The Patriotic Curriculum

Reform say they want to introduce a “patriotic curriculum” in schools, designed to restore pride in Britain. One assumes this means the syllabus will be streamlined slightly, mainly by removing awkward bits of reality that spoil the mood.

History, for example, will become much clearer. Instead of the current confusing narrative involving expansion, empire, decline, decolonisation and the rest of the world rather pointedly going its own way, pupils will study the more uplifting version. Drake, Nelson, Churchill and the Blitz will feature heavily. The empire will be explained as a sort of large overseas friendship project that everyone thoroughly enjoyed until it mysteriously vanished.

Any references to independence movements will be handled delicately. Ideally with a quick cough and a brisk turn of the page.

Geography will follow a similar principle. Maps will once again be coloured reassuringly pink in places that matter. Lessons will focus on trade routes, tea, spices and cricket. The later chapter about how most of those territories became independent countries will be shortened to a paragraph titled “Administrative Adjustments”.

Mathematics will be modernised as well. Old-fashioned arithmetic is terribly negative, always insisting that spending must match income. Patriotic maths is more forward looking. It teaches that you can borrow several hundred billion pounds during a pandemic, permanently cut taxes afterwards, and still end up richer than before. The key is confidence. Numbers respond very well to confidence.

Economics, naturally, will reinforce this. Pupils will learn that trade barriers make a country wealthier, labour shortages increase productivity, and if growth fails to appear it is almost certainly the fault of Brussels.

English will also require careful editing. Dickens will be shortened slightly, removing all those tedious passages about poverty and workhouses. In the revised edition Oliver Twist simply pulls himself together and launches a successful start up.

Shakespeare will remain, but with minor adjustments. The tragedies are rather discouraging, so the syllabus will concentrate on the patriotic speeches. Henry V will be compulsory. Macbeth will end earlier than it currently does, ideally just after the successful career development.

Essay questions will prepare pupils for adult debate. Typical examples might include explaining why everything was going perfectly well until someone mentioned Europe, or demonstrating how borrowing vast sums proves the strength of the British economy.

Chemistry will also need a patriotic refresh. The periodic table currently credits a Russian, which is inconvenient, so the key elements will be simplified to Coal, Steel and British Grit.

Chemical reactions will be explained in practical terms. When optimism is mixed with deregulation the result is prosperity. Add sovereignty and tariffs and the economy becomes self sufficient. If the experiment fails, the correct scientific conclusion is that Brussels interfered with the apparatus.

The law of conservation of mass will be slightly revised. Traditional chemistry claims matter cannot be created from nothing. Patriotic chemistry recognises that wealth can in fact be created by announcing it loudly enough.

There will also be a new advanced module called Strategic Alchemy, in which pupils learn how slogans are converted directly into economic growth. Results may vary, but the theory remains extremely popular.

Exams will be straightforward. The correct answer to most questions will simply be that Britain did rather well.

And if any pupil points out that the real world appears a little more complicated than this, they will be gently reminded that such thinking belongs to the old curriculum. The one with all those troublesome facts in it.