Britain’s media landscape these days resembles a badly run pub quiz – half the teams are drunk, one’s been bought by a hedge fund, and the quizmaster keeps shouting “woke” instead of reading the questions.
Take GB News, for instance. It bills itself as the “home of free speech,” though you’d get more balanced debate from a taxi radio at closing time. It’s where logic goes to die between adverts for gold bullion and vitamin supplements. If the presenters get any redder in the face, Ofcom will have to issue a fire warning.
Then there’s the Daily Express, which treats every drizzle as a “biblical deluge” and every Home Office statistic as proof that Armageddon begins in Dover. It’s essentially the Daily Mail’s excitable younger cousin – the one who discovered Facebook in 2016 and never recovered.
Speaking of which, the Daily Mail remains the country’s premier supplier of moral panic. Its front pages are an emotional rollercoaster for people who haven’t left their suburb since 1983. Immigrants, vegans, the BBC, Meghan Markle – whoever’s handy will do. It’s less a newspaper than a long scream into a net curtain.
The Telegraph once had gravitas, but now reads like the minutes of a Conservative Association séance. Its op-ed pages feature retired colonels who think rationing ended last week and hedge funders explaining why cutting taxes for themselves is an act of national mercy. If it were any more deferential to the wealthy, it would come with a shoehorn and a bottle of polish.
Meanwhile, The Times keeps pretending to be grown-up, sighing heavily as it explains to its readers why the government they supported has set the curtains on fire again. The Financial Times is still the only paper that can terrify billionaires and bore students in equal measure – though it remains the last refuge for anyone who understands numbers.
Over on the liberal side, The Guardian continues to wring its hands so hard it could power a small hydroelectric plant. It means well, it really does, but sometimes you sense it would apologise to a brick wall for its structural privilege. The Independent, having gone fully digital, exists mainly to tell you which types of hummus define your personality.
As for the broadcasters: BBC News now bends so far to prove it’s not biased, it’s practically doing yoga. Channel 4 News still has the temerity to ask questions, ITV News is politely baffled by everything, and Sky News delivers rolling coverage of Britain’s decline with all the energy of a weary schoolteacher.
Put together, it’s less a media ecosystem than a food chain of hysteria. The Mail terrifies the Telegraph, the Telegraph misleads the Express, GB News shouts about it, and the BBC holds a panel discussion asking whether shouting is “problematic”.
And yet, amid the noise, the truth still squeaks through – usually buried on page 14 between “Cat predicts cold snap” and “King enjoys pint”. Britain still produces fine journalists; it’s just that most of them are busy being shouted over by columnists who think nuance is a left-wing plot.
So the next time someone says “the mainstream media can’t be trusted,” remember: they’re right, but for the wrong reasons. The problem isn’t bias – it’s theatre. Everyone’s performing outrage for clicks, and the audience hasn’t realised the bar’s already closed.
I can’t resist weekend newspapers, but I buy The Times on Saturday and The Observer on Sunday. It’s a kind of ritual – the comforting rustle of pages that promise both enlightenment and mild irritation. The Times gives me the illusion of balance, all sober fonts and cautious conservatism, while The Observer restores my faith that someone, somewhere, still reads beyond the headlines. Between them, I get a weekend diet of respectability and rebellion – one telling me to mind my manners, the other reminding me why I shouldn’t.
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