The antidote to "These are a few of my favourite things". All have happened this week, most on a single day.
- People who put bottles on supermarket conveyor belts across the direction of travel, rather than pointing in the direction of travel, resulting in the bottles rolling all over the place and into my shopping.
- People taking selfies in supermarket checkout queues, especially when they pout and have the face of a small pig - in fact any pouty selfies taken by total narcissists
- Four teenagers clogging up a supermarket queue while buying a single bottle of water for the four of them.
- Customer services representatives from Vodafone in India (using webchat) asking me how my weekend was when I'm rather irate for having received a text to say I can upgrade my phone early, but find on logging on to their site that I have to wait till November.
- The Vodafone website in general, especially the security system which has to send an access code to my mobile to gain access and the Byzantine procedures and mental contortions I have to go through to see what my individual phone bill is (I have 4 family phones on my account).
- Vodafone's 191 number not accepting that my phone belongs to the account holder, despite the very obvious fact it does, resulting in me being cut off and unable to speak to anyone.
- Being switched to an upgrade team member from Vodafone (via webchat) and having to wait much, much longer than the 1 minute 40 seconds the click-down timer tells me I have to wait. I gave up in the end - twice.
- Eventually speaking to someone at Vodafone (an English person) and having to say; "I'm sorry, but could you repeat that as I couldn't understand a single word you said." I think she was Geordie.
- Having my Nat West card payment for the eventual phone upgrade refused due to a possibly fraudulent transaction, which wasn't.
- Hearing that the newly released Samsung Galaxy Note 7, which should be arriving on Monday, is having problems with reports of exploding phones.
- Financial numpties commenting on Facebook posts about Mark Carney and even contradicting themselves within their own infantile statements.
- Investment banks having a prejudice against brown shoes. Light brown shoes are the height of fashion on the continent (the continent being that remote place we've decided to leave).
- Professional liars (aka politicians, as evidenced by the Brexit debate) accusing junior doctors of playing politics with patients.
- Discovering that the rotary washing line you put up is ever-so-slightly leaning to one side - after the concrete containing the holder has set.
I'm sure the checkout staff in Lidl secretly enjoy it when pensioners can't remember their car registrations. I'm lucky that mine is easy to remember - K500 PVB (it's a 500SL combined with my initials) - but for the modern cars in our family with the totally unmemorable registrations I took the precaution of taking a photo of the registrations on my phone so I'm not caught out. One of the staff there now knows my registration by heart and doesn't even ask me anymore.