thing Again

The Chairman had the good fortune to taste some Stichelton cheese over the weekend. Stichelton is the old name for the village of Stilton and Stichelton cheese is a traditional Stilton made with unpasteurised milk and rennet from calves’ stomachs.

However, as it’s made from unpasteurised milk and does not use factory produced rennet, it cannot be officially classed as a Stilton due to the rules of the EU Protected Designation of Origin.

This is somewhat ironic considering Stichelton is made in exactly the same manner as Stilton was in days of yore. Modern Stilton is a pale imitation, yet is classed by the PDO as genuine. This is a travesty, as any taste comparison will prove.

Once again the EU conspires to dumb down our historic cheeses and turn them into plastic imitations of what they used to be – with the connivance of the Stilton Cheese Makers’ Association, who are more interested in protectionism than quality. Were they interested at all in quality, then Stichelchton would be admitted, and in the premier position too.

The Chairman gleaned the following from The Foodie Bugle blog:

“The Stilton Cheese Makers Association is full of praise and admiration the Stichelton Dairy team and on a more individual basis they would have been willing to have included Stichelton within the Stilton nomenclature. However, a decision has been taken by the SCMA that not every cheese maker will have the ‘same high level of hygiene standards as the Stichelton Dairy’. By overriding the rules for one producer, the SCMA maintains it would set a precedent, and the danger of bacterial contamination would rise.”

The next irony is that it was one of this self-serving association’s dairies (there are only six dairies licensed to use the Stilton name) that caused a health scare in 1989 which led to the decision to only use pasteurised milk, which was subsequently enshrined in the PDO status. The lunatics are indeed running the asylum.

The Chairman normally has to mature common or garden Stilton himself in a Tupperware box for a few days at room temperature before it’s anywhere near ripe. Stichelton, however, may be kept in the fridge and will be guaranteed to be deliciously ripe at any time without any prior preparation.

If you have the opportunity to taste some Stichelton, then you are urged to do so, although be warned that it is pricey due to the handmade nature, low production volume and exceptional quality.

Essential Britishness for Brits

The Chairman has been thinking some more about this mythical concept of Britishness that seems to occupy the minds of many.

It’s a fact that those who live in large cities have different values from those who live in rural areas (the hunting issue divides the nation along these lines); those living in the north of the country view those in the south as being soft (those in the south view northerners as thick); the distinction between classes, wherever one sets the boundaries, is massive; those living on one county see outlanders as being somewhat inferior (a relic of regional invasions by Saxons, Danes and Norwegians); the rich are viewed by the poor as being totally remote from life at the bottom.

What, beyond a common language spoken in myriad different dialects, unites the British as an identifiable group? It certainly isn’t a respect for democracy, as that unites the entire western world and not just the Brits.

The queue is seen by some as essentially British, which could be interpreted as reflecting a sense of fairness. “Woe betide anyone who jumps a queue,” is the common mantra, but beyond a few huffs and puffs of righteous indignation, it is highly unlikely very many would be prepared to confront a queue jumper, as most people (not just Brits) are non-confrontational. In any case, a sense of fairness is not uniquely British.

Tea drinking is seen by many as peculiarly British, but all manner of nations drink tea, even in Europe.

Patriotism is not unique to Brits either – in fact many nations are fanatically patriotic and certainly more patriotic than the Brits.

Nor is a liking for football in any way peculiarly British – the Italians and Spanish are far more fanatical.

No, this ‘British identity’ has never existed, so we can’t logically say we’re losing it. People are far more willing to identify themselves as English, Welsh, Scottish or Northern Irish than British, and there are deep, irreconcilable divisions even within these regional identities.

It could be said the Brits are renowned for their stiff upper lip – and yes, that has disappeared from vast swathes of the population, as witnessed by the mawkish outpourings of ersatz national grief at Diana’s funeral. The nation has also become obsessed with things like X-Factor, Big Brother and the like, which are the total antithesis of the stiff upper lip. However, the loss of the stiff upper lip has bugger all to do with immigration and everything to do with the me, me, me culture.

Now if a Brit were to be accused of being slightly French – that’s an entirely different matter. Hang on, it could be said that Brits exhibit a certain sang-froid as well as rejoicing in schadenfreude, which probably typifies the zeitgeist.

Faraday Cage for Brits in Burqas

Get Your Knacker Faraday Cage Today From Lidl

Lidl is today selling shorts which incorporate a Faraday cage to protect your knackers.

Don’t believe me? See this then.



Official – Brits Have no Taste

Researchers at some dreary university have discovered that Brits can’t tell the difference between a fine wine and dog shit.

In blinded trials, a cohort of people had only a 50% chance of differentiating between quality and trashy wines.

This comes as a boon to binge drinkers throughout the country as they can now serve meths and firewater at dinner parties, as they do in Scotland, with a clear conscience.


Blanket Ban

The Chairman is not so sure of the wisdom of the French banning the burqa.

Without a shadow of a doubt, some women actually want to drape a blanket over themselves, and they should be allowed to do so, if that’s their foible. The women who were protesting against the ban in France, and subsequently arrested for wearing one, are a case in point.

While the instances of the burqa being used as an instrument of oppression are legion, you can’t just go and implement a blanket ban (if you’ll forgive the pun), as that denies millions of women their right to dress as they please. It is not for the state to dictate what you can and cannot wear.

Any move to remove the burqa as a symbol of oppression must come from within the Muslim community, not from outside, else it risks being interpreted as an act of racism – which the Chairman suspects that a ban actually is.

There are existing laws against oppression, and the Chairman suggests women who do not want to cover themselves with a blanket use those laws to protect themselves.


Why be Afraid of Immigration?

The Chairman was listening to some claptrap about immigration on the radio yesterday.

Why are people so afraid of immigrants?

The Chairman defies any Brit to tell him what defines the British. They simply can’t do it. Any definition will inevitably be couched in parochial terms that don’t transcend their local county. The Brits themselves are a result of waves of immigration over countless centuries.

However, ask any foreigner what British values are and you’ll be told they are intolerance, self-righteousness, self-entitlement, laziness, lack of respect, irresponsibility, binge drinking and overindulgence. Oh, and xenophobia.

The only manner in which Britishness can logically be defined is being able to speak, read and write English – and not even all native British can do that effectively.

One constantly hears cries that immigrants don’t assimilate, which is somewhat ironic when you consider that the Brits themselves are the notorious as the world’s worst at assimilating when they themselves emigrate to foreign climes.

Politics

AV Poll Misinformation

Those campaigning NO for the Alternative Vote are using the fallacy than it gives undue influence to minority parties. Isn’t that exactly the situation with the coalition we currently have where the minority LibDems hold the balance of power?

At least with AV, those of us who voted LibDem would have our votes redistributed according to our wishes, rather than at the capricious whim of Neck Clogg.

In any case, the AV would only be used in cases where no candidate managed to secure more than 50% of the votes – which I think is eminently fair and democratic. In papal elections, it has to be a 2/3rds majority – and what’s good enough for God’s representative on earth is good enough for me (despite me not believing in Him).

Additionally, the NO campaigners say First Past the Post has stood the test of time; well, so did the trilobite (about 500 million years), but it ain’t around now as it was an evolutionary dead-end. What’s so wrong with evolution?

Just because everyone else (except a few isolated states) votes according to FPTP, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best system. One time everyone believed the world was flat and it patently ain’t.

The only manner in which the NO campaign can show AV to be bad is if they manufacture highly contrived and unlikely scenarios.

The best advert in support of AV is the current government – an actual scenario in which, had AV been in place, we would now have a Labour coalition in accordance with the wishes of the vast majority of the electorate!

It is worth noting that the original democracy of Athens was based on politicians being appointed by lot, not by vote. The leading politician could also be ostracised for 10 years, to avoid civil war.

Vote Chairman Bill – you know it makes sense.


Chairman Demands Return to Profligate Spending

Chairman Bill, the well respected constitutional analyst, maintains that Britain’s only way out of the current economic gloom is to return to the good old days of profligate spending of other people’s money on useless items that aren’t actually needed.

“This,” says Chairman Bill, “will produce a consumer boom, which will drastically reduce unemployment levels and thus raise additional taxes to give to the poor and subsidise MPs’ expenses.”


Chairman Bill Demands to be Listened to

Health Secretary, Andrew Lansley, is being encouraged to go and listen to the well respected constitutional and financial analyst, Chairman Bill, as part of his ‘listening exercise’ in respect of the NHS reforms.

Said the Chairman, “It would save Lansley a lot of time and effort if he just came and sat at my feet and listened to me spouting off about everything under the sun. He might even learn something.”

Royal Firm in Daily Mail Rampage Auction

Nepotism Rife in Royal ‘Firm’

When Nick Clegg was saying kids shouldn’t get a leg up into their first job from their parents, did he perhaps have Prince William in mind?

Although in William’s case he will also get a leg up from his dad into his last job.


Oh to be a Daily Mail Headline Writer

Chairman Bill has revealed a secret urge to be a Daily Mail headline writer. “Just imagine the sheer glee they must derive from creating headlines that get Daily Mail readers all lathered up,” said the iconic layabout.

It is easy to see what he means – Saturday’s was a corker – ‘Who let Moondogg the Rapper Guard Sub?’

It is likely that Daily Mail readers think the British Royal Navy recruits its ratings from posh grammar schools and that they are second sons of second sons of the nobility.

Turn your mind back a century or two and the RN ratings were the sweepings of dockside life – hale and hearty, tough as nails, bordering on criminal (if not actually fleeing the law), pressed into service and certainly not paragons of virtue. Things have not changed that dramatically in the intervening period, although it helps if you can read, write and do some basic sums.

Mental stability is not something often associated with people who are institutionalised from an early age, as sailors are (which explains The Chairman’s mental state) - and being trained killers doesn’t help either.


Drug-Crazed Pornographer in Dutch Mall Rampage – Are You Safe?

Don’t worry, the Chairman was just practicing writing for the Daily Mail.


Chairman’s Son Attempts Endurance Record

It was the Chairman’s No.1 son’s 13th birthday on Saturday. In their wisdom, his maternal grandparents bought him a PS3.

He’s been in his room, killing dozens of virtually real people since then and his only breaks have been for sleeping. A wonderful sense of peace has descended on the caravan – best present ever.


eBay Infested With Plonkers, Claims Chairman Bill

Chairman Bill wonders why people advertise cars on eBay auctions, but then go and put reserve prices on them that are way above the market value.

IF YOU WANT A CERTAIN PRICE FOR YOUR CAR, LIST IT AS A CLASSIFIED ADVERT AND NOT A BLOODY AUCTION, YOU PLONKER!

The reserve auction price is the absolute minimum you’ll part with the car for, not the maximum, and should be lower than the average market price.

Mysandry?

Thought Controlled Computer Mouse Cannot Be Used by Men

A new computer mouse capable for being controlled by thought must be kept away from men, say the developers.

The reason for this is that during trials it kept inexplicably clicking on porn sites.


Tevatron Researchers Discover Male Brain

Researchers at the Tevatron particle accelerator in the US think they have discovered a never-before-seen particle.

If proved, it will be a completely new, unanticipated particle. The researchers say it cannot be the much sought-after Higgs boson, but it could possibly be the male brain.

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Politics Today

MP Protection Programme Criticised

The Commons has been criticised for not publishing the sums given to retiring MPs, and those who lost their seats, in lucrative resettlement grants.

The grant, worth up to £64k, is used by ex-MPs to give them and their families totally new identities, thus keeping them safe from the electorate when they go into retirement.


MP Claims to Have Feelings

Nick Clegg, leader of the turncoat LibDems, has claimed that, contrary to empirical observation, he has feelings.

It also transpires that his sons call him ‘papa’, which alone is sufficient to make him an object of ridicule by the masses.


Cable Warns Unis Not to Do What Government Allows Them To

As Central Lancs, Nottingham, Portsmouth and South Bank universities announce they also are going to charge the maximum tuition fees that the government has said they can charge, Business Secretary Vince Cable has warned them not to charge what the government said they could charge.

Huff and Puff Fills Power Vacuum

Antonym of Power Vacuum?

The Libyan government has said it’s open to reform, but Gaddafi must stay in power to avoid a deadly power vacuum.

Hang on – he’s in power now and it’s a deadly power pressure chamber (if that's a suitable antonyn). Can it be any worse with a power vacuum?


Daily Mail Huffs and Puffs with Righteous Indignation

Apparently Nick Clegg has said that pushy parents should not be allowed to open doors to jobs for their children.

The Daily Mail accuses him of double standards on the basis of him having obtained his first two jobs through his father’s influence.

The Daily Mail just doesn’t grasp that Clegg is admitting this is wrong; nor does it grasp that Clegg Jr. is not accountable for what Clegg Sr. did 20 odd years ago.

It's All So Senseless

Isn’t it strange how people define themselves by their jobs?

When initially meeting a new acquaintance, the first enquiry is about names. The second invariably centres on what each does for a living. Associated with high status positions is education and many place great store on education, but why? The stock answer is that it enables one to get a good job – but at what cost?

A ‘good job’ (i.e. one paying a lot of money) invariably involves a mind-blowing degree of stress along with the insatiable desire to purchase lots of shiny things that confer status, like an enormous house, the latest car, communications gewgaws and the obligatory biannual holidays in expensive locations - while all the time staying in contact with work with the aid of the aforementioned expensive communications gewgaws and thus ensuring you don’t actually enjoy your holiday.

Getting sucked into the housing ladder means mortgaging yourself up to the hilt in the mistaken belief that you’re actually making money, rather than actually incurring vast debt in purchasing an asset for which you’ll end up paying twice its intrinsic value through interest payments.

What is so wrong with having a socially useful, but not very well paid job, not getting stressed and not storing up vast debt?

Once you earn vast amounts of money, the desire is to earn yet more. Once you earn yet more vast amounts of money, you cannot see how people without similar vast amounts of money can possibly be happy, your reasoning being that they can’t afford all the shiny things that you mistakenly believe make you happy.

However, if things did indeed make you happy, why the desire to continually replace these happiness things with newer and more expensive happiness things? The fact is that you don’t miss what you never had, and thus the secret is to not live beyond your means and be so lacking in self-esteem as to continually need to declare your status to all those around you.

Buddha was spot on when he said happiness lies in letting go of desire, for in desire lies misery. People and relationships are what make you happy, not things. The desire for things is a vicious circle that leads you to wanting more and yet newer things, as the illusory feeling of happiness they confer is transitory.

This is an insight that normally comes only with maturity and experience. For a lucky and select few it arises from not having an enormous ego and associated sense of self-entitlement in the first place.

No, getting a good education should not be with the aim of getting a good job – it should be an end in itself. If a good education can’t be achieved (and for some it simply can’t) then no matter, just focus on your relationships, resist envy and avoid using 25 year-old footballers with newly acquired wealth and hideous morals as role models.

Easier said than done, as (sadly) the broadcasting of status, and the acquisitiveness it inspires, is closely tied to what it means to be human.

A Tale of Two Dictators

Syria’s Bashar Just Doesn’t Get It

As Syria’s President Bashar Al-Assad appoints yet another drone to take the flak, he demonstrates that he’ just doesn’t understand that it’s him that the people want rid of.

He could appoint that much beloved character, Mohamed Al-Fayed, as prime minister and it still wouldn’t make one iota of difference.

Fulham FC Dictator Shows Signs of Megalomania

Fulham FC boss, Mohamed Fayed, has said Fulham fans can ‘go to hell’ if they don’t like his tacky and somewhat strange new statue of Michael Jackson, which for reasons unknown has been placed outside the club’s stadium.

Endearing himself to the club’s fans in the manner of a Middle East dictator, he also called non-appreciative supporters ‘stupid’ and said they can go and support Chelsea, or Bashar Al-Assad.

Psychic Cyclists Take Liberties with History

Oxfordshire Police Psychic

Since the speed cameras in Oxfordshire were switched off, police in Oxfordshire maintain speeding has increased fourfold, which was the reason for switching them back on again yesterday.

“If the cameras were switched off, how do they know speeding increased?” asked a puzzled Chairman Bill.



Watching Fat Birds Exercising is Not Entertainment

Last night, Chairman Bill was almost assailed by a TV program showing Clare Balding cycling around a 23 mile course.

Admittedly the course included some beautiful countryside, but watching some fat bird exercising is not exactly entertainment.

Watching Nicole Kidman exercising, however, is entertainment and the BBC should take note.

Left: Not entertainment - Right: Entertainment

“Ridley Scott Takes Liberties with History,” Says Chairman Bill

Upset at the BBC’s attempt at entertainment, Chairman Bill decided to watch Robin Hood, a DVD that had been bought for his birthday.

The opening sequence set the scene as ‘the turn of the 12th century’, which in the Chairman’s lexicon means the start of the 1100s, which is some 100 years too early for the story of Robin Hood, which is actually set in the early 1200s, or ‘the turn of the 13th century’. This did not bode well, but it got worse.

Robin Crowe proceeded to return from the crusades passing himself off as an English noble. English nobles were Norman and spoke French - a language with which the average Saxon peasant (as Russell Hood was portrayed) would only have a nodding acquaintance, not even to schoolboy standard and the accent would have been hideous anyway, monsewer.

With the Chairman harrumphing audibly, Ridley Scott then proceeded to tell us that Robin Hood’s father, an artisan stonemason (in the film) and in that case probably illiterate, was the architect of Magna Carta, an idea so preposterous as to be on a par with ‘World War Two Bomber Found on the Moon’. Hood’s dad was shown as some left wing, working class, intellectual, Marxist revolutionary.


Scott then continued to mangle history by showing Philip II of France attempting to invade England.

While the story of Robin Hood is the stuff of myth and legend, there is nonetheless a tradition and canon. Scott’s interpretation took more liberties than a Middle East dictator. He must have been short of a few bob to get involved in this travesty. In true Hollywood fashion, historical fact (where pertinent) was not allowed to get in the way of a good story (or in this case a terrible story).

This DVD will never be watched by me again, thus it's destined for eBay today.

History, but not as we know it Ridley.

Potato & Vodka Tsunami

ESA Says Earth is Actually Large Potato

Scientists at the European Space Agency have released a photo showing that Earth is actually a large and lumpy variety of a starchy, tuberous root from the perennial Solanum tuberosum family.


The Vatican has commented that this is probably part of God’s ineffable market gardening plan and His penchant for growing massive root vegetables in space shows His boundless love for us.


Wives of High-Flyers in Panic as Oddbins Goes into Administration

The stay-at-home, vodka-swilling, alcoholic wives of high-flying executives were sent into a panic yesterday following the announcement that cheap booze emporium Oddbins had gone into receivership.

This vodka diet works – I’ve lost 2 days already.

“Why Weren’t We Told of Poole Tsunami?” Asks Chairman Bill

Yesterday, while travelling to a business meeting in Poole, Dorset, Chairman Bill was surprised to see the obvious debris from a tsunami littering a couple of roundabouts on the outskirts of Poole.

Utter carnage.

Enormous, devastating power.

The fishing vessel, navigational buoy and ship’s anchor had obviously been deposited on the roundabouts by a huge tsunami of enormous power; however, this news was apparently suppressed by the media - probably to prevent panic among the residents of the exclusive Sandbanks resort.

Chairman Bill noted that the stoic residents of Poole seemed to be going about their business as usual, totally oblivious to the catastrophe that had befallen them.