Overheard in the Caravan

The Chairman is reclining on the sofa with eyes closed, listening to Radio 4, and suddenly gets up.

Hay: "Oh, woken up have you?"

Chairman: "I wasn't asleep - I was listening to the program on Mithras."

Hay: "With your eyes closed, mouth open and snoring?"

Chairman: "I wasn't snoring - I was purring."

Daily Mail Reader Charity

As my regulars will know, Hay does a paper round in the village and I sometimes help out (kids can't do it, as a car is necessary to reach the 35 to 40 scattered houses, ancestral piles and outlying farms).

Now Xmas is always a good time for making a few bob on the side through Xmas tips.

• Guardian readers are always the first to leave a Christmas tip - invariably a tenner and a card.
• Telegraph and Times readers are the next - between £5 and £10 and a card.
• Express and Sun follow close on with a fiver or a few quid in an envelope, perhaps with a card.
• Daily Mail readers, of which we have a continuous 6 on one road, never leave a tip or even so much as a card to say thanks.

I can just imagine what they would say at the merest suggestion they were stingy - "They get paid, don't they, so why should I tip them? I don't get tips in my job!"

Do Check Your Amazon Purchases

This is a public service announcement.

When purchasing a gift item from someone's Amazon wish list, check they've chosen the correct format before making the purchase. Additionally, check the item when it arrives in the post and don't just wrap it without looking at it.

I bought Hay a copy of The Ice House for Xmas - when she unwrapped it yesterday she was horrified to discover it was a VHS cassette.

Overheard in Various Places

In the caravan.....

Hay: "That's the duck and the turkey cooked. I should really put them somewhere cool till tomorrow."

Chairman: "How about your dad's house - pensioners seem to like living in chilly places at this time of year."

At the neighbours' mulled wine and mince pie evening....

Chairman: "That's a nice cheese - what is it?"

Colin (our builder): "Black Bomber. I looked it up on the Internet the other day and misspelled it - Sam(antha) was ever so upset with the images that came up on Google."

Can't help feeling that putting Christmas cooking programs on TV on Christmas Eve, when all the shops are already shut, is scraping the barrel a bit. Better to put Easter cooking programs on, surely!

A Merry Christmas to you all and I just hope you have enough food to last till the shops open again tomorrow!

The Siege

Well, we got to the supermarket early and spent a fortune stocking up for the one day the shops are closed...

Marketing Faux Pas for Teachers

Can't help feeling Tesco have made a mistake with their tag line; "Every Little Helps." Say with with either a lazy or an American accent and it transmogrifies into; "Every Lidl Helps."

Everyone set for the end of the world then?

Saw an advert on TV last night extolling the virtues of jobs in teaching. The ad said; "Imagine a job where you can be the head of your department within 4 years." Yes, that's because the ones in front of you have left with nervous breakdowns. Additionally, the teacher in the advert (who looked alarmingly like Ed Milliband) pointed his AV control at the screen behind him to switch on the projector, which must have been in front of him.

Her indoors still ain't feeling right - sprout terrine in an HP sauce marinade with an anchovie parfait and pretzels for dinner then.... I'll teach her!

Danger! Man Cooking

Hay has been ill in bed with flu for the last few days. Obviously it's not as bad as Man Flu, so why she went to bed is beyond me.

However, apparently I left the cooker on all night. That'll teach her to fall ill and expect me to do all the cooking!

The Gun Debate

If Americans want weapons for personal protection, why do they need rifles with a lethal range of between a half and one kilometer?

One solution would be to allow the public only single-shot hand guns for personal protection and reduce their lethal range to within say 10 metres. People would retain their close-range personal protection, gun sales would soar as new guns are manufactured and tragedies caused by automatic and magazine weapons would, as far as possible, be avoided - everyone's happy.

You Looking At Me??

Silly Billy

When I got my new smartphone, I thought it prudent to put a message on the lock screen in case I lost it, so I put: "If Found, Please Phone...." with the number being my own mobile number. It only struck me yesterday that this was a bit pointless, for obvious reasons.

I have since changed it to Hayley's number.

Just Saying

Gun homicides per 100,000 population

In a country where everyone has the right to bear arms, the logical assumption is she's armed, so the mugger doesn't need to guess - if he's sensible.

Doubtless the RNA will lobby for 4 year-olds to have the right to carry weapons so as to protect themselves. It's the perverse logic of the self-righteous.

Fracking Art for Sexual Offences

Some reactionary, dinosaur, Conservative MPs are against gay marriage, but they're quite happy to allow  fracking in public. That's double standards, if you ask me.

I wonder if the judge who handed a 2 year sentence to the guy who vandalised a Rothko (alleged) work of art with a felt pen was engaging in a piece of performance art himself? Just because some mug is willing to pay millions for this crap, doesn't necessarily make it art.

I do believe the police are about to dig up Casanova and Rasputin for historic sexual crimes.

I note Labour is saying it got it wrong on immigrant integration policies and immigrants should at least be able to speak English. Well, does that mean all those Welsh language road signs in Wales will now disappear and there will be an effort to get the Welsh to speak English? The Scots don't have their road signs in Gaelic!

Overheard in the Malpensa Sheraton, Milan

Chairman: "Could I have a glass of ice water - just tap water will do?"

Waitress: "We can't do that, sir, the tap water in the airport isn't good."

Chairman: "That's strange, there's no notice on the tap in my room telling me of the danger."

As it transpired, my colleague ordered a large bottle of designer water, which we got for free as the service was so damnably slow. Got the avaricious bastards!

BA Grasses

Nightmare journey to Genoa yesterday. An hour into a 2 hour flight flight we had to turn back to Gatwick to replace a faulty de-icing valve.

Went to a place the other evening where they use dried grasses for a table decoration. The only problem was that they put them in a vase of water.....

Expense

That was an expensive lunch for 7 - very good though.

Off to Genoa, Milan and Rome for a few days, so a possible hiatus.

Patronus Backlash

Overheard in the Caravan:

Chairman: "I suppose your patronus or daemon would be a cat."

Hay: "Yours would be a pile of crumbs in a mud patch."

Yesterday I was having my weekly dip into that lunatic asylum called the Daly Mail and was amused at an article (on-line) claiming there has been an 'backlash' against the ASDA Christmas advert showing a woman doing all the work leading up to the Christmas Day festivities.

For God's sake - only 33 people complained it was sexist. That's not a backlash - what's going on in Egypt is a backlash, not 33 sad people taking offence at what is essentially reality. I would imagine that the BBC News gets more than 33 complaints on a daily basis. Methinks the DM is trying to manufacture 'news' out of a non-story (oh, what a surprise). 

On another issue, the recently elected PCC for Northamptonshire is busy building an empire of 17 acolytes who will help him in his job overseeing the Northamptonshire Constabulary. The old Police Authority had only 10 members! On the radio yesterday he said he was 'not an expert in policing' and needed assistance. Utter lunacy!

Chipping Sodbury Victorian Day

Not as good as it used to be - becoming more like a copy of the Mop Fair. Simply too many people and 'outsiders'.

Life With the Osbornes

Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls has accused the Chancellor, George Osborne, of trying to argue that black is white. Mr Osborne replied that this was not the case, but if black indeed turned out to be white, then it was a situation he inherited from the last Labour government.

Can't help thinking that ploughing money into public services ain't going to help the recession as much as everyone thinks - when was the last time you bought something from a public service and handed over dosh (except through your tax)? The point of public services is that they're free to the public at the point of delivery. We buy shiny things from the private sector and it's only the flow of capital into the private sector from the public's pockets that will gets the economy systemically moving again and generate sustainable jobs in the longer term.

The corollary of the above is that reducing the tax of someone who is on a low wage (and therefore pays very little or no tax in the first place) ain't going to put much surplus in their pocket to generate demand and aid that flow (it's more likely to go on the food bill, fuel bill, travel bill or to pay off the overdraft); however, reducing the tax of someone who pays 40% tax will generate a considerable surplus with which to buy more shiny things.

Sadly, the latter option is unpalatable to those on low wages/tax or without a job (and hence to politicians too), despite it benefiting jobs, the economy and public services in the long run.

As an aside, reducing corporate taxation will do little or nothing to stimulate job creation. It can only stimulate increased profits or over-production in the face of continued lack of demand for the shiny things (unless that demand is coming from outside the UK, which is unlikely). Demand can only be driven by customers having an increased surplus, so long as it isn't spent on shiny things from abroad.

Who'd be a Chancellor, eh?

Cold & Heat

Well, the air-source heat pump is still turning several degrees minus of outside temperature into heat for the house.

The water pipes to the caravan have frozen solid - thank God the electricity hasn't frozen in the wires!

Man Flu & Morning Sickness

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay: "Badger, what do you like most about me?"

Chairman: "Your cooking and your cleaning."

Yay - reading Prof. Steve Jones' The Decent of Men has alerted me to the fact that there is a scientific basis for Man Flu; testosterone is apparently an immunosuppressant! I knew I wasn't talking out of my arse!

Now that the Duchess of Cambs has morning sickness, will we now finally see an all-party enquiry into the condition, headed by a senior Law Lord?

I guess we're going to see wall-to-wall news, current affairs and health coverage of "women's problems" on TV and national radio now.

Overheard in the Caravan

No.1 Son: "Dad, were any members of our family ever in the Nazi Party?"

Chairman: "Not to my knowledge, although I do remember my Dad occasionally calling my mum The Gauleiter, saluting her with an outstretched arm and muttering 'Sieg Heil' under his breath"

I see the Cambridges are about to welcome another benefit claimant into the Royal Family.

Vodafone Westland in Retirement

Overheard in the Caravan:

Hay is cutting up some vegetables for a meal.

Chairman: "Are you doing a boeuf bourguignon?"

Hay: "What, which this ham joint???"

Chairman: "Are you doing a ham bourguignon?"

Later:

Chairman: "Come and watch this news video about a dog adopting some tiger cubs."

Hay: "That's going to end in tears - the next headline will be 'Tiger cubs eat family'."

I hear soldiers are being asked to work from home over Christmas. Hope they don't start taking tanks home to patrol their drives...

My God, but the Vodafone website hacks me off. Firstly it's so damnably slow. Yesterday I couldn't even log off due to them:"Making some changes to the site," which seems to be something they're going every 5th nanosecond and an excuse for everything.

Once logged in, you get a picture of some paunchy, receding bloke in his late 50s kitted out in Vodafone regalia asking if he can help you - a bit like the assistants you find shuffling around B&Q. I ask you - when's the last time someone over 50 helped you with your mobile (in fact, when's the last time you saw a bloke over 15 behind the counter in a Vodafone shop)? It's like being offered help with your grammar by George W Bush.

Talking of the assistants behind the counter in Vodafone shops, I generally tend to shy away from the girls, as the natural assumption is that they're as ignorant of the controls of a modern phone as they are of the motorcar, but I was totally surprised last week when I had occasion to visit.

My new Samsung Galaxy Note 2 had taken it upon itself to start talking to me, which was rather embarrassing, to say the least when stood in a queue in the post office and it started blurting out my inbound Freecycle emails to all and sundry. On top of that, it was impossible to switch off the bloody TalkBack, as it is called (makes it sound like a wife), as the facility interfered with the scrolling. Surprisingly, the girl-child in the shop managed to crack the knack and in not time the phone was back to normal.

I suppose it's got more to do with the fact that it's usually girls who you see walking down the street engrossed in their phones to the exclusion of everything else in the universe - a bit like when they're driving.

Talking of the over 50s, one hears most of us have made little or no provision for pensions when we retire. What's retirement? Didn't think retirement was something my generation could even contemplate!

I was watching James Dyson fly overhead in his 15 seater Augusta Westland yesterday morning (he lives a couple of miles up the road and regularly makes a damed nuisance of himself by flying the bloody thing over us like a demented bee - occasionally at treetop height) and wondered whether his helicopter uses Cyclone technology.

Dishcloth Packaging of Liberty

I hear Grayson Perry has gifted some of his "tapestries" to the nation. I'm sure the nation will be gratified to have something to wipe the dishes with.

Australia has implemented not-so-plain packaging for cigarettes, depicting all the nasty diseases one can get from smoking. I wonder if plain-packaged cars will be next, depicting hideously tangled road wreckage on the paint job, or booze bottles showing cirrhotic livers on the labels?

Shami Chakrabarti of civil rights group Liberty has said that the Leveson press reform proposal would be illegal and contravene the Human Rights Act. Given the foregoing, she could not support it. Now that presupposes that the Human Rights Act is itself perfect in every respect. I don't suppose it has crossed her mind that the Human Rights Act is an imperfect piece of legislation and itself requires reform.

The crux of her argument is that the press would be subject to a higher degree of regulation than anyone else.  Personally I feel that those with greater power should be regulated to a higher degree than those with less power. The whole purpose of the Leveson proposal is to curb the abuse of excessive power by those with deep pockets. It's not a level playing field - and that's what human rights should be about.

Spin on Watchdogging Marriage

Some are saying we can't have government in charge of the press - I ask whether we can have government in charge of the country - that's surely more important? In any case, I think this press or government control polarisation is a red herring - it doesn't have to be a government organ that's the press watchdog.

Is an independent press watchdog something to do with newsprint and casual sex in car parks?

Talking of sex, I'm currently reading an excellent book on the Y chromosome by Steve Jones called Y: The Descent of Men (well recommended). I was amused by a quote from J.B.Priestly about marriage being a long, dull meal with desert at the start.

Apparently the UK has come 6th in a league table of global education standards. I smell a rat - and the fact that the report was published by Pearson (those who own EDEXCEL) makes it look like a rather large one of elephantine proportions. Among the criteria for positioning is the number of students in higher education. When you cram universities with students who are obviously ill-equipped academically to study for a degree and create vast numbers of worthless degree courses, the result can only ever be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Simple bums on seats improves the rankings. A clear case of spinning like a top.

Getting worried about Hay's dad - he couldn't find the TV zapper the other day and found it later in the fridge. He's just taken delivery of some hearing aids - he swears that if he wears them on the wrong ears, then he hears sounds upside down.

Vilifying Leveson - Woof

Was watching Rolf Harris' Animal Clinic thing on TV last night. There was a Yorkshire Terrier with a tumour and and it must have cost his owner a small fortune in radiation treatment to have it zapped and add no more than 6 months to its life. An hour and a half on gas mark 6 with an onion up its bum would have sorted it much more economically, and afforded a nice meal for four afterwards too. I detest Yorkies (or rather their owners) - they're not so much pets as surrogate children.

I wonder which national daily will be printing salacious details from Lord Leveon's lurid past? The Daily Mail is already calling him Old Liverspot. Will they never learn? The piece was written by one Quentin Letts, who is a member of the suspiciously named Savile Club....

Yes, the innocent do have recourse to legal means to prosecute newspapers for defamatory stories, but not everyone has the cash reserves that newspapers have to fight a protracted battle. Using the law is a war of attrition, with money as the arsenal.

In the years of the Press Complaints Committee's existence till 2009, it had received over 24,000 complaints. 90% were rejected on technical grounds without even being investigated; 1,000 were rejected due to not being filed in time; 2,000 were rejected due to being made by 3rd parties; 7,000 complaints were deemed outside their remit.

In all, the PCC has actually investigated 2,770. 2,322 were resolved (according to the PCC) by the news organ printing a hasty retraction before an adjudication (and we all know how small they are). Only 448 complaints  resulted in an adjudication by the PCC, half of which were rejected. Only 197, or 0.69%, were upheld. (Source - Flat Earth News) Not a very good record - and the Daily Mail (unsurprisingly) is the worst offender.

I wonder when St Noel Edmonds will fall foul of the dailies for some past indisctetion?

Health Scare!

Apparently there's concern over the amount of salt in salt, fat in butter and sugar in sugar.

Meths Pricing

So strong lager is to go up. Thank God they didn't touch meths! As it is I've worked out it's going to cost me £2k a year extra.

If people are prepared to go deep into debt to buy iPhones, flat-screen TVs, kitchens, etc, (and history has proven that they are), then a few bob on the price of a bottle of lager ain't exactly going to faze them.

Mind you, the good swag shouldn't go up at all (in theory), as it's already far too expensive.

CSI Gourmet Burger

I was reading a TripAdvisor review on a place in Bath with a disproportionately high number of Excellent reviews - it goes thus:: "I have been to this cafe/restaurant a couple of times now and loved it both times. The quality of the food is outstanding - really outstanding. Without doubt the best burger I have ever eaten."

That last sentence kind of ruined the mental image the writer was building in my mind...

Question: why do the CSI people on the Channel 5 TV program always seem to to their office work in the middle of the night?

Tribal Rules for the Galaxy Note 2

A poll suggests British pupils should learn more about Christianity and how it has affected British history. I do tend to agree. More than half (58%) said it was important for children to know about the history of Christianity, major Christian festivals (56%) and how it distinguishes right from wrong (51%).

The latter appears to have be determined by some arbitrary (and in some cases illogical) decisions made by a bloke who wrote down some tribal laws about 3,000 years ago in a patriarchal society far, far away from here. Surely it's about time some of these rules were updated by Act of Parliament (and logic) and made relevant to the here and now?

I adore the Damsung Galaxy Note 2 I got last week - bloody fantastic. However, I have one complaint - the charging port is in the wrong position. It's in the base, which means if you want a flip cover, you can only charge it with the flip open, as there's no suitable hole in the cover (even if it had a hole, you couldn't open the cover while charging. There's also the issue of extracting the S Pen from the bottom of the device, which is nigh impossible with a vertical flip.

So I bought another cover that flipped open sideways - but it flips to the left, making opening it to take a call a bit of a nightmare and you have to bend the lid right back on itself so you can get your hand around the machine, which ain't going to make the cover last all that long. Worth the hassle though.

On Sunday morning we had the Great Old Sodbury Landslide, caused by the excess water in the escarpment up the road. 6 houses were evacuated to The Dog - I expect those taking up residence weren't too upset (no damage to the houses, but plenty of booze on tap).

Still recovering from my bout of severe Man Flu and coughing up all manner of nasty bits. The worrying thing is that I've completely lost my sense of taste (and I don't mean sartorial - that went when I turned 50).

Uniform Post

You know those adverts for uniformdating.com? What happens to people who meet on it and then one of them gets made redundant? Is that the end of the relationship?

Not the best basis for a relationship, I think...

The National Elf

Overheard in the Caravan, Watching a Film 

Hay: "Is Hugo Weaving Australian or a New Zealander?"

Chairman: "Neither - Elven."

Lunatics Are Running the Asylum

If news reports are to be believed (and they rarely are), the lunatics are indeed running the asylum in Rotherham.

As someone who has voted UKIP and has views aligned with UKIP on most issues, I find myself branded as racist by social workers in the People's Republic of Rotherham.

The Other Half

One hears that Chelsea is to pay Roberto Di Matteo £60k a week until he finds a new job. Heartless bastards!

The Distaff Side

The irony of the failure of the CofE to vote for female bishops is that their supreme governor is a woman - Her Majesty the Queen, who is senior to any bishop.

However, it doesn't affect me as I'm not an Anglican, nor indeed a Christian.

I blame crypto-Catholics...

A Load of Horse Poo in Superman's Gaol

If swear I'll explode if I hear one more government minister blame "the mess we inherited from the last government" for their own incompetence. How long can they go on trying to fool all the people all the time? They don't seem to realise it makes them sound out-of-touch, arrogant and impotent. They seem to think we're the kind of idiots who will believe anything, so long as it's repeated often enough.

One hears there's a new proposal to kit out old lags with a mentor when they come out of prison. I reckon what's needed is a mentor for ex MPs to stop them standing for another constituency and going back to a life of crime and corruption. Also a mentor for Cameron to stop him consorting with and hiring people of dubious reputation.

Talking about complete disconnections with reality - listening to the Egyptian President having a go at Israel, it's hard to believe he's trying to broker a ceasefire. With brokers like that it's surprising there's not a war breaking out right now between Israel and Egypt! I'd say that Hamas is definitely in the weaker position and for their leaders to be dictating terms to the Israelis is hubris at its apogee. Remember what I said on Sunday about compromise not featuring in the middle east psyche? Monster-macho posturing is the order of the day.

Jockey Frankie Dettori has apparently tested positive for a performance enhancer. I wonder what a jockey can take that makes his horse run faster - a laxative perhaps?

Was doing a Wiki on my old cowboy TV program heroes from when I was a kid - Cheyenne (Clint Walker), Bronco Layne (Ty Hardin - or Orison Whipple Hungerford, Jr), Rifleman (Chuck Connors), Branded (Chuck Connors). I always thought Clint Walker would have made a fine Superman. I was surprised to find he's still alive.

Get my new Samsung Galaxy Note 2 today - if I can drag myself out of my sickbed. Man Flu again!

Time-Wasting Arab Celebrations

Cameron is apparently waging a war on time-wasting appeals. I wish the same philosophy had been applied to time-wasting elections for Police and Crime Commissioners. Is the man short of a few brain cells?

Anyone remember this clip from Harry and Paul?

Price of Alcohol in Gaza

Another attempt to control the price of alcohol is in the wind. Why don't they just legislate for the volume of alcohol in drinks, rather than trying to muck about with pricing? I'm sure I wouldn't notice all that much if beer, wine or spirits had their alcohol content reduced by say 10% or 15%.

Was watching tweets and email feeds about the Gaza situation on the BBC website yesterday and saw this one:

"John, Great Cacapon, USA emails: Besieged Palestinian Gaza is an experiment in provocation. Stuff one and a half million people into a tiny space, stifle their access to water, electricity, food and medical treatment, destroy their livelihoods... and, surprise, surprise - they turn hostile.."

What John seems to forget is that Gaza has a 11 km border with Egypt, where there's a border crossing called Rafah. One could  equally ask why medicine, water, electricity and food don't cross this border from Egypt and the Palestinians have to resort to using tunnels to smuggle goods and weapons. The answer is because the Egyptians closed the crossing when Hamas took over - even the Egyptians don't like Hamas.

20 Turbines Please in Gaza

Why is it people are so against wind turbines? Would they rather have a coal-fired power station on their doorstep? I know which I'd prefer, not that I believe they are a long term solution to our power needs - that can only come from nuclear fusion.

The common complaint is that that turbines blight the landscape - so why don't we put them in areas that are already blighted, like Manchester, Birkenhead, Birmingham and Hackney? Problem solved...

Talking of blighted areas, what's to happen in Gaza? The problem is that we in the West use negotiation to solve these kind of problems, which invariably involves both sides making concessions. This concept is alien to the Semitic mind; concession is interpreted in the Middle East as a sign of weakness that is is despised and to be taken advantage of.

Our solutions are not applicable to the Arab-Israeli conflict, the root cause of which goes back a century and a half and not just to 1948 or even the Balfour Declaration - it could even be said to have its seeds in the destruction of Jerusalem by Hadrian. You can't go poking a dog with a stick and not expect it to bite you - and that applies equally to both sides in the conflict.

The tragedy is that people view conflict only from their own position and trying to attach blame when the history goes so far back is an exercise in utter futility. We are where we are, as they say.

I've just heard that Lord McAlpine is a Tory. Disgusting!

PCC Travisty in IKEA for Celebs in Need

I do believe we have Tarquin Fim Bim Lim Bim Wim Bim Bus Stop F'tang-F'tang Ole Biscuit Barrel as our PCC. Can't be any worse than the other monkeys who were standing, despite us knowing absolutely bugger all about any of them and their identical Daily Mail policing policies. At least she's an independent rather than a party apparatchik, but still knows diddley squat about the police.

Join the revolt!

It never surprises me how politicians, like Cameron and Damian Green, are so adept at sticking their heads in the sand and transforming an absolute and humiliating drubbing into a brilliant victory. The spirit of Dunkirk - or is it total and utter disconnection with reality - is alive and well in politics. They haven't exactly covered themselves in glory!

You know, I thought the local Bristol IKEA staff sounded a bit German and looked somewhat undernourished.

Dave Lee Travis arrested. It's a Travisty! So the guy allegedly groped some full-grown women in the 70s and 80s. I'd better make a full confession then, 'cos I sure as hell did similar. What the hell is the world coming to when we judge the distant past according to the overly PC mores of today? Methinks the backlash against political correctness is not too distant.

Talking of DJs - John Torode and Dr Fox - separated at birth?

Was watching Celebs in Need on TV last night. Bit of a bugger when they start to use canned laughter. It's getting somewhat self-indulgent, what with charity money for bereavement counsellors for children who have lost their mothers to breast cancer. What happened to the days when your family and friends were your bereavement counsellors? Bloody woo-woo parasitic industry!

Am I getting a tad cynical in my middle years, or is it just that the world seems to be going completely gaga with mass hysteria? I blame eating meat.

Out of Hand

Just can't help feeling this Jimmy Savile extension thing is getting a bit out of hand. I'm sure Jeremy Paxman looked at me a bit funny through the TV when I was watching University Challenge the other night. Can I sue?

Is CBBC nothing more that a front for grooming children?

Standards in Journalism at Hotels

I was listening to the BBC News on TV last night and there was an item about nursing cuts. The Royal College of Nursing said something about 20% staffing cuts; the government said the RCN was scaremongering. I was left none-the-wiser. This seems to typify news reporting - put one side and then put the other, with no attempt whatsoever to dig deeper and deliver the truth to the viewer/listener. It's all about "balance" and not "truth". I remember the days when journalism was about analysis and finding the truth within stories.

Heard an item on the news just now that schizophrenics are not receiving the care they need - or so the voices in their heads are telling them.

Hotels have generally implemented a system where you have to use your room card to operate the lift. Not sure why - I've evaded such systems many a time by simply using the stairs (if it's a couple of flights) or jumping in straight after someone else. Sometimes these systems aren't at all intuitive, especially after you've lost all your intuition after a good dinner and a skinfull of booze with a client or mate you haven't seen in years.

There were one or two interesting things to be seen at the exhibition yesterday:

A nice model of a megayacht.

A nice teak and stainless steel gangway.

I just seem to have a thing about chandeliers at the moment.

Oops - don't know how that one got in there.

Excess as a Lifestyle Choice

I'm in Amsterdam at a super/megayacht exhibition for the next couple of days. How the other half live - there will be more money at this exhibition than you could shake a Coutts account at!

Eton Mess

Yesterday I was perusing a Sunday Telegraph's school photo of Archbishop Justin Welby during his time at Eton. It was startling that the overwhelming majority of the names on the photo seem to have parasitic jobs in finance, stocks and hedge funds rather than jobs involved in making things. Eton seems to have a stranglehold on the money markets.

The media is bleating that regulation is not the way to clean its Augean stable of bad journalism and fabrication, yet not so long ago the very same media was howling for tighter regulation of the financial industry. Both industries peddle falsehood and have the power to make innocent people's lives a misery - as far as I'm concerned, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. The occasions of the Daily Mail being in the dock and having to apologise for fabricated stories are legion. It costs them less, however, to keep paying compensation than to get their facts right.

It's an Air-Source Heat Pump Jim, But Not as We Know it

Hay has renamed the oven mitt, Romney.

Been having problems over the last 4 weeks with the air-source heat pump tripping. I suspected it was something to do with overheating of the warp-core, a paucity in the quality of the dilithium crystals or flux density fluctuations in the gravimetric couplings. The engineer sent to have a look thought it was a couple of micro-switches which hadn't been set properly. He was right and all is now hunky-dory.

I have to say that this under-floor heating is marvellous - the house is warm, but there's no indication of where the heat is coming from; it's just nice and cosy. Also the house is heated with water at only 45 degrees and setting the room thermostats to 18 degrees is more than ample. Once a week a thermostat cuts in and an immersion heater warms the water to 65 degrees to kill any Legionella. 

During the day the power to the air-source pump (and everything else in the house) comes from the solar PV array, and if the sun is around in the mornings or afternoons then the solar thermal panels heat the water in the tank.

I'm altogether well-pleased with the system.

At some time in the future we may invest in a rainwater capture system and use the water to flush the loos.

Still can't see us being in the house before Xmas, as the bathrooms still need lining with limestone and the bathroom furniture fitting, the oak flooring needs to be laid, the spiral staircase needs erecting and the cooker/range and backup wood-burner need to be delivered and installed.

If everything arrived tomorrow, then there would be a good chance of getting in before Xmas, but scheduling deliveries is problematic and everything remaining is on the critical path to completion - sequentially.

We went into Bristol yesterday to do some clothes shopping. There should be some theraputic emporia in the middle of towns where women can go just to fondle clothes - it's all the ever seem to do in shops. I'm convinced at least two thirds of shop assistants' time is spent re-folding the stuff women rumple up with all their fondling. We men only ever fondle or try clothes on if our womenfolk are with us - otherwise we just buy what we consider to be our size, and if it's wrong, then tough, it just goes to the back of the wardrobe.

Nominations for the Daily Mail

Apropos of yesterday's post on the new Archbish of Cadbury - apparently this young whippersnapper has only been a bish for a year. It won't be long before they choose someone who has never even been ordained.

Actually, I think they did that before - although Thomas Beckett was actually ordained the day before he was appointed to the post.

I wonder if the new appointee will  find a deposit of shale oil below Lambeth Palace?

Who would be your non-ordained nomination for the role of Arch Fantasist of Cadbury (he must be a fantasist - he said he sees a rosy future for the CofE at a time it's tearing itself apart)?

Been listening to more party political hot air on the role of the Police and Crime Commissioners. Everyone standing is crowing (while wearing a party political hat) that the role of the PCC should not be politicised - so why are the vast majority of candidates standing on a party ticket and being funded by the parties? Shouldn't the political parties just stand aside and say it's up to individuals to get nominated? It's scandalous, rank hypocrisy!

Democracy is only of value when there's an informed electorate - and your average bloke on the Clapham Omnibus (which includes me) hasn't a clue about policing. Democratising the role of who oversees the local police force is therefore a total nonsense - you may as well democratise pest control.

I'm upgrading the shiny thing later this month and have been preparing my HTC Sensation to make the transition to a Galaxy Note 2 as smooth as possible - with 1,500 odd contacts, photos, music and a plethora of apps, that won't be easy. While playing with the HTC I thought I'd download the Daily Mail app for a few minutes' amusement - it was like spending 10 minutes in a lunatic asylum. Just imaging the savings to the public purse by ridding ourselves of the judiciary and the police and instituting "Trial By Daily Mail" - or even "Trial By BBC Newsnight" after what happened this week!

I've been reading a book (Flat Earth News, by Nick Davies) about the parlous state of British journalism, caused by the commercial motive of people like Murdoch and the pressure to get stories filed for publication. Apparently it leaves no time at all (or even people) for checking facts, with predictable results and even complete fabrication of stories. One is reminded of dodgy dossiers and how the media can be cynically and easily manipulated by those who understand its workings. Apparently most of what we read or hear as news is recycled feeds from just two sources - Associated Press and Reuters. Insert your story into those feeds and you're guaranteed publication.

I see a bloke has developed a baby video camera system so parents can now go to the pub, or even on holiday, with complete ease of mind while their children safely sleep at home.

It's An Age Thing for Archbishops

It used to be that seeing young policemen made me feel old, now it's seeing Archbishops of Cadbury who are younger than me. The really worrying time will be when Chinese leaders look younger than me.

Apropos of the new Archbish - we Brits have a natural distrust of religious people who exhibit absolute certainty over that about which it's absolutely impossible to be absolutely certain, like Mitt Romney and fundamentalist Muslims. We prefer our religious people to exhibit a bit of rational doubt over a few thorny theological issues (like whether Jesus actually rose from the dead or was the son of God) and to maintain at least one foot in reality. Mild eccentricity, as opposed to fundamental certainty, is the hallmark of our religious leaders - we find them less threatening and far less likely to want to force us to believe in unsubstantiated opinion.

The Female of the Species

A friend who reads my blog challenged me yesterday over my assertion that women are psychic. It seemed to come as a surprise to him.

It is a little known fact among young males of the species that women have an innate and transcendent ability to tune into the abstract. They cast their psychic aura into the interstices of subspace and gather such esoteric knowledge as the date of their own birthday, those of their children and various anniversaries that have deep significance (obviously only to them), like wedding anniversaries. Believe it or not, they even seem to know what day it is without reference to a newspaper or their computer's clock. It's almost as if they are one with some cosmic quantum-calendar.

I've heard it said that some women even have the ability to correctly recall the ages and names of all their children and to not mix the kids' names up during times of stress or general disinterest. This is a truly prodigious feat of recall which cannot in any way be called natural.

Take Hay, for example. She has an almost Godlike ability to precisely predict bin day and recycling collection day. These days are so obviously arbitrary that I have concluded they are selected each week by a roll of the dice at the local depot. If Hay happens to be away for any reasonable length of time then I'm in grave danger of drowning in a sea of cardboard, plastic, glass and tin.

Women are also telepathic, which can sometimes be the cause of friction with their male partners, as women are curiously oblivious the the fact that men are not similarly endowed. Even when told that men are not mind readers, the information simply doesn't seem to sink in - many are the times in my life I have used the phrase; "I'm not a bloody mind reader, you know!", but to no avail. It's as if there's a mental block to assimilating that nugget of information. Women just assume that men must be similarly in possession of their metaphysical telepathy and precognition.

Tight Fit

I've been putting on a bit of weight recently and appear to have migrated from a 34 inch waist to a just under a size 36 - although I believe it has more to do with clothes manufacturers under-sizing trousers than weight gain.

Yesterday I went to the local charity shop and managed to find 3 pairs of trousers of the 36 inch variety which are identical to 3 pairs of the 34 inch variety I already own. St Peter's Hospice shops are good like that, they get all the brand new Marks Spencer rejects and end of season stuff, so you can almost guarantee you'll get the same trousers time after time - and in a range of sizes (where else can you get 3 pairs of trews for £17?).

Over dinner I mentioned to Hay that my (supposedly) 34 inch waist trousers are getting a bit large and showed her the slight excess of waist-band, hoping she'd stop bugging me about piling on the pork and the waxing girth - at least for a while. Rather than praising me, she said she'll take them to the charity shop and get me some 32 inch waist trousers.

Another brilliant idea scuppered by a bloody woman. Just wondering when I should fess-up - although with her being psychic (all women are), I suspect she knew all along...

I Wonder About Politicians

I wonder how much ash dieback disease will be transmitted by the 500 odd, well-meaning inspectors charging up and down the country inspecting ash trees for signs of ash dieback disease.

I wonder how many companies will reduce the wages of their staff to the entirely voluntary (and hence completely fatuous) Living Wage and then crow in all their marketing material that they pay their staff a Living Wage?

Got another batch of voting stuff for the Police and Crime Commissioner thing yesterday. Put them with the other PCC stuff that came through the post - in the kindling bucket. Pointless exercise - crime has gone down here by 6% and these damned-fool politicos are saying they will reduce crime by putting more police on the streets. How the hell are they going to do that (not that it's even necessary) when central government has reduced police numbers? Boycott the damned thing, I say - exercise in democracy, my arse! More like jobs for failed politicians. If it ain't broke, don't try fixing it.

I looked up the website of the only independent candidate - the usual clap-trap about impossible aims and democracy, but not one word about her background or expertise in management or policing.

I hear that the police investigating the Jimmy Savile case are following up allegations that Freddy Starr is a comedian.

Teenage Mobile Winter Clothes Syndrome

The one sure way of curing No.1 Son's desire for new clothes is to take him clothes shopping in Bath.

Had our first touch of winter yesterday - 6" of snow on the Cotswolds on the way to Bath.

My mobile contract expires on the 22nd. Thinking of migrating from the HTC to a (rather large) Samsung Galaxy S3. Have you noticed how the iPhone doesn't seem to have changed at all? The 5 looks exactly like the 4, which looks exactly like the 3. Are they stuck in a rut?

Porridge

Yesterday I was rather concerned that I kept finding bits of porridge in my hair - couldn't for the life of me think how it got there.

This morning all became clear - it's that bloody oatmeal soap Hay bought. Bloody stuff sticks like nuclear glue - hadn't washed it out properly.

Magical Religions & Bras

No.1 Son: "God knows why we have the do RE at school - I might as well learn magic. Actually, magic would be more fun!"

Why didn't the StarTrek people ever commercialise and mass produce 7 of 9's bra? It would have sold out in seconds and cornered the market. In fact, a complete range of 7 of 9 lingerie would have sold well.

The Savile Enquiry.

In the rush to eradicate Jimmy Savile's name from hospitals to new towns, do you think Savile Row will suffer?

A whole swathe of Top of the Pops re-runs will now have to be trashed and BBC2's output has been compromised.

What about the name Jimmy - will St James' Hospital (known as Jimmy's) have to change its name.

Will anyone called Jimmy be hounded out of the local community and be forced to live on the streets?

Will going for a Jimmy take on a whole new meaning?

Will anyone be able to go down to the Gym without hanging their heads in shame?

From the latest arrest, it would appear Ringo Starr is going to have to revert to his real surname of Starkey.

To Switch, Or Not to Switch - That is the Question

They've launched a new 4G mobile network in the UK.

Now the chances are that all the geeks, who clog up the 3G network by spending every available minute downloading crap from t'internet, will jump at 4G immediately. The result will be that the old 3G will be freed up for us old farts from Much Foreboding-in-the-Marsh to occasionally check our emails.

No point in switching, as far as I can see...

Hand Double

Hay is convinced Nigella uses a stunt hand double for her cooking program. She's also convinced it's a 10 year old child, as she's never seen someone so cack-handed when it comes to slicing and chopping.

Foreign is as Foreign Does

Gangs of Greek neo-nazis are targeting foreigners in Athens.

What these thugs don't realise is that they too are foreigners. They must be; they aren't British...

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Had to drop No.1 son off at Bristol Parkway this morning at 6am - he's off to London today to some anime festival in Docklands.

It's dark, it's cold, you think you've just gone over the last road hump (which in this case is one of those aggressive tyre-bursters) and you speed up - only to hit the hump you forgot about and is not very well lit. You end up with a burst tyre and having to change it in the cold and the dark.

Toilet Rules

Have you noticed that, the world over, if you enter a doorway that says 'Toilets', then the convention is  gents to the right and ladies to the left?

The exception to the rule is Bristol Airport baggage hall.

Grumpy

Why is it that when anyone gives someone tea of coffee, it's naturally assumed that, if they take sugar, only one spoonful will suffice.

Why has spoonful got only one l? Illogical!

Why was my colleague Bentzi frisked in Stockholm airport security by a woman, and I wasn't frisked at all?

I suspect the plane I took from Stockholm to Amsterdam yesterday evening was some form of football special; just as soon as the seatbelt lights went out, about half the blokes on the plane got up to queue for the 2 toilets at the back - they'd obviously been drinking a lot of something before boarding. Within 15 minutes of take-off the beers were being sold, with the result that the 'bladdertrorial' exhibition redoubled in effort and right until the last 30 minutes of the 2 hour flight the queue never got below 10 blokes. Have to say they were totally unlike British football supporters (if indeed that's what they were); not a single problem from them, despite the Viking blood (and alcohol) in their veins.

Where's the Beef for Police Commissioners

It's Monday, so I'm off to Scandahooliga and Holland for a few days.

Will leave you with this and a few associated thoughts:

1. Is the British public really so thick that such a warning is necessary?
2. Why on earth would you microwave a beef joint in the first place?
3. Is this a way of telling the British housewife that she's both unintelligent and a shit cook?

Our voting registration cards for the vote on Police and Crime Commissioners arrived in the post on Saturday. Haven't the vaguest idea who is running for the job in our area - even the official website can't tell me who is standing until the 26th October, not that I'm really interested (bound to be another bloody politician - they're the only bastards who can afford to stand). 

Pure waste of time and a complete farce. We ripped up our cards and won't be bothering to vote. Asinine idea; it it ain't broke why spend millions trying to fix it.

The Scottish Question for Non-Dom Plebs

I think I've discovered what the question will be in the Scottish referendum. It's not quite on par with the intricacies of the Schleswig-Holstein question, or the confusion of the East Lothian question. It's: "Should Mars Bars be deep or shallow fried?"

Noticed a Daly Mail headline while delivering the papers this morning that criticised Bradley Wiggins for joining a tax avoidance scheme. That's a bit rich, of you'll pardon the pun, when the boss of Associated Newspapers, Viscount Rothermere, is a non-dom for tax purposes. Glass houses, and all that...

One also hears Cameron is prepared to hold a plebiscite on EU membership. Can't use the word 'plebiscite' now, surely?

Flighty Stuff

Was perusing the duty free stuff in Malta airport yesterday before returning home and made a few observations:

1. Swarovski are really into alchemy - they've found the secret of turning shit into gold.
2. Looking at some of the women perusing the perfume counter, I think they should make a perfume called "Menopause" and target it at the businessman buying perfume for his mem-sahib. The marketing spiel could be: "Haven't had sex with the Mrs in years - decades even? Wife looking a bit dumpy and getting crotchety? Buy her Menopause and see her eyes light up!" Hay informs me there is such a perfume - apparently it's called Youth Dew...
3. I noticed all the young ladies appear to be using multi-coloured wellies as a fashion statement.

RyanAir were flogging their branded lottery tickets on the plane. The bloke made an announcement that they were doing a 2 for 1 deal, whereby you get a free ticket with every ticket you purchase.

Now this 'offer' applies to all RyanAir flights - so do the maths. There are twice as many tickets in the lottery and you have twice the number you'd normally purchase (like everyone else who has bought one). Net gain is zero - you still have exactly the same chance of winning. Pointless and a waste of Michael O'Leary's paper - unless he's cynically targeting the dull of mind (which doesn't surprise me one bit, as there are so many of them waiting to be fleeced).

Hassles

E-mail from Hay to Chairman:

"Having a total nightmare with the bathrooms. There's no way of hiding the white plastic waste pipe behind the loo, so some of it will be on show, but I don't think that's a real problem. The towel rail doesn't fit so Gary is going to have to rearrange the pipes coming out of the wall. Colin is having a meltdown about the shower doors. He thinks we need them made-to-measure and fully fitted or the water will splash out everywhere and he doesn't want to take the chance. So I'm going to try and send the shower door back but it's now been ten days and they don't accept returns after 7 days, so I'll have to ask."

"The rope has arrived and Colin has hung himself with it."

I had much more pressing things to concern me, like wondering if I can get on that superyacht in Valetta Harbour.

Or whether the hotel would miss a chandelier or two....

Or why they had to give me this crappy hotel room...

In this crappy hotel...

Sausages

Oops!

Airport Security Under Floor Heating

Don't you just hate those buggers who stand in the airport security line and make no effort whatsoever to prepare for removing metal objects from about their person, and at the last possible moment spend 10 minutes looking for that elusive 5p piece and realising a belt buckle is metal.

Back to the house build.

Under floor hearing was commissioned on Monday - it's fantastic! You get a wonderful feeling of warmth, without any obvious source; it's like walking into a large department store. The floor is not even warm to the touch, but it certainly isn't as chilly as it normally is.

The buggers opened the wrong value in the process and drained down the solar thermal panels. Given they are filled with glycol, a return visit is required to re-pressurise them.

Got notification yesterday that the spiral staircase is ready too, which means we can start fitting the oak flooring in preparation.

With the exception of the cooking range and wood burner, all the major capital items are now paid for and it's just labour from now on - and getting things fitted in the right order. All going well, we could be in by the end of November.

I'm away on business in Madrid today and Malta tomorrow - RyanAir and SqueezyJet. Times are tough for MDs...

Scottish Independence

Should Scotland get independence in a couple of years, will we see hordes of economic migrants flooding across the border? Will the Daily Mail rant against 'those Scots coming here and taking our jobs'?

A Taxing Time for Teenagers

Alex Salmond is arguing that 16 year-olds be given the vote in the Scottish referendum.  I would suggest that anyone who is paying taxes should be entitled to vote (no taxation without representation). Conversely, there's also an argument that those in receipt of overall net benefits should not have a vote, as the vote is about how tax money is spent and to vote on that you should really be a tax contributor (no representation without taxation).

Perhaps, given the high cost of housing these days, anyone leaving full-time education and entering into the tax system should be given a 2 year tax holiday to help them save for a deposit on a house or a rented flat. If they choose to use the money that way, then all well and good; if they choose to piss it against a wall, then it's their lookout. One benefit is that without taxation, and the corresponding representation (at least under my proposed scheme), they wouldn't get their grubby hands on the vote for a few years.

I'm just waiting to hear when the next dead Radio 1 DJ is going to be accused of being a pervert; Alan Freeman, Simon Dee, David Jacobs, Stuart Henry, Kenny Everett. Strange it's only the dead ones - I suppose they're easier targets.

Work Experience in Art

No.1 Son has to do some work experience next year. He'd rather spend the time in school doing GCSE revision and unsurprisingly thinks this work experience thing is a waste of time. Given his aim in life is to enter medicine, I think a spell in a cafe learning how to wash dishes and prepare basic food might stand him in good stead for university life. Actually, the NHS do a lot for Year 10 work experience kids - perhaps he can sit in on a brain transplant...

Hobby horse time again.

A painting by Gerhard Richter called Abstraktes Bild, painted in 1994, was sold for £21m. It has has been described as a "masterpiece of calculated chaos". More like just plain old chaos on its own - there doesn't seem to be a scintilla of calculation in it, if you ask me - if there was, it wouldn't be chaos (duh!). Bollocky-speak...

Sotheby's called it a "paradigm of mature, artistic and philosophical achievement".  They don't half drag up some fatuous, pretentious crap when describing 'art', don't they? I call it Emperor's New Clothes Speak.

Here's one the artist did in 1966. It's called Two Shades of Grey Juxtaposed. Now that's what I call an accurate title and description, but I would hesitate to call it art; paint swatches, perhaps.

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