Sock Universe Times

Further to Saturday's theory of bubble universes being created by my keys, and other items, ripping apart the spacetime continuum under the influence of vacuum fluctuations; I have developed the theory a little further.

Some universes created by items you think you've lost are oscillating universes; i.e. they expand for some billions of their years and then contract again into a singularity, the other side of which is our universe - the origin universe. The logical consequence of this is that the object you have lost (normally a key, or something reasonably dense) rematerialises, but not where you know, with the certainty that only someone over 60 possesses, that you last put it. That is best explained by the fact the centre of the bubble universe the lost object created may have moved many billions of lightyears within its own spatio-temporal reference frame, but that could be just a few metres from the position in which the object disappeared within our universe (it's all relative). One benefit of this theory is that you can now stop blaming your wife for moving your keys.

This part of the theory will be of interest to the ladies. Now some items have a proclivity to create bubble universes with a positive cosmological constant, meaning they undergo accelerating expansion and suffer a heat death, with no chance of ever collapsing again to form a singularity. The consequence is that the lost items never return and are permanently trapped in the interstices of spacetime as a dying universe. The objects that generally behave in this manner are less dense, such as socks, especially ones which enter the washing machine in pairs. Now, as all quantum physicists know, a pair of socks are quantum entangled; this means you can take a pair of socks, separate them over vast distances and observing the state of one sock  will let you know immediately the state of the other - if one is unwashed, then other will be unwashed; if one is clean, the other will be clean; if one has holes the other will have holes; of one is black, the other will be black. There's obviously some field produced by washing machines, possibly a form of warp drive, that, a) breaks the quantum entanglement of a pair of socks, and b) produces the positive cosmological constant such that one of the pair winks out of existence, never to be seen again,  leaving its companion bereft and isolated within the washing machine drum. Toe cheese could also be the culprit and sentient life forms are highly likely within such universes (especially those of the Trump variety, which are not that highly evolved, but nonetheless have some basic thought processes).

Is it me, or has the once informative Sunday Times magazine slowly transformed into a lifestyle magazine? Hay noticed something similar during her stay in Whitby - what was once known as a chip shop has now become a purveyor of "street food",  and in a cone too.