Monopoly

I heard the other day that there's a big question mark over Hinkley B. Well, I imagine the last thing the locals want is a bloody huge question mark destroying the view.

All this "renewable" energy - solar, wind, tide - is driven by one thing and one thing only, a huge nuclear reactor some 83 million miles away called the sun. All fossil fuel too is just a battery for ancient solar power.

There's one thing about the sun that concerns me - it's a monopoly, possibly run by God Energy Inc., which we all know to be in the pay of one Rupert Murdoch (it's no accident that Rupert Murdoch also spells 'corrupt red hum').

I think that, in the interested of customer choice, we should have an alternative to the sun, and until such time as a rival power company manages to haul in another one from a distant solar system, then the only answer is having our own nuclear power here on earth.

Contraceptive Pet Hate at the BBC

I've developed a new pet hate - hotel booking sites.

Wanted to book a room in an hotel near my office, as I'm returning late from a business meeting in Aberdeen tonight and it will be a pain to go all the way home from Southampton and then back again at 6am on Thursday for another meeting. 

On searching for the phone number for the hotel, all I could raise on Google was half a hundred bloody 3rd party booking sites, none of which had the hotel phone number (naturally, as they don't want you to book direct). 

It's not as if I'm incapable of phoning an hotel and booking a room, for God's sake!

When I finally did manage to find a phone number, I couldn't get a response from the other end. A message told me my call was important - but obviously not that important, else they wouldn't have kept me holding on for 15 minutes.

Ended up having to book through a booking site after all....

One hears that abortion is the new contraceptive for some under 16s. Not ideal, is it? While I'm pro-choice, there's pro-choice and simply taking the piss out of the NHS.

You know, it strikes me that the BBC could save a shed-load of money if they didn't do so many needless outside broadcasts. They never seem to miss a chance to do some news item without having a live reporter standing outside (or inside) some vaguely relevant location that adds nothing to the story itself, yet must cost an arm and a leg in communication costs. 

Qatada Weather Tax

Was I right in hearing that Abu Qatada is going to appear in front of Lord Leveson to defend his links with News International boss Rupert Murdoch?

I swear the BBC is employing kids as weather presenters. Our local one can be no older than 12. It must be part of a new Youth Training Scheme.

Talking of weather, we've got The Simpsons' sky here today.

There's a story in the news about a new on-line government tax calculator falling over due to the number of users trying to access it. I reckon it must be the Greeks - or possibly people working out how much the pasty tax is going to cost them.

Eurovision Special Offers

Azerbaijan - Eurovision? Doesn't quite ring true, does it? Traditionally Europe ended at the river Don. Like the Roman Empire at its point of collapse, Europe is extending its boundaries at an alarming rate and admitting the barbarian hordes to its institutions while the centre collapses into a mire of decadence and corruption. I wonder which grouping will successfully emerge from the ensuing Dark Ages?

Talking of tradition, why do we have a tradition of an Irishman hosting our Eurovision commentary?  

My boy sent me this yesterday. Is it another example of supermarkets taking advantage of the general populace's poor arithmetic skills with bogus special offers, or just plain stupidity?

Ignominious Rock Deaths & Fire

I see 'ffire' has finally reached Wales with the Olympic torch. I'm sure many will still hanker after the good old days, but it had to happen. It won't stop there though; mark my words - the 'wheell' will reach Welsh shores before much longer.

Steve Peregrin Took (once of T Rex fame and born Stephen Ross Porter) died from asphyxiation by inhaling a cocktail cherry. Not exactly a classic Rock and Roll death, is it? Wasn't Jimmy Page's pool a famous venue for Rock Deaths?

Here's a list of Rock Deaths - seems the classic Rock and Roll deaths from drug overdoses, choking on your own vomit, chronic liver failure and guitar electrocution are giving way to cancer and natural causes.

Talking of Rock and Roll - everyone ready to vote for Spain to win Eurovision?

I hear Jeremy Hunt - that government bloke who has been clinging on to his job for longer than decency allows - has shown himself to be a closet Frenchie. Don't give a damn about the other scandal surrounding him, but a Frenchie passing himself off as a Brit in the British government is unforgivable. Is this what Agincourt was fought for?

Ryan Air & the Palma Vikings

On the Ryan Air flight back from Palma last night I was corporately robbed of £2.80 for a bottle of water that usually retails for about £0.75p max. Other than that I have no complaints about Ryan Air.

Palma itself is hideous; hordes of shouty, heavily tattooed British men and inappropriately dressed, fat, badly sunburned British girls - also heavily tattooed. The Brits have become the new Vikings.

The other side was acres of glitzy, bejewelled, conspicuous consumption in the marinas. Lots of rich, fat blokes with skinny, orange women half their age.

I guess there must be nice parts of the Island where the locals live, but unfortunately I didn't get to see them.

SqueezyJet

Flew to Madrid by EasyJet yesterday evening - was pleasantly surprised (well, you hear all these hideous stories about the El-Cheapo airlines). It was an all-female aircrew and it was the smoothest take off and landing I've experienced in a long time.

Madrid is tiny - watching out of the cabin window I thought we were landing at some waypoint village to refuel.

Two meetings today, then on to Palma first thing tomorrow for three more meetings, then back to Bristol at 10pm by Ryan Air, which may be a totally different experience.

A Litigious Olympic Torch

Are you, like me, rather uneasy about all these injury compensation claim adverts on the part of lawyers that are flooding the commercial TV channels?

Yes, OK, if you have an injury and it's someone else's fault (or even criminal), then you should be able to resort to litigation. However, something about the way injury lawyers tout for business just smacks of ripping people off. It's like abdicating responsibility for your own safety and making someone else responsible for it - it's un-British.

"Have you been offended by the way someone has looked at you in a public place? Call 'I Feel Offended Lawyers 4U' immediately and we'll take them to court to teach them a lesson they'll never forget." Know what I mean?

Another thing that seems un-British is selling your Olympic Torch on eBay before you've even taken possession of it. If you're selling it for charity, then all well and good, but for personal gain?

I asked one of the 'sellers' what charity he or she was donating the money to. Had no response this far. I suspect most of the offers, and even bids, are fake.

PM Accused of Sleeping

It has been alleged that the Prime Minister, David Cameron, actually sleeps.

This has brought condemnation from the Labour Party, who maintain he obviously does not have his eye on the ball. 

When interviewed about his workload on BBC Radio 4's Today programme last month, Mr Cameron said: "It's got to be possible to be a decent husband, a good father and a good prime minister at the same time."

Obviously, he has not yet found the secret of how to accomplish this.

Women Bishops Guard Borders

Some 2,200 women have signed a petition saying they don't want to be overseen by women bishops, citing the argument that Jesus didn't choose women to be his disciples.

I fail to see the validity of this reasoning, as Mary Magdalene is thought by most to be the "Beloved Disciple" of the Gospel of John, and the church itself called her the "Apostle to the Apostles". She was Jesus' most constant companion.

Indeed she was the first to see the resurrection and was therefore the first apostle, having been instructed by Jesus to go and tell Peter and the other merry men about the good news.

Finally, if your argument for not wanting women bishops is because Jesus didn't choose women, then why on earth follow the teachings of one Paul of Tarsus, who certainly wasn't a disciple and didn't even know Jesus in the first place?

No, they must come up with a better argument that that, especially in these days of gender equality, a concept that was utterly alien in 1st century life. If you're going to use that argument you may as well say black people are forbidden from being bishops, or white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants. I suspect there's something more visceral behind this, but I'm damned if I know what.

I see the Daily Mail is at it again - headline says: "Don't Panic - Ministers Hire Filing Clerks to Guard Borders." Bit over the top, ain't it? Does the DM really expect the government to give temporary border inspectors 3 months training for what is essentially a 2 week job? Can it be that hard to check someone's passport, especially if you have a real immigration officer to call on if needed? Does it really take more than 3 days to learn how to look at a passport? It's not as if these temps are going to need to know UK immigration law by heart, for God's sake!

Risky Business for Fly Strike Facebook

Overheard in the Caravan:

Several sheep and lambs have just been delivered to our field (our grass contributes to the excellent taste of Sodbury Lamb):

Chairman: "They still dock the lambs' tails, don't they?"

Hay: "Yes, it's to keep their bums relatively clean and prevent fly strike. By the look of your underpants when I wash them, it would appear you suffer the occasional bout of fly strike too!"

Also Heard in the Caravan:

Continuity Announcer: "And next we have Gardner's World."

Chairman: "Oh God!"

Hay: "What don't you like about Gardener's World?"

Chairman: "The bloody gardens!"

Off to Spain on a business trip on Tuesday. Just wondering whether I should risk buying any Euros - they're likely to be worth less than recycled bog paper by the time I get back on Thursday night. Seriously contemplating taking some bars of soap and a few coloured beads to use as a medium of exchange instead.

I see they put the Olympic Flame on a plane yesterday. What with all the kerfuffle about smoking and using mobiles on planes, you'd think they'd have had the sense to extinguish the bloody thing for the 4 hour flight and light it again at the destination with a Zippo - it's not as if any bugger would notice. You can't even fart on the plane these days without some odious bastard having a go at you! I can't help thinking that using an entire aircraft at the taxpayers' expense for a bloody flame in these times of austerity is a little bit over the top. What will the entire Olympics cost us - £11bn is it? What a superb investment - obviously the current bunch of clowns never heard of the Austerity Olympics of '48. It would seem people were more sensible then.

Talking of gigantic wastes of money, where on earth is Faceook hoovering up $106bn from? Mugs, and pension schemes, probably. The money will just make the damned thing even more unbearable - and I mean the ugly monkey who started it, not the system.

Am I correct in hearing a dog won one of those interminable talent contest on TV the other week? Seems we're finally getting back to the good old days of Opportunity Knocks and novelty acts that grannies vote for. Viewers must finally be getting sick of talentless narcissists with overblown egos appearing on these shows.

Sponsored Web Browsers

Have you ever noticed how web browsers are a bit unbiased in their search results? OK, you get adverts that are based on your browsing preferences, but they still leave a lot to be desired - I need the adverts before I decide to look for something, not for the 6 weeks following having bought an item.

I wonder if we'll ever have web browsers sponsored by industry - just imagine:

• The Daily Mail Browser - only produces search results based on things you love to hate.
• The Hello Browser - supplies nothing but volumes of unremitting trivia about celebs and pictures of orange women.
• The Conservative Party Browser - makes it up as it goes along and then back-tracks.
• The Sports Live Browser - has a voice interface that shouts at you.
• The FaceBook Browser - changes every few days, confuses the hell out of you and steals your data.
• The Euro Browser - you never get the truth from it and you never finish paying for it.

Any other suggestions?

Spanish Flea

The Chairman hears the Spanish are getting all territorial now, as well as the Argentinians. Queen Sophia of Spain is not coming to Queen Elizabeth's Jubilee because of the Spanish claim to Gibraltar. 

Now Spain is ruled by the Bourbons, who were placed on the throne of Spain by the Treaty of Utrecht, which ceded Gib to the Brits as part of a redistribution of the European balance of power in 1713. Thus one of the reasons Queen Sophia shares the throne with her hubby, Juan-Carlos, is because the Spanish gave us Gibraltar.

As in the case of the Falklands, the Gibraltarians themselves have rejected Spanish rule in two referendums, thus the Spanish claim is trounced on two fronts.

Strange people, these foreign chappies. They should be sent away with a flea in their ear over these imperialist claims.

Nutters & Demagogues

Was watching a local news item about the Falkland Islands on the TV last night and it really struck me that President Wossername de Kirchner must be a bit of a nutter to even contemplate invading the islands again.

She would be asking Argentinians to lay down their lives for nothing more important than a patch of land, as there's no-one there who needs or wants to be 'liberated' from British rule. Given the foregoing, she'd have to oppress the local population, or expel them. Another word for that is imperialism.

Is just a patch of land worth losing Argentinian lives over? Had there been a local population who actually wanted the Argentinians there, then it would be a different matter.

Roundhead Inspections of the Laws of Motion

Overheard in the Caravan:

The Chairman is just about to watch a TV program about the Roundheads and the Cavaliers.

Hay: "The Catholics called them Roundheads because they were circumcised."

Chairman: "Absolute rot - it was because of their closely cropped hair and the shape of their helmets."

Hay: "Precisely!"


The Chairman is perturbed by reports that teachers are vehemently against snap inspections by Ofsted. Instead, they want a lot of notice - like a year or two - so they can clean up their act a bit before being pronounced crap.

Isn't that a bit like the police phoning you a couple of days before they decide to check the heap of junk you habitually drive on the M6 with no tax or insurance and giving you time to sort it all out?

Education Secretary, Michale Gove, has backed teachers, saying he didn't want Ofsted to be seen as an arm of the Spanish Inquisition. Does that mean, by implication, that the motorway police are an arm of the Spanish Inquisition? 

Does that similarly mean snap inspections of hospitals and care homes for the elderly are intrinsically bad and should be stopped immediately?

Here's a thought - are the laws of motion merely subroutines in the software that's programmed to run the universe? It seems to me that 'fiscal union does not work' is also a universal subroutine, but certain governments choose to ignore it.

Dead Sea Prunes

Saw an advert for a brand of soap on the TV last night that extolled beautifying virtues of the Dead Sea minerals it contains.

The main mineral in the Dead Sea is salt, and if you've ever spend some time in salt water, then you'll know it turns you into a prune.

Another mineral contained in the Dead Sea is sulphur, a key component of acid rain, and you've probably seen what that does to statues.

Strange A Levels

Overheard in the Caravan:

No. 1 Son: "We've got PE today."

Chairman: "Do you do that inside or outside?"

No. 1 Son: "We can't do it inside, as they're using the hall for A level PE. Not sure how you do an A level in PE, but there you go."

Gadgets

Mmmmm - should I, or shouldn't I?



Sheep might be easier - and cheaper.

The Garden of the Prophet

...Then he said: "My friends and my road-fellows, pity the nation that is full of beliefs and empty of religion. 

"Pity the nation that wears a cloth it does not weave, eats a bread it does not harvest, and drinks a wine that flows not from its own wine press. 

"Pity the nation that acclaims the bully as hero, and that deems the glittering conqueror bountiful. 

"Pity the nation that despises a passion in its dream, yet submits in its awakening. 

"Pity the nation that raises not its voice save when it walks in a funeral, boasts not except when its neck is laid between the sword and the block. 

"Pity the nation whose statesman is a fox, whose philosopher is a juggle, and whose art is the art of patching and mimicking. 

"Pity the nation that welcomes its new ruler with trumpetings, and farewells him with hootings, only to welcome another with trumpetings again. 

"Pity the nation whose sages are dumb with years and whose strong men are yet in the cradle. 

"Pity the nation divided into fragments, each fragment deeming itself a nation."

Flaming Gizmos

I'll never understand women! Yesterday Hayley received a new phone - or rather it arrived while she was out. Did she rush home on being informed of its arrival to start playing with it and reviewing the functionality? No! When she got home, did she caress it and start drooling at the mouth? No! It was about a couple of hours before she even looked at it, and even then she simply put a few numbers in it before tossing it to one side. Incredible! 

I note the Olympic flame went out yesterday during the ceremony of the lighting of the torch in Greece. Not sure whether that's a prophetic indictment of Greece's future or the UK Olympics.

Sassoon

The Chairman is saddened to hear that Vidal Sassoon has died.

Heard an interview with him last year - it may have been on Desert Island Discs. He certainly led a colourful, interesting and fulfilled life. That's a lot more than you can say about most of the celebs around these days.

Relaunch?

Is it perhaps prophetic that the ConDem coalition relaunches itself in the year of the centenary of the sinking of the Titanic?

Austerity Loses Out to Populism

The French have voted against austerity, as have the Greeks. The Brits too had a poke at austerity with the local elections.

What do you do when you have no money in your current account? You rein back on your spending, naturally. But the electorate seems to think this is a bad idea and that government should spend more, purloining cash from whatever sources it can (and that usually means the well off).

Politics does seems to pander to the worst in us, and we therefore get what we deserve - or what we vote for. 

Democracy is fine when there's plenty of money in the kitty, but I can't help feeling that some other form of government is needed it times of crisis. Perhaps the position of dictator, as constituted under the Roman Republic. 

Unfortunately, the word dictator has come to assume a pejorative connotation, despite it working admirably for 500 odd years under the Roman Republic.

I wonder if Angela Merkel would be willing to accept the position on behalf of Europe?

Propaganda for Risotto & Traditional Conservative Values

We went out for lunch yesterday at a nice little place in Nailsworth called Wild Garlic. Highly recommended; however, Hayley had a risotto that was made of potatoes, which is a new one on me.

Risotto is an Italian word and is derived from 'ris', which is rice, and 'otto', which everyone having a knowledge of rudimentary Itanglish knows means hot (when speaking English, the Italians tend to drop the aitch and add a spurious vowel at the end - ususally an 'a' or an 'o'). Oh, and they wave their hands around expressively; not at all English!

Ref my comment yesterday about Cameron's constant bleating about the mess he inherited from Labour wearing a bit thin; I did a bit of rudimentary research and discovered Barak Obama says exactly the same things about the 'mess' he inherited from the Bush administration - and Obama is socialist.

Seems everyone currently in power wants to blame the global financial melt-down on their immediate predecessors' politics - regardless of whether they were to the left or the right and the actual truth of the matter. I suppose that's what's called politics; I call it political propaganda.

Following their massive defeat in local elections, backbench Conservatives are now saying they should return to traditional Conservative values. These are:

Natural law and transcendent moral order.
AKA CofE homophobia and misogyny and: "We know what's best for you - God told us."

Tradition and custom.
AKA a reactionary stance; a return to fox hunting and hanging.

Hierarchy and organic unity.
AKA feudalism and the class system.

Agrarianism.
AKA huntin', shootin' and fishin'.

Classicism and high culture.
AKA theatre, opera and art galleries funded by cuts in social spending.

Patriotism, localism, regionalism.
AKA chauvinism, imperialism and foisting elected Mayors on the big cities where Labour or the Liberals have control, in the hope they can have a 2nd go at wresting control back.

There's nothing really wrong with that, in fact I welcome it; at least you know where they stand, rather than this inexorable chase after the mass middle ground which makes all parties look similar, masks their true intent and doesn't provide a real choice for the electorate.

I think that's what people abhor about politicians today - they are rapacious wolves dressed in the sheep's clothing of the middle ground. Mmm - I like that turn of phrase.

Art for Art's Sake in the Pursuit of Democratic Superbugs

A bit of builder graffiti I found in the house (click to enlarge):

It could be called naive art. I must add that it's on a spare bit of plasterboard.

Colin and Barry are our builders, but so too is Blaine, who is Barry's son. Blaine does not partake in the rivalry or ribaldry and merely turns up an hour before anyone else and just gets down to it.

There's a report in the news that hospital staff washing the crap off their hands has had a great effect in tackling superbugs. I'd never have guessed that - never realised that pathogens were dangerous, but there again, I guess some hospital staff were oblivious to that too.

You know, the irony of all these Labour council gains is that Milliband will interpret it as a vote of confidence in his leadership, which I'm 100% certain it ain't. Wish the bugger would just disappear and make room for his big brother. Ed is just riding a wave of anti-Cameron sentiment.

As far as the London Mayoral election goes, no matter which of the two main candidates won, it was a dead cert that the winner would be a twit. The only reason the Tory twit won was because he is one of the few Tories who has openly criticised Cameron's policies.

About an 8th of the population of Bristol has voted to have a Mayor - God alone knows why! More self-publicists vying for a position of power in an elective dictatorship that is totally unnecessary and has the potential to emasculate local councillors. It's an extra cost burden too - haven't we got enough politicians as it is? We may as well have an American style system where we vote for the PM as well as MPs - utterly senseless and anti-democratic, if you ask me.

The ultimate democracy is where each citizen is represented individually in government. Now that's not feasible in anything except an ancient Greek city state where only a very few were eligible to vote in the first place. Pragmatically we thus vote for a local person to represent a group of us. Each step toward the voting block becoming larger is a step away from democracy; each step toward more localised voting is a step toward democracy, as it almost guarantees representation. A mayor from only one political party is inherently less democratic than a council comprising many local representatives of different perspectives.

Just think about it - the Republicans are not currently represented at all in the office of the US Presidency, but they are in the Senate. Similarly, Labour and the other parties are not represented in the London Mayor, but they are in local councils. I can't think of a single benefit that an elected Mayor brings.

Cameron's mantra of: "The financial mess we inherited from Labour," is starting the wear a bit thin now, don't you think. It's not as if the entire western hemisphere was governed by Labour at the time of the financial crisis....

What is Good Art? A Shiny Thing!

Overheard in the Pub:

Caravan has just commented about that awful daub of a dummy by Edvard Munch fetching $120m and The Chairman had given vent to his usual (and predictable), reactionary rant against Expressionism.

Hay: "That's the purpose of art; it should challenge the viewer."

Chairman: "The Mona Lisa didn't challenge anyone."

Hay: "It challenged Mona Lisa - she didn't look anything like that. She was really pissed off by all accounts."

Good art is like good food - totally subjective. The problem is that some slavishly follow what the art critic (or collector) says. Oh, and it also gives you something to argue about down the pub - like religion and politics.

I see the new Samsung shiny thing is out. Time was when mobile phones were as large as a brick and the aim was to miniaturise them down to a nano-particle. Now the aim seems to be to make them the size of these massive TV screens.

On-Line Drawbacks for Celebrity MI6 Plods

Discovered a major drawback of on-line insurance companies. 

Want to insure the new build, but our address (despite having been registered with the Post Office a while ago) doesn't yet appear on the automated address system of Go Compare. Obviously they only update their system infrequently in batch mode. It's going to have to be a manumatic high street insurer!

The Queen visited somewhere hereabouts yesterday and it was all over the local news. I detest the celebrity culture that follows these people. Even their weddings are screened on TV - how tacky can you get.

The police are a bit pissed off that MI6 had crawled all over the belongings of that intelligence officer who was found dead in a bag and failed to hand over some evidence. I'm hardly surprised it wasn't handed over - the last thing you want is for national secrets to fall into the hands of your average Plod. The police seem to be as leaky as a collander, especially given the recent stories about certain people in the force being a bit too close to newspapers, etc.

A couple of swifts nested in the house last spring, as there were no windows in it at the time. They've come back again this year and are circling the place looking for a way in. Hay swears she saw one trying to lift some slates off the roof with a crowbar.

Rolf Harris was on The One Show last night and was asked to critique some 'paintings' by three six year-olds. I was bitterly disappointed when he didn't award a 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize, thereby permanently crushing the fragile self esteem of at least two of the kids on national prime time TV in a character-building exercise that would prepare them for real life.

Come On, If You Think You're Tough Enough!

I hear the Americans have given Al Qaeda an even larger target in New York in the form of a building called One World Trade Centre. Apparently it's the highest building in the western hemisphere, which kind of says to Al Qaeda: "Come and get us." They've even put a large metal pinnacle on it to aid radar identification from the air. 

Rupert Murdoch has been branded as 'not fit to run a major international company' by MPs. Despite it not being a Murdoch paper that broke the MPs' expenses scandal, one can't help feeling there's a bit of pay-back contained in this. Although I'm no great fan of Murdoch, the words pot kettle and black come to mind with respect to MPs - I'm certain there is a large number of MPs who are not fit to be MPs, or Lords to be Lords.

Despite No.1 son having an ethnically Latvian mother and an Anglo-Dutch father, I'm considering applying for Irish citizenship for him in preparation for university.

Seems it's rather dangerous to be an athlete at the moment - they're dropping dead like flies. Footballers, hurlers, cyclists, swimmers - must be the Olympic Effect and all those missiles.

Olympic War Games in Badminton Garden

Surface to Air missiles at strategic sites around the Olympic venue! Whatever next - Polaris subs in the swimming pools?

The Badminton Horse Trials, just up the road, have been cancelled due to the weather. Was thinking of inviting them to hold it in our field, but it would make a helluva a mess!

Screed went down yesterday. At first it looked like someone had tipped the entire contents of their garden into our living room. Looked just like rich, dark soil.

However, once smoothed out it looked superb.

Walk dry in 48 hours and then an additional day per millimetre, of which there are 75. I think I may have said that in a previous post.