The Myth of Free

There it is, staring at you from the dealership wall in cheerful fonts and calming blue – Your First Service FREE! – as if some benevolent elf in the Kia marketing department has just shouted, “You know what? Let’s give one away for the sheer joy of it!”

Except we all know they haven’t. Because nothing is ever free unless you’re talking about soup from a nunnery or unsolicited advice from a stranger in Wetherspoons.

Let’s stop pretending this is generosity. It’s bundling – dressed up to look like a gift. Your first service, the “up to” 7-year warranty, the “up to” 2 years of roadside assistance and the mysteriously titled Driveaway Insurance (what is that – cover for feeling smug in the first hour?) – they’re all in the price. They’ve been quietly factored in while you were distracted by the shiny alloys and the keyless entry.

Yes, there are rules. And yes, Kia probably aren’t outright breaking them – but they’re doing the marketing equivalent of unbuttoning their shirt just enough to avoid a public decency fine. Under the Consumer Protection from Unfair Trading Regulations 2008, they’re not allowed to call something “free” if it’s secretly paid for elsewhere. But here’s the rub – if they can argue that all this fluff is standard across the range and not bolted on as a fake sweetener, they get away with it.

The ASA, bless them, will let this slide as long as the average consumer – that mythical creature who reads T&Cs with a monocle and pauses ads to check disclaimers – isn’t technically misled. The magic phrase is “up to”, which in advertising is code for “it probably won’t be, but legally we’ve said it might.” I could tell you I’m up to 7 feet tall. I’m not. But I haven’t lied, have I?

So yes, legally they’re skating on-side. But morally? It’s fog lights in a sauna.

If you walk into a showroom and ask how much they’d knock off the price if you refused the “free” service, the answer will be telling. If it’s “nothing,” then congratulations – you’ve just proven it was never free to begin with.

The word “free” here is just a baited hook. You’re meant to think you’re winning something, when in reality they’re selling you the feeling of having won something – and charging you full price for the privilege.

It’s not a crime. But it is a con of sorts – a polite, corporate, legally bulletproof con. Wrapped in pastel marketing and tied with a bow of fine print.

Next time they say “Your first service is completely free,” try replying:

“Brilliant. So how much cheaper is the car without it?”

Then enjoy the silence – it’s the only genuinely free thing you’ll get all day.