Sunday Supplement on Saturday

There will be no Sunday edition of the Chairman’s blog, and thus next week’s horoscope by Gurt Lush will appear today.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The DNA evidence will be misplaced, so you can breathe a sigh of relief; however, a bit of witness intimidation would nonetheless be advised as backup.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well, I did warn you last week!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you do not send me £500, I cannot be held responsible for the misfortune that will befall you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
That feeling of self-loathing you’re currently experiencing, that wrenching feeling of worthlessness, that gapping chasm of emptiness - it may be a direct result of having sold your soul to Satan last Saturday.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
That report you were waiting for from the STD clinic will arrive this week. Be prepared for a surprise – and for God’s sake have a bath.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Much as it may prove an inconvenience, avoid doing anything next week that involves dwarves, colonic irrigation and bondage equipment.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your humour could be described as quirky, which is probably why no-one can stand to be near you this coming week.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Do something totally out of character – phone a relative and tell them you like them. They’ll never believe you, but at least you’ll derive the perverse satisfaction of confusing the hell out of them.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your self-confidence has suffered of late – give it a boost by going to evensong on Sunday, pretending you have Tourette’s and seeing how understanding the congregation can be.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If I were you, I’d wipe your hard disk using an industrial grade data scrubber - your ISP is on to you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Drinking all day is not going to solve your problems. To get real relief you’re going to have to combine it with mindless violence and revenge. Perhaps a trip to a football match may do the trick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You also have a reckless tendency to rely on luck – this is because you lack any talent whatsoever. As a consequence you have been led into becoming a substance abuser - it may be time to stop drinking this week, or at least reduce it to half a bottle of vodka a day to give your liver a chance.

Disclaimer: Gurt Lush cannot be held responsible for these events coming to pass or not happening at all - he is merely interpreting the cosmic karma, or some such nonsense.