Tate Bros

So, the Tate brothers have slithered out of Romania under what can only be described as curious circumstances. One minute they’re wailing about persecution, the next they’ve wafted off like a bad smell, and suddenly the usual suspects are whispering that Trump had a hand in it. Given Trump’s track record with grifters, misogynists, and blokes with dodgy hair, it wouldn’t be entirely surprising.

But it does get one thinking – if Trump really is running some sort of ‘bellends witness protection programme,’ could we, in Britain, leverage this to our advantage? Specifically, if we were to finally lock up Tommy Robinson, could we count on Trump to orchestrate his grand exfiltration to the land of the free (free to be an unrelenting nuisance, that is)?

It would be a win-win. Robinson gets to bask in the adulation of people who don’t mind if their ‘freedom fighters’ are actually criminally inclined gobshites, and we in the UK get a little more peace and quiet – or at least one less shouty man clogging up the courts with appeals against his latest bout of self-inflicted martyrdom.

Think about it: a well-placed conviction, a bit of whining about oppression, and before you know it, he’s being bundled onto a plane bound for Mar-a-Lago. Trump would probably host a press conference about it, flanked by Bannon and a bloke wearing a raccoon as a hat, droning on about ‘cancel culture’ and ‘free speech.’ Robinson, meanwhile, could take up residence as the UK's unofficial ambassador to the far-right peanut gallery, living out his days grifting in a country where the market for his schtick is far from saturated.

And what’s the alternative? We continue letting him roam about, staging his tragic little stunts, filling up police time and getting dragged out of pubs for the umpteenth time? No, let’s be proactive. Jail him for something – shouldn’t be hard – and wait for the Trump extradition squad to sweep in like some bizarre, unholy SEAL Team.

Frankly, if we’d thought of this earlier, we could have cleared out a whole rogues' gallery of ne’er-do-wells. Imagine Katie Hopkins getting ‘rescued’ by Trump and spending her twilight years ranting about ‘woke police’ in a strip mall somewhere in Florida. Or Farage, finally gifted the full MAGA citizenship he’s been drooling over for years. We could even sweeten the deal with a ‘buy one, get one free’ on right-wing grifters – chuck in Laurence Fox as a complimentary extra.

And why stop there? Boris Johnson was born in America anyway – technically, he’s their problem. He’d fit right in, guffawing his way through another shambolic leadership bid while the Republicans pretend not to notice his complete lack of competence. As for Liz Truss, well, if anyone could make a case for ‘political asylum,’ it’s her – surely she’s got a better shot at reviving her political career among the deranged cheerleaders of ‘Trussonomics’ across the pond.

At this point, it’s just basic diplomacy. If Trump is indeed running a charity service for washed-up reactionaries, then by all means, let’s make the most of it. A little creative sentencing, a well-timed media storm, and whoosh – off they go. America gets its latest ‘political prisoner’ (their words, not ours), and we get one less pain in the arse. Sounds like a fair trade to me.

Speaking of the Tate brothers, they've got more in common with the Taliban than they do with your average grifting right-winger. Their views on women are about as progressive as a 13th-century warlord’s, and if they had their way, half the population would be locked indoors, obedient and veiled. Maybe Andrew Tate's next move will be to declare himself the Supreme Emir of Afghanistan – though given his apparent knack for getting into legal trouble, he’d best start planning his next escape strategy now.