Britain Has Gone Mad

I have finally reached the point where I can no longer pretend this country is functioning. Every morning we get a new rule from a quango nobody remembers creating. You cannot park here unless you attend a webinar. You cannot put your bin out unless you have downloaded the app. You cannot get a GP appointment unless you solve a riddle on the surgery website. Britain is now governed by laminated notices and software updates.

Meanwhile the NHS has so many managers that there are managers to supervise the managers writing notes about the managers. You go into a hospital and find four fluorescent jackets timing each other while one nurse sprints about looking for a bed that has technically been abolished. And yet the nation’s angriest voices insist the real problem is ten dinghies a day, as if the asylum seekers are sneaking round our houses at night unplugging MRI machines.

The energy system does not escape blame either. We have wind turbines sprouting from the countryside like oversized dandelions, yet our bills mysteriously float upward whenever an algorithm feels capricious. France, meanwhile, pays less and manages not to hold a national investigation into why gravity works differently for them.

And still, still, nobody will accept the obvious truth. Britain has been taken over. Not by Brussels or migrants or elites no, by consultants, app designers, LinkedIn gurus, middle managers, and people whose job titles sound like rejected band names. The country is run by dashboards, drop down menus, and automated emails telling you not to reply. Confusion is now our primary export.

So I have devised a set of policies that would sort the country out overnight. Nobody in Westminster will admit they are needed. That is how you know they would work.

First, scrap GDP and replace it with a national efficiency rating based on how quickly people can order at Costa. Anyone taking more than 14 seconds pays a surtax. This alone would raise enough money to rebuild every school and repair every roundabout that has been awaiting consultation since 2014.

Second, immigration. Forget points based nonsense. Forget work visas. We need something simple. Impose a height limit. Only people between 5 foot 6 and 5 foot 10 allowed in. Not discriminatory scientific. Think of the savings on public transport alone.

Third, conscription. But not for the young they are already exhausted. Conscript the over 60s. They enjoy complaining, they have perfected queuing, and they can hold their ground like no other demographic. Deploy them to the Channel. Nobody is getting past a wall of pensioners armed with travel kettles and thermos flasks.

Fourth, abolish Parliament entirely and replace it with a televised obstacle course. The party that completes it fastest forms the government. At least we would know our leaders can climb a rope, which is more than we can say for most Cabinets of the last decade.

Fifth, and I stand by this despite the abuse I will receive, sell Wales. Beautiful scenery, wonderful people, but nobody outside Britain can pronounce the towns and Netflix would pay a fortune for the filming rights. The proceeds could be used to abolish kettle safety switches and restore the nation’s backbone. After all, things only went downhill once kettles became idiot proof.

This is the future Britain deserves. Not more excuses, not more forms, not more webinars about bins. Real leadership. Bold thinking. Policies that would terrify the consultants running the place.

So if you disagree, explain who is running the country. Because from where I am sitting, the only consistent policy we actually have is making things slightly worse every year and then blaming someone else for it usually someone in a dinghy.

I am tired of pretending this is normal.