I Krave a New Political Party

Have you heard of Kelloggs’ Krave? It’s a new breakfast cereal consisting of copious amounts of chocolate. I honestly thought it was a spoof, especially when I saw ‘Enjoy Krave as part of a healthy balanced diet and active lifestyle’ at the foot of the advert. As if our kids aren’t already huffing and puffing on their way to school, laboured down by kilos of excess lard, type 2 diabetes and hardening of the arteries. It beggars belief that someone could come up with this crap as a breakfast and then position it as part of a healthy and active lifestyle.

Yesterday we were talking as a family about forming our own political party – the Popular Front for the Liberation of Old & Chipping Sodbury. Here’s the manifesto we came up with:

• Defence: our own nuclear deterrent – to be made by Bob in his shed from recycled cabbages.
• Foreign Policy: enforced repatriation of outlanders from Dursley and Yate – they think they can come here to Old Sodbury with their foreign ways and strange accents, taking all our jobs.
• Education Policy / Crime Prevention Policy: all kids between 12 and 18 to be put in the stocks at weekends and subject to curfew during weekday evenings.
• Health Policy: culling of the over 60s – Bob can take them out with his rifle on Saturday afternoons on the High Street, using the clock tower as a vantage post for his sniper’s nest.
• Transport Policy: all lorries to have square wheels and the Old Sodbury Car Share Scheme to be made compulsory (one car for the whole village).
• Environmental Policy: compulsory composting toilets and enforced demolition of garages (see Transport Policy), with the liberated space being turned over to the growing of seasonal vegetables for the farmers’ market (see Economic Policy).
• Culture Policy: proper drawings and none of this up-yer-own-arse conceptual garbage comprising unmade beds, dead sharks or daubs made from elephant shit.
• Security Policy: a 12 bore, cudgel and small, yet incredibly vicious dog in every home.
• Economic Policy: all currency to be abolished and the stunningly simple medieval barter system to be reintroduced.
• Green Policy: the village green opposite The Dog to be mown once a week in the summer.
• Racial Purity Policy: no marriage outside of the village, and preferably no more distant in relationship than one’s first cousin.
  

Hay wanted to institute a special policy on children and snacking – if you start a child, you must finish it completely and not leave half eaten children lying around.