State Visit Conversation

An imagined conversation between Trump and King Charles at the forthcoming State Visit:

King Charles: Delighted to join you for the celebrations. Two hundred and fifty years is quite an interval to hold a grudge.

Donald Trump: Not a grudge. A win. Big win. We beat you. Still counts.

King Charles: Yes, I had noticed the outcome seems to have settled the matter.

Trump: Totally settled. Nobody wants Britain back.

King Charles: Quite. One finds that once a population has expressed a clear preference, and fought to secure it, the question tends to resolve itself. The Americans managed it in 1776. The Falklanders rather later.

Trump: That was different.

King Charles: I am sure it always is.

Trump: The Falklands. I’m looking at it. Might change our position.

King Charles: On what grounds?

Trump: Deals. Leverage. You help me, I help you.

King Charles: I had rather thought the wishes of the inhabitants might carry some weight.

Trump: They voted, right?

King Charles: Overwhelmingly.

Trump: I like decisive results.

King Charles: As do others, when ballots are conducted in suitably persuasive conditions.

Trump: Strong leadership.

King Charles: Indeed. One hears Vladimir Putin excels at it.

Trump: He gets things done.

King Charles: So it would appear.

Trump: China too. Very strong on Taiwan.

King Charles: Provided the question is framed correctly.

Trump: You’ve got to ask the right question.

King Charles: And ensure the answer does not prove inconvenient.

Trump: Exactly.

King Charles: A flexible approach to principle.

Trump: That’s politics.

King Charles: So I am told.

Trump: Anyway, small islands. Not many people.

King Charles: Small populations can be remarkably clear about who governs them. You may recall the difficulty America once had here.

Trump: We were very clear.

King Charles: “We”? Your family was British at the time. Scots, if I recall.

Trump: That’s different.

King Charles: Naturally.

Trump: Your son Harry. Not good. Says things. Disrespectful.

King Charles: Families can be complicated. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind me criticising your children. What’s good for a President is good for a King.

Trump: That’s not the same.

King Charles: No, I rather thought you might say that.

Trump: My kids are great. Very successful.

King Charles: As are mine. The distinction, I gather, lies in whether one calls it tradition or nepotism.

Trump: My kids are loyal.

King Charles: Loyalty is invaluable. Particularly when it runs in the expected direction. Mine are Royal.

Trump: They know what works.

King Charles: As, I suspect, do the voters of the Falklands.

Trump: Still thinking about that one.

King Charles: Naturally. A question of principle.

Trump: And deals.

King Charles: Yes. One sees the tension.

Trump: Big anniversary. You must be proud.

King Charles: Proud, certainly. Though perhaps not in quite the way you mean.

Trump: You lost, we won.

King Charles: And yet here we are, marking the result together. Time, it seems, has a way of settling these matters.

Trump: Unless someone reopens them.

King Charles: One hopes not.