Saturday, 17 January 2009

Saturday 17/01/09

Had an accident yesterday with the new e-cigar I took delivery of. I had it in my back pocket and suddenly it felt as if one of my arse cheeks was on fire. I pulled out the e-cigar to discover the damned thing was going thermonuclear. I then pulled out the battery but had to drop it as it was too hot to handle. For some inexplicable reason it had shorted out inside the e-cigar and being of a phenomenally higher mAh than a standard AAA battery it had nearly melted. Obviously the battery is fried.

Remember the: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life," advert on buses? Well there’s a new story about some Christian bus driver in Southampton has refused to drive a bus with the advert emblazoned on its side. I don’t know why people keep referring to the ad as an atheist ad when it’s clearly worded in agnostic terms. I wonder whether he thinks the bus will be struck by lightning? It’s strange, but it’s always the religious right who turn nasty when someone questions their beliefs. All aboard! Ding-ding!

Deists continually seek an answer to the question ‘why are we here?’ I think I have an answer – we have evolved to fill a vacant ecological niche and provide balance to Gaia. That and to consume.

Once again I reiterate how much I hate my job. My background is in senior marketing roles, but I’m currently (and reluctantly) trapped in sales management. To successfully engage in sales you have to be borderline dysfunctional; you have to learn (or choose) to ignore the signs of deep discomfort in your prospects and obvious fact fact he or she simply doesn’t want to waste time with you and be pressurised into buying your tawdry wares. I’m the kind of person who, when the prospect says no, assumes he actually means no and doesn’t turn into the kind of sociopath who calls you on the phone selling worthless timeshares and parcels of land that has absolutely no hope of being granted planning permission and won’t take no for an answer. That’s why I prefer marketing – you simply pull out all the stops in letting your prospects know in clear and concise language a) what you have to offer, b) the benefits of your products and c) how to contact you – then you simply wait for them to come to you while ensuring that the process of buying is as anxiety and hassle-free as possible and a positive joy. If you do your marketing effectively there’s no real need for a sales force, just order takers. Of course, the company I work for doesn’t do any marketing at all – they don’t believe in it (or even understand it).

Having been there, I can attest to the fact that many parts of India have massive problems with stray dogs. The main problem is that they cause road accidents and have a very high risk of carrying rabies; in fact India has the highest incidence of rabies related deaths in the world. Renowned intellect, some-time porn star and dog lover, Pamela Anderson, has written to the public authorities in Mumbai and suggested that there should be a mass sterilisation programme for the strays as a more humane alternative to them being destroyed. That still doesn’t address the problem of them causing RTAs and being able to give someone a nasty dose of rabies. Pammy said: "It is well established that killing stray dogs is not a permanent solution to controlling their populations." Sorry – have I missed something here? What bit of 1 – 1 = 0 doesn’t she understand? What bloody planet is the woman living on? Unless they’re reproducing at a faster rate than they’re being topped, topping them directly affects population size, as well as their ability to breed. Not only that, it stops them contracting rabies and running in front of cars. I suspect Pam is blissfully and totally unhindered by any semblance of logical though processes. She must have two brains and sport them on her chest.

I’ll probably have the doggy-woggy brigade on my case now. I once ate dog in South Korea. Didn’t know what it was till my hosts told after the meal. With the stuff they cook meat in there you wouldn’t know if you were eating dog or a dishcloth. It’s apparently been illegal to cook dog since the 80s, but restaurateurs frequently ignore the legislation. Before you die you should make the effort to visit a Korean restaurant and eat kimchi, which is fermented cabbage. I love the stuff, but it’s an acquired taste. I once had the misfortune of being trapped in a lift in Busan with half a dozen Korean gentlemen – Koreans eat vast quantities of garlic and the stench is hideous. They don’t just breathe it out, they sweat it out.

A butcher from Barking who sings while chopping his meat in his shop in the mornings has had four charges of breaching noise abatement orders dropped by the local council. The council asked him to soundproof his premises – he informed them that the premises are in fact owned by the council and it was therefore the council’s responsibility. Nice one Mr Butcher from Barking.

The other day there was a news report about a toy remote controlled plane landing in the grounds of Wakefield jail – probably on a drug delivery run. In an idle moment, while waiting for the kettle to boil, I leafed through our storesman’s Daily Star and saw that it had been reported in that august publication as a UFO.

Remember the wind turbine UFO story from last week? Managers of the wind farm in question have restricted access before UFOlogists make the area a mess and trash any evidence. Nick Pope, a UFO ‘expert’ (i.e. someone who is divorced from reality), told a newspaper: "There may be something they don't want people to see." Explanations have been given, such as a secret military aircraft hitting the turbine during a test flight or a turbine blade simply falling off and damaging the other one in the process. Mr Pope said: "If a stealth aircraft struck the turbine, it may be made of some material which is itself top secret." He added: "My view is something big must have hit the wind turbine to cause that damage and it appears in this case that the UFO witnesses are very respectable, and clearly not people who are making this up." I can say the same about people who have religious experiences and claim to have spoken with god. Bloody twonker! The words Occam’s Razor come to mind. It’s been proven time and time again by psychologists (and the courts) that eyewitness testimony is one of the least reliable form of evidence as, for a whole variety of reasons, people love to make things up and interpret events according to preconceived notions and cultural relativism.

Last night Hay gave me what she thought was a memory stick and asked me to see if there was anything on it. I inserted it into my laptop and in self-installed, but didn’t register as a memory location. I thought it might be a dongle and told her it looked a bit like my dongle. She looked surprised and said my dongle was far more attractive, and much bigger.


  1. Hmmm! Aren't you confusing UFOs with Flying Saucers/alien spacecraft etc.? A UFO is just that - an Unidentified Flying Object and as such could be a goose, or an aeroplane or - indeed - something out of the annals of Star Trek.

    On the matter of Ron Heather who refused to drive a bus with the "Atheist" poster on it - the net result has been a huge surge in donations to the campaign at

    I do hope that you have contributed? And yes, I know it's an agnostic message but the media is describing it as an atheist message and I'm just going with the flow! I doubt the majority of readers of the Telegraph are interested in the un-provability of BR's teapot orbiting Mars

  2. Irascible,

    The object had already been identifed a number of days previously as a remote controlled toy aircraft, hence it was no longer a UFO.

    The story was couched in such a manner that it was portrayed as something alien - but what can one expect from a red top?