Beard Creep

 I want to talk today about the male grooming problem of beard creep, which afflicts so many men, and from which they suffer in silence.

I've sported a beard since the day I could grow one, although I will, occasionally, denude my face for perhaps a period of a week before getting fed up with it. My original reason for growing a beard was because I used to get shaving rash in the tropics when at sea, which was extremely uncomfortable.

I trim my beard on my neck with a precise line, the result of which, from the front, outlines the bearded profile of my chin against a bare neck. Between beard length trims, which occur about once a week, I use an electric razor on my neck, which is somewhat imprecise when to comes to maintaining the sharp, beard contour. The result is that, when I do come to pay attention to the beard line, I find the beard has crept about half an inch down my neck toward my Adam's apple.

I'm quite lucky to have been genetically endowed, like my brother, with a good beard growth that enables me to wear what in RN parlance is referred to as a full set - it must be the Neanderthal in me. It reaches to my cheekbones and I have occasionally sported just the cheek tufts during my more playful periods - it's an Alpha-male thing and a visual warning to competing males vying for my dominant position at the peak of the hierarchy that I'm full of testosterone and dangerous.

All my wives have preferred me with a beard which, perhaps erroneously, has led me to the conclusion that women generally prefer men with beards - they are, after all, a prime gender differentiator and a sign of prowess. Yes, some women do grow beards but, in general, and unless they're circus performers, they tend to remove any facial hair the minute it appears.

It has crossed my mind that my wives simply thought my natural face somewhat ugly and the beard disguised that. I asked Hay why she preferred me with a beard and she said it made me look like my mother...