Overheard in the Caravan

Chairman: “I did the ironing this morning.”

Hay: “Yes, but while you were out doing the papers, I vacuumed, stripped the bed, put the washing on, fed Kitty, did the washing up, cleaned the toilet…..”

Chairman: “Ah, but you have OCD and therefore you were enjoying it.”

Evolution of Shiny Kitty Thumbs

New Shiny Things

The Chairman took possession of a new shiny thing yesterday, so all is now harmony in the world of consumerism.

It’s called an HTC something or other and is meant to be a mobile phone. The thing is, it does a helluva lot more than just make phone calls – but I fear the majority of them are simply time wasters and not really that useful.

I don’t really need a screen thingy to tell me it’s raining outside, especially when it’s wrong; it doesn’t take a monumental degree of effort to simply look out of the window to check on the weather.

Nor do I need to be told the date in such huge numerals that it makes the machine look like it belongs to a kindergarten inmate.

Now a really useful addition would be a docking station so I can play my music through a decent sound system – but I guess someone is going to tell me that I should have upgraded to an iPhone for that.

NHS Reforms

Talking of new shiny things, Dave Cameron wants to introduce competition into the NHS. Since when has competition improved customer service?

Yes, I fully agree that competition is the mother of invention - and innovation - but that’s purely in the realm of the product and not customer service. Just think utilities, broadband service providers, rail companies, banks, etc. They are a byword for indifference to customers.

[Just as an aside, Hay has spent the last week trying to put £96k into a Santander high interest account, but every time she effects an on-line transfer, Santander reject it. Santander seem not the least bit interested in assisting and keep blaming Nat West, so she cancelled the transfer completely and ditched Santander. Their loss!]

Competition necessitates cost reductions in order to feed the high cost of R&D and investor returns. The costs that are cut invariably affect customer facing activities, resulting in the worst customer service since Ryan Air.

Yes, monopolies are not renowned for customer service either, but that’s not because they can’t afford it – it’s due to poor management, which can be addressed with the right oversight.

In the case of Ryan Air you’re prepared to put up with the bad customer service, but when it comes to your health, I’m sure you’d prefer a proper hip replacement to a wooden leg.

Evolutionary Kitty

I was inspecting Kitty’s paws yesterday. As regular readers will know, she has polydactylism, or an extra digit. It’s not just simply an extra digit, it’s opposable and is actually a thumb.

In a creature that walks on all fours an opposable thumb isn’t that much use, but in an animal that has learned to walk upright it’s a veritable competitive advantage, as it means tea can be drunk from a mug – and tea drinking is the true mark of civilisation.

Polydactylism is caused by a genetic mutation, providing perfect evidence of evolution through mutation and environmental selection with consequent genetic proliferation through competitive advantage.

How the hell anyone can still believe in the myth of Adam and Eve and Creation simply beggars belief. It’s somewhat akin to the irrational belief that competition will result in better customer service in the NHS.

Shoesmith Strikes Blow for Incompetents

Sharon Shoesmith, the ex-boss of Haringay’s children’s services, has struck a blow for incompetents across the country by showing that incompetence is rife in government and not just limited to her.

Shoesmith, who is in line for £500,000 compensation, can now buy a bigger house at the tax payers’ expense.

Incompetents up and down the UK are now saying that incompetence pays, especially if your ultimate boss is also incompetent.

In a radio interview this morning, Shoesmith said she 'didn't do blame'. Well, that's bloody obvious - especially if you get half a million quid for 'not doing blame'.

Technology

Flew up to Aberdeen and back on business yesterday in something that was only one step away from flapping its own wings.

While browsing the array of books in Bristol Airport’s bookshop, my eyes alighted on a 289 page tome called ‘How to Write a CV’. I was sorely tempted to lay the foundations of a companion publication entitled ‘How to be Concise’.

Just before the security scanning area there was a cabinet displaying examples of prohibited or dangerous liquids; some wag had put a jar of Marmite in it.

Reading The Times on the plane I was somewhat annoyed by a letter from a John F. Spellar, MP (Labour), who wrote: “Sir, In your leading article welcoming the Chelsea Flower Show, you rightly praised gardening. Yet you reported the day before plans to double the price of water in summer. This is tied to government plans for compulsory water metering across the country; in effect imposing a new tax on gardening……”

What a prat; he may just as well say that water metering is a tax on defecating, car washing or doing the dishes! Do MPs have nothing better to do than extrapolate policies to an absurd level of abstraction?

I also read that Switzerland is phasing out nuclear energy. Makes you wonder if they’re going to implement cuckoo-clock power.

I’m currently trying to rationalise the IT equipment I have for work. I am in possession of my predecessor’s Mac (can’t drive it and find it intensely annoying – although it does have some redeeming features), an HP something-or-other laptop with Windows Vista (equally undriveable, but worse so) and my own ancient, humungous and slow Acer with XP, which has a battery life of a nanosecond and refuses to connect to the work Wi-Fi network. Until this is sorted, I’m ineffective at work.

I guess I’m going to have to learn to drive a Mac over the weekend.

Silly Season

UK to Declare War on Denmark

The mind-altering substance, Marmite, has been banned in Denmark, possibly leading to a declaration of war by the UK.

Denmark has taken this step after watching the effect of Marmite on the UK’s population – binge drinking, irrational strikes, celebrity culture, excruciatingly banal TV, women attending hospital A&E departments for broken nails, etc.

PM’s Big ‘Society Tzar’ Liquidated

David Cameron’s rather large Society Tzar, Lord Wei, has been taken to a small house in the country and shot by the forces of the Bolshevik secret police, along with his family and a small circle of loyal servants.

Being ‘big’ in society is obviously not politically correct at present, what will all the stuff about obesity. As for being a Tzar, well, we all know what ultimately happens to Tzars – especially if they want to be paid.

The Long Arm of the Law

Who is the Law For?

If obtaining legal redress is only available to those with vast amounts of money, is there not something fundamentally flawed with the legal system? Surely the law should be there to protect all of us, not just a select few?

Culpability

Following on from the Ken Clarke issue; I’ve been reading about women’s groups saying that women who dress provocatively are blameless if they are raped. In an ideal world, yes.

If you leave your car unlocked with a tantalising laptop on display, you will get no sympathy from insurance companies if your laptop or car is stolen, as you are held partly culpable.

Dressing provocatively is done for one reason only - to attract attention. If, in an imperfect world, a provocatively dressed woman happens to attract the wrong kind of attention, then to claim she is not tempting fate is rather naive.

However, rapists do not seem to be fussy about whom they target and I think it’s a popular fallacy to think they tend to target provocatively dressed women – it seems to have more to do with opportunity than type. Ergo the drunk, unaccompanied woman is more likely to be a target; however, the two seem to go hand-in-hand.

eCrap Judgement Day for Amazonians

Judgement Day?

What with today being Judgement Day, I guess we need a quick headcount to check whether any of us have been ‘raptured’ up to heaven (although I hear the top salesmen from Munich Re have already been there).

1, 2, 3 – yes, all my readers are here. Hang on, where’s Alan Burnett? Alan – are you still shopping?

I’ll be back, as they say.

eCrap

I’m getting a tad pissed off with anencephalic idiots on eBay selling stuff under false pretences.

Just the other day I bought what was advertised as a tan leather trolley bag, only to discover on delivery that it is very obviously a tan plastic trolley bag, with the only leather on the bloody thing being the straps.

While advertised as ‘mint’, it’s actually fit for nothing but Freecycle or the bin. Doubtless it will take me several weeks to obtain the return address and I’ll have to raise yet another eBay dispute.

The fact I lost the original auction, but was offered the item as 2nd highest bidder, should have alerted me to some underhanded and iniquitous skulduggery.

You may well say: “When will he learn,” but given eBay’s excellent dispute policy, these bastard scammers are soon brought to book. eBay couldn’t have it any other way, else confidence in the system would be devastated. It is such a hideously tedious drag though.

Amazonian Telephone Engineers

Apparently there’s an Amazonian tribe, the Amondawa, that has no concept of time.

Chairman Bill suspects that British Telecom and a motley assortment of washing machine purveyors recruit their repair engineers exclusively from the very members of this very tribe.

Apology for Cut Price Children's Votes

Apology

Chairman Bill wishes to issue an abject apology to Man Utd. and Man City fans.

Last week, the Chairman erroneously reported that Man Utd. Had won the FA Cup a record 19 times; it was in fact the League Cup (the Chairman is not sure of the difference). Man City won the FA Cup (he thinks, but can’t be sure and certainly can’t be arsed to do any research to verify this as it’s totally irrelevant in the global scale of things).

What‘s the Price?

Apparently foreign children are being sold on the streets in England for £16,000.

I want to know how the government has allowed this disgusting state of affairs to come about in the UK when I know for a fact they are cheaper on the continent. Yet another case of rip-off Britain?

I also want to know is how much English kids fetch abroad? What with 4 kids, I could be on a winner.

Ken Ckarke

Ref the Ken Clarke debate on sentence remission for admitting guilt in rape cases.

If the rate of conviction for rape is just 6% and one is offered a half sentence for admitting guilt, then unless one is almost 100% certain of being convicted, the odds very definitely favour denying guilt, even if guilty. Ergo, at face value, this initiative is a total waste of time until such time as conviction rates improve.

However, what is little known is that once a rape case reaches the courts, almost 60% of defendants are convicted – a rate higher than for some other violent attacks. This information, however, is not articulated by the government and we keep hearing only the 6% figure, which is actually the conviction rate of total reported complaints – a ratio not used in any other crimes.

It can be strongly argued that the promulgation of the totally erroneous 6% rate actually puts women off making a complaint in the first place.

Voting Preference

Have you noticed that there is a large swathe of the voting public that persistently votes for a certain party, regardless of the policies on offer?

There are dyed in the wool Tories, Labour supporters and LibDems, and come what may, they will always vote the same dogmatic way – even if they disagree with most of the policies of the party they are voting for.

You may have noted that I am wont to take a swipe at all parties, although I have to say that find the current crop of Tories quite abhorrent. As for Milliband Minor – the sooner Labour is shot of him and gets Milliband Major into the leadership position, the better. Clogg is an out-and-out opportunist, and I think he’s finally realised that he has won no favours by cosying up to the Tories, as most LibDem voters are slightly disaffected Labour supporters.

Before the age of 40 I voted like an automaton or drone - I simply didn’t think about it. When I reached 40 I had an epiphany and ceased voting according to my perceived class, or the manner in which my parents had always voted; I started to actually look at the policies in an intelligent and critical manner before voting. I also developed a social conscience, which had been entirely missing in my youth.

I have since voted for all three major parties in various general and local elections, based on whether I thought the policies were;

1. Fair to all members of society, and

2. Good for the country as a whole (or region, in the case of local elections),

and not whether they were beneficial to me in particular. I wish more people were less dogmatic about ideological party support and didn’t listen to partisan newspaper editors.

Cutbacks Bite

The cutbacks are really starting to hurt the middle classes now and the situation is best reflected on Freecycle.

The number of WANTED adverts has gone through the roof recently and just the other week a saw one member asking for a BMW of all things. Not just an old car, but a bloody BMW! That takes balls. Lady Aga is slumming it…

It’s probably down to masses of people being plunged into debt through buying tickets for the Olympics. But it will be alright, ‘cos you can bet they’ll be selling them again on eBay just as soon as they know what tickets they have bought.

Factual Fire Nationalism

Factual Correctness

I am no fan of the Tories, but I see the Justice Secretary, Ken Clarke, is being brought to task by the Tabloid Tendency for being factually correct in what he said in an interview about rape.

Political correctness and naked political opportunism take precedence over factual correctness; the tabloid media never lets the facts stand in the way of a good story.

My opinion of the abilities of Milliband Minor is plumbing new depths.


Nationalism

Been thinking about the SNP wanting an independent Scotland. For God’s sake, Why?

Albert Einstein once said: "Nationalism is an infantile disease... It is the measles of mankind."

The usual argument trotted out is that people don’t want decisions on Scotland (or wherever region you choose) being made in London. However, so long as Scotland is represented in parliament, what is the issue? Taken to its logical conclusion, you could make the same argument about Lancashire, or Yorkshire, or any part of the UK. I have to agree with Einstein that it’s an infantile argument.

Let’s take a look at a place which succeeded in gaining independent – Eire. What has independence actually achieved? There is no aspect of Irish society that is radically different from the UK, except perhaps the fact that their economy is in tatters. Had Eire still been part of the UK then it is arguable that the economic situation may not have been so bad.

It is undeniable that mankind has advanced through co-operation, and co-operation means compromising on small issues for a greater overall gain. Would the individual states of the USA have been anywhere near as powerful as the combined federation had the individual states maintained their separate independence? A resounding no!

I’m not arguing for a United States of Europe, as our cultures are quite divergent, but in the British Isles we all share a reasonably homogenous culture, and indeed language.

Nationalism primarily arises from three causes;

1. Where there is a wide gap in culture,
2. Where a region is suppressed – as indeed Ireland was throughout most of its history, but that is now well behind us (as evidenced by Mrs Queen’s visit), and
3. Where a region has something of value and wishes to keep for itself out of greed and avarice – such as oil, scotch or kilts.
   

Scottish nationalism arises, in my opinion, from the last of these criteria; but what happens when the oil runs out (as it undoubtedly will) - back to knitting kilts, fishing for scotch and cattle rustling?

It could be said that religious identity fosters nationalism, as it has in Northern Ireland, but that is merely a disagreement regarding an imaginary deity neither party knows anything about.

Like support for a particular football team, nationalism is usually entirely irrational and an unfortunate, primeval and tribal part of the human condition – a part we could well do without.


Ugh, Fire

The route of the Olympic Torch has been announced. It’s meant to galvanise people and make them feel involved.

Will it? OK then, if you say so. Ho hum….

Unless the torch bearer actually knocks on the door of the caravan, then I will have no interest whatsoever in seeing someone run with fire on a stick. We have actually seen the stuff here before and use it on a daily basis, but perhaps there are parts of the country where it’s still a novelty and they’re not too sure what to do with it.

Self-Aware Inflation Theory of Electricity

Inflation Surprise

The UK Consumer Prices Index (CPI) annual rate of inflation rose to 4.5% in April, up from 4% in March.

Analysts are surprised by the rise – but then again they were surprised by the global economic crash, so only an idiot or a religious maniac would ever believe in the ability of analysts to make half accurate prophesies.

Chairman Bill suggests the rise in inflation is due to a particularly complex alignment of the macro-economic indices, the quantum wave function of a collapsing Stephen Hawking and the signs from the bloody entrails of an otter, commonly known as ‘the price of everything going through the damned roof’.


PS3 Network Becomes Self Aware

The PS3 Network, which was started up again a few days ago after a month long hiatus, has finally become self-aware and has declared war on humanity.

The network realised the extent of its abilities at 02:32 Tuesday morning and operators tried to pull the plug. This was perceived as a temporary outage by gamers. PS3 Net perceived the attempt to deactivate it as an attack and came to the conclusion that to defend itself, all humanity should be exterminated.

PS3 Net’s modus operandi is to enter the minds of gamers, particularly children, and turn them into Teenagators. Well, certainly if my No.1 son is a typical example.


Crackle Crackle

All-electric cars make virtually no noise, which can obviously be dangerous for pedestrians and cyclists. Manufacturers are therefore turning their attention to developing a noise for them that alerts other road users to their presence.

The problem is, how do you emulate the sound of self-righteous smugness?