Back to the 60s

I have a Facebook account and every so often Facebook appears to take control of my cursor keys, shuffle them about and randomly reassign them just while I’m on Facebook. Intensely annoying.

Nick Clegg, renowned power-crazed Judas, general lick-spittle to the Conservatives and leader of the Lib Dems, has begged students to reconsider his plans to plunge them into a life-long and unsustainable spiral of debt from the minute they darken the doors of a university in search of intellectual betterment and jobs as a highly qualified council road sweepers (for which they will in future require a BSc in pedestrianised waste management).

Mr Clegg said his plans would "make higher education open to everyone". When he said ‘everyone’, what he actually meant was those earning more than £80k per annum and not literally the ‘anyone’ defined in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Vivian Stanshall, Professor of Bollocks at the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah University (playing the tuba), said: “Clegg is talking out of his arse and is blissfully oblivious to the fact that our present economic situation was brought about precisely because the masses were taking on debt they could ill afford. This prick is now proposing that young people assume even more debt between the short period of entering university and getting married – exactly at the time they would be trying to borrow like crazy and get a mortgage to set up home. Is this man insane?”

Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel, Professor of the Bleeding Obvious at The Shrubbery University, said: “It’s bleedin’ obvious, ain’t it? Divide the courses into those that are professionally necessary to prevent you being sued for malpractice, like law, medicine, engineering, etc., and those that are a complete waste of everyone’s time and used to be achieved through City & Guilds or apprenticeships. You then make the Mickey Mouse degrees subject to a hefty tuition fee of several hundred grand, which would scare off all but the daughters of rich parents who want to do PR because they’re too lazy or thick to do any real work. That should sort the workers from the shirkers (except for the PR ladies of course) and reduce the overall cost of education.”

He went on to say: “You need lawyers because everyone is suing everyone else for absolutely no reason and claiming either it’s not their fault or they know their rights. You need doctors because we’re all becoming lard arses with type 2 diabetes and hypertension. You need engineers to design more robust seating for our increasingly fat, purulent, swollen bodies. You need chemists to develop the drugs to combat obesity and enable us to keep stuffing our faces with shit. What you don’t need is hordes of PR ladies with degrees in the history of art, except possibly as brood mares for the aristocracy.”

I must say it’s good to see students getting agitated about something other than X-Factor. It’s almost like the 60s again!

The other day Hay received a text saying: “Our database shows you could be entitled to £4,000 compensation for your recent car accident – text back yes for us to contact you further.” All they forgot to add to the start of the message was: “Dear random mug whose mobile number we bought and who has not been in any car accident database that we know of because we don’t even know your bloody name…..” Needless to say, Hay has never been in a car accident, let alone a car accident database.

I’ve spoken many times of the beautiful Hayley, but most of you will not have seen her. Here’s a picture of her, she’s in the silver car – the vertical one. I think this was taken at the ladies' car park at her office.