Saturday, 14 July 2012

Newton Faulkner in the Stocks

Saw an advert yesterday for an album by a singer-songwriter called Newton Faulkner. Sounds more like a town. I've never quite understood the penchant of some Caucasians for wearing dreadlocks.

Following my approach to the Neighbourhood Watch committee yesterday, and in recognition of the fact I have recent experience of oak roof trusses and oak cladding, I have been appointed Keeper of the Stocks within the newly created Neighbourhood Vigilante committee. I am certain this is what the government means by 'swift and sure justice'.

The village stocks are in a poor state after decades of neglect and I shall give them a rough wire brushing, followed by a liberal coat of Danish oil, which is actually boiled linseed oil. Boiling linseed oil polymerises it, facilitating long-lasting protection for wood.

Now some of you might not agree with restorative retribution, or lynch-mob vengeance, as we experts in justice call it. However, the laws are set by the politicians and the politicians receive their mandate from the electorate - all we're doing is cutting out the middle-man and thereby assisting with public service cuts. Times are hard, after all, and we all need to make sacrifices - especially of recidivists.

I'm currently trying to persuade the village knitting circle to turn their hands to weaving a wicker man and local farmers to donate some pitchforks to the village armoury I'm creating. I'm also hopeful of the local poultry farmer providing a steady supply of feathers to go with the few barrels of tar I've asked the council highways department for.

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