Orthodoxy of Trade Pilgrimage

The grave holding the remains of Adolf Hitler's deputy Rudolf Hess has been destroyed to stop it being used as a pilgrimage site by Daily Mail readers.

Did you know that until this week, any beverage containing less than 10% alcohol was classed by the Russian government as a foodstuff? Unbelievable!

I hear Eurozone finance ministers have administered a shot of £93.3bn to the Greek economy to stop it imploding. Isn't that like treating an alcoholic with alcohol?

I also hear Prince is to quit being a UK trade envoy, but what a popular American singer/songwriter was doing promoting UK trade is anyone's guess.

Just Teach 'Em

All schools in England should channel university scholarships to their poorest pupils, the deputy Liberal Democrat leader Simon Hughes has said.

I'd be happy if they just taught kids to read, write and do sums, regardless of their backgrounds. Now that would be a vast improvement.

Separated at Birth by a Custard Pie

I was watching BBC reporter John Sergeant doing a piece on TV the other night and it struck me how much he looks like the comedienne Jo Brand. Separated at Birth?

Speaking of media people, I hear Rupert Murdoch, the media tycoon, has been linked to sleazy MPs.

Rumour has it that the police had a trestle table set up outside the select committee meeting room and were offering all and sundry who wanted them some nice big custard pies.

Sweetie Success

We've discovered how to successfully hide sweeties and chocolate from No.1 son - put them in the packaging of healthy looking foods, such as muesli packets or sachets of nuts.

I wonder if he'll read this.

Enemy Spy Plane Incoming

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman's No.1 son is playing Call of Duty (Black Ops) on his PS3 and the words; "Enemy spy plane incoming," are heard coming repeatedly from his room.

Hay: "That would be a brilliant name for a rock band."

British Airways Sells Snake Oil

When flying out to Italy on British Airways, I saw one of these jobbies being sold onboard through the in-flight magazine.

This is being advertised as an energising bracelet made by LunaVit, for the princely sum of £59.99, which is a rip-off of the highest order.

Have a look at the blurb (click on the image to expand) and notice how it is a master class of slippery suggestion, without actually making any definite scientific claim of efficacy (in fact, the company website contains a disclaimer). Anyone purchasing one of these items deserves to be ripped off.

It makes a claim that the bracelet emits deep infra-red radiation - what that means is it reflects your own body heat, as all metals do when placed on the skin. It can't emit any itself, as it has no power source.

It is claimed it has all manner of approvals (CE mark, FDA approval, etc.). That simply means it won't kill you, not that it works.

It is claimed that the magnets in the device refresh you; there's not a shred of scientific evidence for that claim. The magnets are .06 Tesla in strength - that's less than a fridge magnet. They are also polarized on bio north; magnets are polarized only to magnetic north and south - I have no idea what bio north is and it's probably marketing mumbo-jumbo.

If magnets produced any health benefits, then people having undergone MRI would feel totally rejuvenated after a scan - they don't.

On the return flight I wanted to buy a bottle of gin. The staff were making their way down the aisle with the duty free trolley, I looked out of the window for a few seconds and meanwhile they had done a Shergar past my row and were at the back of the aircraft.

I pressed the call-button in the hope of attracting one of the flight attendants, but it took 15 minutes before any of them noticed the light, by which time it was 5 minutes to landing. When one of them did notice the light, they simply came to my row, switched off the light and did a runner before I could say anything. So much for customer service from the world's favourite airline.

Kitty is certain her mobile phone has been hacked.

Tempus Fugit

Overheard in the Caravan:

The Chairman has just returned from Milan, having tried a Cartier Eau de Cologne at the airport duty free (which is an oxymoron, as you can get anything in a duty free cheaper on the streets). It must be noted that The Chairman doesn't usually wear foo-foo.

Hay: "Mmmm, that foo-foo you're wearing smells nice, what is it?"

Chairman: "Oh, I can't remember the manufacturer...... they make watches."

Hay: "Timex Pour Homme?"

PS - given a choice of Paris or Rome, give me Rome any day. Can't see what people see in Paris - hideous place, all white with homogeneous architecture. Look down over Paris from atop the Eiffel Tower and it looks the same in every direction.

When in Rome

Experienced (or rather suffered) Roman driving for the first time last night. It didn't help that my driver was my Israeli colleague, who himself has a habit of stalling the car. Was scared shitless!

I'm going to be here quite frequently in the future, but there is no way I am ever going to hire a car and drive here.

Met this chap while scouting for a restaurant.

I think he must have lost his legion somewhere in northern Britain.

Milan this afternoon.

Basket Case?

If the Euro is a basket case, then why was I getting nearly 1 for 1 against the £ (with commission and service charges) at Travelex yesterday?

If Italy is the next country to become a financial basket case, why does it cost 10 Euros for a bowl of cereal or a yoghurt, 16 Euros for a tomato and mozzarella salad and 13 Euros for a bowl of soup?

I thought the wines were good value at between 11 and 17 Euros (it being Italy), before I realised it was for a glass and not a bottle.

If you're thinking of holidaying in Italy - don't. I now fully expect European finance ministers to criticise my recommendation and accuse me of starting a run on the banks throughout Europe.

Also try to avoid LHR T5 like the plague - it's like Tesco on a Saturday morning, except the goods on display are overpriced and tacky. The only normal shop there is WH Smith; the rest I wouldn't step into if my life depended on it.

Particularly avoid the ersatz sushi shop - the food is a monstrous facsimile of Japanese food at the price of the genuine article, but looked so obviously 'English' as to be off-putting to anyone who has eaten real Japanese food. It looked like Japanese food from the Tesco Value range. Hideous!

Immigration Responsibilities 7

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay and the Chairman are watching a naturalist on TV handling some lemurs.

Hay: "Aaah - can't we get one of those?"

Chairman: "What's his name?"

Hay: "The presenter? Terry Nutkins."

Chairman: "No, we're not getting a Terry Nutkins. Anyway, didn't he use to be a squirrel?"

International Court of Human Responsibilities

Did you hear about the fat bloke who is taking his local NHS Trust to court to force them to give him a gastric band as a human right? I sometimes think we should set up a Court of Human Responsibilities.

He maintains an extreme calorie-restricted diet has failed to have any effect on his weight, which is an outright lie, as he is saying physics is wrong. What he's actually saying is that he's not sticking to his diet and stuffing his face. If you reduce your calorie intake below that being burned, you must lose weight.

This bloke should be prosecuted for wasting NHS resources.

Immigration & the Queue

Forgot to mention my little kerfuffle with immigration on Saturday evening when returning to the UK.

The immigration queues at LHR Terminal 5 were at their usual couple of hundred metres long. After some 15 minutes of queueing I noticed there was a separate underpopulated area for e-passports. I checked my passport, and surprise surprise, mine was indeed an e-passport.

I left the manual queue and joined the queue of about 5 other people for e-passports, only to be told by a female official that the e-passport queue was now closed and I should go back to the manual immigration queue - obviously going to the back of it and spending at least another half hour queueing.

I blew a fuse and bellowed; "Do you know who I am?" to which the official responded she hadn't the faintest - obviously. I then said; "Well, if you don't allow me through you'll certainly know who I am, as I will become your worst nightmare." I and a couple of fellow queuers were then allowed to pass through the e-passport cubicles with no further problem, although I dare say my cards (or passport) are marked.

The 1st rule of Queue Management (and don't forget that the Brits are grand masters of the orderly queue) is that if you are going to close a queue, you make sure everyone who is likely to leave another queue for your queue is stopped from so doing before you close your queue. To do otherwise is bound to lead to mass violence and blood-letting.

Beckhams in Tribute to Logan's Run

The Beckhams have had a daughter who they have named Harper 7, obviously as a tribute to the 1976 sci-fi film Logan's Run.

It's Tuesday, so I'm off to Italy till Friday - may be late in posting.