Just After Opening Time

You know how, when there’s a bombing in parts of the Muslim world, reports often say it happened just after Friday prayers? The phrase does a lot of work. It tells you the place was full. It tells you it was timed. It tells you the weekly rhythm had peaked.

It got me thinking what the British equivalent would be.

We don’t really have a single weekly religious congregation any more. If something happened “just after evensong”, most of the country would assume it was a Radio 4 scheduling mishap. Our predictable mass gatherings are secular.

So the British bulletin would read: “The bombing occurred just after Wetherspoons opened on Saturday morning.”

You can picture it. Nine o’clock. The doors swing open. The early congregation files in with quiet resolve. The laminated breakfast menu is studied with monk-like dedication. Coffee for some. A pint for others. The carpet pattern defies science. It is ritual without theology, but it happens every week.

And if you wanted the full, grim symmetry - the so called double tap - you would wait.

“Another device detonated just after the 3pm kick off.”

Now you have the second congregation. Scarves raised like hymn sheets. Chants replacing psalms. Entire towns gathered because the fixture list demands it. Hope, despair, indignation at the referee - all delivered on schedule.

The joke, dark though it is, rests on structure not belief. Friday prayers marks the weekly moment when large numbers gather. In Britain, our weekly congregation points are the opening of Spoons and the 3pm whistle.

We have not stopped assembling. We have simply changed the altar.

And if a newsreader ever did say, in solemn tones, that something happened just after Spoons opened and again just after the 3pm kick off, the entire country would understand immediately. Not because of doctrine. Because we know exactly where we would have been.