Marshmallow Inbound

There are no missiles called Marshmallow. Nor Fluffy Bunny. Nor Gentle Breeze. Nor Cuddles.

Instead we have Storm Shadow, Hellfire, Brimstone, Tomahawk, Meteor and Sea Viper. Apparently it is not enough for a missile to contain several hundred kilograms of high explosive and arrive at considerable speed. It must also sound as though it has been named by a 14-year-old boy designing a computer game.

Storm Shadow is particularly good. As if the several hundred kilograms of high explosive weren’t sufficiently intimidating.

I understand why this happens. Weapons need names, and nobody at the Ministry of Defence is going to stand up at a procurement meeting and announce that Britain’s latest long-range precision strike weapon will henceforth be known as Trevor.

But why not?

Imagine the intelligence briefing.

Multiple Trevors launched from aircraft over the Black Sea. Frankly, I’d find that more worrying.

There is obviously an unwritten rule that military equipment must sound aggressive before anyone has even switched it on. You can almost picture the committee rejecting Mild Concern, Firm Rebuke and Quite Cross because they didn’t sound sufficiently lethal.

And yet the name makes precisely no difference to what the thing does. Call Storm Shadow Marshmallow and it still flies hundreds of miles, finds the coordinates you gave it and rearranges the target fairly comprehensively.

Indeed, Marshmallow might have a certain psychological advantage. Nobody wants to be the commander who has to report that his headquarters has just been destroyed by a Marshmallow.

Forget Hellfire.

Marshmallow inbound.