Fancy Flying

Got to leave early for Cornwall today, so I'll leave you with a time-delayed posting of a few pics a mate of mine who is a yacht broker in Antibes (and with whom I was a navigating cadet in the 70s) sent me of a neat little manoeuvre that could potentially have gone very wrong.

How about this next one? I don't think I've put it on the blog before, but I may be mistaken. An old school friend of mine, Josh, is the captain. She was being built last year in Germany, is called simple the 'A' and belongs to Russian billionaire Andrey Melnichenko (never heard of him). She was designed by Philippe Starck, who has no history as a naval architecht (it shows) and looks like the HQ of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

There are more recent photos of her here.

The above photos should enlarge if clicked on.

Friday 19/06/09

Moving the caravan was not such a good idea as far as Perry is concerned. He wants us to install a snack van with seating (plus obligatory Union flag) at the halfway point from the house.

The lambs in the field have been haring around chasing each other. They’re obviously honing their hunting skills.

Starting to regret having bought this replacement car. It was sold to me as an ex T5 that had had the engine replaced with a standard 2.3L lump following a turbo blow-out – with the consequence that the engine had done about 100k miles less than the number on the odometer.

Having checked the VIN and engine numbers, it transpires it has a 2.0L engine, and always has since day 1 – it was never a T5, despite the T5 decal on the tailgate. Seems the nice young couple who sold it to me were telling porkies. I’m not that upset (caveat emptor), as I do have a car with a gas conversion which will be cheap to run; however, I may now tart my old car up, sell both and get what I really want, which is a low-mileage Volvo TDi.

Filled the car’s LPG tank yesterday and felt such a fool. I’d had a go the day before, but the delivery pump didn’t put any in the tank and I put it down to the pump either not being at full pressure or empty. After yesterday’s attempt I discovered I was pressing the wrong button on the pump; I was pressing the emergency cut-off – but how the hell was I to know when there were no labels and the pump attendants don’t how to operate the pumps either. Added to that I managed to give my left hand a good dose of freezing LPG from a blow-back, nearly ending up with a block of frozen meat instead of a left hand.

Staring to learn a lot more about LPG fueled cars.

• Due to LPG being less thermally efficient than petrol you use more of it, but the fact that LPG is much cheaper results in an overall 40% cost saving.
• LPG filling stations are as ubiquitous as unicorn poo and it’s a good idea to locate LPG outlets before you set off on a long journey. I use a couple of websites (www.petrolprices.com and www.getlpg.org.uk) and have programmed them into my mobile phone as bookmarks for emergencies. Outlets tend to hunt in packs so that you get small competitive clusters within built-up areas but few (if any) in more rural locations.
• Ensure you maintain your petrol tank at half full, just in case you can’t find an LPG outlet. Converted cars have to start up on petrol anyway, switching to LPG once warm (the LPG is warmed by the engine before being injected).
• Don’t put your paws anywhere near the filler – you may end up shattering your hand like glass if it freezes due to a blow-back on disconnection.
  

I haven’t yet figured out what the MPG figure on the car’s computer actually refers to when driving on gas. I guess it’s still reading as if the gas were petrol – it merely being priced differently per gallon. Theoretically it should read a higher fuel consumption when switching to gas, as it’s less efficient, but I have yet to do a long journey on which I can test the theory – although I am off to Cornwall to see my boys at the weekend.

If, like me, you are an advocate of drug decriminalization, have a read about an experiment that has been conducted in Portugal over the last 8 years.

Thursday 18/06/09

Headline news! Obama swats insect! Whatever next? – Obama scratches nose?

Talking of insects, am I alone in thinking the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, looks as seedy as a pomegranate? The man simply oozes seediness in the same way David Cameron oozes smarminess. I swear the man doesn’t own a single tie.

While looking for images of Ahmadinejad with a tie (which drew a blank) I discovered that he actually adheres to a ruling by Grand Ayatollah Khamenei, who when asked about his view on the wearing of ties said: “Generally speaking, it is not permissible to wear a tie, or other kinds of clothes that are considered as the attire of non-Muslims, in such a way that their wearing will promote vile Western culture.” So I guess the Grand Ayatollah isn’t exactly a fan of Nike and doesn’t wear Calvin Klein’s under his Demis Roussos designer kaftan.

The Reform group claims that the British A-level exam has become a "hollow preparation" for university by undermining independent study and original thought. Ministers responded by saying the new A* grade would address concerns. Whatever next? A whole plethora of additional A grades comprising all the upper characters from the top row of the average keyboard? How about the A% grade, the A^ or the A ;0) grade? I’m particularly enamoured with the concept of an A? grade, which I think just about sums up the entire sorry state of affairs in education.

Following hard on the heels of announcements from the US that there will be sweeping banking reforms, it’s been reported that Mervyn King, the governor of the Bank of England, wants greater powers. How about invisibility, super-strength and X-ray vision?

It just had to happen and no-one can possibly say they didn’t see it coming. Katie Price (aka Jordan) and Peter Andre (aka Cyprus) are in talks for rival reality shows which will follow them throughout their separation. The words cynical and manipulation come to mind, as well as terminally and dull. Only the brain dead can possibly be interested in the tawdry lives of these self-publicists and believe that the tripe they are fed has any bearing on reality.

While I have to admire the fact this couple is raking in a fortune from the mindless drones who pay to read about them and watch their programmes, they are doing so at a devastating cost – the privacy of their kids. Mind you, if it’s only for a few years until the hoi polloi moves on to another C list celebrity who’s willing to prostitute his or her self for the scabrous public’s insatiable appetite for venerating shit, then perhaps it may just be worth it in the long run. They’ll certainly never have to work again – not that you can remotely classify what they’re doing as work.

Had an idea yesterday; I pay just over £1 per litre for domestic use LPG for the caravan, whereas LPG for the car is less than half that price. What I need to do is to fabricate a hookup from the car’s LPG tank to the caravan’s gas supply. The only problem is that I need to be able to park next to the caravan - which given it’s now in the middle of a field could be somewhat impractical. I suppose I could get a few car PLG tanks and fill them up at the filling station in rotation. I’d still need a regulator of some description to step down the pressure.

The hire car company collected the VW Passat hire car yesterday. Why in the name of God do the powers that be allow cars to be trimmed in black leather? The damned thing was impossible to enter on a hot day and I had to start it and leave the aircon running for 15 minutes before daring to sit in the seats or touch the steering wheel. I’d just open the door on a sunny day and be greeted by a blast of superheated air from the interior. Surely trimming out a car’s interior in anything darker than a light grey must be in direct contravention of some international human rights legislation? I swear that if you were to put kids or a dog into the conditions I found in the VW on entry I’d be prosecuted by the NSPCC or RSPCA.

Here’s a question that’s been on my mind for a while. Has Hilary Clinton recently undergone silicone cheek and chin augmentation?

Wednesday 17/06/09

Overheard in the caravan:

Hay: “You missed your vocation; you’d make a good journalist because you like to argue.”
Chairman: “No I don’t!”

Bought a replacement car yesterday – another Volvo 850, but with an LPG fuel conversion. Fuel consumption is phenomenal, but the performance is on a par with a wet sponge on benzodiazepine and smoking a joint. It’s even more sluggish than my younger daughter at a weekend.


I’m sure having 40 odd litres of liquid petroleum gas in the back of the car ain’t going to do much for your health if you get a shunt up the backside from a MAN TGA 26440 truck traveling at 60 mph. If you don’t erupt in a fireball you’ll end up frozen as the gas vaporizes, or at the very least gassed. A small price to pay though for a more efficient burn (and hence cleaner engine) and lower running costs.


A bit restrictive on space utilization though, although I might convert it to a doughnut-shaped tank to fit in the spare wheel well. Seems daft to have a Volvo for its versatility, only to totally negate it with a whacking great tank in the cargo space.

On the negative side, I’ve discovered that LPG filling stations are few and far between, with none in a 10 mile radius of home. The one I was aware of en route to work has stopped selling it, and I guess many are getting out of it faster than the rate at which my bank account has been emptying this week. I found one filling station in Hayle, Cornwall, which sells it at over £1 per litre when the standard price is under 50p.

Bought it in Craven Arms, Shropshire, which meant going through some quaintly named villages, such as Pipe-and-Lyde, Moreton-on-Lug, Hope-Under-Dinmore, etc. The whole area between Hereford and Leominster is awash with quaint double and triple-barreled village names that belong either in an early 20th century detective novel or a comedy script


One thing I noticed was that all roadside burger vans sport massive Union flags. Visitors to our shores must be left with the impression that the British flag is the international symbol for poor quality and intensely fatty roadside fried food.

Went past the Ludlow Food Centre, which looks rather like a larger version of what we’re about to build (go down the page on the link to see it). It reminded me that we need to go to this year’s Ludlow Food Festival.

Had a ram, a couple of ewes and a bunch of lambs delivered to the field this week. Just as well we moved the caravan last weekend and erected a decent fence. Here are a couple of the lambs.

Here's an interesting hobby that will make you the life and soul of any dinner party.

Tuesday 16/06/09

Hay is convinced I’m part fly. She’s never known someone who can scuzz a wineglass quite like I do, leading her to think that – like a fly – I part regurgitate the wine onto the glass before drinking it.

She was reading an article from the Sunday Times’ Homes supplement and creased up with laughter at the names in a highlighted family (see page 2 of the article); Perry Hayden-Taylor, his wife Vik and their children, Perpetua (7), Helvetica (4) and Clarendon (1). Strange to name all your kids after typefaces, it makes you wonder whether these ex Battersea (pronounced Bater-zee-a) people and their 11 bedroom Somerset home are real. I think the editor is having us on.

Watched a DVD of the film ‘Withnail and I’ last night. One of the funniest films I’ve seen in ages. Danny the Dealer and Uncle Monty are superb. My favourite words from the film are those said by Withnail during their sojourn in the Lake District: “Excuse me, can you help us? We’ve gone on holiday by mistake.”



Get hold of the copy of the DVD – you won’t be disappointed.

Monday 15/06/09

The anonymous street graffiti artist Banksy has an exhibition on in Bristol. Preparations for the event had to be kept a secret in order to preserve his anonymity and to keep the exhibition in line with the spontaneous and guerilla nature of his art form.

The fact he likes to keep his identity a secret means anyone could claim to be him with virtually no-one able to counter the claim. You can just imagine a scene reminiscent of when Kirk Douglas stands up to be identified at the end of the film Spartacus;

“I’m Banksy.”

“I’m Banksy.”

“I’m Banksy.”



Have you ever noticed how Kirk Douglas has an arsehole in his chin?

Think I might do my own Banksy original and sell it on eBay.

Talking of phantom vandals, we have a phantom guerilla fly-tipper who we’ve nicknamed Manksy. It’s actually Perry, who has an annoying habit of looking around the kampong for any piles of rubbish and then adding his own – like a cuckoo. He’s already added a load of redundant concrete from one of his many incomplete projects to the pile of excavated soil that we thought we’d use for creating a bank for a sunken garden. He obviously (and erroneously) thinks it’s all going to be carted off when we start to build the house. Bloody stuff is useless now that he’s thoughtfully added concrete to it without so much as a by-your-leave.

Had some fun with the locals yesterday; we were telling them that we could give them 10% discount for the Old Sodburyland attraction we were building on the site, the intention being to recreate the sights, sounds and smells of 9th century Old Sodbury, getting the Caravans to dress up as serfs, Hay (as a biochemist) creating the smells, Michelle and Perry doing the cream teas and me being the tour guide. We’d have the genuine 9th century log flume ride, as well as a 9th century ferris wheel – or breaking wheel, as they called it then. For Christmas we’d turn it into Old Sodbury Santaland, putting a pair of false antlers on Cat and dressing me up in a red overall and wellingtons.

There was a story in the news over the weekend about the Queen organizing an allotment at Buckingham palace for growing vegetables. I though she’d always had an allotment – it’s called Great Britain.

If you’re a beer buff, try Bath Ales. I’m a recent convert. You can get some of them in Tesco, but for the full experience it’s best to buy direct from the brewery. You can find some tasting notes on this beer blog.

House Move

Colin (Abu Hamza) and I went to the local builders’ supply in his Taliban truck and collected 16 x 3m rocket launchers.

When everything was disconnected, our neighbour Paul came along with his Landrover to pull the caravan, but the caravan wheels just sank into the ground resulting in a change of tactic. He went off to get his tractor – an altogether better idea.


One good heave and it started to move. A few minutes later and we were in position and started to reconnect the services. I was in charge of gas, satellite TV and internet, Caravan took charge of the electricity and Colin worked on the fresh and waste water.


Colin starts laying the Old Sodbury oil pipeline.


Pipeline complete. We decided to run it straight across the build site and disconnect it for the few hours it will take to dig the footings.


In situ with everything reconnected – Folly House (the Caravans' place) in the background.

Nursery Crymes

2 hours to go before caravan moving operations begin.

Your roving reporter has learned that the British government is to crack down on scientifically untested quack remedies being touted by primary schools. A number of schools force children in their care to repeat the following mantra:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Apple in the morning - Doctor's warning.
Roast apple at night - starves the doctor outright.
Eat an apple going to bed - knock the doctor on the head.
Three each day, seven days a week - ruddy apple, ruddy cheek.

Professor Mithras Moonblood, director general of Ofquack, said that such untried remedies promoted a culture of quackery and a belief that alternative therapies actually work. “It is ridiculous,” he continued, “to suggest that apples are an effective prophylaxis against health professionals calling at your door. The research is so poorly done as to be completely off the quackometer scale.” Prince Charles, celebrity tree-talker and self-appointed King of Quackery, said: “We shouldn’t deny the efficacy of apples too quickly as, after all, garlic has been scientifically proven to keep vampires away. I’d like to coin a new term – quackery denial. Can I introduce you to my new friend – Mr Oak?”

Our royal correspondent reports that Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, marched 10,000 men up to the top of a hill in the vicinity of Royal Lodge, his home in Windsor Great Park. He subsequently marched them down again. They lingered at the halfway mark, but this caused some confusion, as they didn’t know whether they were up or down. The reason for this strange activity is unknown, but the Duke was later seen atop the gates of Royal Lodge baying at the moon.

The Animal Liberation Front attacked a farm in Leicestershire yesterday where it is rumoured mice are used in scientific experiments into blindness. An letter purporting to be from the ALF was received at the offices of The Grocer, a monthly publication for purveyors of comestibles, alleging that a crack team from ALF had liberated three blind mice which were subsequently discovered to have had their tails surgically amputated. The farmer’s wife is being questioned about allegations of animal cruelty.

In a late breaking report our royal correspondent says that the Queen of Hearts has been found guilty of procuring for illicit purposes and running a brothel on a summer’s day. Due to intense plea bargaining she received a suspended sentence – her evidence resulted in her accomplice, the Knave of Hearts, being prosecuted for larceny.

An old woman has been charged under the public health act and her ‘Old Woman’s Shoe’ restaurant chain has been forcibly closed down by health inspectors. She stands accused of serving cold pease pudding well beyond its sell-by date and not having wheelchair access. The health inspectors reported that the pease pudding was nine days old. This is not the first time the old woman has had a brush with the law; last year she was found guilty of child abuse for whipping her 40 children and starving them.

Earlier this week council pest control officers were called to a tuffet factory in Lancashire owned by Little Miss Muffet. The factory was found to be infested with arachnids which resulted in the factory having to shut for 3 days while it was fumigated. The closure has had an enormous impact on the local economy, as 60% of the town’s population is employed in the factory. The pest control officers suspect the arachnids may have been attracted by bowls of curds and whey which are left out for the factory cat.

A man from St Ives has been prosecuted for bigamy with seven women, and each of the women was then subsequently prosecuted for animal cruelty by the RRPCA. Apparently each of the women was in possession of sacks containing numerous cats and kittens and it is thought they were on their way to drown them. In his defence, the man claimed to be a Muslim.

A woman, who for reasons of court anonymity can only be referred to as ‘Jill’, sued the Bristol National Health Service trust earlier this week. She alleges that following an accident sustained while fetching a pail of water, her husband ‘Jack’ was rushed to Frenchay hospital head injuries unit where consultants treated his fractured skull with vinegar and brown paper. He subsequently died. She said she was well aware of the fact that the NHS has to make savings, but this took the biscuit. It has not been a good year for the Bristol NHS Trust, as this case follows hard on the heels of the Humpty-Dumpty scandal, which left the Trust with egg all over its face, a large clean-up bill and 6 cubic metres of horse manure.

Police in Yorkshire are confident they are closing in on the killer of Jake ‘Cock Robin’ Robinson, a well known thief from the village of Baht’at on Ilkley Moor. The current theory they are pursuing is that Cock Robin fell out with a know accomplice, Jack ‘the Hat’ Sparrow, who has not been seen in the area for a number of weeks, and was killed by Sparrow. Sparrow was last sighted aboard a ship, the Back Pearl, in Hull harbour and may have escaped to the Caribbean, where police have traveled to meet the vessel on its arrival.

PS - I commend this to you. It's a friend of mine's grandson's band who have just released their debut album.

Friday 12/06/09

Thanks to all who provided feedback on the spectacle frames, especially Dave who suggested I not give in at all to approaching old age and simply use a small slave child to describe items in front of me. After all the warnings I’m not now as sure about wearing varifocals; it’s probably safer to juggle half a dozen pairs of specs while simultaneously driving, e-mailing and answering the phone. I do like pair 1, as they have brightly coloured arms which means that at least they will be highly visible against dark backgrounds, which in turn would aid location enormously. Perhaps I need a pair with a sonic bleeper to aid location even more.

Now for the news.

Sportswear marketing company, Manchester United, yesterday denied being part of a huge and lucrative international criminal ring trafficking in human misery. The board of Manchester United is believed to have accepted an offer of £80m from shady characters in Madrid for a certain Cristiano Ronaldo, who it is believed was kept in degrading conditions as a slave.

“This sets a record amount paid for a slave,” said Cyril McSpartacus, a director of Traffick Watch (Human Branch). It is rumoured that Ronaldo is being lined up for work in the WAG sex trade, although some experts in the field of human trafficking suspect he may be forced to dress in a humiliating clown outfit in order to be cynically exploited in a degrading manner to promote a brand of American hamburgers.

Manchester United responded to the allegation by maintaining Ronaldo is in fact an indentured worker and not a slave, although many would call an indentured worker a debt bondage slave. Anti Slavery International is monitoring this despicable trade, which they report as truly international in scale and being in direct contravention of international agreements to which both Britain and Spain are signatories.

This sad trade would appear to be seasonal, with containers full of these poor, wretched and exploited individuals being trafficked across borders in a frenzy of activity between January and March and again between July and August, although no-one has yet ascertained the precise reason for these dates being significant to the traffickers. It is thought than many are sold to bored female pop singers and underwear models, although some are traded with other sportswear marketing companies in the manner of over-the-counter derivatives.


Phil Spector, pop svengali, music impresario, wig mannequin, international man of mystery, master of disguise and homicidal maniac has been deprived of his collection of outlandish and ridiculous syrups for between 19 years and life. Spector was once credited as being a member of the Plastic Ono Band.

Ex Beatle, Yoko Ono, has been presented with a lifetime achievement award at the Mojo magazine awards. Pundits suggest the award is in recognition for her part in the breakup of the Beatles (which is arguably her finest piece of performance art), as it can’t possibly be for her contribution to music. It was hinted that the Plastic Ono Band will shortly be reforming. The line-up will include John Lennon look-alike, Sean Lennon; unknown artist and Planet of the Apes character, Cornelius; and Yuka Honda, a motorcycling plant.

Wine sales in the UK slumped 2% in 2008, so here’s my bit to get them up again: Lidl Cimarosa Californian ruby cabernet, 2007. I’m so impressed with the Cimarosa range of wines – probably because they’re all southern hemisphere – and they’re comparable to other brands costing two or three times as much. Here’s a good site for the amateur wine buff.

Moving the caravan tomorrow, so I probably won’t post over the weekend.

Thursday 11/06/09

Overheard in the caravan:

Hay is inspecting the contents of the fridge.

Hay: “Looks like we’re going to have to have salad for dinner tomorrow night.”
Chairman (sotto voce): “Oh dear.”
Hay (fortissimo): “What?”
Chairman (morendo): “Nothing dear.”

In an unexpected turn-around, UK production showed a marked upturn in April – someone actually made something, but buyers for the mobile telephone for talking horses the knitted windbreak and the disposable paper necktie have yet to be found.

In a surprising display of frankness and sexual liberation, the wives of the Presidents of France and the USA (below) have been demonstrating the sizes of their respective husbands’ entente cordiales.


In what is welcome news to pub goers throughout the nation, BSkyB has refused a £50m lifeline to Irish sports satellite TV broadcaster Setanta, which is facing administration. Finally we can now visit pubs without the incessant cacophony of televised football blaring away in the background. We can but pray that Sky Sports to also go into administration, which somehow seems as likely as Osama Bin Laden becoming the next Speaker of the House of Commons.

Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, is the bookies’ favourite to become the new Speaker of the House of Commons on June 21st when the Parliamentary Idol competition reaches its excruciating final. In announcing her candidature Boyle said that she hopes to help Parliament deal with its "considerable problems" surrounding blatant and cynical media manipulation. Boyle joins two other hot favourites, Anne Widdecombe and Margaret Beckett, in what has been called the battle of the battleaxes and has turned what was essentially a two horse race into what is essentially a three horse race.

Fillies 1 2 and 3.

Bookies, Simon Cowell Associates, put Boyle at 3:1 favourite to win by a substantial neck.

Celebrity foul-mouth, charity worker, philanthropist, candidate for Speaker of the House of Commons, papal legate and occasional cook, Gordon Ramsay, has said he is mortally offended by having been called a foul-mouthed, bullying, wife-beating, narcissistic, misogynist bastard after having compared the gorgeous Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, to the hideous Australian TV personality, Tracy Grimshaw.

UN health officials have called an emergency meeting to discuss the declaration of the first global sniffle pandemic. The sniffle, which many experts think may mutate into an irritating cough, has so far claimed fewer lives than bungee jumping. The World Health Organisation has condemned what it calls pandemic denial.

I’m sick to death of carrying round a couple of pairs of glasses and having to swap them at inopportune moments, like when replying to texts when I’m driving. So now I’m flush with a couple of hundred quid insurance money I’m going to splash out on a pair of varifocals. I’ve culled a selection from the optician’s website and present them to you for a vote on which are the most stylish and classy – number them from left to right and top to bottom, indicating your preference.

Yes – OK, the bottom right ones (number 8) are old blokey specs, but do they have a certain je ne sais quoi that only old blokes can appreciate. Personally I’m torn between 1, 5 and 6.