Brexshitters always remind me of that bloke who supports Dulwich Hamlet like it’s Real Madrid.
Standing there in the drizzle, plastic pint in hand, floodlights flickering, and he’s telling you this is the greatest footballing institution on earth. You gently mention the league table. He tells you the league table is biased.
That’s Brexit in a nutshell.
Deep down, I don’t think half of them are fully convinced the EU is the bogeyman they pretend it is. There’s always that tiny pause when you mention trade friction, investment drifting elsewhere, paperwork piling up at Dover. You can see the brain trying to engage. Then the scarf gets adjusted and it’s back to “sovereignty” and “taking back control”.
Because once you’ve nailed your colours to the mast, you can’t very well admit the team might be mid table.
So instead we get the full performance. Everything is woke. Everything is lefty. Net Zero is a plot to confiscate your lawnmower. Wind turbines are apparently a personal insult. Brussels is still somehow to blame, even though we left years ago. It’s like blaming the old manager for the fact the current squad can’t complete three passes without hoofing it into Row Z.
Reform provide the terrace chant. Deport 600,000. Slash taxes by billions. Scrap Net Zero. Drill everywhere. It doesn’t matter that the numbers don’t add up, the logistics are fantasy, or the North Sea is running on fumes. It sounds good when you shout it in unison. That’s the point. It’s belonging, not thinking.
Then comes the flagshagging. Union Flag profile pictures. Caps. Stickers. Performative outrage about anyone who doesn’t clap loudly enough at the national anthem. Patriotism not as quiet pride, but as a competitive sport. The louder the shout, the thinner the argument.
And the EU manages to be both an evil dictatorship and a useless basket case at the same time. All powerful and totally incompetent. Net Zero is destroying Europe, except Europe’s renewables are quietly attracting investment and cutting costs. Nobody ever pauses to notice the contradiction. That would require a moment of reflection, and that ruins the singalong.
So they keep insisting their non league side is secretly Champions League material. Wave the flag, boo the referee, blame the wind turbines, call it common sense.
It’s not analysis. It’s fandom.
And fandom is fine for football. It’s less convincing as a national economic and energy strategy.
I rather enjoy dismantling them with calm, evidence-based reasoning. It’s not about converting the die-hards - you can't convert a football fan. It’s about making sure anyone watching can see the difference between noise and fact - and to give them a laugh.
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