Sunday 29/03/09

Bollocking Alert!

You know the feedback thing at the bottom of the posts – the one that says Unfunny, Laugh or Guffaw? I didn’t put it there for the benefit of my health you know. I’d be grateful if more of you buggers would actually use it, as feedback on what interests and amuses you all is all that keeps me going. Writing this blog isn’t exactly a philanthropic gesture!

Bollocking Over!

So far, AdSense has earned me the grand sum of $0.83. The context-sensitive adverts obviously aren’t producing any adverts of relevance to my readership, so excuse me for a few seconds while I insert some context to produce ads more suited to you all.

• Cakes
• Handbags
• Shoes
• Chocolate
• Diamonds
• Dawkins
• Champagne
• Llamas
• Menopause

Handsome is as handsome does. What? Does anyone have the vaguest idea of exactly what that bit of Yoda-speak means? I’ve heard people use it many times in a mystical manner, but never had a clue as to what they were on about and didn’t press the matter. Thought they were slightly deranged.

We’ve booked a barn in Cornwall for New Year and invited Hay’s sister (Michelle) and her partner (Perry). The only problem is that one of us has to use a bedroom with bunk beds. Perry suggested we swap halfway through. I agreed, but neglected to tell him that as far as I’m concerned it will be halfway through the last day.

Hay was rather amused by my toasting acrobatics yesterday morning. I was toasting some crumpets but the toaster is so deep that you have to flick the crumpets into the air and try to catch them before they disappear back into the bowels of the toaster. Took me about 20 attempts yesterday and Hay was creased with laughter. The problem is that the toaster is quite light and therefore I have to use my left hand to stabilise the toaster and my right hand to perform the flick. Once flicked (and the ‘action’ of the flick is not great and hence the crumpet only peeks out, rather than leaping out) I have to use the flicking hand to perform the catch. Obviously I have to improve my crumpet catching skills.

I was reading about Trevor Horn, at whose studios in London both Robbie Williams and Take That are recording separate albums. Horn was co-founder, along with Paul Morely of Art Of Noise. What I didn’t realize was that Horn was also half of Buggles (Video Killed the Radio Star) and he replaced Jon Anderson as lead singer of Yes for some 8 months; however, to be fank, anything post Relayer simply wasn’t Yes. Did you know that Rick Wakeman’s son, Oliver, is in the current Yes lineup?

On doing a bit of leisure research on AoN I came across this from Paul Morely: “I loved the name Art of Noise so much that I forced my way into the group. If over the years people asked me what I did in the group, I replied that I named them, and it was such a great name, that was enough to justify my role. I was the Ringo Starr of Art of Noise. I made the tea. Oh, and I wrote the lyrics to one of the loveliest pieces of pop music ever, Moments in Love. When Trevor and I left, they became a novelty group who had hits with Tom Jones.” Wonderful!

AoN’s album The Seduction of Claude Debussy is one of my all-time favourite albums. It was described by the group as the soundtrack to a film that wasn't made about the life of Claude Debussy. If you’ve never heard it, buy it immediately on Amazon.

That internationally renowned arbiter of good taste, Russell Brand, has been talking about Jade Goody. He said: "When Big Brother 3 made her famous, she was vilified in the papers and bullied in the house, but through her spirit she won people back round and became a kind of Primark Princess with perfumes and fitness videos and endless media coverage - because people were interested in her. They remain interested." The masses are also interested in H Samuel jewelry, The Sun, Argos, shopping centres and MacDonald’s.

He went on to say that people liked her for her authenticity and accessibility. No – they liked to watch a road crash in action. She was certainly authentic, but her sole purpose in life was to push herself into everyone’s face. Not making herself accessible was not an option – that was how she made money from the terminally dull having nothing more intellectually stimulating to do than watching soaps.

That’s a bit harsh, you might think, but if everyone went around seeking fame and adulation by portraying themselves as vacuous leeches then the world as we know it would not exist. I posit that she gave more to society while a dental nurse than at any subsequent stage. More women going for cervical smears following Goody’s diagnosis was nothing more than unintended and accidental collateral benefit, and once the Warholesque broo-haha over Goody dies down there will be no lasting legacy in that area, or any other. The terminally dull voyeurs will move on to the next road crash.

Hay was equating sleeping in the same bed as me as sleeping with a dog on your bed. I upbraided her about this and queried her practice of occasionally allowing the cat on the bed. She replied that a cat is clean. I shot back that cats are filthy, as they’re covered in spit.

As many of my regulars will know, I’m an ex matelot with a good number of years before the mast under my belt. I’m still in the marine market, but have been selling navigation electronics, IT systems and satellite communication equipment into the market for the last 20 years. The current Holy Grail within the maritime market is an anti-piracy device, and a couple of weeks ago I heard about the simplest and most elegant solution to the problem of piracy – nets trailed in the water in the vessel’s wake. Any fast launch coming up from behind a vessel (the best angle of attack) would immediately have its propellers tangled in the nets. Such a simple and cost-effective idea – I’m surprised no-one ever thought of it before.