Facebook Wedding & Lions' Dens

William & Kate Invite Facebook ‘Friends’

Prince William and Kate Middleton are inviting 1,900 guests to their wedding, over half of which are reported to be family and friends. That makes roughly 500 family and friends each.

No-one has 500 family and friends, leading to the inescapable conclusion that the vast majority are Facebook friends - or as we experts call them, people they don’t actually know.



A more serious story:

Laura Logan is a news reporter for CBS, and she also happens to have model looks and long blonde hair.

Film star looks

CBS, in their wisdom, sent her to report live from Tahrir Square during the recent fracas there. She somehow got separated from her team and, surprisingly for some, suffered a sexual assault. Miraculously she was not, however, raped.

Reading various reports about this I am astounded at the number of people who thought she was brave. Let’s be clear about this - it’s not brave to put your finger in the fire, nor is it brave to stamp on a bear trap – it’s foolhardy in the extreme.

Those who have pointed out this obvious fact in various comments areas of news websites are being rounded on with comments such as: “Oh, just typical to blame the victim rather than the perpetrators,” leading to some pretty heated exchanges.

The woman must have stood out like, well, like a beautiful, bleached blonde woman in a predominantly male crowd in a Muslim country in the Middle East where law and order was breaking down and emotions were at an all-time high – and she’s an American to boot!

The least she should have done was to cover up her hair - she’s not even a natural blonde, for God’s sake.

Not a blonde

It was an ugly incident just waiting to happen - it’s like saying that a Tory aristo walking into the middle of the Toxteth or St Paul's riots wearing his House of Lords regalia would not bear some responsibility if he got a bottle over his head.

Yes, the Egyptian men should not have assaulted her – but there’s a maxim in marine law which says no-one in a collision is 100% to blame. Blame always ends up being apportioned according to the level of contribution to the accident, as there are actions that both parties can take to avoid a collision.

I don’t care what anyone says - this woman knowingly walked into a lions’ den and therefore must take some responsibility for what happened.

Reading Misleading Boat Show Video Votes

English Kids to be Taught to Read Gibberish

In the latest ploy to destroy our kids' education, the nation's childred are to be taut to reed gibalrish to cheque pupils' ability to deecode wurds using fonics, the Ejucayshun Sekretery Mikiel Gowve has sed.

At least they may grow up understanding what football managers say in interviews.

At least they may spell their tattoos correctly.

Liverpool Boat Show Cancelled

The prestigious Liverpool Boat Show has been cancelled, just two months before it was to be held, probably due to some scumbag nicking the dock in which it was meant to be held.

Liverpool, playground of the rich and famous and known for its Bootle stock-broker-belt and Wirral tax haven, would have been the ideal venue, being able to host an event six times larger than the Southampton Boat Show and provide the inhabitants of Liverpool with thousands of car wheels with which to sustain the local economy for at least 12 months.

Traditional Scouse welcome.

Mel Gibson to Produce Promotional Videos for Dictators

Mel Gibson, renowned for making historical films with the accuracy and attention to detail of a blind butcher, is believed to have been asked to produce promotional videos and news reports for Middle East dictators, kings and potentates.

The brief is to show them as loveable men of the people and fathers of their nations, rather than the bloodthirsty, corrupt and brutal bastards they actually are.

As accurate as £5 chronograph.

Millions of Children to Sue Parents

Two brothers have been found guilty of misleading thousands of customers at a Lapland-themed Christmas park.

A jury at Bristol Crown Court found both men guilty on five counts of misleading advertising – customers complained the place looked nothing like Lapland or Santa’s home and more like a toxic dump.

Our law experts think this will now set a legal precedent for millions of kids to sue their parents on the same grounds for telling them that Father Christmas actually exists.

There may also be implications for the Church.

Sue your parents - you know it makes sense!

Glegg and Cameron at Odds Over X-Factor Voting

David Cameron and whosisname Clegg are setting out their opposing views over the voting system.

While Clegg favours the X-Factor judges having a transferable vote, Cameron prefers the first past the post system and the judges having no vote at all.

On the important issues, however, Clegg and Cameron remain solidly against the public.

Major constitutional crisis.

Geordie Minister Denies Newbury Plagiarism Cull

German Minister Denies Plagiarism

Germany's defence minister, Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, has denied newspaper allegations that he committed plagiarism in his law PhD thesis.

Guttenberg may have commented: “When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; when you take it from many writers it's research,” although we are led to believe that is a Wilson Mizner quote.


Geordies Fear Being Told to Integrate

An unlicensed taxi driver who had not learned English despite living in Britain for 20 years has been criticised by a judge for failing to 'integrate'.

Hundreds of thousands of Geordies are now fearing they will be next and are enrolling for English courses.

A Geordie who was interviewed for this column said something unintelligible.


Bahrain Protests Boost UK Exports

In a welcome boost for UK Plc, UK exports of tear gas, flash grenades and various associated armaments to Bahrain went through the roof in the last quarter of 2010, which coincided with the local elections.

Arms exports to Saudi are shortly expected to see a welcome boost too.


Workshy to be Offered Jobs at Newbury Racecourse

Following successful trials with horses, a new government initiative to reduce the national benefits bill will see workshy benefits claimants being offered employment at Newbury racecourse.

They will be put to work in the parade ring, be compulsorily made to wear hobnailed boots and soaked in water before venturing onto the ring.


South Glos. Council Cuts Social Services Bill

In an attempt at reducing the social services bill by 50%, South Glos. Council has voted to cull all pensioners from mid 2011.

It is thought this will also provde a much needed boost to the flagging housing market.

Western Democracy Incompatible with Popular Revolt

While Tunisia, Egypt, Iran, Libya, Jordan, Yemen, etc. busying themselves with popular revolt, we in the west are to be incapable of removing unpopular or corrupt governments.

Our investigators say the reason for this boils down to three words – pubs, drugs and X-Factor - they keep the population docile.



I haven’t included the first in the series of the videos below as it’s not that good, but the rest are priceless and well worth watching.

Vermin in No.10

No.10 Downing Street's new cat. Larry, has already spotted a number of rats and vermin infesting the premises.

Chairman Bill's Big Society

A bit like the term ‘intelligence’, everyone knows roughly what is meant by Big Society, but can’t describe it accurately enough to communicate the concept to someone else.

Now David Cameron’s Big Society idea is finally being explained to the public in semi-coherent terms, rather than as an ideological mish-mash of muscular, post Christian, Home Counties, Tory rhetoric.

According to the lady at No.12, who heard it on the radio, it is now (after several iterations by the Tory Gedankenpolizei) the concept of rolling back the responsibility of the state and getting local volunteers to run stuff instead.

If this is indeed Cameron’s vision of The Big Society, then my suggestions are as follows:

1. Mrs Baines from No. 42 to become the Defence Secretary. She is a bastion of the local church and will show those bloody Afghans what’s what. At her disposal she has the massed ranks of the local WI, who will win the hearts and minds of the Iraqis with homemade scones and jam – if they know what’s good for them.
2. Mr Jones at Mon Repos will take over the function of Foreign Secretary and formulate our foreign policy. Mr Jones has a background in the scouting movement and knows how to get people to work together. He’s also good at knots.
3. The economy will be taken over by Mr Williams, who has an O Level in maths and used to be something big in the National Coal Board before he retired in 1985.
4. Mrs Peeves will run the UK’s police service due to the fact she knows everything that happens in the village. She has some quaint ideas on the use of corporal punishment, which have interested Col. Tuffington-Smythe over the years.
5. For running the national education system I would pull someone from the local drug rehabilitation centre or Alcoholics Anonymous – let’s face it, they can’t do any worse than this, or the previous lot.
6. Mr Smith at The Lawns is very keen to run the NHS. He has some ideas about running it as an off-shore trust in the Caymans, repackaging its assets as Toxic Triple A derivatives, selling the derivatives to the banks and putting all the proceeds into currency speculation using a front company based in Switzerland.
7. I will become Prime Minister. It will be tough for a while, what with having to live on expenses alone, but the book deals, speaking fees and non-exec directorships that will accrue following my term will make it all worthwhile.
8. I will choose Mrs Baines’ dog, Rover, as my Deputy PM. Rover just likes to please everyone (but sometimes gets into trouble for it), does what he’s told and wags his tail a lot – excellent credentials for replacing Nick Clegg.
   

Of course we’d need lots of money to set it all up and a good revenue stream to finance it year-on-year, but as PM I’d simply increase the taxes. Mind you, they’d have to go up by more than what could be saved, as we’d have to pay out rather a lot in redundancy payments and the dole to those who were doing all this previously (who would be sacked by email, obviously).

BBC Radio Chopper Porn

Prince William Faces Redundancy

The Ministry of Defence is to cut the number of trainee pilots, including helicopter pilots.

Pundits ask whether Prince William could be the first royal to face redundancy, and if not, why not?


BBC to Make All Radio Stations the Same

Following suggestions from senior BBC executives that Radio 4 should appeal to a wider audience, Radio 4 will appeal more to younger people, Radio 1 will appeal more to older people, Radio 2 will appeal more to both older and younger people, Radio 5 will introduce some intellectual content and Radios 3 will just try to appeal to someone.

The end result is predicted to be that all BBC radio stations will broadcast the same pappy mixture of all-embracing mush that no-one will want to listen to as it does not appeal directly to them.


Scientists Measure Global Porn Stash

Mankind's capacity to store the colossal amount of information in the world has been measured by scientists. The study, published in the journal Science, calculates the amount of data stored in the world by 2007 as 295 exabytes.

It is estimated that 90% of this is porn.

Tahrir Eurovision Braille

Tahrir Square Pop Festival to Become Annual Event

The Tahrir Square Pop Festival, held in Cairo between the 25th Jan and 11th Feb, was so successful that promoters are considering making it an annual event in the pop calendar.

Security this year was provided by the Egyptian Army using tanks, while crowd control was supplied by the Egyptian Police, using an effective mix of bonhomie, tear gas and rubber hoses filled with lead.

Will 2012 see Yusuf Islam headlining at the Pyramid Stage?

The least popular act this inaugural year was Hosni and the Pharaohs, who were booed off-stage. They are famous for starting the new Dictatorial Rock genre, which involves them taking the stage and being forcibly removed 30 years later.

The ever popular Muslim Brotherhood have been approached to do a 1 hour set next year, although it is thought they too may outstay their welcome.


Ireland Makes Determined Effort to Not Win Eurovision

Determined cut its national debt by ensuring it will not host the Eurovision Song Contest for a record 8th time, the Emerald Isle has selected Jedward, an Irish duo with less talent than can be found in a Missions to Seamen in Grimsby on a Sunday night and as much charisma as Hosni Mubarak, to represent it at the song festival.


Lloyd’s Pharmacy Blazes Trail in Disability Support

A Lloyd’s pharmacy shop in Chipping Sodbury High Street is innovatively using Braille to advertise its services to the blind.


Unfortunately, they haven’t yet gotten around to providing the ladder for the blind people to use to access the sign.

Falling Royal Blue Comedy Elephant Man

Mubarak Falls – Gaddafi Crapping Himself - Jordan Next?

Oh, we do hope so!

At least the Egyptians have successfully uninstalled Dictator V 3.0. Hopefully they will not now install Dictator V 4.0 via the army, from whence all the previous versions came. The army is still in charge.

Our political correspondent would not like to be Col. Gaddafi's shoes at this present time.


Blue Screen of Death to Plague Nokia Phones

Mobile phone giant, Nokia, which is suffering attrition from competing organisations, has decided to throw in its lot with Microsoft. This could mean their phones will start suffering from the Blue Screen of Death and require rebooting every few minutes, pundits have warned.

What are you staring at?

Water damaged Painting Sells for £23m

A painting by Francis Bacon that was obviously ruined by having had water spilled all over it has astonished the art world for being sold for the ridiculous sum of £23m.

Who the hell is it?

Our art critic, Brain Sewer, comments: “The work is though to be a painting of Bacon’s friend and fellow artist, Lucien Freud, but there again it could feasibly be a painting of Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man – no-one can be certain.”


Elderly Racist Celebrates His Life

Britain’s favourite undead racist, Prince Philip, will be 90 in June. A photographic celebration of his life is currently being hosted at Windsor Castle.

Organising a Royal birthday party is very expensive, and obviously Her Majesty will want to insure against Philip kicking the bucket before June. However, it will be impossible to get decent odds from the bookies or the insurance industry on him making till then, which probably explains why the exhibition is being held now.


Comedienne Miranda Hart Redefines the Word Comedy

The world’s most unfunny comedienne, who has inexplicably picked up a host of awards for her TV show, has redefined the word ‘comedy’ to mean excruciatingly embarrassing, buttock-clenchingly banal and totally bereft of any semblance of what is normally termed humour. Or is it just me who doesn't get it?

Neanderthal Prisoners Vote For Ferengi Sinners

MPs Vote to Make Us Pay £10m Fine to EU

MPs have risked the UK tax payer being fined £10m for a point of principle, a point of principle which makes not a blind bit of difference to anything. In their wisdom they have voted to contravene an article of EU human rights legislation – legislation to which they themselves, as democratically elected representatives, subscribed – specifically the right of prisoners to vote.

If the population of Liverpool is left out of the equation, the total prison population stands at around 95,000. The prospect of the UK Old Lags Party gaining a seat in parliament for Wandsworth East or Dartmoor could be eliminated by the simple expedient of only allowing prisoners to vote in the constituency they lived in prior to incarceration. That’s hardly likely to swing an election (except perhaps in Liverpool).

This news desk wonders how many libraries £10m would keep open, or how many Meals on Wheels could be delivered.

Additionally, contravening legislation to which one has previously agreed is, ipso-facto, illegal – and, ironically, doing something illegal should send one to prison.

Not a lot of point, really.

Testosterone Turns Women into Neanderthals

Research with man glands has shown that giving women a small dose of the male grunting hormone, testosterone, makes them less able to empathise and more like men.

This spells disaster for sufferers of Man Flu – a deadly virus which attacks only men. Should women come into contact with testosterone while their partners are in the iron grip of Man Flu, it is likely their men will die from lack of care.

Men suffering from this lethal virus are advised to keep their women well away from alcohol, which is known to increase testosterone levels, which in turn increases the desire to eat kebabs and in a biochemical cascade intensifies a preoccupation with cars and tits.

Do not give your woman testosterone – she could end up looking like this. Unfortunately she's not in a car.

Freecycle Infiltrated by Ferengi

Our researchers have noticed that of late the number of Freecycle Wanted adverts have overtaken the Offered adverts. Not only that, but the items being asked for show that Ferengi are infiltrating the Freecycle system.

Items being requested include rowing machines, working computers, wide-screen plasma TVs and IPhones.

The kind of items being asked for appear to satisfy the Ferengi 144th Rule of Acquisition - there's nothing wrong with charity, as long as it winds up in your pocket.

Charity starts at home.

Fake Bomb Detecting Equipment Could Advance Human Evolution

A man who successfully sold what essentially amounts to £53m worth of woo-woo dowsing equipment that purported to find bombs has been called a rogue.

The equipment does actually work, but not as intended. Rather than seeking bombs, it seeks out gullible people and fleeces them of vast amounts of money.

Company MD, Jim McCormick, said: 'We have been dealing with doubters for 10 years. One of the problems we have is that the machine does look primitive. We are working on a new model that has flashing lights.” That should cure the doubters then.

It is thought that the intrinsic value of the device is about £0.45 – without the flashing lights – and it retailed for upward of £2,000. It is rumoured that the Catholic Church may buy a job lot and use them in their woo-woo rituals to identify miserable sinners. Regular church goers have been proven to believe just about anything.

The evolutionary biologist Professor Richard Dawkins thinks the device could be invaluable in advancing human evolution by a half a million years. He says: “All we need to do is identify the people who bought these devices and cull them. This would have roughly the same effect as half a million years of evolution on the average IQ of the human race.”

Sinner detector?