Wednesday 24/12/08

Managed to find a free Wi-Fi connection in a local café here in St Ives.

Hay’s sister and Perry arrived on Sunday, but we then had the Great St Ives Man Flu Epidemic of 2008, which mutated into Woman Flu – which obviously isn’t as bad as Man Flu, but you wouldn’t think so to hear the moans. Michelle has been hors de combat since Monday and I’ve been struggling with enough catarrh to supply a glue factory for a year.

All the beaches here in Cornwall are Gwyth-something or other. I swear we went to beach called Gywneth Paltrow the other day, or was that Gwyneth Dunwoody beach?

The shops have these things called nativity scenes in their windows. Very strange indeed - a motley bunch of itinerant farm labourers or sheep stealers with what look like some Afghan drug dealers, all staring intently at a naked baby. I’m surprised the local council allow it. Obviously it must be a commemoration of the breakup of some 1st century international paedophile ring. This whole Christmas thing is a bit disturbing in my view. What would you do if your missus came home and told you she was pregnant and God was the father? Surely you’d think of either calling the men in white coats or your divorce lawyer – possibly both?

We were watching a film on TV earlier today – it was called Swallows And Amazons, perhaps you’re familiar with the story. A number of kids on their summer holiday perform a number of stupid, irresponsible and dangerous activities, such as camping and sailing. In the sailing scene there wasn’t a single lifejacket in evidence. I’m surprised there wasn’t a health warning plastered all over the screen warning children not to attempt this at home.

Saw an advert by The Dogs’ Trust for sponsoring a dog. Apparently a pound a week produces phenomenal results - a dog apparently will write to you and send photos. They should put these animals on show in the circus if they are capable of writing.

Did you hear about the explosion in Lancashire that knocked out large parts of the Grid? What are the people there going to use to heat their pie and chips on Xmas Day?

Have you noticed lots of young girls walking around in what are called UGG boots? There’s a mass outbreak of them here in St Ives. The things must be specially made for knock-kneed girls, as almost without exception the insteps of their boots are worn down to nothing, making them look as if they’re traipsing around in their well-worn bedroom slippers.

The place we’re staying at has a glass chopping board. What’s that all about then? Anyone knows that slicing something on glass results in a totally blunt knife at the first slice.

You know the expression to ‘do the odd thing’? I wonder whether synaesthetes ever ‘do the even thing’.