Oxbridge Phone Banking Justice for Police

UK Banks to Lend You Your Money

In a radical departure from its long established business model, the UK’s banking sector is set to lend money to people.

Until now the normal practice has been one of gambling your money on what are called toxic assets and then forcing countries’ treasury departments to bail them out once everything goes tits-up, claiming they are too big to fail.

This old business model has heretofore been a hugely profitable enterprise for banks, enabling their directors to pay themselves large bonuses equivalent to a lifetime salary for the average worker, and having no adverse effect other than on the tax payer.

The friendly face of banking

UK Justice System Run by America

The UK Supreme Court cannot operate independently, it has emerged, as it is funded by a clandestine organisation called The Department of Justice, which sounds suspiciously American, as does the name Supreme Court itself.

Set up in 2009, the Supreme Court replaced the more British sounding Law Lords, who performed exactly the same function.

This has fuelled suspicion that the British justice system has been outsourced to the USA as part of a cost-cutting exercise.

Justice outsourced?

As Expected, Oxford and Cambridge Set Maximum Fees

Oxford and Cambridge Universities have decided to set their tuition fees at the maximum level of £9,000. It is thought the reason for this is because of a complex argument that says they can.

Clayhanger Hall, Professor of Applied Spending at Redbrick Poly told us: “Universities can charge up to £9,000 under exceptional circumstances. These exceptional circumstances include being a place there everyone is called Don and maintaining a film set for police dramas and spy novel adaptations.”

Faced with such impeccable logic, we had to agree.

Police drama backdrops are costly to run

Police Cutbacks Affect Crime Clear-Up Rate

Police in Lancashire have solved a 1975 murder, 3 years after the perpetrator died.

A timescale of 35 years to solve a murder is a dramatic improvement on Victorian murder crimes, where the CPS is still waiting for evidence to prosecute Jack the Ripper.

Our crime correspondent, Jack the Ripper, comments: “At this frenetic pace of improvement, it is estimated that murders will be solved within the lifetime of the perpetrator by around 2060.”

Jack the Ripper - breakthrough expected soon

Nokia Must Sell Useless Crap Too, Warns New Boss

Stephen Elop has warned Nokia staff that they must stop producing reliable phones that work and emulate Apple and Google’s success at selling crap that looks nice, doesn’t work, can’t pick up a signal and requires several visits to the phone shop before it can be used just to take a picture.

Google’s Android operating system and Apple’s iPhone are cornering the market among shallow people who like boasting about how much they paid for the latest, shiny, heap of junk they purchased - and for which the nearest crack addict will knife them with a screwdriver.

Real phones for real men with dodgy hair

Eric Clapton Milks Guitar Riff to Excess




It is good though, and he knew it. If you can't watch the whole track, jump to 1m 33s for the first riff and 3m54s for the 2nd. Steve Gadd is brilliant on the drums too.

Must win the prize for the most random lyrics - as well as title.

The News as Art

Overheard in the car:

Hay: “Well, if you get the job the journey will be only 15 minutes.”

Chairman: “Unless there are ever road works on that stretch, then it’s going to be Nightmare City.”

Hay: “There haven't been any road works there since I’ve lived here – and that’s a long time.”

Chairman: “The law of averages makes it all the more likely in the future then. There hasn’t been a mass extinction event in 65 million years– but another will come and every day that passes increases that chance.”

Hay: “There’ll be a mass extinction event in this car if you don’t shut up!”


The News as Art

Alan Burnett’s mention of the Google Art Project yesterday reminded me that I hadn’t revisited my art appreciation section for some time.

On this occasion I thought I’d use art to comment on the news:

Bank Levy Increased – Bankers Furious



Egypt Protester Says: “Let My People Go.”



Police Accused of Dissing Pathologists



X-Factor Contestant Wears Red



£1bn Overspend on M25 Widening



Pope moves Straight into 21st Century from 16th

Parliament to Overrule Laws of Physics

According to a right-wing political think tank, Britain should cut its ties with those dirty foreigners across the Channel, what with their strange, liberal habits and disdain for the heavily processed crap we call food.

It is posited that Britain’s subservience to the European Court of Human Rights in matters of human rights legislation, especially in relation to prisoners’ voting rights, tramples on parliament’s historic and democratic right to do just about anything it wants – including trampling on people’s human rights and redefining the laws of physics.

Examples of parliament’s traditional and inalienable rights include such enlightened and philanthropic acts as voting itself huge pay rises, facilitating expense fraud on an industrial scale and reneging on election promises without the electorate having redress via the courts.

Our political editor, Rutherford Hall, comments: “Given the number of politicians entering prison for expense fraud, one would imagine they would be keen to give prisoners the right to vote, as it won’t be long before parliament has to convene at Wandsworth Prison; Labour in the left wing and Tory/Liberal in the right wing.”

It is interesting to note that MPs cannot be removed from their seat if they have been in prison for less than 12 months, and if their sentence is longer they are expected to appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

New – Chairman Bill’s Spot the Bent Politician Competition.



ASBOs Not to be Replaced with Public Lynching

The controversial replacements for the totally ineffective Anti Social Behaviour Order will be announced shortly.

When interviewed for this blog, some grumpy old bloke in Yate shopping precinct said: “They should include the stocks for riding a bike on the pavement and public lynching for more heinous crimes such as littering and swearing at pensioners.”

The trigger for police to investigate alleged offences will be five complaints, which means Jonathan Ross had better watch out.

BNP members up and down the country are reported to be forming into cells of five, ready to complain about the smell of curry from next door. However, given one in five people is Chinese, this prospect is causing them some concern as cell members accuse each other of being a 5th Columnist Chinese.


Scientist Shows Off Invisible Child


The world’s first invisible child, thought to be around 3 years of age, was spotted in Bath by our science correspondent on Sunday afternoon. The child is believed to be part of a secret spying program on the part of the Chinese government.


Ralph McTell Found Guilty of Abusing the Word ‘Easy’



OK, an old one, but worth including as, a) Garry Moore features and b) it’s bloody funny (which is highly unusual for anything emanating from Roland Rivron).

Celebrity Art

Official – British Population Obsessed With Celebrity

Despite Egypt descending into chaos with enormous implications for middle east peace; despite announcements that the UK police force is to be decimated; despite national protests over council cuts; despite a new universal antiviral being found for flu, Amanda Holden’s miscarriage proves to be the most poplar and widely read news story on the BBC News website and front page news on the Daily Mail and Daily Express.

Obsession with the inane and vacuous

Important LS Lowry Work Re-dated

The date of The Football Match by LS Lowry, which is about to go under the hammer at auction, has been re-evaluated by our art critic.

The work is meant to have been painted in 1949, but given Lowry was born in 1887 it could only have been painted before 1900, as it is obviously the work of a mildly talented child, according to our art critic.

Work of a talented 6 year-old?

Multiculturalism & Irony

Overheard in the caravan:

Advert Voice-Over: “So if you sponsor one of our dogs you get a letter from the dog and regular updates.”

Chairman: “How can a dog write a letter? Everyone knows they can’t write - no opposable thumb, you see.”

Hay: “I believe they dictate them.”

Back to the news:

Along With Mubarak, Cameron Doesn’t Do Irony Either

Cameron, who is descended from William IV, was educated at Eton and Oxford, was a member of the infamous Bullingdon Club, married a baronet’s daughter, has two houses (each well over £1m), has 15 Old Etonians in his cabinet (the most since MacMillan) and is estimated to have a family worth of £30m says cultures have been encouraged to live separate lives through multiculturalism.

Never mind about immigrant cultures - over 98% of the native UK population could never culturally integrate with Cameron or his social milieu, even if they wanted to.

Our Dave – just an ordinary bloke whose cultural values we all share

Chaotic Farting in Bedsheets

Mubarak Redefines Chaos

Following on from the ‘Day of Departure’, the ‘Day of Hanging on Just a Bit Longer’ has resulted in Egypt descending even further into total and utter chaos.

Hosni Mubarak, however, said he can’t really step down in case the country descends into total and utter chaos.


Mubarak also said that leaving office would allow the largest opposition party by far, the Muslim Brotherhood, with a chance of actually forming a government, leading to the glaring implication that democracy should not be allowed to prevail, which is the very reason the demonstrators want to get shot of the octogenarian dictator in the first place.

It is thought Mubarak does not understand the word irony.


Malawi Farting Ban Makes Dieting Aid Illegal

A ban on farting in public potentially makes new dieting aid, Alli, illegal in Malawi.



Speaker Bercow’s Wife Causes Outrage Among Soft Port Stars

Sally Bercow’s soft porn shoot in a bedsheet has outraged soft porn stars who accuse her of bringing their profession into disrepute by associating it with politicians and other members of the criminal underclass.

Post Derelict Satellite Suncreen

Overheard in the caravan:

Chairman: “I hear they’re creating a garden of remembrance for Jo Yeates. Seems any bugger dies and there’s a need to have some mawkish public memorial – headstones are just not enough these days. Won't be long before the whole country's covered in the damned things. Will you create a garden of remembrance for me when I kick the bucket?”

Hay: “No, I prefer to forget.”


Now for the news:

Sunscreen Causes Rickets

High factor sunscreen can block out essential vitamin D, leading to rickets and all manner of scrofulant 19th century diseases we thought we’d eradicated from everywhere except Tottenham, Daily Mail ‘experts’ say.

This story came to our notice after British 12-year-old, Tyler Attril, was found to be suffering from vitamin D deficiency following her mother having encased her in factor 50 sunscreen since birth. This is a particularly sad story, as the UK gets less sunshine than a cavern and we’re more in need of rain factor 50.

The child’s forename alone – we cannot describe it as a Christian name without contravening the Trades Description Act - suggests that this is no normal 12 year-old, but one has been fed a diet of pizzas, Big Macs, sweets and X-Factor, rather than fresh oily fish, meat, eggs (essential sources of vitamin D) and exercise and gets less sun than a photophobic vampire.

Our resident expert, Dr Wigmore Hall, says: “Using factor 50 sunscreen is like covering yourself in a burqa, but without the eye slit and the risk of chemicals poisoning you. The best sunscreen is what we experts call a hat and a shirt; no chemicals to absorb through the skin, no questions about whether they work.”

Hat and shirt - sunscreen that works

Old Sodbury’s Latest Derelict Shopping Precinct Nears Completion

The building of Old Sodbury’s derelict shopping precinct is in its final stages of completion. It was decided early on in the planning phase to save time by designing it in the post-derelict style.

Post Derelict?

Carnegie Hall, Professor of Urban Decrepitude at Redbrick Poly, commented: “I particularly like the pre-boarded up windows. The only items missing from the construction itself are the solitary pizza outlet or chip shop and the obligatory skate park.”

A team of graffiti artists is on standby to provide the final stamp of nuanced authenticity. Banksy has been retained as artistic advisor.


Football’s Golden Egg Cooked

A preliminary ruling that it is perfectly legal to buy satellite football coverage from any old country in the EU will mean footballers will have to turn back the clock and live sad and sordid lives – just like the rest of us, says some fat, misogynist football commentator.

Lack of TV money will mean hundreds of premiership footballers providing a much needed stimulus to the moribund housing market as they seek out semi detached houses in run-down areas and second jobs as miners or Subbuteo models.

A part-time miner

The bursting of the Sky satellite football money bubble is likely to mean that the whole football transfer market will undergo a much needed readjustment, with Fernando Torres probably being reduced in worth to 50 Green Shield stamps and a ticket to watch England (the cricket team).

It is believed that language schools in the UK are being inundated with enquiries about Greek language courses.

Insane Enteric Harassment

Government Expected to be Declared Insane

MPs are renowned for protecting themselves, and it can’t be for nothing that they are to repeal the rule that automatically removes them from their parliamentary seat if they have been sectioned under the mental health act for longer than six months.

Political pundits are fully expecting a large number of Conservative MPs to shortly be declared officially insane. This has been corroborated by the government’s insistence on pushing through massive change in the face of voluble public opposition.


Pharmacists Sell Dieting Aid That Mimics Amoebic Dysentery

A new diet product called Alli has been released on the market that prevents the body from absorbing excess fat from food. This is accomplished by the active ingredient, Orlistat (tetrahydrolipstatin), inhibiting pancreatic and gastric enzymes that break down triglycerides in the intestine.

The side effects mimic amoebic dysentery or gastro enteritis, in that the user is turned into a turd cannon, uncontrollably squirting and farting streams of very greasy diarrhoea in all directions at inopportune moments.

Members of the public who choose to treat themselves with Alli are advised to carry of a spare set of clothes (including brown corduroy trousers) at all times and avoid family gatherings or special events, such as weddings, funerals or Bar Mitzvahs during the treatment regime.


Man Sues John Lewis Following Sexual Harassment

Shop assistant, Konstantinos Kalomoiris, 40, has accused a female colleague of sexually harassing him by repeatedly slapping him on the bottom.

We say, get over it love!

Talented Big Society Business Model

Five News Hires Unparalleled Talent

Former GMTV presenter, Emma Crosby, is to replace the £1m a year newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky on Five news. She will read the 19:00 bulletin. Her old university friend, Matt Barbet, will front the 17:00 edition.

"I'm thrilled we have signed two of the brightest talents in the business to front our news programmes," said Five's news editor David Kermode.

Our lexicography editor has established that talent, in this case, is defined as reasonably symmetrical, not too old and having the ability to read. However, if is indeed the true definition of talent at Five, then it doesn’t really say much for the rest of the network’s staff. Writs may follow legal consultation by the other staff members.

Our editor of political thingumies, Colston Hall, comments: “Successive governments’ focus on getting the population literate means that at least 98% of the population satisfies the last criterion. Even David Beckham satisfies it - although perhaps not….”

Research by male cosmetics company Gunk has determined that female TV presenters become inexplicably, instantaneously and irredeemably talentless once they reach 50. Although following a recent spate of successful age discrimination cases against the BBC, the networks seem to be in an arms race to recall the most decrepit female TV presenter from the crypt.


PM Fails to Define Benefit of His Big Society

The PM, David Cameron, has spectacularly failed to define the benefits the UK public is to derive from his vision of a Big Society.

Professor Albert Hall. Emeritus professor of sums and business things at Redbrick Poly commented: “Low-cost airlines have successfully vied to strip away added-value and costly service elements in order to lower their prices. Basically it’s a trade off and the customer loves it.

“Cameron’s Big Society approach, however, appears to be to strip away costly services by handing them to the public to run, and then charging the public more through increased taxes. This just doesn’t stack up. I would award David Cameron a D minus in business studies and marketing.”


Chelsea FC Redefines Business Model

Chelsea football club reports a loss of £70.9m in the year to the end of June 2010 - despite winning the Premier League and FA Cup. The club's overall loss was greater than the £44.4m seen the previous season but some way short of the record £140m loss announced by Chelsea in 2004/2005.

The normal rules of business would dictate that the directors should be lining up on high buildings and jostling for a prime jumping off spot; however, Chelsea’s totally irrational response to this was to purchase some Spaniard from Liverpool FC for the knock-down sum of £50m.

Our business editor wonders whether this could this herald the end of the use of UK football clubs as a tax deductible expense for the Russian oil and gas business?


Crime Site Pinpoints Old Sodbury as Crime Central

The new Home Office website, www.police.uk, which shows the most crime ridden and lawless areas of the UK, frightens old people and devastates house prices, has shown Old Sodbury to be the epicentre of blogging satire and thought crime.

Strangely enough, when used by this reporter, the website was unable to locate London, Liverpool or Manchester as being in any policing area, which probably explains a lot.

Maritime Dictatorships

New Police Powers Mean End to Football

Powers to restrict the movements of people accused of gang membership have come into force in England and Wales. Gang members will be prevented from going into rival gangs’ territory and wearing their gang colours.

This obviously, and to the relief of millions, means these ‘GANGBOs’ will spell an end to football matches.

In an effort to obtain candid comment from within the world of football, the voice mail of Sir Alex Ferguson was hacked, Unfortunately the only person to leave a message was Kenny Dalglish, which resulted in a totally unintelligible message.

Pundits are unsure as to whether wars will be outlawed as a consequence.

Shock as Microsoft Says Internet Explorer Open to Hacking

Microsoft has said that its Internet Explorer browser has a flaw which leaves it open to attack by hackers.

This is a total shock to the computer security fraternity, who thought that Microsoft products, and especially Internet Explorer, were now totally secure – especially given the literally thousands of chances and the 15 years in which Microsoft has had to get it right.

Egyptian Riots Over Football Transfer Costs

Egyptians are expected to come out in force today to demonstrate over the ridiculously high football transfer costs being set this year.


Some more serious comments now.

Autocratic governments around the world have shown unequivocally that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It’s also true that, like it or not, the most effective form of government is undoubtedly an enlightened dictatorship. The tragedy is that there are very few people who are capable of being an enlightened dictator - and the succession will always present dangers. Enlightened dictatorships don’t stand the test of time.

However, deciding whether to replace a corrupt dictatorship with an autocratic theocracy is like comparing apples with apples. The words ‘back to square one’ come to mind.

It seems to me that all Egypt’s Mubarak has to do is to sit tight for a bit longer (if he can) and the democracy protesters will inevitably splinter into irreconcilable factions – as it is already appearing to do following the Muslim Brotherhood back-tracking on its support for ElBaradei as a transitional leader. If granted popular power, the MB is showing the early tell-tale signs of becoming an oppressive regime itself.

I do wish people would stop and think before commenting on certain stories which are designed to inflame. Yesterday there was an article in the Daily Express concerning EU plans to force EU shipping companies to pay all their crews European wages. The story was dressed up in jingoistic language stating that the UK’s red duster (the ensign) was under threat from Europe, naturally causing the superficial and facile readership of the Express to huff and puff with righteous indignation at the EU riding roughshod over little old Britain and our proud maritime heritage.

Now for a number of years – in fact centuries, British ships have used cheap non-EU labour – such as Filipino, Indian, Chinese, etc. for the simple reason that they are cheaper than UK seafarers. Certain officer ranks must still remain British in order to qualify as a British vessel – such as the captain. This has gradually led to the British Able Seaman becoming an endangered species, as they cannot compete with 3rd world labour.

All the EU wishes to do is bring jobs back to EU seafarers, which is laudable. The only problem, however, is that UK ship owners face unregulated international competition, are not noted for their philanthropy and will doubtless flag out their vessels to Panama or Liberia in response.