Chairman Bill’s Relationship Harmony Secrets are not, it should be said, the product of theory. They have been stress-tested in live environments, often repeatedly, and occasionally at considerable financial cost.
The chairman begins from a position of experience. Get divorced at least twice. This is not advice so much as a disclosure. It establishes credibility in the same way that a ship’s log records previous collisions. Lessons have been learned. Some of them may even have been the correct ones.
From there, the guidance becomes more operational. Never remarry the woman you divorced. The chairman does not elaborate, which in itself suggests that elaboration was once attempted and did not end well. The underlying principle is clear enough. Time improves memory far more reliably than it improves behaviour.
Domestic management is addressed through the established framework of pink and blue jobs. Without clear allocation of responsibility, both parties will assume the other has dealt with the bins, and neither of them will be correct. Where necessary, one may undertake pink jobs incompetently in order to avoid future assignment. This is an efficient short-term tactic, though it tends to generate downstream liabilities.
Conversely, blue jobs should be conducted with an air of quiet expertise. Even the tightening of a tap may be accompanied by a pause and a thoughtful expression. This discourages oversight, although excessive performance may provoke audit.
The chairman’s views on organisation are equally robust. A cluttered desk is a sign of multitasking ability. It should remain cluttered. This position becomes harder to defend when important documents enter a state of permanent concealment.
Travel presents particular hazards. On the day of departure in a motorhome, silence is the safest course. Something will have been forgotten. Attempts will be made to assign responsibility. Engagement at this stage is unlikely to improve the outcome. On return, a similar restraint is advised. The condition of the house, especially if it has been occupied by children, will already be under active review.
The chairman recognises the importance of shared activities. These need not be entirely authentic. Walking long distances provides proximity and a degree of mutual discomfort, both of which promote cohesion. Cultural engagement may also be required. One should watch selected television programmes with minimal audible scepticism.
Communication is treated with due seriousness. Not all conversations are requests for solutions. Some are requests for sympathy, which is a different service entirely. Failure to distinguish between the two has been identified as a recurring source of difficulty. Similarly, the response “nothing” to the question “what are you thinking?” has been extensively trialled and found wanting.
Administrative discipline is essential. Important dates are not tests of memory. They are scheduled obligations. They should be recorded in an online diary, with reminders and a degree of redundancy usually associated with critical infrastructure.
Timing matters. Serious discussions should not be initiated when either party is hungry, tired, or attempting to leave the house. These conditions are not conducive to reasoned exchange. Nor has the phrase “calm down” ever produced the desired effect, despite repeated field experiments.
Finally, the chairman offers a note on conflict resolution. If you are in the wrong, concede early. If you are in the right, consider whether it is worth proving. Peace is generally available at a modest price. Pride insists on paying more.
Harmony, in practice, is a series of negotiated ceasefires, punctuated by tea.
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