Events Since Tuesday

 This analysis of events since Tuesday showed on my Twitter feed yesterday from a chap called Russ Jones (@RussinCheshire) and I thought I'd share it, less the expletives.

Events since Tues: 

 1. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the haunting end-product of The Child Catcher having hate-sex with a pendulum, was made “Minister for Brexit Opportunities”. 

 2. It is 10,388 days since UKIP began the Leave campaign, so Brexit mastermind Rees-Mogg’s first move was to ask people who read The Sun to tell him what the hell any of it meant. 

 3. The Public Accounts Committee found the only effect of Brexit was severe damage to UK trade. 

 4. The Committee had told Tories for 4 years solid to sort out infrastructure at ports thrown into chaos by Brexit, but they'd done nothing. 

 5.Top Brexiteer Natalie Elphicke said port chaos is DEFINITELY NOT CAUSED BY BREXIT, merely caused by all the things Brexit had done. 

 6. Boris Johnson, an abandoned candyfloss who does Prime Minister impressions, appointed unquestioning apparatchik Mark Spencer to be Leader of the House. 

 7. Spencer is under fire after he allegedly sacked someone cos her “Muslimness” was upsetting fellow ministers. 

 8. In a bizarre spasm, Spencer had voluntarily outed himself as being responsible for this. 

 9. Then he'd deleted the tweet. 

 10. Then he apparently underwent some sort of temporary mental aberration, and wrote exactly the same tweet again. 

 11. Then he denied it was him. 

 12. Now Spencer says “people in the real world” (which he sometimes visits) don’t care about partygate. 

 13. 83% of people said they cared A LOT about partygate. 

 14. John Major said Johnson was a “distinctly shifty” threat to democracy and should resign. 

 15. So Guto Harri, Johnson’s effortlessly terrible new Comms chief, retweeted somebody agreeing with this notion. 

 16. And then he deleted that tweet. 

 17. And then the blathering shambles updated his Twitter bio to plead that he shouldn't be held responsible for what he says. 

 18. Britain's first surviving heart, brain and ethics donor, Lucy Allan, said Major wanting Johnson to quit was “subverting democracy”. 

 19. In 2019 Allan had demanded May quit. 

 20. And only last month Allan said Johnson’s position was “terminal”. 

 21. Off to 8-bit culture minister Nadine Dorries, who was happy for Johnson to lie, be corrupt, dissolve democracy, break international law, and be found guilty of crimes by the Met, but "if he kicked a dog I'd probably withdraw support”. 

 22. Has anyone seen Dilyn recently? 

 23. Dorries then removed restrictions on Murdoch’s interference with the editorial independence of newspapers, which bodes well for democracy. 

 24. Rishi Sunak boasted of his ongoing economic success. 

 25. A report found his plans will push 1 million households into destitution. 

 26. Sajid Javid, an Obscurial crammed inside a suit and forced to work in an office whilst plotting your destruction, pledged 15,000 new health workers. 

 27. Brexit alone cost the UK 26,000 NHS workers. 

 28. And there are 52,000 NHS staff off sick with Covid. 

 29. And 1 in 7 NHS staff plan to quit, citing pay and conditions as the main reason. 

 30. So naturally, Javid promised no improvements in pay or conditions. 

 31. Meanwhile 200,000 new people are infected every day, and Covid deaths are up 43% from last week. 

 32. So Johnson said he’d scrap Covid rules a month earlier than the most optimistic estimates allowed. 

 33. He didn’t even discuss this decision with scientists. 

 34. A SAGE member said “this is pure politics, not science”. 

 35. Chris Witty was “blindsided” by the announcement. 

 36. Gillian Keegan, health minister, knowingly held a face-to-face meeting while positive for Covid. 

 37. The Met, now under new – I’m gonna use the word “leadership” in the absence of anything better – is considering reopening enquiries into Johnson’s refurb and Tory blackmail . 

 38. Kwasi Kwarteng said fraud wasn’t an everyday experience. 

 39. Fraud is up 36%. 

 40. And Rishi Sunak wrote of £4.3 billion lost to fraud in a single year. 

 41. North Korean wannabe Nadhim Zahawi suggested students should be officially banned from criticising Boris Johnson. 

 42. Just as Johnson was telling parliament his partygate crisis was over, a new photo emerged. 

 43. It showed Johnson with tinsel, Santa hats and open bottles of champagne 2 days after he’d told the public “I can tell you once again that I certainly broke no rules”. 

 44. He told MPs the Met has already seen that photo. 

 45. The Met said they hadn't. 

 46. They both talk bollocks, so either could be true. 

 47. Anyway, that’s yet another “work meeting” being investigated by police. 

 48. More than 50 are now being investigated. 

 49. Liz Truss, a foreign secretary you'd expect to get free with a HappyMeal, told MPs the “toughest sanctions” against Moscow would be in place by 10 Feb. 

 50. On 11th she flew off to terrify Moscow with those sanctions, having unfortunately neglected to put sanctions in place. 

 51. Moscow, for some reason unterrified by the clumbidextrous doofus Truss, said speaking to her was “like talking to a deaf person”. 

 52. Her diplomatic mission was so good, reports described her as “throwing insults” and “accusing people of not listening”. 

 53. ITV reported “if anything, the situation is now worse than before she arrived, which is an achievement in itself”. 

 54. Russia then walked out of a press conference Truss had arranged to tell everybody how well her negotiations were going. 

 55. And then, to demonstrate how mighty Britain can be when not held back by the evil EU, Machiavellian genius Boris Johnson went on TV to *publicly announce* his top-secret plan for outwitting Putin. 

 56. All since Tuesday. Haven't the little scamps been busy!