Apparently, three million people marched through London on Saturday. I know this because a man in a Union Flag gilet shouted it on TikTok and then reposted it with “DO YOUR RESEARCH” written in Comic Sans. That’s all the proof we need, apparently. Sod the Metropolitan Police. Sod aerial photography. Sod that pesky thing called reality. We now live in the age of Tommy Maths – where if it looks big and you feel it was big, then by God it must have been the size of the D-Day landings.
The actual number, according to people who can count without removing their shoes, was somewhere between 110,000 and 150,000. Which is still enormous. But not quite the 3 million that was bouncing around Facebook, lovingly shared by people whose last act of numeracy was believing the bus that said £350 million a week to the NHS.
It’s the same crowd who think the Magna Carta gives them the right to punch coppers and do wheelies on the M25, as long as they shout "SOVEREIGN BEING!" loudly enough. Who needs data when you’ve got vibes and a Canon inkjet to print out your own legal system?
Now, let’s do some real Tommy Maths. The population of London is just over 8 million. So, if 3 million people really had turned out, that’s one in every three Londoners. Now factor in that a fair chunk of the marchers were bused in from seaside towns where St George’s flags outnumber GCSEs – and you’re basically suggesting entire boroughs emptied themselves like a biblical plague just to follow a man who thinks “free speech” means shouting slurs in a car park.
And it wasn’t just numbers – oh no. They also claimed the march was peaceful. A shining example of British values. Apart from the arrests. And the Nazi salutes. And the brawls. And the snarling threats to journalists. And the fact that a lot of them seemed to think they were protesting against immigration on a march about censorship. It’s like attending a climate protest to demand more coal mines.
But Tommy Ten Names doesn’t deal in consistency – only conviction. Preferably other people’s.
So next time someone tells you three million patriots marched through London to save free speech, just nod politely – then ask if they also believe in the £350 million, the moon being fake, and Elvis working in a chip shop in Barnsley.
Because if you can swallow that lot, the idea that Tommy Robinson is a freedom fighter rather than a career grifter is, frankly, small potatoes
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