New Self Defence Laws Please Daily Mail Readers

COME ON TIM !

Sorry, I allowed my Wimbledon fever to get the better of me.

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke has said a householder who knifes a burglar will not have committed a criminal offence under plans to clarify the law on self-defence in England.

Daily Mail Readers up and down the country are now scouring inner-city areas for burglars who have been recently released from prison and tempting them with unlocked houses having notes saying; "Gone on holiday," pinned to the gatepost.

Teams of heavily baseball-bat-armed Daily Mail Readers will actually be lying in wait behind the front door, ready to beat any burglar to a bloody pulp.

I was at a conference in London on Tuesday. There comes a time in every man's life (usually just before he starts to pretend he's deaf) when he realises he should no longer wear light coloured trousers, just in case he disgraces himself in the urinals and doesn't notice it. Dark trousers hide a multitude of dribble sins.

And now something for my younger (and older) readers:

Vile Extremists

There was a headline in the Daily Mail this morning bemoaning the UK's leaky borders. The headline was followed by a photo of some chap with the comment that 'vile extremists' are being allowed to stroll through Heathrow immigration and enter the UK.

What I want to know is who is allowing these Daily Mail Readers to enter the country with such alacrity?

Hottest Place in the UK?

Click on the image to enhance. This was taken from my dashboard yesterday somewhere between Great Yarmouth and the M25. 33.5 degrees C - must have been the hottest place in the UK.

The Prince - China Style

You know, I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that if a senior member of the Chinese government is about to go on an series of official visits, then a few months before there's a programme of locking up a few dissidents. Once the tour starts the dissidents are released at strategic intervals so as to deflect criticism of the regime. Or is that too Machiavellian?

A Trial? No - Send Him to the Asperger's Gallows of Peace

Overheard in the Caravan:

No.1 Son: "I can smell porridge."

Chairman: "P-O-R-R-I......"

No. 1 Son: "No - I said I can SMELL porridge."

Hay: "Was that an old people's home moment there Badger?"

Do you realise that the Daily Mail Tendency forms a large part of UK society and these imbeciles actually have a vote?

I know it’s a bit voyeuristic, but I sometimes read the Daily Mail Readers’ Comments on news stories – just to check they’re still behaving in a stereotypically moronic manner, and they never fail to justify my faith in them.

Yesterday I read the comments on the Levi Bellfield story and was gratified to see that the most highly rated Daily Mail Reader comments were in full support of the reintroduction of the death penalty, regardless of the fact that when the UK had the death penalty, a high number of people were executed who were later proven innocent .

Also, there was a groundswell of moronic Daily Mail Reader opinion that defendants should not be allowed to defend themselves – and of course if you’re arrested for a crime then you must be guilty and it’s actually pointless having a trial, thus saving the government unnecessary cost.

Ryan Cleary, a 19 year-old from Wickford, Essex who arrested as part of a Scotland Yard and FBI probe into online hacking group LulzSec, has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a court has heard. The court was told he is of high intelligence but has difficulty interacting with other people. So how does that make him different from any other 19 year-old?

Londonderry's 'peace bridge' has been officially opened to the public. The only problem is that it was filled with Papist Anti-Christs and Proddy heretics.

Apropos of yesterday's post about the impending teachers' strike; students will not be allowed to enter teacher training in England if they fail basic numeracy and literacy tests three times, under tougher rules to raise teaching standards. The National Union of Teachers said it considered the tests "superfluous", which is rather telling and explains a lot. Teachers are meant to be graduates, and if some are graduating from university without basic literacy and numeracy skills, that also says a lot about university admission policies and secondary school qualifications being worthless fluff (as we've all suspected for years). The whole system, from top to bottom, is corrupt - this is a national scandal and everyone, from the NUT to government, is colluding to cover it up.

Michael Gove has asked parents to go in to schools on the strike day to help out. The NUT, with typical disregard for logic, has said that it's pointless, as pupils won't get taught. Everyone knows that the vast majority of parents use schools as a creche to look after their kids while they're at the bookie or in the pub, and so long as at least one adult is there the purpose is served.

Greek Goddesses at Glasto

Europe bails out Greece while Greek plutocrats continue to engage in their national sport of tax evasion.

Ukraine's ex-PM, Yulia Tymoshenko, goes on trial in Kiev, accused of abuse of power in connection with natural gas contracts. I refuse to believe it - the woman is a goddess, for heaven's sake! Anyone can see that.

No.1 son brought home a letter from school yesterday telling me that I have to take a day off work next week due to his teachers going on strike. The strike argument? Making teachers conform to the average-pay pensions most of us in the private sector get, and making them retire at the same age as we mortals in the private sector do.

If teachers don't like their conditions, then they should do what I do - leave and get another job. However, there is only a relatively small number of teaching posts in the independent school sector, and such schools can afford to choose from among only the best of the public sector. Additionally, while private sector teachers may be paid more, they don't get the gold-plated public sector pensions - swings and roundabouts. I'm afraid I have no sympathy for them in this instance.

Public sector workers are always comparing themselves to the private sector in order to justify various demands, but the boot is on the other foot now and the private sector is in many instances worse off. What's good for the goose is good enough for the teacher.

Glasto - I don't want to see the presenters wining on about their own coolness; I want to see the performers, please!

BB King - 87 and still going strong. During BB's long career many pop stars have been born and have died, but BB is there for the long run.

Never really liked Morrisey when I was younger - thought he was too far up himself. I can appreciate his lyrics now though; basically he was speaking to us in our later years when we could eventually come to understand what he was saying. There's nothing wrong with being opinionated - it's better than having no opinions, or worse still, assimilating someone else's without thinking. Morrisey at least lives and breathes his opinions - Nobbo from U2 certainly doesn't; like celeb perfumes, he's more concerned with image than substance. They do produce some excellent music though - Where the Streets Have No Name!

Wichita Line Something or Other

Poor old Glen Campbell; by the time he gets to Phoenix he'll have forgotten where he's headed. Let's hope that his Alzheimers is easy on his mind, but he certainly won't be able to drive the main road any more. It's just a matter of time, really.

MPs have defied the government and backed a ban on wild animals being used in circuses in England. This was kicked off by a filmed report of a single keeper maltreating a single animal. Now I don't like animal cruelty, but using this logic all UK citizens should be banned from having pets because a tiny minority of the population mistreat them.

Musical Mandarin Cocktail

Millions of Amy Winehouse fans are incandescent that she has cancelled her European pub crawl, denying them the chance to watch a car-crash stage performance rivalling that of Olly Reed at his most inebriated.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists says people over 65 should drink a maximum of only 1.5 units of alcohol a day - that is the equivalent of just over about half a pint of beer or a small glass of wine. Are these people mad? It's precisely the over 65s who need copious quantities of alcohol to enable them to cope with the Nanny State continually telling them what's good for them, rather than letting them get on with taking a few risks with their worthless and gin-soaked lives before dying of some hideous disease or physical abuse in a care home.

The Chairman has learned that Britain's Whitehall mandarins have lost their battle to have their salaries kept secret; however, Chairman Bill demands to know why our civil service is being run by the Chinese.

There's a rumour going round that The Wombles, performing at Glasto this weekend, are in fact Robert Plant, Pete Townshend, Jason Bonham and Eric Clapton.

Spotted Pauline Prescott (Two Jags' wife) on TV last night presenting some programme or other about surrogacy. Talk about big, solid, sculpted hair and eyes like two crows that have flown into a chalk cliff. She should be in a soap as a pub landlady.

The Sound of Grinding Axes

Armed forces chiefs are coming out and saying the cuts mean their fighting ability is compromised. The PM is slapping them down.

Who are the experts in warfare? The defence chiefs! Who have an axe to grind? The defence chiefs! One wonders whether they protest too much. They are, after all, both chief executives of their respective arms and union bosses combined.

A light-sensitive protein in the human eye has been shown to act as a "compass" in a magnetic field when it is present in flies' eyes, boffins have discovered. Men have know this fact for years - it's why their eyes are irresistibly drawn to tits.

A leading composer has called for people who use mobile phones during concerts to be fined. I suggest snipers in strategic locations.

Too much alcohol, drugs, and sex, coupled with poor hygiene, can be a health risk at festivals, an expert is warning. Clever buggers, these 'experts' - I'd never have guessed that myself...

Footballing Mataphors for Sgt. Dixon's Marbles

I am welcoming footballing metaphors for Jack Warner's neat side-step and body-swerve of corruption allegations. However, I never imagined that the avuncular actor who played Dixon of Dock Green would ever face such scurrilous charges - it's like hearing Fruity Metcalf has buggered the bursar - inconceivable! I just hope someone goes ahead and presses charges in a civil action to test the allegations and Warner's claims of (alleged) innocence.

Do you think the Greeks will give up their claim on the Elgin Marbles in return for a loan? No, I don't think so either.

I am banningugly people from reading my blog. I can't police it though - for example, you're looking at it now.

The nights are drawing in again - and about time too!

Drink Driving Mothers

The prime minister said "runaway dads" should be "stigmatised" in the same way as drink-drivers.

Rather than always focussing on fathers, it's about time the legal system turned its attention to mothers who refuse fathers access to their own kids and engage in parental alienation against the father (and it's almost always women who engage in this pathological behaviour).

The legal system is heavily weighted in favour of women, even if the women are palpably in the wrong.

Union Latency

Is there any such thing as a reasonable union boss? Perhaps the term is simply an oxymoron.

Hay thinks there's a satellite latency in my brain - took me a full 20 seconds before I could answer a question yesterday, and I was fully aware that it was taking an unreasonable amount of time to process the input.

Olympian Golf

Apparently another 2.3 million Olympic tickets are going on sale. Where the hell have they materialised from then? Did only 3 people buy the last lot?

Bought a new car yesterday - well, when I say new I mean 10 years old, but new for me. Decided that paying £33 in fuel to get to my office and back every day is a bit much, so the decision was taken to divest myself of the Merc and buy something more economical. Added to which, the Merc's electrics have a habit of going squonk every now and again - would never buy another Merc, they're nowhere as good as Volvos, either in terms of reliability or bodywork.

While going to look at a couple of likely candidates I was almost seduced by a Volvo S80, a Volvo V70 and a Volvo C70 - I even had a little flirt with a Jaguar XKR at £6k, but common sense took over at the last minute. Sad, as a tidy 10 year-old XKR is currently cheap as chips (between £5k and £7k) and will be a classic to rival the E-Type one day - if petrol is still available to power cars in the future.

My head was finally attracted to a 2001 5 door Golf TDi auto, one of the rarer TDi Golfs and capable of making my journey to and from work more affordable.

I know automatics burn more fuel than manual cars (and I'm not totally sure why), but I cannot for the life of me understand why 21st century people actually choose to drive cars with manual gearboxes - they're positively antediluvian.

Talking of Golfs, is golf an Olympic sport?

The Right to Die in the Falklands

You know all the furore over the Terry Pratchet TV programme about assisted suicide? Well, I reckon yon chap who has recently signed up to be the boss of al Qaeda is up for a bit of assisted suicide - he must be if he's willing to announce he's the new leader, especially after what happened to the last bugger to hold the post. It's a poisoned chalice - a bit like being on The Apprentice.

The Argentine President seems to be raking over the coals of the Falklands question and accusing the British government of colonialism. Only one criterion should dictate sovereignty of the Falklands - the will of the inhabitants. Any other consideration is colonialism, whether on the part of the British government or the Argentinian - and I believe the inhabitants made their thoughts clear some 30 years ago.

Telling Twins Apart

I was listening to an item on the radio about the problems teachers have when teaching identical twins - primarily caused by them not being able to tell the twins apart.

I had a set of twins in my primary school class and teachers could do well to learn from my teacher, Mr Smith. He bellowed at one of the twins, who henceforth quivered ever so slightly when he was addressed by Mr Smith, thereby enabling him to tell them apart quite easily.

The Great British Car

I was driving home along the M3 yesterday and saw a Hyundai Tuscon.

Now we did have the Bristol car and the Leyland car, but could you ever imagine the dearth of UK sales if we'd ever had the Leyland Blackpool, or the Lotus Droitwich?

Should Vauxhall introduce the Vauxhall Weston-Super-Mare?

Reader contributions welcome - but no prizes.

The Blue Zucchini

Went to one of our favourite restaurants for lunch yesterday - the Blue Zucchini bistro in Tetbury.

Unfortunately the recession has hit them and as the owners (Pernile and Peter) are a couple with small kids, they have taken the brave decision to not open evenings for the duration. It's a great pity, but needs must, etc.

The food and wine is excellent, the welcome warm and the ambience superb. I can particularly recommend the half dozen or so risottos on offer.

The Sun Has Got His Hat On

Went to a neighbour's summer BBQ last night. By 6pm we'd all retreated indoors so we could divest ourselves of our fleeces. Less than 10 days from the summer solstice and we're wearing fleeces! In the caravan we've lit the fire almost every morning for the last 2 weeks.

As I was delivering the local papers this morning, I was amused by the headline in the News of the World - Ryan Giggs' sister-in-law was complaining that Giggs had made her pregnant, as if she was an innocent bystander in the event.

Having watched Phil the Greek make interviewers squirm this week, I have a renewed respect for the man - the modern, touchy-feely, gushy, self-obsession is not for him. Here is a man who knows what duty and responsibility mean - if only more were like him.

Pressure Policy Stamped

Under Pressure

Cameron seems to be incurring the wrath of the media for reversing government policy following rethinks.

What is wrong with reappraising your strategy? It’s what good planning is all about, after all. Doggedly following a plan, come what may, is the path to certain disaster.

However, having said that, the fact he is reappraising virtually every government policy is not a terribly good sign.

Cameron Says God Doesn’t Exist

Archbish of Cadbury, Rowan Atkinson, has accused Cameron and his government of being wrong to impose social policy in the manner of a right-wing dictator.

Right-wing dictator, Dave Cameron, responded by saying that it’s a bit rich for a magician, dabbler in metaphysics and believer in sky gods to round on politicians when his own grip on reality is a tad tenuous to say the least.

That being said, Dr Rowan is following a long tradition of religious leaders and arbiters of morality commenting on the ethical ramifications of political policy – he is after all a politician himself, sitting as he does in the House of Lords, as indeed does Jesus (albeit on a nepotistic basis), who himself was a thorn in the side of politicians.

Stamp Collectors Vilified

Sandy Upper School in Biggleswade has banned parents from the school sports day out of fear of paedophiles.

Can’t think why on earth stamp collectors would want to attend a sports day anyway, but there you go.

Divide a Marketing Pattern by Two?

Man City a Pattern for Modern Business, Say Unions

Man City's wages bill of 107% of revenues is a perfect way in which to run a business, union leaders have said.

Obidiah Higginbottom, Secretary General of the Steam Shovelers’ Union, said; “if only all business had this enlightened outlook, there would be no strikes.”

Olympic Ticket Lottery – a Marketing Tour de Force

The Chairman thinks the manner in which the Olympic tickets were sold was a marketing set-piece.

You have a plethora of games, the vast majority of which are not of the least interest to the average person. What better way to sell the tickets for these non-events than putting them into a lottery with tickets everyone will want?

Most people will get a consolation prize of a ticket for something they’re not really interested in watching. The really unlucky may get 2 such tickets.

Newly Qualified Teachers Confused

A Scottish council’s plan to pay newly qualified teachers half pay has confused university leavers – they’re not sure whether they should multiply a teacher’s full salary by two, or divide it by two in order to determine what they will earn.

Bloke of the North

04:30, left Bristol, 09:30 drop off a brochure at customer in Newcastle, 10:00 meeting in North Shields with a prospect, 11:30 leave North Shields, 16:30 back in Bristol. Never done that much driving before in one day.

The view of the 'Bloke of the North' is better coming into Newcastle, but I didn't have my camera ready, as I thought he was further out of the city. Snapped him on the way out instead.

Juice Defender Ultimate - the Verdict

Hideously busy at present, so little or no time to post.

Quick verdict on Juice Defender for HTC Sensation - has more than doubled battery life; however, the lock screen ring pull is dropping off the screen, making it almost impossible to wake the phone up from standby. May have to do a factory reset. The culprit could be any one of a dozen Apps - or the phone itself.

Impossible Spring Roulette Defender

Springwatch

Springwatch Presenter: “This is the first time beavers have been back in the UK in 300 years.”

Chairman (looks at Hay): “Benefits!”

Juice Defender

Can report that Juice Defender resulted in x 1.95 normal battery life (yes, it reports its own success).

A few tweaks and I’m sure I can more than double normal battery life.

AS-level Students Set Impossible Question

What is 1+1?

Russian Roulette

Russians have taken to self-burial as some kind of macho test. I just hope they don’t try self-cremation.

HTC Sensation - Sensational

Got an upgrade for my mobile on Saturday; the latest shiny thing from HTC - the HTC Sensation.

Nice bit of kit, but the battery life is atrocious. I've had to charge the damned thing twice a day.

Discovered that the Wi-Fi interfaces on these things drain power faster than an NHS budget, and of course using your Wi-Fi connection is cheaper than using all your data allowance, so it's a bit of a Catch-22 situation.

My solution has been to install an App called Juice Defender Ultimate, which automatically and dynamically opens and closes your data connections according to both a schedule and your use.

The results thus far look promising. I might even be able to get a full day from the damned thing now.

Food for Thought

Scientists are apparently flummoxed as to why the attack of the killer cucumbers is predominantly affecting women.

Hay had it in a flash - ever known a man to eat a salad?