Performance Farts

I want to talk to you about a serious subject - one which affects everyone as they age. One that delights your children when they're small, but becomes an embarrassment as they become teenagers and adults and makes then want to disown you. That subject is farts.

The older one gets, the more one tends to fart due to gut leakage and a slackening of the sphincter muscles. However, I also think it's because one becomes less self-conscious about farting. 

It seems to coincide with the transition from dressing for style to dressing for comfort and practicality.

I know that in my case it's a case of performance farting. It's both an act of rebellion against convention and a statement or territory marker; however, its use has to be calculated.

Performance farting was a fairground attraction in the 19th century, with performers who could send jets of water long distances. They were flatulists. The most famous, Joseph Pujol, performed at the Moulin Rouge.

I haven't yet been able to form a recognisable tune, but I'm sure I could, with practice. I happen to remember the tunes I played on the bugle in the school military-style band - I could aim for one of those.