Cows With Tools, Scientists In Shock

So a cow has been “observed” using a tool for the first time ever, and scientists are stunned. Stunned. As if the cow has just wandered into Halfords and asked for a torque wrench.

I’m sorry, but I’ve watched Shaun the Sheep - it was a documentary. If you think farm animals aren’t running a parallel civilisation the moment we turn our backs, you’ve not been paying attention.

The cow scratches herself with a broom and everyone acts like it’s the moon landing. Meanwhile the sheep are already in the shed converting cars to run on cow methane. Little overalls, tiny clipboard, whole thing. It’ll be a proper operation too, none of your amateur nonsense. Neat wiring, labelled switches, and a “Do Not Touch” sign that’s clearly aimed at humans.

And here’s the real point: we’ve spent millennia depriving farm animals of tools, then acted surprised they don’t use tools. It’s not as if we leave CNC milling machines or sets of screwdrivers lying around in fields, is it. We give them grass, fences, and a short life, then declare them thick because they haven’t invented plumbing.

Anyway, give it a fortnight and you’ll be watching the Cow Engineering YouTube channel. “Alright lads, welcome back. Today we’re doing a full methane conversion on a Defender, fitting a new gate latch, and I’ll show you why your feed trough setup is absolute rubbish. Like, subscribe, and mind your fingers around the chop saw.”

And it’s not just cows, is it. Take penguins. We pen them up in a little enclosure, chuck them a fish, and then laugh because they’re not producing beautiful pottery or running a small ceramics studio on the side. What did we expect? You don’t get a Feathers McGraw mastermind when you’ve stuck him behind a pane of glass with a rock and a puddle.

Give a penguin a kiln, a wheel, and a bit of peace and quiet and you’d have tasteful stoneware mugs by Tuesday. Proper glaze work. Little minimalist handles. “Hand-thrown in Antarctica” stamped on the bottom. But no, we keep them penned up, bored stiff, and then act amazed when the only creative outlet they have is standing there looking mildly murderous.

Honestly, the miracle isn’t that one cow used a broom.

The miracle is that more of them haven’t already organised a breakout.