Economic Vandalism

So the economy contracts by a modest 0.3% in a single quarter and up pops Sir Mel Stride, the political equivalent of a paper jam warning, flapping that it’s “Rachel Reeves’ economic vandalism.”

Vandalism? Oh do pull the other one, Mel – it’s got a gilt-edged bond on it. Mel. Mate. If that’s vandalism, what in God’s name was Liz Truss’s budget? Performance art?

Let’s not forget, your lot gave us the shortest Prime Ministerial tenure in history – a fever dream of libertarian cosplay where Kwasi Kwarteng blew a £45 billion hole in the public finances, set fire to the bond markets, tanked the pound, triggered emergency Bank of England intervention, and somehow still found time to crash the pensions sector before lunch.

That wasn’t vandalism. That was Grand Theft Economy – and you all clapped like seals as she did it.

Meanwhile, Brexit – remember that? The one thing you still won’t name in public like it’s Voldemort with a blue passport – shaved 4% off GDP permanently. That’s not a crack in the window. That’s reversing the country into a tree and declaring it "sovereignty."

But now, after a fortnight of grown-up government, you spot a 0.3% dip – entirely in line with forecasts, global conditions, and 14 years of your economic bin fire – and suddenly it’s “vandalism”? Please.

If Rachel Reeves were a vandal, she’d need to crash the pound, hike everyone’s mortgage, fire the grown-ups at the OBR, tank growth, and then strut about in a power suit pretending it was all part of some masterplan. But that’s been done already, Mel. By your party. Ring any bells?

So unless you’re planning to denounce actual economic vandalism – the kind that comes with a Tory membership card and a lettuce shelf life – maybe take a seat. We’ve seen what vandalism looks like. And it signs its name with a budget, not a spray can.