Facebook Selling

Selling things on Facebook Marketplace is a bit like online dating. You get messages full of enthusiasm, promises of commitment, and then – nothing. The silence stretches out, your hopes fade, and you realise you've been ghosted by a stranger who once showed so much promise.

It always starts the same way. You list something – let's say an old coffee table. Within minutes, the first message arrives: "Is this available?" A reasonable question, except you’ve literally just listed it. You reply "Yes." Nothing. Days pass. They have vanished into the ether, presumably abducted by aliens or struck down by an existential crisis over the nature of flat-pack furniture.

Then you get the serious ones. They gush about how much they want it. "I’ll definitely take it!" Great. You arrange a time. You tidy the house. You cancel other plans. You sit by the window, expectantly, like a dog waiting for its owner to return. And what do you get? Nothing. No message. No explanation. Just radio silence.

Maybe they died. Maybe they were kidnapped by pirates. Or maybe – just maybe – they’re one of the thousands of absolute timewasters clogging up Marketplace, playing some bizarre, commitment-free game of virtual window shopping.

Some will string you along for days. "I can come tomorrow!" Tomorrow arrives. "Sorry, something came up. How about Saturday?" Saturday arrives. "Car trouble. Maybe next week?" This goes on until you finally accept they were never coming and that, somehow, you have been emotionally manipulated by a stranger over a £20 item.

Then there are the hagglers. They message with an offer so low it borders on insulting. "Will you take a fiver?" No. "Tenner?" Also no. "Okay, I’ll pay full price. Can I collect tomorrow?" You agree. Then, of course, they never show up.

And don’t even get me started on the ones who arrive, inspect the item like an antiques expert on the BBC, and then say "I’ll think about it." You’ve just driven 20 minutes to meet them in a supermarket car park, and they want to think about it?

The solution? Ruthlessness. First-come, first-served. No reservations without a deposit. Confirmation messages an hour before meet-ups. And, most importantly, a willingness to call people out. "Are you actually coming, or are you just another Facebook Flake?" Works wonders.

The sad truth is, selling on Marketplace is a war of attrition. You will be ghosted. You will be messed around. You will question your faith in humanity. But every now and then, a genuine buyer appears – they show up, they pay, and they take the bloody thing away. And in that moment, you remember why you put yourself through this nonsense in the first place.

Because you needed to get rid of that coffee table.