The Wedding - Chairman Bill's Analysis

Palmer-Tomkinson’s striking, electric blue Robin Hood hat (and matching dress) certainly diverted attention from her septum, but bare shoulders were a bit risqué for a wedding. I can say, however, that she knows how to wear a hat – long hair should be worn up.

La Beckham looked like a very heavily made up rabbit caught in headlights and dressed for a funeral; however, an in-depth analysis of who designed her dress was lacking, much to my chagrin. Hubby looked smart and self-confident though, but he was wearing his MBE on the wrong side (it should be worn on the left, not right breast – that’s any K gone for a burton).

Everyone’s favourite scarecrow, Boris Johnson, looked uncharacteristically smart, if somewhat confused by it all. One got the impression he was looking forward to trashing the reception venue with Dave Cameron and other Bullingdon Club members.

Shame about Samantha Cameron – nice girl, but look what she has to put up with. The Queen of Denmark looked as if she’s eaten a few too many Danish pastries, if you ask me. Wasn’t too impressed with the junior Royal Family’s battle buses. Looked more like up-market paddy wagons.

Arch Bish Rowan Atkinson’s red and gold number was quite fetching; you’d almost think he was some kind of religious potentate with that outfit on. You’d never guess he was a comedian. Could have had a shave though – and had a haircut.

I may be mistaken, but it looked to me like Mrs Parker Bowles was recycling an outfit she wears to every event I’ve ever seen her at. And as for Princess Beatrice; who on earth told her that that hat was fashionable – Coco the Clown?

As accurately predicted yesterday, Mrs Queen was indeed wearing a coat and a hat. Kate’s (or should I say the Duchess of Hull’s) dress certainly paid more than a passing homage to Mrs Queen’s wedding dress – and how better to ingratiate yourself with grandmother-in-law? The Chairman's verdict on the dress is - exquisite, a veritable paragon of taste, understated elegance and decorum.

While the happy couple got to choose the hymns, Mrs Queen got her own tune played at the end of the ceremony – good on her! Wills & Kate will surely have the best wedding video in the world. I wonder who the roadie was.

One thing is certain – Kate’s parents will be financially ruined by all the cost. Although I suppose the Middletons could raffle off the dress, and doubtless they did a deal with Hello.

At one point, Hay asked me about the death of Diana and who else was killed in the crash. Told her Dodi died and she then asked where I learned Scouse.

I was kind of hoping there would be a ceremonial burning of a Catholic at the end, but sadly it was not to be.

Fascinators. Now I want to start a debate on these. Personally I’m not in favour of anyone over 18 wearing them, especially if male – they belong on boozy tarts in impossibly high heels, ridiculously short skirts and gratuitously malicious cleavages at Ascot.