Neanderthal Prisoners Vote For Ferengi Sinners

MPs Vote to Make Us Pay £10m Fine to EU

MPs have risked the UK tax payer being fined £10m for a point of principle, a point of principle which makes not a blind bit of difference to anything. In their wisdom they have voted to contravene an article of EU human rights legislation – legislation to which they themselves, as democratically elected representatives, subscribed – specifically the right of prisoners to vote.

If the population of Liverpool is left out of the equation, the total prison population stands at around 95,000. The prospect of the UK Old Lags Party gaining a seat in parliament for Wandsworth East or Dartmoor could be eliminated by the simple expedient of only allowing prisoners to vote in the constituency they lived in prior to incarceration. That’s hardly likely to swing an election (except perhaps in Liverpool).

This news desk wonders how many libraries £10m would keep open, or how many Meals on Wheels could be delivered.

Additionally, contravening legislation to which one has previously agreed is, ipso-facto, illegal – and, ironically, doing something illegal should send one to prison.

Not a lot of point, really.

Testosterone Turns Women into Neanderthals

Research with man glands has shown that giving women a small dose of the male grunting hormone, testosterone, makes them less able to empathise and more like men.

This spells disaster for sufferers of Man Flu – a deadly virus which attacks only men. Should women come into contact with testosterone while their partners are in the iron grip of Man Flu, it is likely their men will die from lack of care.

Men suffering from this lethal virus are advised to keep their women well away from alcohol, which is known to increase testosterone levels, which in turn increases the desire to eat kebabs and in a biochemical cascade intensifies a preoccupation with cars and tits.

Do not give your woman testosterone – she could end up looking like this. Unfortunately she's not in a car.

Freecycle Infiltrated by Ferengi

Our researchers have noticed that of late the number of Freecycle Wanted adverts have overtaken the Offered adverts. Not only that, but the items being asked for show that Ferengi are infiltrating the Freecycle system.

Items being requested include rowing machines, working computers, wide-screen plasma TVs and IPhones.

The kind of items being asked for appear to satisfy the Ferengi 144th Rule of Acquisition - there's nothing wrong with charity, as long as it winds up in your pocket.

Charity starts at home.

Fake Bomb Detecting Equipment Could Advance Human Evolution

A man who successfully sold what essentially amounts to £53m worth of woo-woo dowsing equipment that purported to find bombs has been called a rogue.

The equipment does actually work, but not as intended. Rather than seeking bombs, it seeks out gullible people and fleeces them of vast amounts of money.

Company MD, Jim McCormick, said: 'We have been dealing with doubters for 10 years. One of the problems we have is that the machine does look primitive. We are working on a new model that has flashing lights.” That should cure the doubters then.

It is thought that the intrinsic value of the device is about £0.45 – without the flashing lights – and it retailed for upward of £2,000. It is rumoured that the Catholic Church may buy a job lot and use them in their woo-woo rituals to identify miserable sinners. Regular church goers have been proven to believe just about anything.

The evolutionary biologist Professor Richard Dawkins thinks the device could be invaluable in advancing human evolution by a half a million years. He says: “All we need to do is identify the people who bought these devices and cull them. This would have roughly the same effect as half a million years of evolution on the average IQ of the human race.”

Sinner detector?