Sunday Supplement on Saturday

Once more, Gurt Lush is gracing our readers with his spookily inaccurate horoscopes for the week ahead:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will be very lucky this week. It’s next week you need to be worried about – be sure to lock your doors and windows.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Gattux is once more about to move into the sign of the Tongs. This usually augers great upheaval among breeders of rare toads and fishing boat skippers. Beware of people bearing gifts – especially if Greek.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Unfortunately, your chance of ever having an orgasm again will from now on involve only something operated by batteries.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When you wake up one morning this week with your head impaled on a stick, you will finally understand how irritating you have been.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Your view that you are attractive to the opposite sex is totally delusional. You’d think your work colleagues’ nickname of Boat Hips would be a clue. Oh, sorry - you didn't know that's what they call you - not very intuitive, are you?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you feel so inclined (which you usually are), dwarves, colonic irrigation and bondage equipment may be put back on the menu this week with no fear of repercussions.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are inventive and resourceful, which probably explains your compulsive lying and cheating.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Climbing atop your gates and baying at the moon is a strange manner in which to deal with your recent problem – but don’t worry, the drugs will kick in soon.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You laugh in the face of adversity, which some would see as a positive attribute. However, it stems mainly from your warped view of reality.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I see you have social plans arranged for Saturday night involving a secluded car park. Take heed of the fact that it will be cold, and thus a vest would be recommended, as well as a mask.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You have dogged determination – but why can’t you simply get it right first time?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
There’s a big promotion heralded at work this coming week – but not for you.


Chairman Bill will return on Monday (or possibly tomorrow... or maybe never).