I have a theory. Women wear long hair to stick it to balding men.
Not consciously, obviously. This is not a conspiracy hatched in hair salons, though the amount of whispering and mirrors does make you wonder. It is more structural than that. Cultural. Almost evolutionary. Long hair exists in the world in the same way yachts exist in marinas - as a quiet reminder that some people have resources you no longer possess.
Balding men are uniquely vulnerable to this. Not because they object to long hair in itself, but because it is so very unnecessary. Nobody needs hair down to their waist. It serves no practical purpose. It does not keep you warmer, faster, or better informed. Its function is purely to be there, luxuriating, flowing, catching the light. Which is exactly the problem.
Short hair is neutral. Functional. It says nothing. Long hair, by contrast, makes an announcement. It says: look at this surplus. Look at what I can afford to grow and casually tie up while you are Googling "is my crown thinning or is it the lighting".
And the timing is cruel. Women tend to reach peak hair confidence at precisely the moment men begin to lose the argument with gravity and follicles. Ponytails get longer just as comb overs get shorter. Coincidence? Possibly. But suspicious.
Of course, women will say they wear long hair because they like it. That it makes them feel good. That it is warm, expressive, or part of their identity. This is what people always say when they are doing something devastating without meaning to. Like buying a second home.
So no, I am not saying women grow their hair long in order to torment balding men. That would be absurd. I am saying the effect exists regardless of intent. A sort of passive aggressive abundance. Hair as quiet dominance.
Which is fine. Men will cope. We always do. With hats. With humour. With a dignified silence while standing behind someone in a queue, staring at a cascade of perfectly healthy follicles and thinking, yes, very nice, enjoy it while it lasts.
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