There it was – in plain sight on a sleepy suburban street, glowing like a radioactive spider web in a Marvel B-movie. This wasn’t a car. This was a cry for help in vinyl wrap.
Supposedly "camouflaged", this masterpiece of poor decision-making appears to be a Vauxhall (possibly) disguised as the result of a geometry teacher’s nervous breakdown. Camouflage? Only if you’re trying to blend into a Tron convention or the reptile house at London Zoo. In any normal town, it stands out more than a streaker at a WI meeting.
But it got me thinking. What would actual urban camouflage look like?
If you really want to disappear in Britain’s streets, don’t dress your car like a cyberpunk snake. No – you go full British. A muted grey base, like seven months of drizzle. Broken white lane markings snaking across the bonnet. Double yellows curling around the arches like go-faster stripes of council oppression. “Keep Clear” scrawled across the boot. One wing mirror replaced with a hanging traffic cone. And maybe a fake pothole on the roof, just in case.
Throw in some strategically placed bird poo, a couple of flat white coffee stickers on the windscreen, and a battered “Temporary Traffic Lights” road sign zip-tied to the bumper, and you’ve got yourself the ultimate stealth vehicle. Park it anywhere and it’ll just look like a bit of roadworks someone forgot to finish – which, let’s be honest, is 80% of Britain’s traffic infrastructure anyway.
So no offence to the Tronmobile, but if you’re trying to hide in plain sight, you’ve gone the wrong kind of dazzle. Try blending into real life, not the graphics card of a 1990s arcade machine. Or better yet, embrace it – whack a disco ball on the roof and lean into the madness.
Because if you're going to be visible from space, you might as well own it.
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