Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Football's Coming Home - If the Bribe is Right

Well, it’s the 1st of December. I suppose we’ll see all kinds of Christmas things appearing in the shops from now – like chocolate Easter eggs.

The England footballing legend, Dave ‘Boots’ Cameron, arrived in Zurich yesterday to lobby a bunch of corrupt FIFA executive committee members ahead of Thursday's crucial vote. It is rumoured that he has £25m with which to influence the voting.

"I have got one focus here and that is to try to bring the World Cup home for England," he told the world’s press. "I am going to be pressing on them the brilliance of my dribbling and that is going to be the concern, nothing else."

Cameron is part of a 30-strong England 2018 team that also includes Prince William at full back and veteran England captain David Beckham, who will be looking after the Adidas Zimmer frames and sponsored designer hair bands.

Cameron then went on to display his gross ignorance of percentages and basic economics by saying: “We are going to give this 110% over the next couple of days."

Dr. Vivian Stanshall, visiting professor of sums at the University of Slough, said: “There is no such thing as 110% where effort is concerned – 100% is the maximum allowed by classical physics. Unless Cameron is tapping into a quantum field in a parallel universe, which is actually allowed by the Many Worlds interpretation, what he actually means is that he’s currently giving it 90.90909% but could go as far as 100% if he felt like it. Of course, he could also mean that he may manage find another £2.5m from additional council job cuts with which to bribe minor officials to ensure that the referee for the England matches is Scottish, and thus susceptible to the odd bung.”

Some burning questions of the day:

Is calling someone a Vandal racist?

Should being able to text someone be fundamental human right?

If TV is anything to go by, does competition result in an increase in standards?

Is global warming best corroborated by looking out of your window – especially in a cold snap?

1 comment:

  1. I believe Boy Cameron actually said as he arrived in Zurich, "We have a very good case which we have brought with us". Full of Euros I expect. With regard to your burning issues : No, Yes, No, Yes.